Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.
There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
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A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings. The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form. He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist. She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether. She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground. Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill. The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
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TODAY'S BUMPER STICKER:
I have the body of a God
.... Budda
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A man approached a college professor (after a nice dinner and evening) and told her, "I've slept with 100 women, and 60 of them said I was the best they'd ever had."
She replied, "60% is a D- in my class."
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GUYS SUCK...and let me tell you why
* FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your leg? (( LOL ))
* JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch? We don't want to see you scratch either.
* PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys getting what you can't. By the way, it's not good for our skin.
* PICK UP LINES - Not!
* DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell can't we?
* HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.
* SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!
* DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner store. Buy it.
* LOCKER ROOMS - Hello.....air freshner.
* HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your pants and get the other out of your ass.
* You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.
* You are not the shit, - I AM!
* Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any thing on legs.
* Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT number one at it.
* Why must you tell ALL of your friends about everything you do with a girl? They all had the same DREAM last night anyway.
* Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You should be glad we're not pregnant. (( LOL ))
* Try matching your maturity level to your age.
* We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts and ideas. We can even form words like "FUCK YOU!!!"
* There is more to life than playing cards and video games - How old are you??
* Why do we have to look good and you can look like shit?
* Can we go out in public? Your room does not excite me.
* Can we eat like humans - utensils were made especially for this purpose. Ever heard of knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins? (This does not include shirt sleeves.)
* WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition every year to get drunk, get laid, and play sports is fucking retarded. If you're interested, become a professional athlete and at least GET PAID for it.
* I am not putting myself through school to carry your sorry, lazy ass through life.
* BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your cock to the exact millimeter, then you can remember our birthday.
* What is the deal with standing in front of your mirror - naked - and thinking "Oh, what a God." Trust me you are not a God.
* Rulers were not made to measure your genitalia. They were not made that small. Why measure it anyway? There will always be someone bigger and believe me, we can find him.
* Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing and then rolling over and going to sleep.
* The one thing you are good for, you are not good at!
* No, we will not swallow!!!
* It feels so good to take it in the ass. NOT!! Try it yourself, see if you like it.
* Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm scene'? Sound familiar?
* When we say we're lost without you, we're probably high.
* TIGHTY WHITEYS - Gotta go. (break it to your mother slowly)
* When you buy a PLAYBOY be sure to pick us up a PLAYGIRL.
* When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if it's not too much trouble, a dozen would be nice.
* WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to make it so obvious.
* GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!" we're not refering to your breathing pattern.
* MOTTOS YOU SHOULD ADOPT - "A stick of dynamite with a short fuse," "When you pump up the JACK it gets lost in the CRACK," "Big EATERS have small PETERS," "For him...a rare MOMENT, for her...this month's RENT."
To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these statements and never get the time of day, here's a note of hope...WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.
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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said "I like both."
"Both?" The artist and architect asked.
"Yeah," said the engineer, "If you have a wife AND a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the lab and get some work done."
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What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog after having oral sex:
UUUmmmm, it DOES taste like chicken....
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A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.
POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. " Oy Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three
hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?"
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins."
"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration, "I'd like to be white and surrounded by pussy."
"No problem" said the Genie,
POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.
Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached.
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John Q. Nerd gets his Master's Degree from the MIT Laboratory for Computer Science here in Technology Square and spends two months looking for a job. Unfortunately, DEC is laying people off and Wang went bankrupt. He's running low on rent money so he decides to work in the Central Square McDonald's on weekends and look for a job during the week.
After John hands in an employment application, the manager tells that he isn't qualified. "Not qualified!?! I've got a Master's degree in computer science from MIT!" says John. The McDonald's manager replies, "I'm sorry, but all of our computer scientists have PhDs."
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Two men are in a mental institution. One says to the other..."Tonight's the night....Ahhmm breakin' outta dis' joint"...."An jus' how you gonna do dat, Winford?" Beauford replies; "I got me a FLASHLIGHT!" ....."An jus' how's THAT gonna get us outta here Winford?"...Easy....You jus' shine the flashlight at the top of the wall....an' I'll climb up da beam!.....then toss me da flashlight, 'an I'll shine it down so you can climb up after me!"
