A bumper sticker to piss `em all off...
Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Jewish merchant was retiring from his hardware business in New York City. He decided to turn the business over to his son and move to Florida. One day as he is basking in the sun in Florida he gets a call from his son in New York. " Dad, you've got to come up and see what I've done. We have a Billboard display in New Jersey. You have to see it to believe it. It is really going to bring in the business." The father drives up from Florida, and as he approaches the billboard in New Jersey he sees a crucifix with Jesus hanging on it. Next to the crucifix is in bold letters "Use Cohn's Nails!" The father tells the son that the sign must come down or every Christian in New York and New Jersey will come after him for blood. The son reluctantly agrees and takes it down .Six months go by and again the father gets a call from his son. " Dad, I think I have it straight now. We adjusted the billboard, and I think we really draw the business this time. come on up and see the billboard. Again, the father gets in his car and drives up to New Jersey. As he views the billboard this time it shows the crucifix empty with Jesus crumbled at its base. Next to the crucifix in bold letter " Should have used Cohn's Nails!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *SPLAT* he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farm house to inform the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, he said, " Pardon me Madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off." "Not so fast," Said the woman, "how do you know it's our cat? Can you describe him? What did he look like?" The man promptly flopped down on the ground and said, "He looks like this," as he gave his best dead cat impression. "OH! YOU HORRIBLE MAN!!" She shrieked, "I meant what did he look like before you hit him!!" At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So, pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip dear?" He says: "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says: "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always wanted to take a trip to Hawaii, but they were never able to save enough money to do so. One day they came up with an idea-- each time they had sex, they would put a $20 bill into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided there was enough money for their vacation and they broke the piggy. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't this strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20 into the piggy. But here we have many $50 and $100 bills." The wife replied: "Do you think that everyone is as stingy as you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Differences between good girls and bad girls.

*Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.

*Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

*Good girls wax their floors.

*Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

*Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.

*Bad girls know they could do it better.

*Good girls wear white cotton panties.

*Bad girls don't wear any.

*Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

*Bad girls think they're fullu dressed with just a strand of pearls.

*Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.

*Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

*Good girls pack their toothbrush.

*Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

*Goodgirls wear high heels to work.

*Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

*Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.

*Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

*Good girls prefer the missionary postition.

*Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

*Good girls say 'no'.

*Bad girls say 'when?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week after their marriage, these newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doctor, my testicles are turning blue." The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?" "Yes." she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then asked. "Grape." she said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, "May G-d bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money," she says?

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmuka." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. We don't need any one they replied. You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing. We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job. He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.How in the world did you do that, they asked. I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime. Did you get a urine sample they asked him. What's that the asked. Well if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples. He was gone about 8 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine andsets them on the desk and says here's Mr. Browns and this one is Mr. Smith. That's good they said, but what's in those two buckets? Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day
If winning isn't important then why keep score? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've got this thing for lean, rangy men," said the new coder at the software company. "That Ralph in sales is certainly a long tall drink of water." "I hate to bust your bubble honey," replied the office veteran, "but for a long tall drink of water, he's got an awful short straw." ******* Asked how she liked his love making, the girl replied, "Oh Timmy, you have no equals." His smile disappeared however when she then added, "Only superiors." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joan, the well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. " The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we'd appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. " No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed gentleman. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck Dating Etiquette (Outside the Family)
* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

* Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

* If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The story is told of a father who had twin sons. One son was an optimist, the other a pessimist. On the twins' birthday, while the boys were at school, the father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read the instructions, and I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will get broken," answered the pessimist.
Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" asked the father. To which the optimist replied, "There's got to be pony in here somewhere!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"
She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. "What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?

