The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. ~~~~~~~~~

Sean Fitzpatrick is showing John Eales and Mat Burke around New Zealand. They are driving along and see a sheep caught in a barbed wire fence with it arse stuck in the air. John Eales says ' geez I wish that was Cindy Crawford ' Mat Burke says ' I wish it was Elle McPherson ' Sean Fitzpatrick says ' Shit I just wish it was dark ' ~~~~~~~~~

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat ~~~~~~~~~

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she's never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, "What are they doing?" He says "They're making love." "Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She ask. "Oh, uh, that’s his rope" he answered. "Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she ask. He says "Those are his knots" She says, "Oh, Ok I got it." As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were." Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they're getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts. The girl innocently (??) replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope." ~~~~~~~~~

What "Win98" Really Means
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

10. The number of floppies it will ship on.

9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.

8. The number of megabytes you'll have left on your hard drive after you complete the installation.

7. The number of pages in the easy installation summary.

6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new operating system.

5. The number of minutes to install.

4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.

3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.

2. The number of fatal bugs that remain on the release date.

..and the number one thing most people think the *98* in WIN98 stands for:
1. The year it was DUE to ship. ~~~~~~~~~

Advice To Women From Men
------------------------
- Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

- If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

- Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

- Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

- Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punch line.

- The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's just not crying. Big difference.

- When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.

- What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

- The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

- Sports Center starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

- If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

- Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

- You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

- Silence does not need to be filled.

- It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.

- No, you can't have the remote control. ~~~~~~~~~

A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad." St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad" The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad". Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad. The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?" The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God "Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad." God says "Ohh.. Your here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?" The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee" God yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!" ~~~~~~~~~

John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark and told him of his adventures. "I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind." "When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped." "I happened to see a house not far away and made towards it." "As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time." "With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face." "That's some story there, John, I would have shit my pants" "Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???" ~~~~~~~~~

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla -- for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
~~~~~~~~~

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman ~~~~~~~~~

He who laughs last is S-L-O-W. ~~~~~~~~~

At President Clinton's big press conference recently, he refused to answer any questions about Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones or that affair with Miss America. But he did tell the press that he's met someone new, she's very special, but he doesn't want to jinx it by talking about it. -- Jay Leno

Viagra Va-Va-Voom: "What a night I had last night. I'm exhausted. On the way home from work, I stopped at Starbucks, had one of their new Viagra lattes. I was up all night." (Jay Leno)

Food For Thought: "According to Business Age, Elle MacPherson is the world's richest supermodel. She' worth $38 million. Cindy Crawford is worth $36 million. They didn't get this rich from modeling. They got it from saving money on food." (Leno)

Martha, Martha, Martha: Martha Stewart is launching a new television show aimed at children. "She says the show is supposed to teach children that Martha Stewart does everything better than Mommy." (Conan O'Brien)

Starr-y Eyed: Police arrested the Costa Mesa Peeping Tom. He was looking in windows, taping people without their knowledge and monitoring their sex lives. "From now on, he'll be known as Special Prosecutor Tom." (Argus Hamilton)

Smoking Pot: Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot, dead at 73, was blamed for the deaths of 2 million Cambodians. "The world's a funny place. If he did that in America, he'd be a tobacco company." (Williams) ~~~~~~~~~

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. -- Steven Wright ~~~~~~~~~

Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm. ~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money. ~~~~~~~~~

There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well there's nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick there are only two things to worry about:
Either you get well or you die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die there are only two things to worry about:
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry. ~~~~~~~~~

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me? ~~~~~~~~~

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom I'll show you how." ~~~~~~~~~

Jon, a Scotsman, upon finishing his business in the outhouse, was pulling up his pants when a quarter slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and fell into the hole. Peering ruefully into the hole, Jon muttered to himself, "For a quarter, Nae." Upon which, he reluctantly withdrew another quarter from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he descended, "But for 50 cents, AYE!" ~~~~~~~~~

They did a study and do you know what men miss most about being single???? Having Sex!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener. ~~~~~~~~~

Precisely nine months after the young couple were married, the wife was rushed to the hospital to give birth. Shortly after her arrival, the doctor stuck his head out of the delivery room and told the husband that he was the father of a bouncing baby boy. The new father consulted his watch and said, "Well, nature certainly is precise. It's exactly seven o'clock." Twenty minutes later, the doctor appeared again, all smiles. "Congratulations, again," he said. "You are also the father of a beautiful baby girl!" "Yessir, doctor," the father replied, "right to the minute." Then, glancing at his watch, he added, "Well, I guess I'll go out and have a drink. There isn't another due until ten-thirty." ~~~~~~~~~

I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly "Jesus Christ!". I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!" ~~~~~~~~~

Macaulay Culkin married his girlfriend, Rachel Miner. They're both 17. "Things didn't go well at the bachelor party. The stripper jumped out of the cake to surprise Culkin, and he hit her in the head with a bucket of paint. The awkward part of the wedding ceremony came when Macaulay got to kiss the bride. Not only did he have to lift her veil, he had to remove her retainer." (Jay Leno) ~~~~~~~~~

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
~~~~~~~~~

