Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
When there were two types of sneakers for boys.
When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When nearly everyone's parents smoked.
When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done, every day.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed-- and did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~ Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
~~~~ Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
~~~~ The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
~~~~ There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
~~~~ The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
~~~~ A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
~~~~ There are more chickens than people in the world.
~~~~ Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
~~~~ The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
~~~~ On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
~~~~ All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
~~~~ No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
~~~~ "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
~~~~ All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.(yup, they are)
~~~~ Almonds are members of the peach family.
~~~~ Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
~~~~ Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
~~~~ There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
~~~~ Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
~~~~ A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
~~~~ An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
~~~~ Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
~~~~ In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
~~~~ Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
~~~~ The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
~~~~ When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
~~~~ The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
~~~~ A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours
~~~~A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
~~~~A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
~~~~ On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.(found the owl, not the spider)
~~~~ It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
~~~~ The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
~~~~ Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
~~~~ In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
~~~~ The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
~~~~ The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
~~~~ Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
~~~~ John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
~~~~ The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
~~~~ There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
~~~~ 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, "Hey, want to hear a good Pollock joke?" The bartender says, "Tell you what.... I'm Polish. See those two big guys playing pool? They're Polish. See those other two guys sitting at the end of the bar? They're Polish. You still want to tell your "Pollock" joke?"
The man replies, "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fucking times."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good Lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to assuage most of the passengers, who sat back down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to his back.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and the Quasimodo were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Quasimodo and Tom Thumb."I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Quasimodo." "I am the ugliest person in the world," announced Quasimodo. "No, you aren't," replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world. Merlin says so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees." In goes Quasimodo and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Janet Reno?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This bloke decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts: "Themed party - come as a human emotion".
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body-stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two Jamaican guys, stark-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and other with is penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like, you could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend here has come in despair."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help.
He extoled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can`t find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied "The condom made of lamb`s intestine has a more natural feel."
I said "Not to us city boys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?" She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near- whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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30. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON: A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
attributed to "Texas Bix Bender"
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and a woman met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when the woman awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing. She said, "Where are you going?" He said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day; I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me." She nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either...I'm a hooker." The man said, "That's nothing. Don't worry about that. It's easily corrected. You just hold the golf club like this....."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The pompous corporate executive concluded his talk. "Does anyone have any questions?"
"Yes sir. To what do you attribute your success?"
"There are two rules for success in any organization. Rule Number
1: Never tell people everything you know. Are there any more questions?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
Nothing, yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess, the husband says I will love you no matter what it is, tell me so the wife tells him that she flat chested. The husband says I can deal with that he takes off her shirt and says boy! you are small, but I love you anyway. The husband says that he has something to confess also. She says no matter what I will still love you. He says okay I am built like a baby down there. She says I can deal with that. So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! So he is fanning her and she finally gets up. She says I thought you said you were built like a baby? He says yeah....7lbs- 21inches
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday morning Bill burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Sue.
After dinner, Bill's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Sue is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Bill was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Bill. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Bill was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy and his girlfriend were going to it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf.
The cop said that he wouldn't run him in if he could be next. The guy got back in and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy said "I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me... It's because I've never fucked a cop before!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The vicar was walking down the river bank one day, when he saw Frank, about to go fishing in his boat.
"Fancy coming Fishing Vicar ?" called Frank.
"Can't today; I've got the Arch Bishop coming to lunch." said the Vicar.
"Oh go on, just for an hour"
"Oh, alright then, but just for a short while"
The Vicar and Frank push off into the river and start fishing. They had little luck until suddenly, Frank had a massive bite.
He spent the next hour fighting to get a huge fish aboard the boat, finally suceeding
"Look at the size of that Fucker!" said Frank.
"Frank, it really is a prize specimen, but the use of such language is unforgivable!" said the Vicar
"No, no, you don't understand, the fish is actually called a fucker" replied Frank, thinking fast.