A. At a straight rodeo they yell ride that sucker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young couple gets married and while at the reception the nervous groom, not quite knowing what is expected of him, goes to his grandfather and asks, "Grandfather, what am I supposed to do tonight when we are alone and together and how am I supposed to do it?"
The grandfather replies, "Son, all you do is take the thing you play with and put it in the hole where she pees. It's that simple."
The groom thanks his grandfather. A few days later the grandfather sees the groom and asks, "Well, how did it go?"
The groom replied, "I did just like you told me, I took my bowling ball and threw it in the toilet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A doctor was being sued for malpractice and stood to lose his practice. Desperate for cash, he decided to hold up a bank. Problem was nobody could read the hold-up note. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A six-year-old boy walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks." "You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe in a couple of years," replied the boy. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fred and Edith were living in the Old Folks Home. One day, Fred says to Edith, "Hey, Edith! You wanna go for a boat ride?" Edith says, "Sure!" So, there they were paddling along... and they come to a fork in the river. Fred says, pointing to the left and then to the right, "Edith... up or down?" Edith says, "What??" Fred, again, pointing to the left and then to the right, says "Up... or down?" Well, Edith starts RIPPING her clothes off, then rips the clothes right off of Fred's back and starts screwing the hell out of him! When they're finished, Fred rows back to the Old Folks Home *extremely* happy. The next week, Fred says "Edith (wink, wink) wanna go for a boat ride? (wink, wink)" Edith says, "Why, sure!" So, there they go, Fred paddling like a madman, trying to reach the fork in the river. They reach the fork and Fred turns anxiously to Edith and says, "Edith! Up or down!?" Edith looks at the fork in the river and says, "Oh... up, I guess." Fred looks at her confused and repeats, "Edith... UP or DOWN?" Edith, again looks at the fork and repeats, "UP." Fred, looking quite confused says "Edith... what is with you? Last week I said 'up or down' and you tore your clothes off and screwed me like a madwoman!" Edith, shocked says: "Is THAT what you said? UP or DOWN? Omigosh... my hearing aid was in the shop getting fixed last week... I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown'!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a linesman from the acme power co. was out in front of little Stevie's house, up on the pole repairing the line. As little Stevie looked up to observe, he was nearly struck in the head by a wrench.
When the linesman made it down to retrieve the wrench, Stevie wondered aloud, "Why don't you do like my dad would and carry two, just in case one drops like now?"
"Oh, don't worry kid, I know what i'm doing," replied the linesman. Minutes later, as Stevie is still observing the linesman's work, a screwdriver falls to the ground and stabs into the dirt.
Again, the linesman comes down to retrieve the tool, looking frustrated. Stevie quips, "You know, my dad would have two of those screwdrivers up there too, just in case he dropped one." The linesman ignores him, a little irked at the little kid's input.
At lunchtime Stevie came back out from the house to watch some more. He happened upon the same linesman, who was relieving himself next to a bush, openly exposed and caught off guard by the boy. Surprised and angered, he says, "Don't tell me kid, let me guess, your dad has two of these also." With the linesman standing there holding his "tool,"
The boy looks and quickly replies, "No, not two, but his is twice as long." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once again Homey Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he handed in:

1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOR ROLL.

2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said DISMAY hurt a little.

4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space

6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said gimme one MOBILE

7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.

9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said 'DATA boy'.

15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said COPULATE.

16. FASCINATE - My girly's titty's are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons but she can only FASCINATE.

17. BEWARE - I asked at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"

18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.

19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, you'll be thrown out the COATROOM.

20. DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have couple of bitches on DECIDE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A: Two points, just like anyone else. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy". Which now had a button sewed on the tip. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three bulls were sitting out in a pasture. The first bull spoke up and said, " I hear there's a new bull coming in." The other two agreed, then he said, "Well, he can't have none of my cows." The second one agreed, and the third and smallest of the three said, "I only have two or three, I can't afford to give him any." Just then, the cattle truck came up the road and stopped. The door came down, and out came the biggest, baddest, meanest bull any of the three had seen. The first bull spoke up, " I guess he can have a few of my cows." The second one agreed, but the third starting to snort, toss his horns in the air, and began pawing at the ground. The second bull asked, " You ain't gonna fight are you?" He replied, " Nope, just making sure he knows I'm a bull." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Business was bad for Tom's company so he had to lay off one of his staff. He felt terrible about the whole thing and just couldn't decide on which one to let go. It had to be either Jack or Mary. Finally he just decided that the first one to get up and go to the water cooler would be the unfortunate one. As luck would have it, this turned out to be Mary. So Tom walked up to her and said: "Mary, I'm either going to have to lay you or Jack off." "Well," says Mary, "you're just going to have to jack off because I've got a friggin' headache."