Comments about Marriage

My Wife put some magic back in our marriage - she disappeared!

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport!

The only thing my wife and I have in common is we got married on the same day!

The first part of our marriage was very happy, then on the way back from the church.

There's only one thing that keeps me from being happily married - my wife!

My wife gave up sex for Lent and I didn't notice till Christmas.

Wife to Husband: Why do you keep reading our marriage license? Husband to wife: I'm looking for a loophole!

~~~~~~~~~

A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have." ~~~~~~~~~

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the defendant. ~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever wondered why:

Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese?

Men who can't pay their credit card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?

Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East?

Men who flunked high school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?

Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want? ~~~~~~~~~

On the first night he pulled his revival meeting tent into the Southern town, Preacher Bob had a full house. After a long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus." The next night the revival tent is only half full. After going through the same long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and he'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus." The next night the revival tent in only one quarter full. After going through the long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting the third night, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been she'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus." The next night there is only one man left in the audience. It was ol' Klem, a middle aged virgin due to his lack of sex appeal, even by hillbilly standards. Preacher Bob says, "Now brother, you should feel proud that you are still able to come to this tent tonight. I want you to testify! Testify how it is that you are able to join me tonight in this holy tent!" Klem responds, "Shit preacher, you didn't say nothin' bout me-in and me-in!" ~~~~~~~~~

Subject: Female Logic
* Waiter: "We have practically everything on the menu." Yuppette: "So I see. Can you possibly bring me a clean one ?"

- - - - - * Daughter: "Daddy, why does it rain ?" Father: "To make the grass and flowers grow." Daughter: "Then why does it rain on the driveway & sidewalk ?" - - - - -

* As the X-Ray tech walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows with a former patient, a co-worker Nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her, "Wonder what she saw in him ?" ~~~~~~~~~

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top 10 Signs that Your Child has Grown Too Old for Breast Feeding

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."

1. Beard abrasions on areola. ~~~~~~~~~

An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?" "Ya mean women?" asked the shitkicker. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degradation." However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

=============================

[Online Tonight]
Perhaps you've heard about the latest heart throb macho movie star. He lost an awful lot of fans after appearing in his first porno film. The ladies were disappointed he had such a small part. ~~~~~~~~~

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine----what's that?", she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone." ~~~~~~~~~

Definitions
Acute Alcoholic: an attractive drunk.

Adolescence: the age between puberty and adultery.

Adultery: when a husband is too good to be true.

Alcoholic: a person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Alimony: the high cost of leaving.

Artificial Insemination: copulation without representation.

Automated: a couple making love in a car.

Avalanche: a mountain getting its rocks off.

Brothel: Home is Where the Tart is.

Calculated Risk: a computer date with a girl who doesn't take the pill.

Castration: a eunuch experience.

Censor: one who sticks his no's into other people business.

Cherry Cobbler: a virgin shoemaker

Chivalry: a man's inclination to save a woman from everyone but himself.

Clear Conscience: poor memory.

Cobra: bra worn by Siamese twins.

Compulsive Gambler: a guy who would rather lay a bet.

Condominium: a condom for midgets.

Contraceptive: a labor saving device to be worn on every conceivable occasion.

Conversation Piece: a girl who likes to talk in bed. ~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A: He heard that the referee was blowing fowls. ~~~~~~~~~

A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've been doing," the Pole said, "Shoving them up my ass?" ~~~~~~~~~

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."

The Mathematician says:
"Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again!" ~~~~~~~~~

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.

He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: " Three fucking years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"

