The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their minds when thy saw this brick. The first kid said "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker." Another said "I think about our new house." Then the teacher thought "Why don't I ask Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?" So she said "Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick?" Johnny stopped carving a big J into his desk and said "Naked chicks!" The teacher was horrified "But why, Johnny? Why? This is a brick!" So Johnny said "But that's what I always think about!" ~~~~~~~~~

If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it show's your nuts!!! ~~~~~~~~~

Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass! ~~~~~~~~~

Patient. Doctor, something is wrong with me. I keep thinking I'm a frog. Doctor. How long has this been going on? Patient. Ever since I was a tadpole. ~~~~~~~~~

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him." ~~~~~~~~~

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!" ~~~~~~~~~

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc. As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say " Wanna ". I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said, " I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How " He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said.... " ME KNOW HOW....ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA !"

===========================================

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!" ~~~~~~~~~

9 out of ten men said they preferred women with large breasts. The remaining man said he preferred the other 9....... ~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house." ~~~~~~~~~

What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it? The wrinkles. ~~~~~~~~~

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

============================

Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them...
Personally,
I think if you can hear them whining,
You're not pressing hard enough
on the pillow...... ~~~~~~~~~

A woman goes for her yearly physical and after all the poking, prodding and tests, the physician says gravely, "I'm sorry, but you have only 12 hours to live".

Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her condition to her husband and states, "I want to spend this whole evening having wild and crazy sex."

To which her husband exclaims, "That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"

========================

It's BB King's 72nd birthday and his wife wants to do something very special. So she goes to a tattoo parlor and has a big, bold, Gothic-style capital letter B tattooed on one butt-cheek and another big, bold, Gothic-style capitol B tattooed on the other cheek.

The morning of his birthday, BB comes down to the kitchen to find his wife cooking breakfast.

"Morning, BB," she coos. "Happy Birthday. I've got something special to show you."

"Oh, yeah?" says BB. "What's that you got?"

She pulls her skirt up over her thighs and bends over real low and says, "What do you think of that?"

BB replies, "I think that's lovely, but who the hell is Bob?" ~~~~~~~~~

Two men are talking in a bar:
First man: 'I hate to go home! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed!'
Second man: 'Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?'
First man: 'I AM married!'

============================

Harold's new job had him working really hard and late. He thought, "I should really get my wife a watch dog." He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you."
The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate! I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds.
By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? Now way."
Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my foot!"

=================================

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
"Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp." ~~~~~~~~~

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest. Lil' Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose." ~~~~~~~~~

Q: What did the husband do when he saw his wife staggering around the backyard?
A: He shot her again! ~~~~~~~~~

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." " Bill Gates, 1981 ~~~~~~~~~

A plane flying over the ocean is in trouble and is likely to ditch. There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and three children. But there are only three Life Jackets.
The Doctor says, "Save the children!!" waving the life jackets.
Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Fuck the children!!" .......and the Priest asks, "Is there time...?" ~~~~~~~~~

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands! ~~~~~~~~~

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together.
So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!" ~~~~~~~~~

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build it?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie. "12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was ast the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday." ~~~~~~~~~

Stanley was complaining to his boss. "Every evening when I get off work I stop at the bar on the corner for a beer. As soon as I walk in the door, the bartender always says, 'Say, Stan, have you seen Ben?'" "And when I say, 'Ben Who?' the bartender always says, ' I ben' over and you kiss my ass.' And then everybody in the bar laughs at me." "Okay, tell you what to do," said the boss. "Tonight when you get to the bar, before the bartender can say anything, you say, 'Bartender, have you seen Eileen?' He will ask, 'Eileen Who?' That's when you say, 'Eileen over and you kiss MY ass.'" So that evening Stan goes to the bar, opens the door, and says, "Bartender, have you seen Eileen?" And the bartender replies, "Yeah, Stan, she just left with Ben." "Ben?" says Stanley, "Ben Who?" ~~~~~~~~~

