The DOCTOR - because he says, "Take your clothes off!"

The DENTIST - because he says, "Open Wide!"

The MILKMAN - because he says, "Do you want it in the front or rear?"

The HAIRDRESSER - because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The INTERIOR DECORATOR - because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

The BANKER - because he says, "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest !"

=========================

100 Reasons why being a man is better!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Nite Football.

6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking. "He must be mad at me".

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time.

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too skeevy.

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

69. Same work....more pay.

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79. ESPN's sports center.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

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The Zoo
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

===========================

A Boy's Freshly Washed Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

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Ski Pants
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. Twelve degrees below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain didn't go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.

So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yep, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backwards, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the damndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?"

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Love @ Valentine's Day
Kids' answers when surveyed about love...

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." -Wendy, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. -Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -Manuel, age 8

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -Christine, age 9

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -Arnold, age 10

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." -Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." -Jill, age 6

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." -Floyd, age 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." -Carey, age 7

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." - Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -Regina, age 10

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best." -Camille, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." -Manuel, age 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -Bobby, age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...Other people care more about the food." -Bart, age 9

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." -Sarah, age 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face." -Sandra, age 7

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." -Christine, age 9

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." -Julia, age 7

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -Brian, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." -Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." -Pam, age 7

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it." -Tammy, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -Roger, age 6

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." -Frida, age 7

==============================

Horse Auction
A young boy accompanied his father to a horse auction. He watched his father enter a stall, bend down, and run his hands up and down the animal's legs. "What are you doing, Dad?" the boy asked. "This is the way you decide whether or not to buy a horse," his father replied. The boy's face grew serious. "Gee, Dad, we better hurry home. The milk man stopped in yesterday and I think he wants to buy Mommy!"

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Parents' Hobbies Because her student's were getting bored with show and tell, the teacher decided to have the children come to the front of the class to tell of any unusual hobbies their parents had. First was a girl, who said, "My mother has a collection of antique dolls." "Very good," said the teacher. "And you, Harold?" Harold said, "My father is the champion golfer at his country club." "Very good, Freddy?" Freddy announced that his mother's roses won a prize at the Garden Club. Then the teacher called on Sally. She stood, but didn't say a word until the teacher asked, "Don't your parents do anything you can tell us about?" Sally thought, and then said, "About all I know is that my father eats light bulbs." "My word!" said the teacher, "Are you sure?" Sally nodded. "I was passing their bedroom the other night when I heard my father say, 'If you turn out the light, honey, I will eat it!"

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Hiking A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "tell me the truth." "That is the truth!" the boy replied. "Every night that you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

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The Undertaker There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work. "I'm an undertaker", responded the friend. "That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement." "There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat.....You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"

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Nudist Colony A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look long."

==========================

Listening To The Earth A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

===========================

Kids Say More Strange Things The grass is always greener when you remember to water it. A bird in the hand is a real mess. No news is no newspaper. It's always darkest just before I open my eyes. You have nothing to fear but homework. If you can't stand the heat, go swimming. A penny saved is nothing in the real world. The squeaking wheel gets annoying. We have nothing to fear but our principal. I think, therefore I get a headache.

==========================

Three More Nuns Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they are warmly welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "Sisters" he says, "I want to thank you for all your good work on earth. Now there's just a brief formality before I can admit you to heaven: Each of you will have to answer one question." And, turning to the first nun, he says, "Sister Michael, what is the Mystery of the Trinity?" "That's the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost," she replies. And the lights flash, the bells go off, and Sister Michael is swept in to the Pearly Gates. "Sister Benedicta," asks St. Peter gently, "what is the Mystery of the Virgin Birth?" "Thats the Immaculate Conception," she replied, and she too is swept inside the gates with much flashing of lights and sounding of bells. Sister Angelica is left alone, shaking a bit with nervousness. St. Peter turns to her and asks, "What, Sister Angelica, were the first words Eve said to Adam?" Sister Angelica thought it over, beads of sweat started to appear on her brow, and finally blurted, "Gee, Saint Peter, that's a hard one." And the bells went off, the gates opened....

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Endurance
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, ... and ... finds four Chinese men.

==========================

The Empire State Building bouncer This businessman goes up to a bar, located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. He takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a really a nice place. " the first guy says. The other replies: "it's a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an, original Van Gogh. And this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, the fourth one from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall only about 50 feet before an updraft catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, opens it and he jumps. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and floats back in through the window. "See, it's fun! You should try it", he says.

"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man exclaims. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he jumps again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet. Once again, he comes to a stop, and whoosh! He sails right back up and floats safely through the window. "Give it a try, it's a blast," he says. "Well, what the heck, it does look like fun. I believe I will give it a try", the first man says. He climbs up on the window sill, and proceeds to jump out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50... 60...70... 80...90..100 feet, and splat! He ends up on the sidewalk. After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar. As he sits down and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

===========================

Pick-up And Rejection Lines

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.."

4.) Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

7.)Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

10.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

11.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else..

========================

Manny Can't Find The Right Woman Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates. Finally, a friend asks him -- "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? You can't find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replies, "I met many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents -- my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests -- "Why don't you find a girls who's just like your dear Mother?" Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. So, Manny, did you find the perfect girl yet, one that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends." So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

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A guy in Search of A Girl.. When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time.

