NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION:
* One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other
types come with extra layers of skin)
* Varying from pink to black.
* Fang-less with a highly venomous spit.
(Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet)
* Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending
on its mood & sub-species.
SYMPTOMS:
This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM :
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
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Q. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?
A. Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.
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Q. What is the first symptom of aids?
A. A heavy pounding in the rectum.
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Q. What is the new gay internet address?
A. c : enter
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Q. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A. About two inches.
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Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Megasorass
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Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One..Men will screw anything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'.
The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here either."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monica Lewinski is pregnant with twin boys.
She's going to name them Neil and Bob.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done? "
Three words women hate to hear when having sex... "Honey, I'm home!"
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The English Language and Spelling
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt ENGLISH as the preferred language for European communications, rather than GERMAN, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.!!!!
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Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone...."
"And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard........"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"Let's see what's left ?"
"Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up.
When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.
She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.
In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:
"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."
========================
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along." " Groucho Marx
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his
mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned
this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his
teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the
homework.
The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her
what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said
that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what
he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here
in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is
two."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
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When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
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What the difference between a gay man and a priest.
The way they say AMEN (Ah Men)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"?
"A seagull shit in my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
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Q: What's more profitable, a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?
A: A one-story whorehouse, because there's no fucking overhead.
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Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have married.
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15 REASONS WHY IT IS GREAT TO BE A GUY:
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
2. All of your orgasms are real.
3. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
6. Your underwear is $10 for a 3 pack.
7.You don't have to shave below your neck.
8. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
9. You can write your name in the snow.
10. You can be president.
11. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
12. Flowers fix everything.
13. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
14. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
15. The world is your urinal.
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Did you know that Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig's Disease? What are the odds of that? --Bill Muse
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My family eats from the 3 basic food groups; canned, frozen and take-out.
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Q: What can you make from baked beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Bobby came walking into a brothel, behind him he was dragging a dead, dried, and flat frog in a string. Little Bobby immediately went over to the Madam and said, "I want a whore, and she's to have: AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and the whole package."
The Madam glances down at little Bobby and answers. "There aren't any girls like that around here, and besides, you're far too young to go to brothels!"
Little Bob smiles for himself, and gets $500 from his pocket, smacks them on the counter and repeats, "I want a whore, and she's to have: AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and the whole package."
The Madam shrugs and sighs, "Well.. like I said: You're far to young to be going to brothels, and besides, we don't have girls like that here! Ok?"
Little Bobby smiles for himself, gets another $500 from his pocket, smacks them in the counter and once again repeats, "I want a whore, and she's to have: AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and the whole package."
The Madam examines him with her eyes, then counts the money and says, "I'll see what I can do, wait right here."
She disappears out the backdoor and is gone for a while. Bob patiently waits with the dead, dried, and flat frog in a string. After about 10 minutes she returns and tells little Bob that he can go through one of the doors.
Little Bobby thanks her and enters, still dragging the dead, dried, and flat frog in a string behind him. Bobby disappears through the door, and is still in there after a couple of hours, which by the way is pretty good for a 7-8 year old.
After a few hours he comes out with a broad smile on his face and heads for the front door, still dragging the dead, dried, and flat frog in a string behind him. When he passes the Madam she cannot hold herself, so she asks. "Do you realize what you've just done, you've infected yourself with one, if not many of these diseases, which are extremely unpleasant, not to say deadly?"
Little Bobby looks at her, smiles and says, "I know, but it's a part of my plan you see."
"Your plan?"
"Yep. You see.. when I come home this evening I have a babysitter watching me. And her head is a bit messed up, so even though I'm a little young... she still does it to me. And then she gets AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and the whole package."
"And?"
"And when my parents come home, my dad will have to drive the babysitter home, and since she's so sexy and willing he cannot keep his fingers away. And then he gets AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and the whole package."
"Then what?"
"And when dad comes home he must hide from my mum that he's been cheating on her, so he'll have to do her too. And then she gets AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and the whole package."
"Ok?"
"Well... tomorrow when my dad's at work, the mailman comes to see my mum. And then he gets AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and the whole package and that mailman was the son-of-a-bitch who stepped on my frog !!!!"
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These instructions have proven useful for persons from the Northern region of the United States who are visiting or relocating to the Southern regions of the country.
1) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6) Do not buy food at the movie store.
7) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8) Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11) People walk slower here.
12) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15) Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16) If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23) Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24) Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25) In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," "Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
26) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied "Hey lady, how the hell should I know?".
