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King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect milady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" "Mmmphmp," said Sir Galahad. ~~~~~~~~~

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

~~~~~~~~~

Q: What has thick glasses and a wet nose?
A: A nearsighted gynecologist!

~~~~~~~~~

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to actually change it and three friends to brag to about how he screwed it.

~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles?
"Sparky"

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A man was allegedly killed Sunday in Manila for singing off-key. "In related news, Bob Dylan has postponed his concert tour to the Philippines." (Premiere Radio) ~~~~~~~~~

Dennis Miller mentioned that Monica Lewinsky had contacted Johnnie Cochran to see if he would be interested in representing her in the legal proceedings which we're all so aware of. He reportedly told her, "It's not really my area, but make sure you call me if you stab somebody." ~~~~~~~~~

Q) Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A) She's withholding evidence! ~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A: Two points, just like anyone else. ~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is another term for lesbian?
A: Vagitarian ~~~~~~~~~

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
~~~~~~~~~

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. ~~~~~~~~~

What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ! ~~~~~~~~~

Everyone talks about apathy,... but no one does anything about it. ~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do oral sex and lobster thermidor have in common?
A. You can't get either at home. ~~~~~~~~~

This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him. The married guy replied, "Great except for one problem, our sex life. Everytime I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time."
The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple solution to that. the next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason that makes women get off." Even though it was against his better judgement, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways. About 3 months later, by chance they met up again, and of course the guy is eager to find out what had happened. He replied, "Hey, is everything better on the home front?" The married man replied, "Not exactly!!! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face, and almost bit my dick off!" ~~~~~~~~~

I remember this one young girl I was attracted to wouldn't even give me a second glance. Finally one day I told her, "You know, your heart is harder than steel. Nothing seems to soften it."
"Try diamonds !" she said, and kept on walking. ~~~~~~~~~

The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically.
He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!!!" The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired"
The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest!!! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor.
He says to the driver, "What is , or should I say was in this bottle? The driver answers "Water"!!!. The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!!!"""
The driver looks up to the heavens and says "OH LORD YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN" ~~~~~~~~~

A cub reporter covered a story about an attack on a woman by an escapee from a mental asylum. He returned with the story and a headline of "Woman raped, Mental patient escapes".
The editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees".
The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline like that, go back and try again.
Much later he came back with "Nut Screws and Bolts". ~~~~~~~~~

Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?" Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?" ~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving. ~~~~~~~~~

Q. What does Hillary do when she's done shaving her pussy?
A. Puts a tie on him and sends him to work. ~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Rapoport and Mrs. Schwartz were sitting around the lunchroom table at the senior citizens high rise. "So, Mrs. Rapoport. What's new?" "Vell" said Mrs. Rapoport, "Last night I vent out vith Mr. Stein, and he vas such a gentleman. Vhy, ven he came to the door to pick me up, he brought roses. Then ven ve vent out to eat, such a gentleman. He ordered lobster vith all zee trimmings. Ven ve vent home, he held zee door for me, but ven ve got into mine house, he ripped off all my clothes, dragged me to the bedroom and had his vay vith me..." "Oh, my goodness!" said Mrs. Stein. "Why, I have a date with him tonight! What do you think I should do?" "Vell, if I vere you, I vould vear old clothes..." ~~~~~~~~~

A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to "guard" them! In fact, she stationed the guy right inside the closet!" ~~~~~~~~~

Women want everything from just one guy. On the other hand ....guys want just one thing from every woman. ~~~~~~~~~

Today's Bumper Sticker Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole. ~~~~~~~~~

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself. "Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly, too!" ~~~~~~~~~

I once had dinner in a German-Chinese restaurant. The food was delicious, but an hour later, I was hungry for power. ~~~~~~~~~

An Italian and his wife emigrated to America and became citizens. Returning home from the ceremony, he said, "Well Maria, we're American citizens now." The wife tied an apron around him and said, "Great ! Now YOU wash the dishes." ~~~~~~~~~

* DOGGY DICTIONARY **
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return ~~~~~~~~~

Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?"
Second guy says "Sure."
"OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees"
Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours. "There," says the first one, "...does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?"
"Yes!"
The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!" ~~~~~~~~~

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" " 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently. ~~~~~~~~~

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle. He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars. "Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells. He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys. First, they beat the shit out of him, then they tar and feather him. They take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off. It turns out they are the Genies. The first Genie turns to the second and says, "You know, I can understand his first two wishes, but why would he want to be hung like a black man?" ~~~~~~~~~

The Christian church has just launched its new low fat wafer (or host). It's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus" ~~~~~~~~~

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm ~~~~~~~~~

A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start a family, but they didn't know what they had to do to have children. So they decided to visit a doctor. With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor. The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result. Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the examination table, removed all her clothing, and had intercourse with her. He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, "Now do you understand?" "Yes, doctor," the hillbilly responded, "but just one question." Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor squawked, "Yes, what is it now?" "How often do I have to bring her in?" ~~~~~~~~~

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today." ~~~~~~~~~

I said to my wife, "You never tell me when you're having an orgasm." My wife replied, "You're never home!" Loretta lowered her lashes and whispered, "Kiss me goodnight." So Bob kissed her on the navel. "Why did you do it there?" she asked with surprise. "Oh," he answered, "I wanted to see what you'd open first—Your eyes or your legs ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think they know everything. If they only knew how much they bug those of us who really do. ~~~~~~~~~

An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. She exclaimed, "Oh ! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." "You didn't !" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry. ~~~~~~~~~