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Did you hear about the new game fish they came up with. It started at the department of the Interior. Requests came in for a new game fish that had everything and they finally found it.. They thought. They started by crossing the Koho Salmon with a Walleye Pike and called the new fish a Ko-Wal. The results were perfect. The fish tasted great, reproduced well and was just what they wanted but only one thing. No one would go fishing for it because it w ldn't fight. It wasn't any fun so it was backto the drawing board. Then they found the answer. They crossed the Ko-Wal with the Musky, the greatest fighting game fish ever. Now they had a fish that tasted great and fought like hell. Only problem was, when they named it Kowalsky, it drowned. ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then-just tell my wife!" ~~~~~~~~~

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a girl looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said, "I have had a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!" ~~~~~~~~~

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!" "I'm willing, let's go," she said. They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the old grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50". Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!" ~~~~~~~~~

TOP 10 REASONS WOMEN DATE JERKS INSTEAD OF NICE GUYS

10. More fun to complain about them to your friends.

9. Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.

8. When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?

7. You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.

6. All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.

5. Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.

4. Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.

3. No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.

2. Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.

and the Number One Reason Women Date Jerks Instead of Nice Guys 1. Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers. ---------------------------------------

TOP 10 REASONS MEN DATE BIMBOS INSTEAD OF NICE GIRLS

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera".

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys'.

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality -- now shut up and finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe that it's eight inches.

and the Number One Reason Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls 1. They will put up with you. ~~~~~~~~~

****** Our Town Is So Small... ******

..our city limits signs are both on the same post !