The lady is a bit surprised and stutters out, "Well, which is a boy and which is a girl?".
The man looking angrier than before replied "Jesus Christ, I don't know!"
The woman then started to scold the man "For goodness sake, what kind of a father are you?".
The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I've got to take back to my boss!"
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One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a man who was well known for the large amounts of fish he caught when he went fishing. A friend, who also happened to be a game warden, went with him one morning, and noted that while he took his tackle box, he took no rod and reel. When they were at a good spot on the lake, the man opened the tackle box and took out a stick of dynamite, lit it from his cigar, and tossed it overboard. The explosion naturally sent quite a few nice sized fish to the surface which he promptly stuck in the creel. His friend was stunned and then began to berate him loudly for his inhumanity and lawlessness. The man listened for a bit, then quietly picked up another stick, lit it, and stuck it in his friend's hands, saying "Are you going to talk, or are you going to fish?"
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I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit. I'll break up with someone on purpose.
-Rita Rudner
---------------------------------------------------------------------
In the new sex survey they found that 8 percent of people had sex four or more times a week. Now here's the interesting part. That number drops to 2 percent when you add the phrase, "With partner."
-David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man received a call from the hospital that his wife had been in a serious automobile accident. Rushing in he found a young doctor attending his wife, whose initial information was: "I have some bad news and some good news for you." "Tell me the bad news first." Doctor: "Your wife's skull is split open, her brain is turned sideways, she will never be right. Her heart is in good condition. She will live like a vegetable and you will watch her get fed through her veins probably 30 years." "My lord, man," says the distressed husband, "what's the good news?" Doctor: "I was just fooling you, she died ten minutes ago!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he finds that the diaper is indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. says. "He needs a change." The father is very perplexed, " But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.
=======================
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows.".
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bulls rectum and blow and when the eyes uncross, yell stop!!" The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed.
Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross. He says to himself "I better call the vet. No, wait a moment. Last time I called the vet he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."
He went to the barn and called his trusty farmhand, Luke. "Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."
Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened. Finally he said "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch." Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it over and reinserted it. "What the hell are you doing, Luke" "Hell, boss, I'm not stupid. I'm not blowing on the same end that you did!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Perkins was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."
"What do you mean?" the beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she'd be bald soon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
" My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked,
" What is your name?"
" My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why does the bride always white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Philosophies of life
Tao - Shit Happens
Confucian - Confucius say : Shit Happens
Buddhist - If shit happens it is not necessary shit.
Zen - What happens if shit does not happen or If shit happens, it comes from within.
Islamic - If shit happens it is God's will.
Jewish - Why does this shit always happen to us
Catholic - Let the shit happen to others.
Hinduism - Shit happens to you if you make shit happen to others
Calvinist - If shit happens, you deserve it.
Amish - This shit makes good fertilizer.
Rastafarian - Let's smoke this shit, mon.
Atheist - Shit doesn't happen.
Agnostic - I don't know if shit happens.
Communist - Come the revolution, there will be none of this shit happening.
Capitalist - Wanna buy some shit.
Africanist - Burn down the shithouse
Hedonist - Enjoy the shit when it happens.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sex life is so dull that during lovemaking I fantasize that I am somebody else - Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" Shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
10. Ellen DeGeneres -- Suffocates in the closet
9. Susan Lucci -- Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8. Jenny McCarthy -- Struck by a random thought
7. Frank Sinatra -- Killed by Stranglers in the Night
6. RuPaul -- Prostate cancer
5. O.J. Simpson -- Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
4. Madonna -- Exposure
3. Unabomber -- Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2. Al Gore -- Dutch Elm Disease
and the Number One Most Ironic Celebrity Death is
1. Bill Gates -- Falls out of a Window
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Ways to Know If You Have PMS:
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving call 1-800-***-***.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit. "The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is there another word for synonym?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amusing Irrelevant Facts ******
1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. [ROTFL! -NH]
9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. [Ah! Women's liberation! --NH]
15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
19. Every person has a unique tongue print. [This could be the basis of an X-Files episode. --NH]
20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
23. Bubble gum contains rubber.
24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. 28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
35. Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze.
36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. And, rightfully so. [Heh heh.--NH]
38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. [...and it was bought by the Smoking Man.--NH]
42. Mosquitoes have teeth.
43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a lady named Jude
Who was such an implacable prude
That she pulled down the blind
When changing her mind
Lest a curious eye should intrude
There was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her heels from the doorway
She said to her young man
"Get off the divan --
I think I've found still one more way."