A hunter had just shot a flying goose, which fell to the ground across the fence. When he went to retrieve it, he encountered the farmer who owned the field. "I'll keep the goose since it fell on my property," said the farmer. "But I shot the goose; it ought to be mine," the hunter said. "Well, let's decide this like responsible adults," said the farmer. "We'll take turns kicking each other in the groin until one of can't get up. The winner will keep the goose. I'll be first, here goes," And with that the farmer delivers a crushing kick to the hunter's groin. The hunter groans, spins around and around but doesn't fall down. "Wow, that hurt!" said the hunter, but now it's my turn." "Aw," said the farmer, "If you want the goose that bad, you keep it." ~~~~~~~~~

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!" ~~~~~~~~~

"Hello. This is Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online customer service. May I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like to report a problem with my telephone."
"Our records show you don't have local phone service through us."
"How'd you know who I am? I didn't give you my name."
"We have ways."
"Well, I'm pretty sure you have my phone service."
"Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV, Internet access and your MasterCard through us. Your phone service must be through one of the other three big communications companies.
Have you looked at your bill?"
"My bill is 134 pages long."
"Oh, you're one of our light users. But we'd be happy to become your local phone provider. If you sign up, you get one-third off long-distance calls made on your cellular phone to friends and family members who have an Internet home page."
"It's tempting, but I just want my phone fixed."
"Fine, sir. Just a reminder: Next time you need to contact us, try our Internet site. And when you get there, you can sign up for a free showing, through your satellite TV system, of Hamlet starring Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online CEO Ray Smith."
"Thanks. Goodbye."
Click. Dial. Ring.
"Good morning! This is SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars."
"Little Caesars? You do pizza?"
"You buy it over phone lines. It's content. Would you like one? You get a medium with two toppings when you order HBO on cable."
"Uh, no. I called because my phone line isn't working right."
"I see. Do you have your phone over your cable line or do you have your phone over a phone line."
"A phone line, I think."
"OK, then that's not SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars. My file shows that you get cable TV and video games on demand from us, but in your area, we only offer phone service over cable lines. If you use a phone line, it must be one of the other companies."
"Thanks. I'll call them."
"And sir? We're testing some new products in your area. We're offering electric service and natural gas service for 10% less than the public utilities. One-stop shopping. We want to provide you with everything that comes into your house and connects to a device or appliance."
"No, thanks. Bye."
Click. Dial. Ring.
"Hello. Endorphin Enterprises."
"I'm sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number."
"You're probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We used to be US West-UUNet-Universal Pictures-Ameritech, but that got pretty cumbersome. I guess they wanted to call it UUUUSA, but then decided to start fresh. So we're Endorphin Enterprises."
"Clever."
"Personally, I thought we should call ourselves Youse Guys. Get it?"
"Yeah, that's good. Um, I was calling because my phone line doesn't seem to work right."
"Ohhhhh. What services do you have with us?"
"I'm not sure."
"We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable TV, satellite TV, Internet access, music on demand and so on. But so does everybody else these days."
"Yes, well, it's gotten a little confusing. I've already called those two other companies with long names."
"Oh, right. OK, see, it looks like you don't have anything at all with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all the services so you'd know who to call. Except in your area, we only offer movies on demand over the Internet, so that could be a problem."
"No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed."
"My guess is you must have your local phone service through AT&T. That's the only other company left in the business."
"OK, I'll try AT&T."
Click. Dial. Ring.
"Hello. AT&T. Bob Allen speaking."
"Bob Allen? The chairman? I'm sorry. I wanted customer service."
"No problem. Hold on a moment."
Pause. Rustling sounds.
"Hello. Customer service. Bob Allen speaking."
"Mr. Allen, I really just wanted customer service."
"This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes totally against the mega-merger trend. Our shareholders love it. I'm getting paid $55 billion this year."
"Well, sir, my phone line doesn't work right, and I think I need someone to come fix it."
"Be right there, as soon as I can find my tool belt."

===========================

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father." ~~~~~~~~~

I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly "Jesus Christ!".
I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!" ~~~~~~~~~

Subject: The Dating Game
* Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law." Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."

- - - - -
* An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. She exclaimed, "Oh ! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." "You didn't !" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry."

