Jack: I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death. Elmer" What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death? Jack: I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work all the time. ~~~~~~~~~

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is postdated six years from now." ~~~~~~~~~

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit. In due time, he received an acknowledgement. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately." ~~~~~~~~~

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, "You have the dirtiest, most unkempt, uncivilized body I have ever seen." The patient says, "That's funny, that's what the other doctor told me yesterday." "Then," asked the doctor, "why did you come to see me?" The patient answers, "I wanted a second opinion." ~~~~~~~~~

A man walked up to a farmer as he came out of a voting booth, "I'm from the FBI."
"What seems to be the trouble?"
"We happen to know that you accepted a bribe and sold your vote."
"That's not true. I voted for the candidate because I like him."
"Well, that's where we've got you. We have concrete evidence you accepted $50 from him."
"Well, it's plain common sense. If someone gives you $50, you're going to like him." ~~~~~~~~~

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." ~~~~~~~~~

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?
Son: Why?
Father: So you could earn some money.
Son: Why?
Father: So you could put some money in a bank account and earn interest.
Son: Why?
Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your bank account . . . and you would never have to work again.
Son: I'm not working now. ~~~~~~~~~

Boss: I notice you go out and get your hair cut during business hours.
Employee: My hair grows during business hours.
Boss: But it doesn't all grow during business hours.
Employee: I didn't get it all cut. ~~~~~~~~~

Husband: We have been married five years and haven't agreed on a thing.

Wife: You're wrong again-it has been six years. ~~~~~~~~~

In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: "That's the hat for you. It makes you look ten years younger." "Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!" ~~~~~~~~~

Two old men who had been friends since the first world war, were sitting on a park bench. 1st man: "Joe, do you remember in the great war, how they use to put bromide in our tea, to stop us thinking about girls?"
2nd man "Yes, why?"
1st man "I think it's starting to work" ~~~~~~~~~

YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF:

1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
5. You used to drag "main"
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy's house
11. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children's
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of yourself
20. No place sells gas on Sunday
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
25. You ordered your wardrobe out of a catalog
26. You had senior skip day
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation
28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street
30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field) ~~~~~~~~~

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!" ~~~~~~~~~

Failed in business......................... 1831
Lost election for legislature.............. 1832
Failed again in business................... 1834
Sweetheard died............................ 1835
Nervous breakdown.......................... 1836
Lost second political race................. 1838
Defeated for Congress...................... 1843
Defeated for Congress...................... 1846
Defeated for Congress...................... 1848
Defeated for US Senate..................... 1855
Defeated for Vice President................ 1856
Defeated for US Senate..................... 1858
Elected President.......................... 1860
Abraham Lincoln ~~~~~~~~~

Two bums were sitting on a street curb, bored as ever.
Then, one of them got an idea, saying "I know, let's play swords!"
"Play swords?" asked the other. "How?" "Simple. Whip it out, smack it till it's hard, and we both whack'em together like swords."
So they did, and they were running up and down the street, smacking their dicks together playing swords.
Then, a gay man walked up to them and inquired about their actions.
"We're playing swords!" yelled one of the bums.
The gay man wanted to play too. An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted. "I'm tired," he said. He bent over saying, "Oh just kill me!, kill me!!" ~~~~~~~~~

So Dodi's father thinks there was a CIA and British intelligence plot to kill his son and Princess Diana. One wonders how such an idiot could become so rich ~~~~~~~~~

Dodi and Diana wanted a wedding made in heaven....

What’s the difference between Princess Di and a blade of grass? About 6 feet.

By the way, how many paparazzi does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They're too busy taking pictures.

What does DODI stand for? Died on direct impact

What is the new perfume named after Di? Impact

What’s the difference between Diana and Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't

Did you hear about Elton John's new album featuring 'Candle in the Wind? They decided not to call it 'Live in Paris'.

What’s the similarities between a broken arm and Princess Di? You need to get a doctor in to remove the plaster of Paris.

One of the paparazzi managed to get a last quote from Di after the accident but is unable to release it publicly because of the ban... All he could say was that she really needed to get something off her chest.

Why was Princess Diana's car going so fast. She was late for her flying lesson with John Denver.

What’s the difference between 39pence and Princess Di? Its easier to scrape together 39pence.

Would Diana have been buried if she had been married to Dodi? No, she would then have been mummy-Fied.

Why is Di like a mobile phone? They both die in tunnels!!

..so St. Peter says to Diana, "other than that, how was Paris?"

What do Lady Di and the Beatles have in common? They both made quite an impact over in Europe.

Doesn't it drive you up the wall to see so many Princess Diana jokes? Makes ya want to go get drunk and drive into a post, doesn't it.

What's the difference between those who get offended by Princess Diana jokes and a puppy? The puppy eventually stops whining.

