"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path.
"That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can.
After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder... Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him!
Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront.
When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water.
Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed. "You didn't bring it back??" he inquires. "No, I've just one question. Do you have one which is shaped like a lawyer?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during time-outs and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
2) When I say thank you after a blow job a simple "you're welcome" will suffice. I am not interested in kissing you.
3) If I am doing anything that involves directions, tools, or sharp objects do not interrupt me and never offer to help.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) Don't be upset that I didn't think the romantic movie was warm and fuzzy. I wasn't paying attention to the dialog, just the naked body parts and the sex scenes.
6) Do not ask me to do household chores in front of my friends. Even if I do not have to do them until some time in the future. And don't be negative when you give me more than one to do. I am proud of the fact that I did one and can easily ignore the other nine.
7) If you need help with the laundry I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
8) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
9) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
10) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
11) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
12) There is no such thing as too many CDs.
13) When I say she has a great set of tits or ass I am not thinking to myself "...as compared to yours...," so there is no point in starting an argument over it. I don't start with you over Brad Pitt or one of those other empty headed losers.
14) Buying tools is a God-given right. It does not matter if we need them or not. The same holds true for sporting goods.
15) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
16) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
17) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
18) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
19) Please do not distract me when I am reading in the bathroom. It only causes me to lose my place, have to re-read the section, and further extends my time in there.
20) Assume when we are in the video store that I am not interested in a romantic comedy. This will greatly expedite our time there.
21) Alcohol is one of the four food groups and as such should be consumed daily.
22) No good can ever come from discussing past relationships.
23) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
24) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
25) PMS really stands for Powerless, Male, and Stupid. Fortunately this is only a temporary condition which I suffer one week out of every month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this guy with only one arm walking down the street, carrying a light bulb. "What are you up to?" I ask him, and he replies "I'm going to change the light bulb."
"Will you be able to manage that with only one arm?" I ask, and he replies, "Oh yes, I've got the receipt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impotency Drug Raises a Few Questions
For 30 million men, it's a classic case of being caught between a rock and a soft place. When the Food and Drug Administration gave its approval recently to a new impotency drug called Viagra, it sounded like the perfect cure for what ails many men older than 50 who are not the president of the United States.
Originally intended as a heart medication, Viagra failed its testing in that area. But then researchers discovered it was effective in treating impotence. Exactly how one thing led to the other has not been explained. Even as it is raising hopes, though, Viagra also is raising questions. Not the least of which is: Who's going to pay for these pills, which will cost $9 each?
Personally, I would have no problem buying my own pills because I certainly can afford the $18 a year. But to some men, it could involve considerable expense. Especially for this one guy I know who, according to what he told us at our weekly poker game, would have had to shell out $45 last Friday night alone. Insurance companies and HMO's are reluctant to absorb the cost, which is hardly surprising. On my last claim, my HMO refused to reimburse me for penicillin, which it categorized as "an experimental drug." This time, though, the insurance companies have a valid argument. They point out that we're not talking about a matter of life and death here, no matter what many men think.
Even if insurers do agree to pay for a pill to improve a man's quality of life, there's still the question of quantity. This strikes at the very essence of what it is to be a man, because a lot of us have trouble distinguishing between reality and insurance fraud in this area. Most men probably will be tempted to pad their insurance claims because they would be too embarrassed to admit they really only need a Viagra pill every Christmas Eve to take to the office party.
No matter who pays, Viagra poses some other challenges. For one thing, the pill is to be taken an hour before the guy hopes to need it, so timing is everything. Let's say you are having a romantic dinner at a restaurant that, you calculate, is 30 minutes from home. Do you wait to take your Viagra with your coffee? But what if she doesn't want coffee and just wants to rush home? Or, in the more likely scenario, what if she decides she doesn't want to rush home because she would rather eat everything on the dessert cart?