- - - - -
* Father: "I spent $45,000 on my daughter's education and you want to marry her on your income of $ 14,000 a year ???"
Suitor: "Well... look at it this way 'Dad' -- that's over a 30% annual return on your investment." - - - - -

* Back when I was in high school, I "went steady" with a girl named Carolyn. She was a beautiful girl, smart, witty, and an excellent student -- in other words, not my type at all. Anyway, a friend asked me how come I was going steady with her, and I replied that she was not like a lot of the other girls at all. "How's that ?" he asked. "Well..." I replied, "for one thing, she agreed to go steady with me." ~~~~~~~~~~

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters ?" "Braille," she replied. ~~~~~~~~~

A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll." Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient." "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch." ~~~~~~~~~

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. Bust you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." ~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into". His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group". Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go. He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!" ~~~~~~~~~

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?" ~~~~~~~~~

Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation. ~~~~~~~~~

One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!" ~~~~~~~~~

Dole was asked the presidential underwear question: boxers or = briefs? After a moment's reflection, he answered, "Depends....." ~~~~~~~~~

An Mid-Westener walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Mid-Westener is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong? The Mid-Westener says, "What's that noise?" ~~~~~~~~~

Do French people American kiss?
What ever happen to the clear Pepsi?
This week is National Anxiety Week. I don't know why, but for some reason that makes me nervous.
According to a new study, 20% of men do not know how to properly put on a condom. You know what they call these men? Dad. (Leno)
Not to be outdone by the Chrysler-Benz merger, Geo and Yugo are considering a merger to manufacture quality golf carts. ~~~~~~~~~

