Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girl?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well-hung!
Q: What has six legs and eats pussy ?
A: You, me and Ellen DeGeneres.
Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
A: Dessert.
Q: What is better than winning gold at the paraolympics?
A: Walking! ~~~~~~~~~

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick." ~~~~~~~~~

A little boy and his Mom are going for a ride one day, when out of the blue the boy asks "Mom, is God a man or a woman?" The mother struggling for a quick response answers "Well, honey, God is really both a man and a woman." Slightly confused the boy asks "Well Mommy, is God black or white?" The mother, obviously battling with the line of questions, answers "Well, sweetie, God is actually both black AND white." Even more confused now, the boy finally asks "OK Mommy, is God homosexual or straight?" Becoming more resolute in her answers the mother replies "Actually, God is really both straight AND homosexual." With a sudden "light" appearing the boy responds "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?" ~~~~~~~~~

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to pee just tell me that you have to 'whisper'." The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear." ~~~~~~~~~

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long." The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!" ~~~~~~~~~

Polish firing squad, stands in a circle. ~~~~~~~~~

Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town. ~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water. ~~~~~~~~~

Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?

Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin. ~~~~~~~~~

Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home. ~~~~~~~~~

A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?" "Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?" "Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered flashlight. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Man goes to a whore house. The Madam is out of women but, since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Ploack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says the Madam. "I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!" ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? Five Polish sailors died digging his grave. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heard about the Polish hockey team? They all drowned in spring training. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals? Went home and got them bronzed. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've been doing," the Pole said, "Shoving them up my ass?" ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the gay Polak? He slept with women. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back! ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Charlie picks up a woman in a bar. They get in his car, and they're going down a dirt road to Lover's Lane, when he gets a flat tire. He looks in the trunk, and his spare is flat, too. He figures, what the hell, he's gonna get a little bit. So they get in the back seat, and he's just getting off her blouse and her bra, when another car pulls up. He gets out, and the other guy says, "Can I help you?" Charlie says, "You sure can. I'll tell you what...if you'll let me use your car to go get my spare fixed, you can pork the babe in the back seat while I'm gone." The guy says, "You're on." The guy gives him the keys, Charlie puts his spare tire in the guy's trunk, and takes off. The guy gets in the back seat, hops on the girl, and they're just about to go to it when a police car pulls up. A cop walks over, shines the flashlight into the back seat, and says, "What are you doing, Mac?" The guy says, "I'm just about to bang my wife, officer." The cop says, "I'm sorry, pal, I didn't realize it was your wife." The guy says, "Neither did I, 'til you shined your flashlight on her." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is it possible to be totally partial? There's no such thing as gravity.The earth sucks. Is there another word for synonym? There are no stupid questions-are there? Is it possible to have a civil war? Submitted by: adidas321@juno.com ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Synonym: A word you can use when you can't spell the other one. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In years gone by people actually believed that foolish spending stopped when one ran out of money. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The reason we can't take it with us is because it goes before we do! ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Water definitely attracts electricity. Otherwise, why does the phone ring when you step into the shower? ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One afternoon while talking to a neighbor, she told me she went to her class reunion. I asked her how she enjoyed it and without pause, she said quickly, "Well, they all got so old, they didn't recognize me!" ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water." Patient: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?" "You're not drinking enough water." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him, honey." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. ~~~~~~~~~

=======================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I cannot see, I cannot pee, I cannot chew, I cannot screw, My memory shrinks, My hearing stinks, No sense of smell, I look like hell. My body's drooping, Got trouble pooping So , the Golden Years have come at last? Well, the Golden Years can KISS MY ASS!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These two women are talking in a cafe one day and one says to the other, (bragging) "Isn't this huge diamond ring my husband bought me great?"
The other replies, with a heavy southern accent, "How Nice."
A little later the first woman says, bragging again, "Isn't that red sports car my husband bought me wonderful?"
the second lady again replies with that heavy southern accent, "How Nice."
About 20 minutes later the first lady asks, "Isn't this puppy my husband bought for over the summer sweet?"
The second lady again replies with that heavy southern accent, "How Nice."
Then the first lady asks the second, "What did your husband do for you over the summer?"
In that heavy southern accent she replies "He sent me to obedience school to say 'How Nice' instead of 'FUCK YOU!'"

=========================

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

2. How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are color blind. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

3. Where Dogs Fall Short
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short...
It's fun to dry off a wet man !!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
The doctor said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious, severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And, most importantly, make love to your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Ever wonder if you're treated for multiple personalities, if you qualify for a group rate ? - - - - -

* I once went to a shrink. He told me to speak freely. I did. Then the damn fool tried to charge me $90 an hour.