There are other questions. How can you be sure you will have your Viagra when you need it? Do you carry one with you at all times, just in case? And will it leave a ring in your wallet? What worries me, though, are the possible side effects. According to the research, men who use Viagra sometimes get headaches. If I'm going to spend $9 on a pill, the last thing I want to hear is: "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of Heaven. Peter asks the first if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUIZ #1
1. If a plane crashes on the border of the US and Canada where are the survivors buried?
2. An electric train is travelling due south. The wind is coming from the east, which way will the trains' smoke blow?
3. A rooster is sitting on the roof of Joe's house. If he lays an egg and it rolls to the right, it lands in Joe's property. But if rolls to the left, it will be on his neighbor Sam's land. Should Sam be allowed to keep the eggs?
4. Joe also has a potato plant that is growing near the edge of his property. Sam says he wants to pick any potato he sees growing over his fence. Can Sam pick the potato?
QUIZ #2
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear?
Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
QUIZ #3
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
QUIZ #4
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did Sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
13. Paul is 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. How is this possible?
14. What has four legs but only one foot?
15. How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
16. Kindly old Grandfather Lunn
Is twice as old as his son
Twenty-five years ago
Their age ratio
Strange enough was three to one
When does Grandfather celebrate his centenary?
17. Said a certain young lady named Gwen
Of her tally of smitten young men
"one less and three more
Divided by four
Together give one more than ten"
How many boyfriends had she?
18. There was a young fellow named Clive
Whose bees number ten power five
The daughters to each son
Were as nineteen to one,
A truly remarkable hive.
How many sons (drones) were in the hive?
19. A team's opening batter named Nero
Squared his number of hits, the big hero!
After subtracting his score
He took off ten and two more
And the final result was a "zero".
How many hits did Nero make:
20. Some freshman from Trinity Hall
Played hockey with a wonderful ball;
Two times its weight
Plus weight squared, minus eight,
Gave "nothing" in ounces at all.
What was the weight of the ball?
21. The Bar Z ranch was a dude ranch. One day a new "dude" asked
one of the stable hands how many men were tending
the horses in the corral. Having a mischievous sense of humor,
he replied, "I saw eighty-two feet and twenty-six heads". He
then walked away, leaving the dude scratching his head trying
to figure it out. How many men were tending the horses?
22. One morning as Paul was getting his newspaper, he noticed on
his new house something that needed to be fixed. Heading over
to the hardware store, he spoke to the manager, describing his
problem. The manager said, "I know just what you need". He led
Paul down some aisles and stopped in front of some bins.
Digging down into some of the bins, he set something up on the
shelf. "I saw your house when it was built", the manager said.
"Here's all that you'll need and how much it'll cost... five
will be 15 cents while fifty will be 30 cents, 250 will be 45
cents, while 2507 will only cost you 60 cents. One lady, about
20 blocks from your house, bought 30247 and only paid 75
cents! These are black, but they also come in gold and
silver." What was the manager selling?
23. If it takes 3 people to dig a hole, how many does it take to
dig half a hole?
24. What is the beginning of eternity. The end of time and space.
The beginning of every end. And the end of every place
ANSWERS: QUIZ #1
1. survivors aren't buried
2. electric trains don't have smoke
3. roosters don't lay eggs
4. potatoes grow underground
ANSWERS: QUIZ #2
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2 (You are taking them)
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.
ANSWERS: QUIZ #3
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish
of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
ANSWERS: QUIZ #4
1. Incorrectly.
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it
between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north
pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if
you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is
performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add
two, and the answer is three.
6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which
knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke,
killing him.
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence
of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for
another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement
too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F
water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the
water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The
question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it.
Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. An umbrella.
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become
one big stack.
12. The temperature.
13. The years are in B.C., not A.D. as you probably assumed. Based
on the system we use to number the years, the years counted down
in B.C. (but they weren't counting backwards back then.)
14. A bed.
15. None. Moses didn't take animals on the ark. Noah did.
16. This year. He is 100, and his son is 50.
17. Gwen had forty-two boyfriends. 42-1=41. 41+3=44. 44/4=11.
11-1=10.
18. Five Thousand. Ten power five = 100,000. Divide that out
(it was a 19:1 ratio) and you get a ratio of 95,000:5,000
(daughters:sons)
19. Four. If you square it, you get 16. Subtract his number of
hits and you get 12. Subtract 10 and then 2 more and you get 0.