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
~~~~~~~~~

**How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

...we cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle

**How do men exercise on the beach?

...by sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini

**How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

...make him wear shoes

**How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

...one-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

**What did God say after creating man?

...I can do so much better.

**What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

...Any place without a drive-up window.

**What do you call a handcuffed man?

...trustworthy

**What do you call a man with half a brain?

...gifted ~~~~~~~~~

Computer terms for Rednecks
1.Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
2.Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
3.Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
4.Byte - What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro
5.Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
6.Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
7.Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
8.Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
9.Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
10.Diskette - Female Disco dancer
11.Fax - What you lie about to the IRS 12.Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
13.Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tatoos
14.Internet - Where cafeteria workers put thier hair
15.Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

16.Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
17.Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers 18.Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high
19.Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
20.Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
21.Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
22.ROM - Where the pope lives
23.Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
24.Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast
25.Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
26.SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

======================================

Hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to........ SANTA! ~~~~~~~~~

A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see the plant manager, and told her "When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the *&#@ radio to work."

The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator.

He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds. Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road.

"Stupid rednecks!" he screamed.

The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!"

=========================

A top movie producer was discussing his new project, an action docudrama about famous composers with several top stars.
Stallone, Schwartzeneggar and Van Damme were present. The producer really desired the box office oomph of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select that famous composers they would portray.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him." The producer was pleased.
"Sounds splendid. But who do you want to be Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach." ~~~~~~~~~

Worlds shortest books
1. A Guide to Arab Democracies
2. A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3. Career Opportunities for History Majors
4. Contraception by Pope John Paul II
5. Semper Fi: My Life as a Marine by Riddick Bowe
6. Jack Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
7. Easy UNIX
8. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know About Women
10. Bill Clinton's Guide to Ethics
11. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
12. Guide to Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson
13. Mormon Divorce Lawyers
14. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
15. Popular Lawyers
16. Bob Dole: The Wild Years
17. The Amish Phone Book
18. How to Win Friends and Influence People by O. J. Simpson. ~~~~~~~~~

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" ~~~~~~~~~

A lady walks into this diner, sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge woman behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Ed the cook, who's even bigger and more disgusting,, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
The lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."
The waitress replies, "Oh yeah? That's nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts." ~~~~~~~~~

TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK...
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season

BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
ODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole. ~~~~~~~~~~

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry." ~~~~~~~~~

A friend is someone you can call to help you move. A best friend is someone you can call to help you move a body. ~~~~~~~~~

Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the crap out of him. ~~~~~~~~~

Q: How many male chauvinists does is take to change a light bulb in the kitchen?
A: Just let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q: What is the difference between Ooooo, and Aaaaaaaa?
A: About 2"
Q: What is 12" long and white?
A: Nothing
Q: What does a guy with a 12" dick have for breakfast?
A: Well this morning I had 2 eggs with bacon and orange juice.
Quote: If sex is a pain in the ass your probably doing it wrong.
So this girl says give me 12" and make it hurt, so I screwed her twice and hit her with a brick.
I told her that I only had 4" but you know some girls like them that wide.
I told her I was hung like a new born baby. You know, 7 lbs. and 19"!!!
She said she wanted 9", but I won't bend it in half for any woman!
Do you know what it says on the bottom of a Trojan condom when you roll it all the way down, Oh sorry I guess you've never seen one rolled all the way down.
Do you know what all women scream when they are totally satisfied in bed? No? I guess you've never totally satisfied a woman in bed. ~~~~~~~~~

40 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE OVER THE HILL

1. You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
2. You keep repeating yourself.
3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
4. You tune into the easy listening station... on purpose.
5. You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
6. Someone compliments you on your layered look... and you're wearing a bikini.
7. You keep repeating yourself. 8. You start video taping daytime game shows.
9. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

10. Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar... a month at a time.
11. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
12. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
13. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out... and it stays out.
14. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
15. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
16. You keep repeating yourself.
17. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
18. You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
19. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
20. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
21. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
22. You look both ways before crossing a room. 23. You keep repeating yourself.

24. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity. 25. You go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in the
garden.
26. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak... and you say "pureed."
27. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
28. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
29. Your back goes out more than you do.
30. You keep repeating yourself.
31. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "the hi-fi."
32. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
33. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
34. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
35. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
36. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
37. All of your favorite movies are now colourised and re-released.
38. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
39. You keep repeating yourself repeating yourself
40. You find this list tasteless and insensitive.

======================================

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

=======================

Actual Newspaper Headlines:
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Miners refuse to work after death
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Never withhold herpes from loved one
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say ~~~~~~~~~

On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance" answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance." ~~~~~~~~~

Relationship Advice From a Male Point of View
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
5) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occassion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
8) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
9) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
10) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
11) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you. ~~~~~~~~~

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out." ~~~~~~~~~

When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one to ever ask that after a tonsillectomy." ~~~~~~~~~

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well just put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch the guy goes out to chop some more wood and comes back saying, "Man, my hands are really freezing!" She says again "Well just put them here between my thighs again and that will warm them up." He does and again it warms his hands up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood up to get them through the night. When he returns, he says once more "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?" ~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do you call a fat girl whose phone rings on Saturday night?
A. Startled ~~~~~~~~~

Officials in Brazil say they have found a previously undiscovered tribe possessing unknown customs and speaking a never-before-heard language. They live in a nearly inaccessible portion of the Amazon rain forest. "Starbucks has arranged to open there early next week." (Dennis Miller) ~~~~~~~~~

One day a twelve year old walks into a bordello dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says, "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam says, "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "She has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "Active herpes." She responds, "Okay, have a seat - it'll be about five minutes." Two minutes later, a woman comes out, and they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when Mom and Dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and Mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after Dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and Mom will sleep with him..." "...And he's the bastard at ran over my frog." ~~~~~~~~~ Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda......no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee." ~~~~~~~~~

BUMPER STICKERS

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"i souport publik edekasion"

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

"No Radio - Already Stolen"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?" ~~~~~~~~~

Dear Son:
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain,and haven't seen them since.
It's only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send, your Aunt Sue said was too heavy to mail with all those big buttons on it so we cut them off and they're in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday -- some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.
Love, Your Mama
P.S.
Was gonna send you some money but already had this sealed up. ~~~~~~~~~

It was a nice summer day
when two flies came upon a
picnic lunch Finding only baloney, they promptly ate their fill.
The flies then flew to a nearby well for a drink, then sat on the pump handle to rest and talk.
After a few minutes, one said he had to leave and flew off, only to drop dead after a few feet. Then the second fly flew off, and he, too, dropped dead.
Moral: Don't fly off the handle when you're full of baloney.

==============================

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference. ~~~~~~~~~

Concerned that her love-life had quieted down somewhat Miss Lottsabazooma ( . )( . ) went to the doctor for her check-up.
Naturally the first thing asked ... "strip off Your clothes."
Her doctor noted that she was a little overweight.
"Why don't you diet?" he said. She looked down.......
"What color do you suggest?" she replied. ~~~~~~~~~

Vocational Vacation Spots
Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana
College Professors: University City, Missouri
Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin
Firefighters: Smokey Mountains
Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California
Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas
Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers: Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists: Plainview, New York
Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Pianists: Florida Keys
Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah
Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado
Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland
Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia
Sailors: Marina, California
Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa
Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
TV Evangelists: Paradise, California ~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why weren't the seven dwarfs interested in Snow White sexually?
A: Because they were fucking Dopey. ~~~~~~~~~

"The people who created Take Our Daughters To Work Day, the Ms. Foundation, have launched a drive to put a woman in the Oval Office by 2008. Someone ought to tell them Monica Lewinsky beat them to it." (Ira Lawson) ~~~~~~~~~

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate." ~~~~~~~~~

The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?"
"A horsy." one child answered.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy." replied another youngster.
"And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now children." she coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" said one little girl. "It's a horny bastard." ~~~~~~~~~

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?" ~~~~~~~~~

Things You Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign! ~~~~~~~~~

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. "His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