~~~~~~~~~

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody will be able to appreciate how difficult it was. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between Curry Chicken and the Spice Girls?
You get ginger in Curry Chicken ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there was the cook who once got his finger caught in the dishwasher. They were both fired. ~~~~~~~~~

A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police force. The question asked, "If you were driving a police car, alone on a lonely road at night, and was being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" The young man answered without a second's thought: "Seventy!" ~~~~~~~~~

My boyfriend came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight". He was right, When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs- he couldn't get back in. ~~~~~~~~~

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. ~~~~~~~~~

"Chili's a lot like sex: When it's good it's great, and even when it's bad, it's not so bad." ~~~~~~~~~

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it." ~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window. ~~~~~~~~~

To my knowledge no one has created a cooperation pill to go along with Viagra. ~~~~~~~~~

A Texas Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!" ~~~~~~~~~

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house? Of these same men, 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves. ~~~~~~~~~

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our measures. But look what would really happen to our old cliches... ;-)

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers. ~~~~~~~~~

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..." ~~~~~~~~~

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again". So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie". "No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day". ~~~~~~~~~

Newt Gingrich is still thinking about running for president. He says he knows his approval ratings are low, but he thinks he could win if the political climate changes. "That would be quite a climate change. Like hell freezing over." (Jay Leno) ~~~~~~~~~

This little 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!" says the mom. Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. he's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. "Allright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!" So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore." ~~~~~~~~~

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

================================

A poll of lawyers in the United States shows that 50% think President Clinton lied about the nature of his relationship with Monica Lewinsky, while 42% believe he told the truth. "The other 8% tried to bill the time to answer the question." (Dennis Miller) ~~~~~~~~~

"Cable network TNT is producing a made-for-TV movie version of the '80s hit series 'ChiPs,' which will reunite original cast members Erik Estrada and Larry Wilcox in their roles as Ponch and Jon. Can you believe they were available?" (Dennis Miller) ~~~~~~~~~

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'? She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and have sex, and then you disappear." ~~~~~~~~~

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. ~~~~~~~~~

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. ~~~~~~~~~

One day, there were three political leaders on a plane. The first being President Clinton. While in the air Clinton said "We just flew over America because I touched the Empire State building" The following leader was Prime minister John Major and he said "We just flew over over England, as I touched the Big Ben." The last leader was the president of the Republic of South Africa, Nelson Mandela and he said "We just flew over South Africa" The others asked "Why did you touch Table mountain." Mandela replied "No, my watch got stolen." ~~~~~~~~~

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!" ~~~~~~~~~

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long she became pregnant and they didn't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work ? " she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What ?" asked the priest, "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child ", replied the doctor. "But that's impossible!", said the stunned priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle ! Here's your baby." Fifteen years has gone by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits with the boy and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. This is very difficult and I don't know where to start. Here goes.....I'm not your father." Puzzled the son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father." ~~~~~~~~~