"Why don't you take it home for the Arch Bishop's lunch ?"
"Thank you very much, I'll do that. I'll clean the fish, and head home right away!" said the vicar, and proceeded to clean the fucker up.
Back at the Vicarage, "Look at the size of this fucker!" said the Vicar to Sue, his wife.
"Well really Vicar, a fine fish it is, but I can't believe you would use such language in the Vicarage!"
The vicar explained, and slightly happier, Sue dissappeared to the Kitchen to cook the fish.
Later, the Arch Bishop arrives, and he and the Vicar sit down to lunch.
In comes Sue with the cooked fish and says, "Look at the size of this fucker, Arch Bishop!"
"Frank caught the fucker, vicar cleaned the fucker up and I cooked the fucker for your lunch!"
The Arch Bishop, looking suddenly more relaxed, takes of his shoes, puts up his feet, and starts to roll a joint.
"You know," he said, "you cunts are alright."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cabdriver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.
When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. The panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.
The man slid $20 in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice. "Again?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Zen Master goes up to the hot dog cart and says," Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. And the vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights".
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!".
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up".
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!".
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
===========================
Colleen, a healthy, attractive mother of three, aged 30, went to the doctor for her annual check-up. Later that evening, as she and her husband Tammas were undressing for bed, she stood in front of the mirror and admired her naked body. Tammas was in a bit of a temper that evening and groused at her, "And just what are you starin' at, ye vain hussy?" Colleen tossed her head and replied, "That handsome, young Dr. McGillicuddy says I have the breasts of a 19-year-old girl!" Tammas grew red in the face and shouted, "And did he say anything about your 30-year-old Irish ass?" His wife paused for a moment and then replied coolly, "Why no, he never mentioned yer name at all!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Russian President M. Gorbachev called U.S. President B. Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian Leader cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "
"Mikhael, the American people would be happy to do anything with in their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Gorbachev. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?"
"Yes?" said Clinton.
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Bill hung up and called the President of Trojan.
"I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "write 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This woman was such a fan of the Beatles that she decided to have a tattoo of John Lennon put on the inside of her left thigh, and a tattoo of Paul McCarthy tattood on the inside of her right side. After the tattoo artist was finished, he wrapped her thighs in bandages since they were quite sore and had to heal. He admonished her to keep the bandages on for a week, and then she could take them off. He guaranteed her that she would be very pleased with his work.
A week goes by and she finally uncovers the tattoos. She was horrified at the work and thought that neither of the tattoos looked like John Lennon or Paul McCarthy. She went back to the tattoo parlor to complain. She was giving the artist a "what for" and she couldn't be calmed down. Finally, the tattoo artist said, "Wait lady. Don't take my word for it, let's get the opinion of an unbiased 3rd party". She agreed to do just that.
Just then a drunk came stumbling down the street and was passing the tattoo parlor door. The artist grabbed him and brought him inside the shop, showed him the tattoo on the lady's left thigh and asked if it looked like John Lennon. The drunk shrugged and said "I don't know". The artist asked him if he thought the tattoo on the inside of the lady's right thigh looked like Paul McCarthy.
The drunk again replied "I don't know, but the guy in the middle with the beard and the bad breath HAS to be Willie Nelson!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a
brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow,
"I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I go, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and crying, ... like his passengers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***********************************************
Top Ten Double Entendres For Lawyers...
***********************************************
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $400 an hour, she better be good.
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number one answer is:
1. Think you can get me off?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may spend too much time online if...
You walk in the house from the mailbox saying, "You've Got Mail!"
You name your 2 newborn twins, "John623" and "Mary212".
You rarely speak; you communicate primarily by "Instant Messages" or "ICQ's".
You turn your head sideways when you smile and wink.
Instead of laughing, you say the letters "L" "O" "L".
Your hours spent online per day exceed your hours of sleep at night.