..the City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell

..the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch

..the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2

..the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot long hot dog

..the New Years baby was born in October

..the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions

..there's no place to go that you shouldn't

..a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes

..the phone book has only one page

..there's nothing doing every minute

..at the last beauty contest, nobody won 1st, 2nd or 3rd

..the ZIP code was a fraction

..second street is in the next town

~~~~~~~~~

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. ~~~~~~~~~

When you talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia. ~~~~~~~~~

If I had a dog I'd train him to kill on command, and the command I'd use would be, "Is he friendly?" ~~~~~~~~~

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? ~~~~~~~~~

A lesbian is just another woman trying to do a man's job ~~~~~~~~~

I am NOT "going bald," I'm "getting more head!" ~~~~~~~~~

There was an Texan and a Californian walking through a field, when they came across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence. The Texan quickly dropped his pants and mounted the sheep. After he was done he turned to the California guy and asked if he wanted to go next...the Californian then dropped his pants and put his head in the fence. ~~~~~~~~~

A man is driving his 8 year old son home from school. While they are stopped at a traffic light, the son notices 2 dogs screwing on the lawn next to the car. "What are they doing?" asks the kid. "Uuuhhhh.....they.....are.....uh........making a puppy" says Dad. The son says OK, and dad is relieved he didn't have to tell the birds and bees story yet. The next Sunday morning, the son bursts into his parents bedroom while his parents are naked and Dad is on top of Mom. "What are you doing, Dad?" the kid asks. Dad thinks for a minute, then replies..."We are making a baby" The kid looks puzzled, then says "Well, shit Dad, roll her over, I'd rather have a puppy!" ~~~~~~~~~

As the doe came wandering out of the thicket she was heard to mutter, That's the last time I'll do that for 2 bucks!" ~~~~~~~~~

A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone. "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge. "No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years." ~~~~~~~~~

This 95 year old man is walking down the street and he sees a red light on this house. He says to himself I'm going to get myself a woman. Going up the stairs he rings the bell and this beautiful blonde opens the door .She says what can I do for you ? He says in a weak voice I'd like to have sex with a beautiful women. She says, fella you must be 90 years old!!!!! He proudly says I'm 95 years old....She says fella I think you've had it. He reaches into his pocket and says thank you how much do I owe ya? ~~~~~~~~~

There was once a monastery which required a vow of silence, but each year the monks were allowed to say two words to the abbot. A certain monk came to speak to the abbot after his first year. "Food bad," he said. After his second year, he stated, "Bed hard." When his third year came around, he said, "Room cold." Upon his fourth anniversary, he shouted angrily, "I quit," to which the abbot replied, "I'm not surprised. You've been complaining ever since you got here!" ~~~~~~~~~

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top." ~~~~~~~~~

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3; 1 to screw in the bulb, 1 to hold the giraffe, and 1 to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power-tools.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Q: How many weightlifters does it take to put in a light bulb?

A: Two, one to actually screw in the lightbulb, and one to stand around saying "YOU LOOK HUGE MAN, YOU LOOK HUGE!!"

Q: How many Lenin-Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None; the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but it takes 8 emergency room staff to remove it! ~~~~~~~~~

What is the one negative side-effect of taking Viagra?

... Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in... ~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the dyslexic that tried to kill himself?

He jumped behind a speeding train!

=========================

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not." ~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that Louise Woodward has joined the Spice Girls? The first thing she did was drop Baby Spice. ~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob?

A: You'll never hear a guy getting a bj say 'Slow down, stop, BITE YOU COCKSUCKER!' ~~~~~~~~~

The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman? ~~~~~~~~~

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy. Besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!" ~~~~~~~~~

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ~~~~~~~~~

On night a district judge went out on a binge and threw up all over his new suit. He came home that night, disrobed then passed out next to his wife without waking her up. The next morning his wife woke him up and asked him what happened to his suit. "Well" the judge replied. "Last night I decided to ride around with the city police while the made a few arrest's on some drunk'en drivers. They loaded a drunk up in the car and he passed out and threw up all over me. But don't worry dear. This morning when he comes before me in court I'll make sure he pays enough to clean my suit. That morning in court his wife called him up on the telephone. She asked, "John have you run that drunk through court, that threw up on your suit." The judge answered. "No!" She replied: "Well you better charge him a lot more, cause he shit your pants too. ~~~~~~~~~

A truck driver brought before the judge for an assault charge. The Judge asked the man why he beat the victim up so bad and the truck driver answered: "Well sir Judge that man called a stupid son-of-a- bitch." The judge replied, "Well you didn't need to beat him up that bad. The truck driver answered "I know that Judge, but what would you do if he called you a stupid son-of-a bitch. The Judge answered: "But I'm not a stupid son-of-a-bitch" The truck driver answered: "I know that judge but what would you do if he called you the kind of a son-of-a-bitch, you are.

===========================
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!" ~~~~~~~~~

It's the middle of an international gynecology conference, and an English and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've treated recently.

FRENCH GYNAECOLOGIST: Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon.

ENGLISH GYNAECOLOGIST: Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big. My good man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was.

FRENCH GYNAECOLOGIST: Aaah, you eenglish docteurs, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size. I was talkeeng about ze flavour. ~~~~~~~~~

Ten reasons why e-mail is like a male reproductive organ

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

9. Those who have it, think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make over it.

7. Many of those without it would like to have it (e-mail envy)

6. It's more fun when it's up but makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. If you don't take proper precautions it can spread viruses.

4. If you use it too much you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

1. If you play with it too much you'll go blind! ~~~~~~~~~

One day, after string gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the "YOKON", he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right. "The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to Pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The women inside the room looked at the miner and said, "you found her" Then she stripped naked bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. " I don't replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first ". ~~~~~~~~~

The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary walking by asked. "Yes," he replied "how do you work this thing." "Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder. "Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out?" ~~~~~~~~~

A man goes into a bar with a dog and sits down at the counter and places the dog on the next stool. "Let me have a beer" says the man, and the dog says "I'll have one too!" The bartender laughs and says "what are you a ventriloquist or something?" The man says "No, he is a talking dog," and the dog says "that's right-where's me beer?" Well the bartender gives them a beer and after talking to them for a while he realizes this is for real. Finally, being out of cigarettes he asks the owner if his dog can get him some butts down the street. The owner says he never has, but I'm sure he can. So the bartender gives the dog ten dollars for a carton of cigarettes and sends the dog on its way. Half an hour later when the dog doesn't return the two men get worried and go out looking for the dog. Finally, they pass an alley and there's his dog screwing another dog. The owner says to his dog, "I don't understand, you never did this before." And the dog says "I never had ten dollars before!" ~~~~~~~~~

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, 1 person must ENJOY it. ~~~~~~~~~

George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested after all," she said. George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125!! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

===========================

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred." The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system." The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work." ~~~~~~~~~

How is being at a singles bar different that being at the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. ~~~~~~~~~

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. ~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it." Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?" Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!" ~~~~~~~~~

In a restaurant between San Diego and Camp Pendleton, a young boy was playing in the restroom sink when a sailor came in.
"Wow Mister!" said the boy, "Are you a REAL sailor?"
"Yes I am! Why, would you like to wear my hat?" replied the sailor.
"Neato! Thanks mister!" said the boy, donning the hat and continuing to play in the sink.
Shortly after the sailor entered a stall, a Marine came in.
"Wow Mister!" said the boy, "Are you a REAL Marine?"
"Yes, I am kid. Why, do you want to suck my dick?" replied the Marine.
"Oh gosh no mister! I'm not a REAL sailor, I'm just wearing the hat!" ~~~~~~~~~

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the alter wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, " Yes. And my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." ~~~~~~~~~

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? -- Steven Wright ~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said,
"Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"
The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"
So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,
"I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."
To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"
Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,
"Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable." ~~~~~~~~~

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." ~~~~~~~~~

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn't decide which one to marry. So he gave five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.
The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, "I want to look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket--and gave them to the man. "I bought you these gifts because I love you," she told him.
The third woman invested the money in stocks and soon doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. "I'm investing in our future because I love you so much," she said.
The man carefully considered how each one had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.
~~~~~~~~~