~~~~~~~~~

One man was explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
Two weeks ago, it was my 45th birthday. I wasn't feeling too hot when I got up that morning, you know, another year older and everything. Anyway, I went down to breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me, but she didn't even say "Good Morning."
I thought, "Well, that's great, certainly the children will remember." The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
By the time I got to the office, I was feeling very low and despondent. As I walked in my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning!... Happy Birthday!" Then I felt a little better that someone remembered. About noon she knocked at the door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
So I said, "That's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. But we didn't go to the place we usually went to. Instead we went to a little place in the country, which was more private. We had two drinks, and lunch was tremendous. I enjoyed it a lot. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. Do we have to go back to the office?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Good, my apartment isn't too far from here. Let's go over and I'll fix you another drink."
So we went to her apartment and had another drink. She said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and change into something more comfortable." I said, "OK" as I didn't mind a bit.
She went into the bedroom, and in about five minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and children, and they were all singing "Happy Birthday."
And there I sat with nothing on except my socks! ~~~~~~~~~

Dentist: Good grief! You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen-the biggest cavity I've ever seen.
Patient: You don't have to repeat it, doc!
Dentist: I didn't-that was the echo. ~~~~~~~~~

The proprietor of a highly successful optical shop was instructing his son as to how to charge a customer.
"Son," he said, "after you have fitted the glasses, and he asks what the charge will be, you say, 'The charge is $10.' Then pause and wait to see if he flinches.
"If the customer doesn't flinch, you then say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be another $10.'
"Then you pause again, this time only slightly, and watch for the flinch. If the customer doesn't flinch this time, you say firmly, 'Each.'" ~~~~~~~~~

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

====================

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things
I cannot change;
The courage to change
the things I cannot accept;
And the wisdom to hide the bodies
of those people I had to kill
today because they pissed me off.

And also,
Help me to be careful
of the toes I step on today as they
may be connected to the ass
that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Being curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence looks in and someone pokes him in the eyes. Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and inquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pastor was paying a visit to an elderly lady in her home when her phone rang and she went into the next room to answer it. As he was sitting there he noticed a glass candy dish full of roasted peanuts, and he ate a couple of them. The lady stayed on the phone quite a while, so the pastor grabbed a handful, thinking that she wouldn't notice. They were so good that he couldn't stop eating them, and when she finally finished her phone conversation he had eaten the entire dish of them.

When the elderly lady returned to the room, the pastor embarrassingly explained that he liked roasted peanuts so well that he couldn't stop eating them and he had eaten the whole dish full before he realized it. After he finished his apology, the lady chuckled and said "That's OK, my jaws are so weak nowadays that its all I can do to suck the chocolate off of them."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

News just in......

The Flora Margarine Company has just announced that is to market a new margarine for the older man, which, not surprisingly at the moment, will contain a measured dose of Viagra.

The name leaked to this correspondent, is a closely kept secret, but I have it on good authority that the name will be....

"I can't believe it's not Flaccid!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If God is everywhere, why do we need to go to church?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a girl named Alice who lived in New Jersey. She loved it so much that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State. One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to feel up her right tit. "I bet you call this Mount Pleasant," he said and she smiled in assent.

Working his hand down her ass he asked, "and this?"

"I call that Freehole." said Alice.

Getting hot and heavy, he maneuvered his hand around to the front. "I bet you will call this Cherry Hill," he said triumphantly.

"Oh no," Alice called out, "that's Eatontown."

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A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.

Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him. That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?" He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now."