You haven't had "real" sex in months, but you sure have devoloped a severe case of carpel tunnel syndrome!
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You spend much of your free time rolling around on the floor, laughing your ass off.
You fall in love within 5 minutes.
You have more than one e-mail alias.
You've grown a full beard, but you're a woman.
You actually read your spam (junk) e-mail, and reply to it.
Every time you go outside you ask if there's a solar eclipse.
You haven't read a newspaper or watched the news on TV in 6 months, you get all your worldly news via fwd: e-mails.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TOP 18 SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN FOR YOUR CHILD'S PARTY:
18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
17. Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.
16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
11. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
10. Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the joint."
9. Not exactly the PeeWee Herman impression you were expecting!
8. Wears a t-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the national deficit.
5. A sad clown is one thing--a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
3. Business cards include the phrase, "From the Mind of Stephen King...."
2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
And the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party:
1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
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At a breakfast table, there were a British couple, an American couple and an Australian couple.
The British husband, who liked to use puns, said to his wife, "Can you pass the honey, Honey?"
Not wanting to lose out, the American husband turned and said to his wife, "Do you mind passing the sugar, Sugar?"
The Australian husband did not want to lose out either but he could not think how else he could emulate the other 2 husbands.... Finally, he spoke to his wife, "Pass me the bacon, you Pig!!"
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A woman's 4 Favorite Animals
1. A Mink: to provide a beautiful coat
2. A Jaguar: to reside in her garage
3. A Tiger: to keep her happy in the bedroom
4. A Jackass: to pay for all the above
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The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying...........
"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge said, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk said, "Okay, let's get started!"
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George Carlin Ponderables...
Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man your planning to kill, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently just to piss him off.
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A new department store announced that it was going to give out free TVs to the first 100 people who came to the store on it's grand opening day. The store was scheduled to open at 9:00am, but people were already camped out in front of the store by 6:00am, determined to receive their free TV.
When it was almost 9:00, a little old man walked up to the front of the line, and casually stepped in front of the first man in line, a big, burly man who had been there since 6:00 and wasn't about to let this old guy cut in front of him, so he pushed the old man out of his way with all of his might! The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked in front of the big burly man a second time. Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he got up, dusted himself off again, and stepped between the big, burly man and the door a third time! This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the noise and rushed over to hear what the fight was about.
"Well," said the big burly man, "I was here at the front of the line since early this morning and this old man had the nerve to just push in front of me to the head of the line!"
When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man replied "What that man said is correct. I did push in front of him several times-and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm not going to open the store!"
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A man has a terrible accident and has to undergo surgery. When he awakens, the surgeon says, "I have bad news and good news for you."
"What's the bad news?"
"We had to amputate both of your legs."
"And the good news?"
"The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."
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a real oldie but a goodie...
Husband takes his wife to the doctors as he is very worried about her health. Husband says to doctor - I'm most concerned about my wife, she appears to be very sick.
Doctor says - What is wrong with her?
Husband says - I'm not sure.
Doctor says - Well let me examine her and I will give you my diagnosis.
Ten minutes later doctor comes out and says - Well I'm afraid you are right, your wife is very ill.
Husband says - What is wrong with her?
Doctor says - Well it is one of two things. She either has Alzheimers or Aids.
Husband is horrified and says - Oh no, what can I do about it?
Doctor says - Well take her out in your car and dump her two miles from your house and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her.
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( Q: Why do dogs lick themselves?
A: Because they can't form a fist.
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The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession & was considering the man's penitence. "Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin ?" "Yes Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man. "I here-by resolve to double my efforts." "And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son ?" the Priest went on. "Yes Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall both worship and confess every week." "And how about your debts and those you have cheated ?" inquired the Priest. "Now just a minute Father." said the man. "Now you're talking business and not religion."
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This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes, and as luck would have it, he pulled up to a stoplight next to a guy with the same car. They eyed each other and the other guy said, "You got a phone in yours?"