20. Two ounces. (Beach ball, or ping-pong ball?) 2x2=4. 4+2^2=8.
8-8=0.
21. Eleven men (and 15 horses). 11 (men) x 2 (feet per man)=22,
15 (horses) x 4 (feet per horse)=60, and 22 (men's feet) +
60 (horse's feet) = 82 feet. Also, 11 (men) + 15 (horses) =
26 (total heads).
22. House numbers. Each digit costs 15 cents.
23. It's impossible to dig a half of a hole. Either you have a hole,
or you don't.
24. The letter E.
==============================
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?" "I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy", said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's back in the 1800's and a mine owner is hiring new workers. A German steps up and says, "I can pick gold faster than any man alive." The owner hires him on the spot.
A Russian wanders up and says, "I can load gold faster than any man alive." The owner can't believe his good fortune and hires this man too.
A China man walks up and asks for a job, the owner is so elated about hiring the other two men he says, "Well, if these other 2 men work as good as they say I wont need any more help but I'll put you in charge of supplies."
The next day the owner goes and checks on his new workers, and sure enough the German is picking gold at an unbelievable rate......The Russian is loading it as fast as the other workers can haul it out. He looks around and can't find the Chinaman anywhere.
He begins to walk around the mine to find him and just as he rounds a dark corner the Chinaman jumps out from behind a rock and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house. After a few days a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model, working in a nearby Manchester studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room Monday through Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start right away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband?" asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," replied the model, "I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping, the model stepped into the bath and Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave her pussy, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returned Doris related this oddity; he didn't believe her. "It's true, I tell you," said Doris, "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris, standing behind her, looked towards the curtains, and pointed towards the model's naked pussy. She then lifted up her own skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked him. "Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "Anyway, you've seen my pussy millions of times." "Sure, I have," replied Fred, "but until tonight, the rest of the friggin' dart team hasn't!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled.
The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So...," but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes," he replied. Then the torso came out and it was yellow. Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes," she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said only once and he replied that that was all it took. Well, he pulled the kid out and held it upside down and slapped it's bottom to make it cry. "Oh, thank God," she exclaimed, "At least it doesn't bark!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl was sitting on the shore she had no arms no legs she was so sad. A jogger came jogging by, the girl starts crying the jogger says "What's the matter" the girl says "Well I've never been hugged before" so the man picks her up hugs her puts her down and joggs on. About an hour late another jogger comes jogging on he says "What's the matter" the girl says "Well I've never been kissed before" so the guy picks her up kisses her puts down and jogs on. She was still sad and she heard another jogger she started crying again the jogger says "What's the matter" the girl says "Well I've never been fucked before" so the man picks her up throws her in the water and he says now you're fucked."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.
I don't want to say that my love life is bad, but the last time I had a man at my feet, I was at the podiatrist's.
I'm only mean in a manner of speaking. And gesturing. Especially gesturing.
My hair's got a mind of it's own. Apparently a sick, twisted mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN THE END OF THE WORLD ARRIVES HOW WILL THE MEDIA REPORT IT?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE
KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR
NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY
CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. Magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE
RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but i would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. So, a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him. "Whoa!" He says, 'What's going on?" She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has toensure that he has no blockages. The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?", so he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task. Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair." The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEALTH INSPECTOR TO RESTAURANT OWNER:
"You have too many roaches in here."
RESTAURANT OWNER:
"OK. How many am I allowed?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"
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A woman works in an office setting. Every morning a man she works with comes in and sticks his nose in her hair, backs away and exclaims "Boy, your hair smells GREAT!". This became a regular occurrence, and began to annoy the woman. Day after day this went on.
Finally she decided to report him to the Director of Human resources. She said to him," I would like to file a sexual harassment charge!"
"What do you base this on?" replied the HR Manager.
"Well, you see, every morning a man she works with comes in and sticks his nose in her hair, backs away and exclaims "Boy, your hair smells GREAT!".
"I'm afraid that this doesn't sound like much of a case." said the HR.
"Well, would it bolster my case if you knew the guy was a midget?" retorted the woman.