=====================

A doctor spoke to his patient in his office. The doctor said "Well, I've got some bad news and some good news." Of course, the guy wanted to hear the bad news first (don't they always). The doctor bluntly said, "You've got about 48 hours to live." The man was devastated, "Oh my god, this is horrible, what am Igoing to do?" Then in the midst of his grief and sorrow, he remembered that there was good news, too. "Doc, is there a cure or something?" "Cure, of course not, otherwise I wouldn't have told you that you only have 48 hours left. No, I'm sorry, there's no cure or treatment." "But I thought you said there was good news." said the patient "Oh yeah. Remember when you came in, the beautiful nurse?" Asked the doctor. "Yeah," the puzzled patient said. "The blonde one with the tight white uniform.." "Yeah," the patient agrees. "The one with the beautiful breasts bulging out of that uniform..." "Yeahhhhh," the patient remembers and is starting to cheer up. "Well," the doctor leans close to confide, "I'm fucking her tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What has six legs and eats pussy ?
A: You, me and Ellen Degeneres.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year." The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family." The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain. "The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." Puzzlement. Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say, "What?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many seconds are there in a day?
That depends. How good were you the first time?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm running this again for the new subscribers...
WORK THIS OUT AS YOU READ.
Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out. (For those of us who are not math wizards, you might need a calculator)
1. First, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have sex.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747. If you haven't, add 1746.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this is your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week).
The second two digits are your age!!!
It really works!! If it didn't the first time, try again!!
This is the only year it will ever work!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think that if Satan ever showed himself And appeared on Larry King Larry would probably call him "one of the good guys" And say he "loved his work." Jim Rosenberg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says,
"Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure", he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says: "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"To encourage President Clinton's decision to visit China, Beijing will open four more McDonald's." (Will Couzin)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soap opera star Susan Lucci failed to win an Emmy for her role as Erica in the daytime drama "All My Children." It was her 18th loss. "Three more times and she gets to pitch for the Florida Marlins." (Argus Hamilton)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?" Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower." The Salesman asked if his mother was at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The Salesman: "Well can I see her?" Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.." The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?" Little Johnny: "No." The salesman asked why. Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the Vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase wetness in females. The pill will be called Niagara.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50"
"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!!!"
"So??? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.
So I told her, "The difference is.... My wife will do it for only $35." Snatch a kiss..... or vice versa. Dogbyte

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
................................................
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Time wounds all heels.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is,... I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judi and her friend Jill decided to have their picture taken and went to the photographer. The process was totally new to Judi, so she kept asking Jill questions.
"What's he doing now?"
"He's going to pull down the backdrop."
"What's he doing now?"
"He's going to set up the camera."
"What's he doing now?"
"He's going to focus."
"What! Both of us?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What's that number for 911 again" (Homer Jay Simpson)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is there so much Domestic Violence in the world?

A: Because women just don't listen......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." Dave Barry

"There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that." Steve Martin

"I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it." Gary Shandling

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. - Rita Rudner

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."- Tom Clancey

Warning signs that lover is bored:
1. Passionless kisses
2. Frequent sighing
3. Moved, left no forwarding address

"I said to my girl, 'Was it good for you too?' And she said, 'I don't think this was good for anybody." - Gary Shandling

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up." - Barbara Bush

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead." - Ann Landers

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard

"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day." - Mickey Rooney

"Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, "What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?" - Rodney Dangerfield

"In expressing love we belong among the undeveloped countries." - Saul Bellow

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution." - Mae West

"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage." - Ambrose Bierce

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." - Sigmond Freud

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

=========================

I don't trust President Clinton, or her husband!

===================

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math and Science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence -- what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

~~~~~~~~~

There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realizes that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again. He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"

His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"

The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning and I'm still blind!"

And his mom says.......

"April Fools!!"

~~~~~~~~~ WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS!

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars the way they buy computers --but imagine if they did... ----------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" ----------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" ----------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"

HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!" ----------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a church and a movie theater?
A: In a church they say: Pray in the name of Jesus!"
In a movie theater they say: "Shut up, for Christ's sake!"

*****************

In Baltimore, there's a 60-year-old "Lady of the Night" listed in the Yellow Pages. In fact,... She's the oldest trick in the book!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes".
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said "to your house."

~~~~~~~~~

A fair customer of Goldstein's delicatessen marveled at his consistent perspicacity. "What makes you so smart?" she wondered. "Herring heads," said Goldstein promptly. "Eat enough herring heads and you'll be positively brilliant."
"Can I buy some here?" she asked. "Certainly," said Goldstein. "They're fifty cents apiece."
The lady took three. A week later she complained that her I.Q. was unchanged. "You didn't eat enough yet," said Goldstein, so this time she took twenty herring heads. Cost: ten dollars.
On her next visit, she was more perturbed than ever. "Say," she accosted Goldstein. "You sell me a whole herring for fifteen cents. Why should I pay you fifty cents for just the head?"
"You see," beamed Goldstein, "how much smarter you are getting?"

~~~~~~~~~

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. . ." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.

The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital ,his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a newshirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

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This guy goes into the bar Friday night and orders three beers, in fact every Friday night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them all by himself. Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3. Well, the bartender can't figure this out. Without fail this guy comes in. The bartender finally says to the guy "Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3." The guy says "Yes there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam. One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we return to the states. We also decided if one of us didn't make it the other two would drink the third ones beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt bad. Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Friday after Friday this guy now orders only two drinks. This went on for some time and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it. The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here." The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more." ~

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Is there some kind of rule that says major league umpires must be overweight slobs?

I saw a billboard proclaiming a "new tradition of service." Isn't a tradition something that has been going on a long time?

My solution for telemarketers: I tell them I'm dead.

The U.S. Postal Service needs that extra penny to cover the cost of storage.

Why is it when the dentist has both of his hands in your mouth, he wants to carry on a conversation?

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

The same government that has squandered and mismanaged our tax dollars into a $5 trillion national debt somehow feels qualified to give business advice to Microsoft, one of the most successful enterprises of the century?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if it were deregulated?

The funniest thing about the last "Seinfeld" was the laugh track. You know what those people were laughing at? Nothing.

What are all those bank tellers doing back there other than ignoring all of us who are standing in line?

You know your luxurious cruise vacation is over when you find yourself at Burger King eating a Whopper.

======================== Did you hear that Stop & Shop and A & P have merged? The new store's called Stop 'n' P. ~~~~~~~~~

What were Jesus' last instructions to the Polish people? "Play dumb till I get back." What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo? At a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker!"

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Dating Dictionary
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to t fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

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