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese ~~~~~~~~~

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry." ~~~~~~~~~

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was adroit at counting money and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" asked the manager.
"Yim Yohnston," he replied. ~~~~~~~~~

Banned Childrens Books
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets

Egghead - And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty

The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes

Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.

The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.

The Tickling Babysitter.

Babar Meets the Taxidermist.

Controlling the playground:
Respect through Fear.

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.

Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's Purse.

The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.

Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.

The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead. ~~~~~~~~~

A gay masochist is a sucker for punishment. ~~~~~~~~~

Watching his date from the corner of his eye while he poured her a drink, the young bachelor said, "Say when." She replied, "Right after that drink." ~~~~~~~~~

The doctor entered the waiting room. "I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas." "Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss." "The doctor said, "I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas." ~~~~~~~~~

A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs. He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room. When they're done, he said, "I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good." The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that hot either." ~~~~~~~~~

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is." ~~~~~~~~~

Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever
Dumbest dog: Afghan ~~~~~~~~~

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are ? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that ? "I would love to." replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough." ~~~~~~~~~

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how insurmountable, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you.
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other can there be greater than this one ?'

=========================

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week ~~~~~~~~~

How many Sicilians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to kill the witnesses. ~~~~~~~~~

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a whisky. 'That will be six dollars', says the bemused barman. 'We don't get many kangaroos in here'. The kangaroo replies: 'At six dollars a drink, it's no wonder'. ~~~~~~~~~

* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? ~~~~~~~~~

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. ~~~~~~~~~

Q. What kind of a doctor fixes a broken website?
A URLologist. ~~~~~~~~~

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
50
Why?
You got a problem with that, buddy? ~~~~~~~~~

For Immediate release to all Microsoft customers.
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs. Other features: Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
tiperiter...........A word processor
colerin book.......a graphics program
addin mershene......calculator
outhouse paper .....notepad
jupe-box ...........CD Player
iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
pichers.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog............American kennel club records
fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA.................National Rifle Association
shot gun ...........Remington Arms price list
riffel..............Winchester price list
pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
truck...............Ford &Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
house...............Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
car ................same as truck just need two list in Alabama
cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records.........usually an empty file
shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud.................list of Budweiser dealers by zip code rasin...............NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc ................veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. ~~~~~~~~~

Children's Books You Will Never See:

"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Where's Godot?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad" ~~~~~~~~~

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal adds
FIRST THE WOMEN 40-ish.................. 48

Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic................ Flat-chested

Average looking......... Ugly

Beautiful............... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin

Educated................ College dropout

Emotionally Secure...... Medicated

Feminist................ Fat; ball buster

Free spirit............. Substance user

Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun..................... Annoying

Gentle.................. Comatose

Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

New-Age................. All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing................ Loud

Passionate.............. Loud

Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic

Professional............ Real Witch

Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat

Romantic................ Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous.............. Very Fat

Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking

Widow................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking............ Arrogant

Honest.................. Pathological Liar

Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature.................. Until you get to know him

Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother. on Easter Sunday

Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer ~~~~~~~~~

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed to be cleaned.. because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. I, pleasantly surprised by his candor, asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met ~~~~~~~~~

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house on his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I'm am," said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "the black one." "No no no, get the brown one," the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken," said the farmer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knows just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "what was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your testicles?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

=============================

DICTIONARY, n. The only place where: (a) divorce comes before marriage, and (b) success comes before work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________
GANG NAME______________
1. Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked? ~~~~~~~~~

Deep Thoughts -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

ø If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

ø I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

ø To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

ø If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

ø I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

ø If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

ø To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

ø Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

ø Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

ø I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

ø I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

ø If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

ø It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

ø Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

ø If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

ø When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

ø I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

ø If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and he guy was reading a magazine.