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* An actor or actress works all their lives to gain recognition; they make guest appearances, spend a lot for publicity people and agents etc. Then, when they finally become well known, they complain they cannot go out in public anymore.

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Lawyer jokes don't work because:

1) Lawyers don't think they're funny, and

2) No one else thinks they're jokes.

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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright

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Quote of the Day

Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.

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A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says "well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started screwing the donkey, it was a lot of fun."

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said: "well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one screwed the neighbor's wife. It was a lot of fun."

The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said: "Well, one time I was lost........"

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TOP TEN LAST-SECOND ADDITIONS TO WINDOWS 98

We were a bit concerned that Microsoft's legal quandary earlier this week would delay the release of the final Win 98 code to computer manufacturers (and our review team). Turns out that Microsoft released it anyway, but only after adding these 11th- hour tweaks:

10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen.

9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.

8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan."

7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T.

6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.

5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products."

4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me."

3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.

2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!

1. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate."

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I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time. -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

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Justice Department officials have obtained internal Microsoft documents that would support a new antitrust case. Man, I hope the federal government wins. I like to root for the little guy.

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Word started getting out about Snow White's mirror and people really started getting the idea of wanting to inquire of the mirror themselves.

Sleeping Beauty wanted to know if she really was the most beautiful of all.

Tom Thumb wanted to make sure he really was the smallest person.

Quasimodo wanted to know that he was the ugliest. So they each went before the mirror.

As Sleeping Beauty was leaving she said "Oh, I really *am* the most beautiful of all!"

As Tom Thumb left he was quite pleased to know that he is indeed the smallest of all.

As Quasimodo left, he exclaimed "Who the heck is Janet Reno?"

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Did you hear about the clumsy lens grinder? He fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

There was of course the butcher that backed into the meat slicer .... and got a little behind in his work.

The monkey at the zoo accidentally backed up into a fan .... details to follow.

The dry cleaner wanted to go an a date, but found he was too pressed for time.

The plumber did not understand it, but his love life seemed to be going down the drain.

When asked how he was doing, the elevator operator said, "life has its ups and downs."

The glazier told his girlfriend, "I am putty in your hands..." And then she framed him. It was such a pane.

It was shocking... the old electrician seemed to get such a charge out of his job.

The cabinet makers wanted to form a union, but that action was always countered.

The cement finishers union was going to go on strike, but all the workers threw in the trowel.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dinghy.

The square dancers were going to procrastinate, but they never got around to it.

Why is the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder this diet is killing me....

If psychics really know what the winning lottery numbers are, why are they still working?

If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox?

If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?

If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a parasites?

If your first wife is Elle and then your second wife is also Elle, and they both go shopping in different cars, will they always parallel park?

If you have twin sons who are percussionists, will they both be able to paradiddle?

If you have a wife name Liza and a lover named Liza will you become paralyzed?

If you are lazy two days in a row does that mean you have achieved some kind of parallax?

If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?

If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is that called a relax?

If you visit the Pentagon in Washington D.C. for two days in a row is that called repenting?

Do two normal people make one paranormal?

Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

If you cook soup for your girl friend will she think you are a super guy?

Would you say that cats the purrrrrrrfect pet?

I don't know a doggone thing about missing animals....

Some people think I am naive and apathetic. I simply don't know what they mean, and I really don't care.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino!

When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain twice?

My mother told me not to yell through the screen door.... she did not want me to strain my voice.

If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively negative?

If the hijacker tells the pilot to fly the plane to Cuba and he refuses, does that mean he is experiencing abject terror?

You are unique.... just like everybody else.

When the gas station attendant offers to top off my gas tank, I find I am very tankful.

When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself?

When you come to the end of your rope, it is just the beginning...

When Bach or Beethoven erased a manuscript to make changes, were they decomposing?

What did the Buddhist tell the hot dog vender? Make me one with everything....

There is no prophet in atheism...

Are two dice a paradise?

If the African yak spins in circles till it gets dizzy, is that called an afro-dizzy-yak?

The person who goes around in small circles long enough usually ends up being a big wheel.

Would the man who was trying to describe accurately a religious belief be said to be trying to write right about the rite?

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Six middle-aged men using the new male potency drug Viagra died recently. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced today it is investigating the deaths.

Poor stiffs.