"Yes, I've got a phone!"
"You got a TV?"
"Yes, I've got a TV!"
"You got a bed in yours?"
"A bed?
No," (dejectedly).
The light changed and they took off. This got to working on the guy. He thought he had everything. So, he turns around and drives straight to the dealership and tells them he wants a bed put in. They tell him that Mercedes don't come with beds, but the man was adamant and demanded a bed be installed. Finally, they said they'd figure out a way.
The guy picks up his car and for the next two weeks drives all over L.A. looking for that guy to show him that he had a bed, too. He finally spots the car in a parking lot and pulls in beside it. He gets out and knocks on the window. No answer. He knocks again. No answer. He starts to walk away when the window rolls slowly down a bit and the guy growls, "What do you want?" He says, "I got a bed in my car!" The guy replies, "You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
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Q: What is so special about the new Monica Lewinski Commemorative Postage Stamp?
A: This stamp licks you!
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Some years ago the Bureau of Biological Survey ran the Bird Banding Lab, a version of which is still active today. Bands back then, similar to those currently in use, were printed with a number plus an abbreviated address indicating that the band was to be returned to the Washington Biological Survey (Wash.Biol.Surv.).
Upon finding one of the bands, an Arkansas farmer returned the band to the bureau with the following letter:
"Dear Sirs: I shot one of your crows the other day. My wife followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you that bird tasted just horrible."
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Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny's favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humourous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says,
"Little boy are you the front end of an ass?"
"No" replies little Johnny
"Are you the rear end of an ass?"
"No"' replies little Johnny again.
"In that case," says the clown, "You must be no end of an ass."
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears.
When his mum catches up with him she says, "Little Johnny, don't worry. Your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out."
At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?"
Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice, "Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!"
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Two lawyers approached a sidewalk banana vendor.
-How much ? the lawyers asked.
-Three for a dollar, the banana seller replied.
-We need two. How much ?
-Three for a dollar. Fixed rate.
-But we just need two.
-Three for a dollar. Fixed rate, guys.
One lawyer turned to the other and said,
"Okay, let's take three. We'll eat one."
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In the Garden of Eden, Adam had just met Eve and they got talking about sex. Eve was curious about what Adam did to have sex - after all, she was the first woman on earth. So Adam took her by the hand and led her to a nearby tree and showed her a hole in the tree trunk, just about the right height for Adam to thrust his desires away.
Smiling, Eve said "Well now you don't have to have sex with the tree because I've got a hole too so why don't you put it in me?"
She lay down on her back and opened her legs as wide as they would go. Adam, looking forward to this impending moment of passion, took several steps back.
"Come on, big boy!" said Eve.
Adam ran towards Eve and..... KICKED her between the legs as hard as he could!
Eve : "What was that for????" asked Eve
Adam: "Oh, just checking for squirrels......"
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Q: What's the difference between Great Britain and the U.S.?
A: When you meet the ruler of Great Britain, you only have to go down on one knee!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat. "then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
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Andrew was walking down the main street of a well known inner citysuburb. As he walked past the delicatessen, he glanced into the shop window.
There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw- World's largest (commercially available) Sausage". Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage he had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and three feet long.
"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage" he thought, "Oh well, I'll try anything once". So he walked in to the shop, heaved the 50 lb. monster down off the hook and, thunking itdown on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.
"Hey what are you doing!!??" cried Andrew in dismay, "Do you think my ass is a coin-slot???!"
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Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
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A gay woman goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyncompletes the physical s/he says, "You can get dressed now-- your test results will be back in a few days, but stop bymy office and I'll review the exam I just gave you."
When the patient gets to the office, the MD says, "Well, you seemto be in perfect health--I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."
The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason forthat--you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week."
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A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautifulgiraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together. The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and thescrewing I must have run 10 miles!"
========================
My younger sister was having one of her first gynolcological appointments and she had some questions for the doctor.
"Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, They would kill me but my boyfriend wants to have anal sex. I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it. Can I get pregnant?"
The kindly old doctor smiled whimsically and replied "Of course, you can my dear. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home . "First the flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
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Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why does the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Lipstick
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Yuppettes were discussing the morals of their generation. The one said, "There's just so much permissiveness these days, I guess the only way to avoid sex at all is to get married."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A moron takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The moron responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.
"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."
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Myron, a young Jewish boy, was away from home for the first time in his life. He calls his mother from college with great news!
"Mom, this is Myron."
"How are you Myron?"
"Mom, I'm in Love."
"Oh Myron, your father, Abbie and I have been in love these many years. I'm happy for you."
"Mom, I think we are going to be married."
"Oh Myron, 19 years your father and I have been married. You will be so happy."
"Mom, she is a gentile."
"OH MYRON, DON'T MARRY A GENTILE! One day you will have a big fight and she will poke you with her finger and say 'JEW, JEW, JEW."
"That's OK mom, I'll poke her right back and say: NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER!"
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Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!"
The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?"
"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"
Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me in?"
"You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this afternoon, too."
After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"
Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"
"Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"
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A DOCTOR'S PHONE RANG AT HOME AT THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. SLEEPILY HE ANSWERED "HELLO" . A VERY FRANTIC WOMAN SAID, " DOCTOR, OUR BABY JUST SWALLOWED A CONDOM". THE DOCTOR SAID, " TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL AND I'LL MEET YOU JUST AS SOON AS I CAN GET THERE." HE STARTED PUTTING ON HIS CLOTHES AND WAS JUST READY TO WALK OUT THE DOOR WHEN THE PHONE RANG AGAIN. HE ANSWERED "HELLO". A VERY CALM VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID, "THAT'S ALRIGHT DOCTOR, WE FOUND ANOTHER ONE."
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Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe. It's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: e-mail.
That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?
Here is an e-mail rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name), I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:
(men will check those that apply)
_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.
______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
______My breasts are bigger than yours.
______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importanceto me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriat______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Your name)
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company:" LOL!!
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? (no offense k? )
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from:"
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This is a copy of an actual letter Sony received soon after running a competition.
Dear Sir, God bless you for the beautiful radio your Company donated as a prize at our recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I was the lucky one to win it.
I am 86 years old and live at the Country home for the aged. All my people have gone and it was nice to have someone think of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My room mate is 95 and has always had her own radio but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into lots of pieces. It was just awful. She asked me if she could listen to my new radio and I told her to get fucked. Sincerely, Elsa McEvoy
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The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.
One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.
Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."
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These sound like Stephen Wright quotes to me but no creditwas given on the source I received them. If I knew they were his, I surely would have given credit as he is a super humorist. They sure are funny though.. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled spot remover on my dog....now he's gone.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
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Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course! ~~~
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An artist went to the gallery that represented him. The owner said, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"What's the good news?"
"A man came in earlier today and asked me if your paintings would go up in price if you were dead. I told him that they would, so he bought all I had."
"What's the bad news?"
"He was your doctor."
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A man was driving around in his car when he came across the farm. Near the road there was a very fancy pig pen butthe pig was missing one of its legs.
The man was curious so he went to ask the farmer.
"Why is your pig in a very fancy pig pen but is missing a leg?" ask the man.
"Well you see he saved my boy when he was trapped in the well.," replied the farmer.
The man still a bit confused says, "That explains the fancy pen but what about his leg?"
"You don't Understand. He dragged my wife out of our house when it caught on fire," answered the farmer.
"I still don't get why the pig is missing a leg."
"You just don't get it do you? You just don't eat a pig like that all at one time."
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Software engineer glossary of Product Terminology OR... The world of computer terms as seen by the marketing department.
ALL NEW...................Software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN...........Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH..............It finally booted on the first try.