ø If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

ø Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

ø If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

ø One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

ø For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

ø Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

ø I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

ø If by some occurrence you find yourself falling of the CN Tower, Just let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they may try to catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!"

ø Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It has more feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak!

ø If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up behind his back and say..."Now look who's asking the Questions!"

ø The funny thing about a person driving off a cliff is that they probably have their foot on the break. Hey, why not try the emergency brake? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. ~~~~~~~~~

McDonalds have just announced the Louise Woodward meal. All kids under 5 get a free shake. ~~~~~~~~~

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget. ~~~~~~~~~

A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of gonareah, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"
"My gosh, doctor! What are you going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door." ~~~~~~~~~

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of being with a black man. One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome black man who appeared to be great, so she figured, what the crap, she'd go for it. So Mary asked the fellow to come home with her.
When the two got to Mary's apartment, Mary told the black about her fantasy, and asked if he would be a part of it.
Well, the black man, agreed, so the two headed for Mary's bedroom. Mary said, "OK, first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!" So the black guy did so.
By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up at the black guy and said, "Now, big boy, do what you do best!"
So the black guy took up her VCR and left. ~~~~~~~~~

I intend to live forever - so far, so good ~~~~~~~~~

A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to Miami Beach. She looks at the man sitting next to her and remarks to him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?" The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish." After a little while she again queries him, "Are you Jewish?" Again he responds, "No ma'am, I am not Jewish." Well, don't you know it, after another 10 minutes, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?" To which in exasperation, and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies vociferously, "Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish." "funny," she states....."you don't look Jewish!" ~~~~~~~~~

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." ~~~~~~~~~

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!" ~~~~~~~~~

The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. "My Mother likes this outfit --may I exchange it ?" ~~~~~~~~~

"Will I be the first to do this to you ?" whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex. "What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet." ~~~~~~~~~

The attractive Yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was talking to one of the wives over drinks. "I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object." The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising darling considering the number of times you've been inoculated." ~~~~~~~~~

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon." ~~~~~~~~~

BUMPER STICKER
Join The Army: Visit Exotic Places, Meet Interesting People And Then Kill Them ~~~~~~~~~

Intelligence test
Of the following items which one does not belong to the group and why?
Man
Woman
Sex
Drums
Sex - you can beat Man, you can beat Woman, and you can certainly beat Drums, but you can never beat sex ! ~~~~~~~~~

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy ~~~~~~~~~

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy ?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !" ~~~~~~~~~

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

==============================

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try. ~~~~~~~~~

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my dick is too small." He says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" He replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow". Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!" ~~~~~~~~~

"Windows98"
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that * "98" is a higher number than "95," * a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).

Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed permanently.

Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c). ~~~~~~~~~

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal. ~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common?
A: Nothing... yet. ~~~~~~~~~

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his." ~~~~~~~~~

A couple was having trouble conceiving a child. They went to the doctor and he told them that the problem was one of sufficient penetration. He told the man to do it doggie fashion. The man said, "What is that?" The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do." The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that." The doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two and she will lose all inhibition." Some while later the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said. "Yes it did Doc, but the problem is...my wife is now an alcoholic!" "How did that happen?" the doctor asked. "Well, every time we did it...it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front yard." ~~~~~~~~~

If Pakistan and India get in a nuclear war, they all believe in reincarnation, so where's the risks? ~~~~~~~~~

A rancher in Argentina, way before the existence of Viagra, had a prize Charolais bull that stopped performing. The rancher when to a local veterinarian, who gave him some pills to give to the bull. Results were astonishing: the bull pursued and mounted every receptive cow he could find, and several times a day. After four months, the bull again stopped breeding. Since the old veterinarian had moved away, the rancher went to a new vet. He tried to describe the pills, but could not remember the brand. "Can you remember anything at all about those pills?", asked the vet. "No," replied the rancher, "but they did taste like almonds...." ~~~~~~~~~

If a bra is an upper topper flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet paper is a super dooper pooper scooper; What do you call a punch drunk Japanese fighter with a father that has diarrhea? A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy! ~~~~~~~~~

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it - were closed. ~~~~~~~~~

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scorpio
Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught. Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.

Sagittarius
Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases. Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.

Capricorn
Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long. With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.

Aquarius
Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign, and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.

Pisces
Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.

Aries
Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.

Taurus
Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale. Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.

Gemini
Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.

Cancer
Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history known a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections. Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for a Cancer condom.

Leo
Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.

Virgo
Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clean. Virgos tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloweration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.

Libra
Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.