* I stopped going to him after a while though. He always asked me the same question Mrs. JimJr always does -- "Who do you think you are ?" - - - - -

* The patient pulled out a gun and told the psychiatrist, "You're a great doctor, and you've helped me a lot. but now, you know too much."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Earthling,
Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet.
I have transformed myself into this text file.
As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling.
Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Clinton wrenched his back last week, but he's gonna be fine. Doctors said he'll be up and out of his pants in no time." (Jay Leno)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
""Hark I hear the cannons roar"" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts:
"Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, get up to makeup straight away.
So he runs up to make up. "Who are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", get on there, the curtains about to go up"
So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three Polish gentlemen were discussing how dumb their wives were... The lst Polack said his wife just purchased a washer and a dryer, and they didn't even have electricity.
The 2nd Polack said his just purchased a new Buick, and she didn't know how to drive.
The 3rd Polack said found 3 condoms in his wife's purse and she didn't even have a penis.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What the hell do you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!" The man, amazed, yells back, "What do you think I have, a firehose?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar and begins conversing with a beautiful, single young lady. She realizes that he is making an attempt to take her home, so she asks, "Are you married?" He admits that he is, so she asks, "Then why aren't you wearing your wedding band?" "Well, you see," he responds, "It cuts off my circulation."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How can you tell if a female bartender is mad at you?
A: You find a string in your Bloody Mary

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If these jokes are being forwarded to you, why don't you get your own free copy everyday? It's easy. Just go to: and subscribe yourself. That way your e-mail box will be filled with the best humor found on the net each day and you won't ever miss a single joke. Tell your friends too!

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Subject: A Guide to Love and Sex for Today's Young Woman As a young, modern women of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every woman probably has a different idea of what her own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr. Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar ... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's bets to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr. Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you tryout many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggressive women?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on street corners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on yur knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust men or something ? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A is for Asshole, which is what attracted you to him in some odd, mystifying, "I know he'll change for me" kind of way. He didn't.

B is for Beavis & Butthead. It's what you lost his attention to every night. That and Singled Out. He said he really liked to see people together and as happy as the two of you were. You knew it was just Jenny McCarthy's Boobies.

C is for Cunt. His mother, in other words.

D is for Dildo, something that always performed on command and never came before you. Besides, since you've Ditched him, you and your toys have gotten to know each other pretty well, on a first name basis, as a matter of fact. Dan the Dildo.

D is also for Dick, something that you were not getting but pretty sure someone else was so you resorted to Dan.

E is for Elephant. They never forget. Maybe next time you'll go out with an Elephant.

F is for Faking it, which you had to do on several occasions. Remember when you were a sophomore in high school and you were dating the college guy that really knew how to make you scream? Wonder if you can track him down via the Internet?

G is for Gut, which he developed after drinking so much beer.

H is for Hell. Obviously it was Heaven to be with him, you wouldn't have left. Although Hell would insinuate that he could get you Hot, which he rarely attempted after three months of being together.

I is for Indigo Girls. His actions caused you to resort to listening to music...a lot of music. You chose the Indigo Girls and now you are a lesbian.

J is for Juicy Fruit gum, which is what your relationship was like. So wonderful in the beginning, fresh and new....he was so sweet. Then after a short while he turned into a small grey lump with absolutely no flavor.

K is for Kelly. The girl that was supposed to be an Irish GUY that he was hanging out with at the bar after work. This was not the case when you found two pairs of Victoria's Secret thong - back lace panties with "Kelly's" name in one and "Shelly's" in the other. Assume they were twin brothers, right?

L is for Lust. You Lust for Antonio Banderas and then go visit your buddy Dan.

M stands for Murder One. You could get a double life sentence for this - he really isn't worth it.

M also stands for Marriage. The Mention of Marriage may have been what made him run like hell. Men, when found in their natural habitat, are afraid of the commitment beast.

N stands for Nice guys get None. Guess what? After this asshole, Nice guys get Nothing but Nookie.

O is for Over it. This made you throw him out, general disgust. It could have been the belching, the laziness, or the farting noises in the armpits, but the nose-picking in bed was a little too much.

P is for Pissed off. All of your girlfriends are pissed off at him, just because girls like to stick together.

Q is for Quickly. Kelly and Shelly must have run quickly away when they heard your car pull up in the driveway and he mentioned that you did carry a gun.

R is for Right. Women are always Right.

R is also for Rules. Men break them. So should we.

S is for Sex. Remember that?

T is for Tongue. If he's smart, he won't try to slip anything in your mouth at this point if he intends on keeping it.

U is for Underwear. Not only did he forget Kelly and Shelly's, but he would leave his skid-marked ones in the bathroom all the time.

V is for Venezuela. That's where you shipped Kelly in Shelly. In five neatly compacted parcels.

W is for Whine. He did an awful lot of that for Sex when he came home at three in the morning reeking of alcohol and "lost" his key. (You later found it at Kelly and Shelly's house)

X is for Xavier Roberts. You know, the multi-millionaire that got rich by creating Cabbage Patch dolls? Maybe you should track him down. Money makes PMS (putting up with Men's shit) a lot easier.

Y is for Yak's breath, which seemed like a much better option than the stench that would come from his mouth in the morning.

Z is for Zorro. What the hell? Tonto can join in on the fun if he wants.