==============================
A southern lady was sitting in New York airport. She turned to the two women sitting next to her and said "Where are y'all from?" The lady replied, "We are from where you don't end sentences with prepositions." The southern lady then responded "Oh, well where y'all from, Bitch?"
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One day a guy decided to visit a prostitute, but he only had five dollars to spend. So he got himself the seediest, smelliest, oldest willing whore, and screwed her.
After a few weeks, he felt a burning sensation in his crotch, and discovered that the whore had given him crabs. Heavily pissed off, he went looking for her, and found her eventually. "You BITCH! You gave me crabs!" he yelled, on which she replied, "What do you expect for five bucks?! LOBSTERS?!"
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A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, well that's different!! Send her in!"
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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin."
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I am NOT "going bald."
I'm "getting more head!"
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A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and
come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or
whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
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A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.
"Two pintsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus.
Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
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In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
FRENCH GYNAE: Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon.
ENGLISH GYNAE: Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big. My god, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was.
FRENCH GYNAE: Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size. I was talkeeng about ze flavour.
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Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the actress Sharon Stone.
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?
My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.
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An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."
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Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk l e crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment at they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I l ked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away.
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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps
from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first
jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell
him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and
the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a
dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one
at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last
man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to
jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250
pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.'
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.
I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm
sticking this little baby up your ass.' "
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
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If IBM made toasters... They would have one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...they would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Xerox made toasters...you could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you would get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Packard Bell made toasters... They would be made from used substandard parts from everyone else's toasters. Upgrading the Packard Bell toaster to add, say another slot for CD toast, would require that you throw away the one that you have and buy a new toaster.
If AT&T, MCI, and Sprint made toasters... They would all cost and work pretty much the same no matter which company made it, but they would all claim to be selling the cheapest best toaster.
If Ronco made toasters... The Toast-O-Matic would come with an automatic buttering attachment, jam dispenser, 30 day warrantee, and 31 day life expectancy. NOW how much would you expect to pay?
If Cray made toasters... they would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If Sony made toasters... the Toast-Man would barely be larger than the single piece of bread it was designed to toast, and it could be conveniently attached to your belt. If Apple made toasters... they'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Microsoft made toasters... every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster 95 would weigh 15,000 pounds.(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop),and draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95 per cent of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
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Here's some of Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners...
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me.Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
1. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
2. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
3. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
4. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
5. "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
6. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
7. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
8. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
9. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
10. "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
11. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
12. "Got milk?"
13. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
14. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
15. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
16. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."
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CRAP LIST !!!
------------------------
THE GHOST CRAP
The kind where you feel CRAP come out, see CRAP on the toilet paper, but there's no CRAP in the bowl.
THE CLEAN CRAP
The kind where you feel CRAP come out, see CRAP in the bowl, but there's no CRAP on the toilet paper.
THE WET CRAP
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE CRAP
This CRAP happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE CRAP Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead CRAP". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN CRAP No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG CRAP The kind of CRAP that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NORORIUS DRINKER CRAP The kind of CRAP you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD CRAP" CRAP- The kind where you want to CRAP, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS CRAP Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID CRAP That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD CRAP A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER This CRAP is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER This CRAP occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL This CRAP occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS CRAP A CRAP so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK CRAP This CRAP has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" CRAP This is any CRAP created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER A CRAP so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER Characterized by its floatability, this CRAP has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER A CRAP which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM CRAP This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO CRAP Now you see it, now you don't. This CRAP is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL A CRAP that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to CRAP (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near crapping facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny CRAP which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC CRAP This CRAP occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's CRAP.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE CRAP This CRAP may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the pbuttenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN CRAP An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T CRAP.
PREMEDITATED CRAP Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
CRAPZOPHERENIA Fear of crapping - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL CRAP Also known as a "Still Going" CRAP.
THE POWER DUMP CRAP The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER CRAP This kind of CRAP is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log CRAP.)
THE SPINAL TAP CRAP The kind of CRAP that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUTTHOLE" CRAP Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap CRAPs. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE CRAP The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" CRAP When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" CRAP When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HECK DIED IN HERE?" CRAP Also sometimes referred to as "The Toxic Dump". Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" CRAP Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.