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!" ~~~~~~~~~

Hi, my name is:
Art, I'm a museum curator.
Chuck, I'm a butcher.
Gene, I'm a DNA researcher.
Curt and Rod, we are in the drapery business.
Will, I’m a lawyer.
Sue. I’m also a lawyer.
Mary. I’m a justice of the peace.
Phillip, I’m a service station attendant.
Bill. I run a collection agency
Grant, I am a loan officer.
Mike. I’m an announcer
Toni. I’m a hair dresser.
Gail. I’m a meteorologist
John. I’m a plumber
Herb. I’m a cook.
Stu. I also cook.
Wade and I’m in swimming pool maintenance.
Rob. I’m a thief.
Rod. I sell guns.
Woody. A Forester.
Deric. I’m a petroleum engineer.
Les I’m a dietician
Harry. I’m a barber.
Nick. I was a barber but I’m looking for a new job.
Pete Moss. I sell ferilizer.
Iris. I’m an optometrist
Teddy I’m in lingerie
Josh. I’m a talk show host
Mark. I price items at the supermarket.
Matt. I’m a doorman.
Homer. I am a realter.
Carol. I sing during the holidays.
Clay. I make pottery.
Derek. I'm in the oil rig business.
Neal. I lead prayer groups.
Eileen. I make orthotics for people with one leg longer than the other.
Irene. I’m Chinese and also make orthotics.
Rusty. I undercoat cars.
Sly. I'm a detective.
Bea. I’m in the honey business..
Hugh. I’m a painter.
Jim I train boxers
Brigham I’m a chauffeur
Dean A college chancellor
Nat. I’m an entomologist.
Bud. I’m in flowers.
And I’m Rose. I’m a gardener. I work with Violet, Iris and Lily.
Clarence, I specialize in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.
Manuel, I write intruction books.
Boris. I lecture at the University.
They call me Pops. I sell soft drinks.
Jukes, Ruby and Pearl. We’re jewelers.
Marshall. I’m a peace officier.
Gil. I’m a fisherman.
Avery. I raise birds.
Cliff. I’m a mountaineer.
Sherry. I’m a wine-master.
Cary. I’m a porter.
Barry. I’m an undertaker.
Chevy and Mercedes. We are car dealers.
Abbie. I’m a Mother Superior.
Belle. I play the carillon.
Candy. I’m a confectioner.
Jack. I wanted to be a banker but ended up installing tires.
Dick. I’m a plain-clothes policeman.
Bet. I’m a coupier.
Sherry. I work in a vineyard.
Leo. A lion trainer.
Ham. I raise pigs
Otto. I’m a car mechanic.
Herald. I’m a messenger.
Sandy. I’m a lifeguard.
Guy. I install antennas.
Ray. I’m a roentgenologist.
Faith. I’m a minister.
Bart. I drive a bus.
Frank, the Hot-Dog vendor
Brandy. The bartender.
Holly, I’m a holiday decorator
Shelly, I’m an expert on mollusks
Rich, A successful investment banker.
Brooks. I’m an irrrigation consultant.
Tom and Tammy. We bred cats.
Chip. I’m a professional gambler when I’m not playing golf.
Lute. I’m a musician.
Tellie. A gossip columnist
Pat. I am a masseur
Rex. I own a junk yard.
Hortense. I’m a psychologist working with prostitutes.
Victor, and I’m a winner in everything I do. ~~~~~~~~~

Here are a few tips that you might like to pass along to your boss or manager.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00PM and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. ~~~~~~~~~

=============================

MEN'S 43 RULES FOR WOMEN
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

5. Shopping is not fascinating

6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.

7. Unless the answer is yes.

8. In which case, can he videotape it?

9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking arseholes.

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

15. He heard you the first time.

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.

17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.

19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

20. Dogs good. Cats bad.

21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".

23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

25. He was not looking at that other girl.

26. Well, okay... maybe a little.

27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...

29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.

30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

31. Your (select appropriate item): butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left the shower.

35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organised in this manner.

37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.

38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.

39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

40. Don't hog the covers.

41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that...