So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

==========================

Identifying Olaf Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Sven and Lars, to come and try to I.D. the body.. Sven went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over, and Sven looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olaf." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange.. Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body, and Lars looked at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad; roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olaf." The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olaf had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the 3 of us went to town people would say: "Here comes Olaf with them 2 assholes"..

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Lottery Winner This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care...Just get the f**k out!"

===========================

Einstein's Speech When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

==========================================

What men and women hear What a woman says: Cmon...This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now!

What a man hears: C'MON....blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

======================

Turnin' To Stone One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked.

The two boys were looking at a women bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.

Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something get hard, so I ran."

=======================

Sex Education One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far is it to the ovary?" The other sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."

==========================

Thumb Sucking A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar.

He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."

=====================

Counter Person A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local coed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) - she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for.

The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that had previously been least popular but was fast becoming the most popular with gentlemen in particular was raisin bread, which was kept on the uppermost shelf.

One day an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady without thinking scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?" "No, he replied, but it is beginning to twitch just a little."

=======================

Leaving Work Early There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Every day they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they.

The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

=======================

"Mommy, how old are you?" A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older. The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I k now how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

=====================

A Torah Scholar A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for schnapps. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "So, nu? How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

=========================

Sex Talk A man came home after a tough day at work, looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. Both went to their seperate beds, but the man was not ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of her bed and crosses the room to her husband.

On the way, she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband, with a concerned look on his face, says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex, and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy Bitch!"

=====================

Words from women

"Any girl can be glamourous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --- Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor

========================

Hand Warming An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"

====================

God is watching us ... from a distance After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner.

There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions. "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people. Do you know what the letter said? (scroll down for answer)

No? You didn't get one either, huh?

============================

Wrestling Match Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded!

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

============================

Clinton Drowning Three teenagers were walking along the beach one day when they noticed someone drowning out in the ocean. They swam out to him, grabbed him and dragged him to shore. It was then that they realized they save the President of the United States.

When Clinton was able to speak he told the kids that they could have anything they wanted since he owed them his life. The first kid piped up with,"I want a million dollars." The president said,"Consider it done." When the second one asked for an F-16, Clinton retorted,"I can arrange that for you." The last kid asked to be put in the witness protection program. When the president asked why, he said, " 'Cause when my dad finds out what I've done, he's gonna kill me!"

==========================

A Texan in Australia A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

=========================

Noah in modern times And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.

First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So i had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.

I had to convince U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm susposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another Driver's Education

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would.

Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. 'I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

'Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. 'When Sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

'Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. 'Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor -- lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. 'The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

'After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. 'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. 'This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.'

=====================

DEFINITION OF POLITICS

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Dad: "Sure Son, what's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Dad: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your Mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the GOVERNMENT. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?"
Son: "I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it."

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying, so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found Mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his Father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his Father and the maid, so the boy went back to bed and went back to sleep.

-The Next Morning-
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand politics."
DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."
Son: "Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the working class, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of shit."

=======================

A black guy is standing in front of a Cadillac dealer when a salesman walks up and says, "Thinking about buying a Cadillac?" The black guy says, "No, I am buyin' a Cadillac. I'm thinkin' about pussy."

A dentist says to his patient, "You just had oral sex with your wife, didn't you?"
The guy says, "Yeah. Does my breath smell?"
The dentist says, "No."
The guy says, "Do I have a pubic hair in my teeth?"
The dentist says, "No."
The guy says, "So how did you know?"
The dentist says, "There's shit on your nose."

How do you rejuvenate a 50-year-old whore?
Stick a twenty-pound ham in her snatch and yank out the bone.

What's a yankee?
Same as a quickie, only you do it yourself.

Harry goes up to a whore and says, "How much for a blow job?"
She says, "A hundred bucks."
He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred.
Then he starts to jack off.
She says, "What are you doing that for?"
He says, "For a hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?"

What's the difference between pussy and apple pie? You can eat your Mom's apple pie.

Eddie and Rob are old friends and they meet on the street. Eddie's driving a Jaguar, and Rob is driving a Chevy.
Rob says, "Gee, Eddie, I guess you're doing really well. What is it that you do?"
Eddie says, "I sell cookies."
Rob says, "All kinds?"
Eddie says, "No, just one very special kind. It's a cookie that tastes like pussy."
Rob says, "Can I try one?"
Eddie says, "Sure."
He walks over, reaches into the back seat of his Jag, comes back with a cookie for his pal, and Rob chomps into it. He goes "Pitooie!", and spits it out. He says, "That tasted like shit." Eddie says, "You took too big a bite."

Roberts is out in the country with his new bride. They watch as a bull comes over the rise and bangs six cows in a row, one after the other. His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that." He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every time."

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"

"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."

This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So why are you complaining?"

"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."

Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive." "Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing between his legs.

If you are unhappy
Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy
2. everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend
3. and, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut

==========================

THE MAGICIAN & THE PARROT
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

=====================

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note: Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

======================

A dentist says to his patient, "You just had oral sex with your wife, didn't you?"
The guy says, "Yeah. Does my breath smell?"
The dentist says, "No."
The guy says, "Do I have a pubic hair in my teeth?"
The dentist says, "No."
The guy says, "So how did you know?"
The dentist says, "There's shit on your nose."

=========================

The way it is, guys If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you're not, you're unambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

====================

five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has"

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