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass:
Not pretty and pink --
As you'd probably think --
T'was gray with long ears, and ate grass.
==========================
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed
glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a
corkscrew. "Blimey," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Ted said.
"All twisted like a pigs tail," Ed said.
"Well what's yours like?" Ted said.
"Well straight like normal," Ed said.
"I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours," Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down
prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Ted said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
"Shit," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you pick up anything with that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man whose head was between her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"
The stranger stammered, "I'm listening to music!"
The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen."
He also between her breasts. He exclaimed suspiciously, "I can't hear any damn music."
"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons. .Mrs. Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii.He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world." Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Lemme tell you about my son Jonathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, and lectures. He was nominated for a Nobe lprize in medicine. What a man!" Mrs. Lefkowitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he's not famous. But his penis is so long,he can line up ten pigeons in a row on it." The three ladies quietly sip their tea for a while... Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I got a confession to make. Sheldon is an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's just a bright young man with a good future." Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confess on too. Jonathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships -- but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn't." Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Levy look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz. "Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too," admitted Mrs. Lefkowitz. "The last pigeon has to stand on one leg."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Dictionary For Women
Aaaack (aak) interj. ~~ An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning --- and you don't know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n. ~~ What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. ~~ A discussion that occurs when you' re right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. ~~ To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n ~~ You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. ~~ Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n ~~ Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. ~~ An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. ~~ A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. ~~ The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v ~~ To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. ~~ What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. ~~ Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n ~~ Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. ~~ You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n ~~ On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would ear...!
Park (park) v./n. ~~ Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. ~~ The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. ~~ A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. ~~ Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n ~~ The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two builders (Fred and Barney) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about theoccupation of the suit...
Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Barney: "No way he's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and several schooners get the better of the builder...
Fred: "Scuse me.... no offense meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offense taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example............Do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?'
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?"
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it mself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!"
Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!" Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Barney: "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?"
Fred: "Yep ! He's a logical scientist!
Barney: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Barney: "Nope"
Fred: "Well then, you're a jack-off!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elephant owner who was down on his luck decided h ewould attempt to make some money one day. He posted a sign at the local pub that read "I will pay anyone 10,000 dollars if they can make my elephant hop on one leg" Since he knew this was impossible he charged every person 5 dollars per attempt. People came from miles around, nobody could make theelephant do it. One day a little man in a little car pulled up. He paid the elephant owner 5 dollars and proceeded to his car where he took out a baseball bat. He walked up to the elephant looked him dead in the eyes and then whacked the elephant in the balls with the bat. The elephant roared and roared and sure enough hopped on one leg.
Somewhat displaced, the elephant owner had another idea .Everyone has seen an elephant nod his head, but never shake his head backand forth as to say "No". So he posted a sign in the local pub saying "I will pay anyone 200,000 dollars if they can make my elephant shake his head for 10 dollars". Again, people came from miles around but no one seemed to do it. One day, the little man in the little car appeared again, paid the owner the 10 dollars, then walked over to the elephant with his bat and whispered something in his ear. Sure enough the elephant shook his head back and forth wildly to the elephant owners amazement. The owner asked the little man "Excuse me sir, just how did you do that?" To this, the little man replied "Oh, I just asked him if he remembered what I did before and asked him if he wanted me to do it again"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Clintons also got a chance to meet Chelsea's new boyfriend. He told her parents that Bill was his role model, and was immediately forbidden from ever seeing Chelsea again. (SNL)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between Karate and Judo?
A: Karate is a method of self-defense, Judo is what bagels are made of.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: MANAGEMENT
subject: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTESTITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T). We are
trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else does.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job please see your manager. You will be immediatly placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are specially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T that you can handle.
Employees who don't take there S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEES ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T) Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T Will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T)
If you have any further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTESTIY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T)
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men take showers instead of baths? Peeing in the bath is disgusting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600. a week.
When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher.
"I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scandal in the Wind: Bill Clinton's alleged affair with a White House intern means Al Gore "is now just an orgasm away from the presidency." (Jay Leno)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in
the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and
said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress..."
"Stop -- I don't permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the
bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope..."
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then fuck you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis:
According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comes out of the Santa Barbara clinic and says, I have bad news and good news.
The bad news, Linda has died.
The good news, bacon and eggs for breakfast.
====================