NEW.......................Different colors from previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY.........Developed on a shoe string budget.
EXCLUSIVE.................We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED..............Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION.......All parameters are hard-coded.
FUTURISTIC................It will only run on the next generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY.............All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST.........Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE..........Impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS...It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN........Works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY.............Disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED...We'll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM................We shipped it once before and we can do it again.
UNMATCHED.................Almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE. Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT......Finally got one to work.
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Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet contest.
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk kegger.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns."
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
3. Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite ass.
1. Churn butter naked.
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An interesting constitutional question: If Bill Clinton resigns and Al Gore becomes President, can Hillary still run the country?
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Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
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There was this family of a father, brother, and sister. The father and daughter were sitting at the table and the daughter was begging her father that she just had to borrow the truck for the dance that evening she would do anything just anything to borrow the truck. After several minutes of this the father replied. "Ok Ok but you will have to give me a blowjob." The daughter , really wanting to borrow the truck agreed. So she started to do her deed. Then she looked up and said "Daddy this taste like shit." He replied "yeah, I know, your brother needed the truck yesterday."
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A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
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Q - Why does a dog lick his balls?
A - Because he can......
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PADDY WANTED TO BE AN ACCOUNTANT SO HE WENT FOR AN APTITUDE TEST :
TESTER : IF I GIVE YOU TWO RABBITS AND TWO RABBITS AND ANOTHER TWO RABBITS, HOW MANY RABBITS HAVE YOU GOT?
PADDY : SEVEN!
TESTER : NO, LISTEN CAREFULLY AGAIN. IF I GIVE YOU TWO RABBITS AND TWO RABBITS AND ANOTHER TWO RABBITS, HOW MANY RABBITS HAVE YOU GOT?
PADDY : SEVEN!
TESTER : LET'S TRY THIS ANOTHER WAY. IF I GIVE YOU TWO BOTTLES OF BEER AND TWO BOTTLES OF BEER AND ANOTHER TWO BOTTLES OF BEER, HOW MANY BOTTLES OF BEER HAVE YOU GOT?
PADDY : SIX.
TESTER : GOOD. NOW IF I GIVE YOU TWO RABBITS AND TWO RABBITS AND ANOTHER TWO RABBITS, HOW MANY RABBITS HAVE YOU GOT?
PADDY : SEVEN!
TESTER : HOW ON EARTH DO YOU WORK OUT THAT THREE LOTS OF TWO RABBITS IS SEVEN?
PADDY : I'VE ALREADY GOT ONE RABBIT AT HOME NOW!
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With all the attorney bashing going on out there, I thought you wouldindulge me with one of my favorite attorney collages.....
Rules for Attorney Hunting Season...
1.) Any person with a valid State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2.) The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3.) The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car wash.
4.) It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft.
5.) It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
6.) It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
7.) It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
8.) If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt.
9.) Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases.
10.) It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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Two old men were out for their morning walk.
The first old man stepped on something soft.
He stooped over and picked it up. It was a frog.
He dusted the dirt off the frog and started to put it down. The Frog said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful young woman."
The old man put the frog in his pocket and started to walk again.
The second old man said, "Aren't you going to kiss that Frog." The first old man replied, "I would rather have a talking Frog."
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The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Life is sexually transmitted.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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There are 3 kinds of people: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
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Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. (you guys really do this?)
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
.. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
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A sex researcher called one of the participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy. "In response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, " you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several times per night.' "That's right," the man said, "And that's the way its going to fucking stay until that second mortgage is paid off!"
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You Know You're From West Virgina When...
Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and
nobody noticed.
You can get dog hair from your belly button.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your
wife.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it
in prison.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
your sister's honor.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You got Clapper devices controling the appliances in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it
look nice.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas
dinner.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
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Results of the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which readers were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton's special commission to study the moral and practical effects of cloning:
Are the pope and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree about something?