42. He does not just want to be friends.

43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"

=============================

Q: What's long, hard, and full of semen
A: a submarine ~~~~~~~~~

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed. The Italian says, "When I've a finsheda makina da love witha my girlfriend, I go down anda gently tickle the backa of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy." The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy." The Aussie says, "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof !!!" ~~~~~~~~~

Lots of friends want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is a friend who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~~~~~~~~~

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ______________ Stage name: ___________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: ____________________

Publicist _____________ Manicurist/hair stylist ___________

Sex: __ male __ female __ formerly male __formerly female __ both __

Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Panhandler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________

Please list:
Brand of cell phone: __________.
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue
Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the Net via your laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).
Please indicate if you drive a:
a) Beamer,
b) Lexus,
c) Mercedes, or
d)Ford Bronco
e) Toyota. If your answer is E, please add six to eight weeks to normal
delivery time for your driver's license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zantax;
e) Viagra.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.
When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
d) reload before coming to a complete stop. ~~~~~~~~~

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, and makes $55,555.55 a year. He strongly believes his lucky number is 5. One day he says, "What the hell?!" and he goes to the horsetrack. As luck would have it there was a horse named 'Lucky Number 5.' Of course, he bets $5,555.55 on horse 'Lucky Number 5.’ He goes up into the bleachers and sits in row number 5. 5 seconds later, the race starts. He says "Yes! I can't lose! 5 is my lucky number!" 'Lucky Number 5' comes in 5th. ~~~~~~~~~

What is the difference between NBA and pro wrestling? The wrestling interviews are entertaining, informative, and the grammar is much better.

================================

When doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital:

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.
The new wing didn't fly! ~~~~~~~~~

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend," his buddy said. "Oh yeah? What's the problem?" "I asked her if she could learn to love me," he replied, "and she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education." ~~~~~~~~~

A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking pretty bummed out. The bartender notices him and asks what's wrong. The man replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful but isn't sure how to confront her about it. The bartender replies, "Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what it is. If she say's its a dick, then that means she's lost her innocence and shyness which would indicate that she has been sleeping around. If she say's it's a pecker then that indicates that she is still shy and innocent." The man decides to give it a try and immediately goes home to summon his wife. As she enters the living room, our friend drops his pants, points to his member and asks her what it is. "Oh, that's a pecker," responds his wife. The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, "Whew, I was afraid you were going to call it a dick." His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right. A dick is twice that size!" ~~~~~~~~~

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..." "What do you mean?" his wife inquired. "Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father. ~~~~~~~~~

There was a woman doing her dishes, and as she looked out the window she spied her little boy buck naked and just ready to mount the neighbor girl. She ran outside and grabbed her son and brought him into the house while scolding him and telling him that, "You can't do that, she's got teeth in there and she'll bite IT off." Being as impressionable as little kids are, he went through his whole life believing what his mother had told him....So, to make a long story short...... It was his wedding night, and his bride had gotten herself all dolled up, and was laying on the bed and said, "Come on Honey, let's do it." To which the groom replied, "Oh no, my Mamma told me that you've got teeth in there and you'll bite IT off." So the bride lifted up her nightie, spread her legs, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and shoved his face in her crotch and said, "Look, do you see any teeth down there?" And the groom said, "NO, and no wonder, look what shape your gums are in!" ~~~~~~~~~

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck. "Where's Henry?" "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry." ~~~~~~~~~

"It's like I've always said, you can get more with a kind word and a 2 by 4 than a kind word." - Marcus Cole ~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~

The Ten Commandments of E-mail:

- Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

- Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

- Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

- Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

- Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

- Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

- Thou shalt not forward any chain letter (Am I guilty...?).

- Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

- Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

- When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, here's the "Golden Rule" of e-mail: - That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others. ~~~~~~~~~

A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

============================

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."

Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." ~~~~~~~~~

----------------------------------------- Signs Technology has taken over your life

-----------------------------------------

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers --- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression". Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face. ~~~~~~~~~