CLASSIFIED ADS
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home. ~~~~~~~~~

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! ~~~~~~~~~

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know. ~~~~~~~~~

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen: restrooms

--------- Please wait for hostess to seat you. ~~~~~~~~~

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINE

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

~~~~~~~~~

A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, stranded on a desert island. After some time, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and the breeze was warm and gentle. What a perfect night for romance!

As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it. But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm. From then on, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful, young woman. When the young maiden was well enough, they all introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. What a perfect for a night for a romance!

The guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them off as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

~~~~~~~~~

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as tight as you are." ~~~~~~~~~

I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it...
Underneath someone had scrawled...
'.......SO WAS THE TITANIC !!' ~~~~~~~~~

"The similarities between me and my father are different." -- Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son, on father/son similarities ~~~~~~~~~

Why are all teachers crosseyed???
Cause they can't control their pupils......

==============================

Britain lowered the homosexual age of consent to 16. In other news, Michael Jackson has scheduled a series of concerts in London ...

=========================

Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married. So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute. "Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us." "And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's should be enough." Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?" "Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far." ~~~~~~~~~

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you, but when I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion", she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!" ~~~~~~~~~

Subject: Steven Wright-isms

o Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...

o I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

o I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

o I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

o Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

o I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."

o I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.

o I'm a peripheral visionary.

o I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

o Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

o The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year." ~~~~~~~~~

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, " Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"

Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof*...the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, " That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, " Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * The light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof * the light goes off?'"

Becky replied, "The darn fool!.... He's peeing in the fridge again!" ~~~~~~~~~

"Hymie, have got a deal for you. I can do you a genuine African elephant for five hundred pounds." "Moishy, Moishy, what am I going to do with an elephant? I have a wife and three kids and we live in a two bedroom flat with one living room and a kitchen. There's isn't the room to swing a cat. You stick out your elbows and the walls have to bend. It's on the fourteenth floor. we haven't a window box never mind a garden." "But Hymie, I can do you two for seven hundred and fifty pounds." "Now you're talking Moishy." ~~~~~~~~~

Journalism
Jon Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)
"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." (Jimmy Hill - BBC)
"Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names." (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)
"Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily." (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)
Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day." simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" (Talk Radio)
Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time." (BBC Radio 4)
Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks." (GLR)
Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?"
Girl: "No. It was a cock-up."
Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that!"
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that." (BBC) ~~~~~~~~~

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked "Do you keep stationery ?" "Well," she giggled, "I can ... until the last few minutes, then I just go plain wild." ~~~~~~~~~

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Being curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence looks in and someone pokes him in the eyes. Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" ~~~~~~~~~

News just in...... The Flora Margarine Company has just announced that is to market a new margarine for the older man, which, not surprisingly at the moment, will contain a measured dose of Viagra. The name leaked to this correspondent, is a closely kept secret, but I have it on good authority that the name will be.... "I can't believe it's not Flaccid!" ~~~~~~~~~

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side. ~~~~~~~~~

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun!
Who does he shoot???
Gates, twice to be sure. ~~~~~~~~~

An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears. The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses. The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. The devil offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!" "Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell.'" ~~~~~~~~~

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

=============================== Overheard at the bridge table:

"Lay down and let's see what you've got."
"I've got strength but no length."
"Take your hand off my trick!"
"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
"Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
"I have to protect my honour now."
"Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber." ~~~~~~~~~

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?" ~~~~~~~~~

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.......... ~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A. Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949.

Q. Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts?
A. Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can.