Can you clone Alan Greenspan, or does it have to be LIVING tissue?
If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we could all look forward to?
If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?
If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict?
If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out?
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry IV part II?
If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child?
Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"?
Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?
Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-sized person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal.
Would it work if I binged and my clone purged?
Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg?
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Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because, most men are stupid, but few are blind.
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Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Alden was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."
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A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst o fsome pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
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"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.
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Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
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Q: What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday and tells you to fuck off.
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TODAY'S QUOTE:
"Look around the table. If you don't see a sucker, get up and leave, because you are the sucker." " Amarillo Slim
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There was a young lad name of Durkin,
who was always jerkin his gherkin
his father said Durkin
stop jerkin your gherkin
your gherkin's for ferkin not jerkin!
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One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"
The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the building fund...."
To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
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Always remember -- the only man who ever got all his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
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There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night.
They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whore house and gather experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whore house, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.
The white guy energetically does the business and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " | " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and bonks the prostitute again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another ``|'' on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"
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A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
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Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York. The owner had a big heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries.
One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish. The customer was so impressed, he found the owner.
"I'm very impressed with your waiter, but where'd he learn Yiddish?" he asked the owner.
"Shhh" the owner replied. "He thinks I'm teaching him English!"
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One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
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A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
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Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because
they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who
purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked
the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you
win free sex."
I guess 7," said the Kentuckian.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get
gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the
attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10.
If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Two," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the
attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the one Kentuckian said to the other,
"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."
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A man walks into a drugstore and says to the girl "A packet of three condoms, Miss!"
The girl, annoyed with his attitude, says, "DON'T YOU 'MISS' ME, YOUNG MAN!!"
"OK," says the man, "give me a pack of four!"
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Impotency Drug Raises a Few Questions
For 30 million men, it's a classic case of being caught between a rock and a soft place. When the Food and Drug Administration gave its approval recently to a new impotency drug called Viagra, it sounded like the perfect cure for what ails many men older than 50 who are not the president of the United States.
Originally intended as a heart medication, Viagra failed its testing in that area. But then researchers discovered it was effective in treating impotence. Exactly how one thing led to the other has not been explained. Even as it is raising hopes, though, Viagra also is raising questions. Not the least of which is: Who's going to pay for these pills, which will cost $9 each?
Personally, I would have no problem buying my own pills because I certainly can afford the $18 a year. But to some men, it could involve considerable expense. Especially for this one guy I know who, according to what he told us at our weekly poker game, would have had to shell out $45 last Friday night alone. Insurance companies and HMO's are reluctant to absorb the cost, which is hardly surprising. On my last claim, my HMO refused to reimburse me for penicillin, which it categorized as "an experimental drug." This time, though, the insurance companies have a valid argument. They point out that we're not talking about a matter of life and death here, no matter what many men think.
Even if insurers do agree to pay for a pill to improve a man's quality of life, there's still the question of quantity. This strikes at the very essence of what it is to be a man, because a lot of us have trouble distinguishing between reality and insurance fraud in this area. Most men probably will be tempted to pad their insurance claims because they would be too embarrassed to admit they really only need a Viagra pill every Christmas Eve to take to the office party.
No matter who pays, Viagra poses some other challenges. For one thing, the pill is to be taken an hour before the guy hopes to need it, so timing is everything. Let's say you are having a romantic dinner at a restaurant that, you calculate, is 30 minutes from home. Do you wait to take your Viagra with your coffee? But what if she doesn't want coffee and just wants to rush home? Or, in the more likely scenario, what if she decides she doesn't want to rush home because she would rather eat everything on the dessert cart?
There are other questions. How can you be sure you will have your Viagra when you need it? Do you carry one with you at all times, just in case? And will it leave a ring in your wallet? What worries me, though, are the possible side effects. According to the research, men who use Viagra sometimes get headaches. If I'm going to spend $9 on a pill, the last thing I want to hear is: "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."