=========================

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training. One says to the other "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race." There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are knackered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?". The horses looked at one another and said "Fuck me, a talking dog!" ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are 4 states in the 50 United States where the capital of the state begins with the same first letter of the state. Example: Alaska = Anchorage (The capital of Alaska if Fairbanks) Don't send me the answer, I already know them but try to figure them out yourself before cheating. Then drive everybody else nuts. It's tough. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
-Not so much of a "has been," but more of a "definitely won't be."
-When he opens his mouth, it is only to change whichever foot was
previously there. -He is out of his depth in a mud puddle.
-Technically sound but socially impossible.
-Has delusions of adequacy.
-He is like a gyroscope; always spinning around frantically but
never getting anywhere. -He has reached rock bottom and started to dig.
-He sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
-He should go far, and the sooner the better.
-He works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a trapped rat.
-He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
-If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.
The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" - Each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.
"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there".
"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times". ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Woman walks into bar with a duck under her arm.
Drunk walks up to her and sez "Gee lady what a dog"
Lady replies, "that's not a dog its a duck"
Drunk then sez "I was talking to the duck" ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new Viagra candy bar was just introduced:
"Oh, Oh, Oh my God, Henry!" ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer." The bartender says, "Seems you've got a stuttering problem." The guy says, "N-n-no sh-sh-shit."
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since." The guy says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same guy walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer." The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
The guy says, "I d-d-did. It d-d-didn't w-w-wrork. B-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really nice apartment." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A doctor is walking to work one day,and he notices tow men just outside his clinic, obviously street people. The two men were sitting on the curb eating dog food out of a can. The doctor stopped and said " If the two of you don't stop eating that stuff i will kill you!" The next day he noticed the same two men sitting eating more dogfood and warned them again. This went on for several weeks till one day he walked by and only one of the two fellows remained on the curb. The doctor inquired of the second mans whereabouts, and was told he had passed away. He said to the remaining fellow "I told you that eating all that dog food would kill you one day." "Oh, no" replied his friend " he didn't die from eating dog food, he was sitting on the curb, licking his nuts and he got hit by a car!" ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: How do you make anti-freeze?
A: Steal her blanket. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine.
I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy.
So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door."
"And then?" said the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove." (ouch! >^,,^< ) ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A captain of a Scottish regiment barges into a chemist's. He's in full regalia: kilt, waistcoat, tam o'shanter, leggings. He marches up to the counter and plops down a very bedraggled sheepskin condom.
"How much fer a new one?" he demands.
The chemist pokes at it and says, "Four pounds."
The captain frowns. "How much to repair it?"
The chemist thinks. "Two pounds."
The captain says, "I'll be back," and marches out of the store.
An hour later he barges in and says:
"The lads of the regiment have voted for a new one." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"- it rounds them up and points them in the right direction. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a pastor's wife took her overworked husband to the family physician, the physician took the wife aside and whispered: "I don't like the way your husband looks." "I don't either," she replied, "but he's always been a good father to the children." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't Let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover.
The chemist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes"
"Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered, embarrassed, "it's for my Chihuahua"
"Oh well, in that case," said the chemist, "don't ride a bike for twenty minutes" ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
Th eproduct addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AID an2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn ff your partner."

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

==========================

A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To realize the value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute: Ask the person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one second: Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long she became pregnant and they didn't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work ? " she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What ?" asked the priest, "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child ", replied the doctor.
"But that's impossible!", said the stunned priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle ! Here's your baby."
Fifteen years has gone by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits with the boy and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. This is very difficult and I don't know where to start. Here goes.....I'm not your father."
Puzzled the son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Open up Microsoft Word
1) Type in the phrase "unable to follow directions" without the quotes.
2) Highlight the phrase
3) Go to the Tools menu
4) Click on Thesaurus
The option the system gives you as a replacement phrase is rather amusing. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUNNY SIGNS SEEN ACROSS THE GOOD OL' U.S.A.
At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
--Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, _10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in... ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What is the difference between NBA and pro wrestling? The wrestling interviews are entertaining, informative, and the grammar is much better. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TODAYS INSULT:
The other day someone said you are not fit to live with pigs. I stuck up for you; I told them, yes you are. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There once was this little boy, He was sitting on the steps of a church, and he was squishing ants with his thumb, saying " I hate those fucking ants, I hate those fucking ants". Just then a minister came out and saw the boy, and replied ants are one of gods creatures what are you doing? The boy replies there is no reason for ant's. The minister tells the boy that everything god has put here, he has put here for a reason. He then tells the boy to go home and try to think of three things that god has put here for no reason.
so the following day the minister comes out of the church and finds the boy sitting on the steps squashing ants saying "I hate those fucking ant's I hate those fucking ants"
The minister goes up to the boy and asks if he had done what he asked. The boy replies "Dicks on priests, tits on nuns, and I still hate those fucking ants." ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I saw the movie 'Godzilla' over the weekend. You know what matters more than size?
A fucking script." (Dennis Miller)