...After some deep thought Beauford say's..... "Whaddaya think I'm CRAZY?...I'll get halfway up da beam and you'll shut off da dam flashlight!!!"
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A mountain man-type guy comes down out of the hills to cash in the gold he has panned. He wants a little piece of action. After getting his money, he heads straight to the closest whore house.
Inside he says to the Madam, "Send me up a bottle of beer, a box of matches and the roughest, toughest whore that you got. I'm awful horny and I want a woman who can handle me."
Fifteen minutes later, there is a knock at the door to his room and in walks a pretty young girl with a box of matches and a bottle of beer.
"If you don't mind," said the mountain man. "I'd like to administer a little test to make sure you're rough and tough enough. Drop your knickers and bend over."
She does as she's told and he takes one of the matches out of the box and attempts to strike it on her bare ass. It doesn't light, so he tells her to get out and to tell the Madam to send up a real rough and tough whore.
This scene is carried out repeatedly until the Madam discovers that she has run out of whores. Knowing that she must make the customer happy, she goes up herself to satisfy the mountain man.
Like the others, she drops drawers and bends over when she is told. He rakes the match across her ass and it bursts into flames.
"Now, that's more like it!" says the mountain man happily. Then he notices that the Madam is still bending over. "You can stand up now," he says.
"But," says the madam, "don't you want to open the beer?"
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Q: What is the difference between a midget con artist and a vaginal infection?
A: One is a cunning runt...
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A nervous newlywed husband is trying to prepare his wife for their first night as man and wife. He pulls his pants down, takes his dick in his hand and says, "Honey, this is a cock. It will go into your vagina when we make love."
His young wife, blushing and giggling, says, "Dear, that is not a cock. That is a penis. A cock is black and much bigger."
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Top Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
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Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "I put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited! We have wild sex all night!"
"Is that right?" said Ethel. "Well, then, I'm going to try that tonight!"
That evening, while Ethel's husband is in the bathroom Getting ready for bed, she takes off all her clothes. And although it's a struggle, she manages to get one leg Up and behind her head. With some effort, she finally gets the other leg behind her head as well. No sooner has she accomplished this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells "For God's sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"
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Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
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A Priest, a drunkard, and a technician were lined up at the Guillotine to be be-headed. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine. The priest said, "Well Heaven is up, so I'll look up, so I can see where I'm going." So they placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the Priest, so they let him go thinking it was a miracle. The drunkard thought , "Well if it worked for the Priest, it might work for me, "so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the drunkard, so they let him go thinking , this was also a miracle. The technician thought, "Well why not?" So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the technician said, "Oh I see your problem!"
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Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
PS Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
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Once there was a competition. The idea of the competition was to see who w was the best using longbow and arrows. Target was an apple on top of a little boy's head.
First man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the apple. "I'm William Tell."
Second man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into William's arrow. "I'm Robin Hood."
Then the third man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the boy's left eye. "I'm sorry!"
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The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open? He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir; all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
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Q. What do Marilyn Monroe, Darryl Hannah, and a tree have in common?
A. They've all been banged by a Kennedy.
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Q. What is the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. They found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept."
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At summer camp one year, a young camper asks the chaplain if *hard on* was hyphenated.
The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing home about."
The young man says, "I'm telling mom and dad about the project we worked so 'hard on'."
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An old man was having an on-going affair with a widow. They had a standing date to meet once a month for a nite of passion. After their April tryst, he said to her, "See ya in May." She sighed and replied, "Is sex all you ever think about ?" - - - - -
I have a neighbor Mrs. Musgrove, whom people say hasn't changed a bit in the last 20 years -- they swear she still looks the same. Of course, she looked old as heck twenty years ago too. - - - - -
I don't really know how old she is, but when she and her first husband were divorced, she got the cave.
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What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright
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I believe that, in general, women are saner than men.
For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing.
Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.
There would be no such words as ``wedgie'' and ``noogie.''
Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations there would be --I sincerely believe this -- virtually no military conflicts, and when there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective -- follow me closely here -- is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: ``Howdy! My bottom is the size of a Federal Express truck!''
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as ``8'' or ``10.'' Don't ask me ``8'' or ``10'' of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 8. So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.
``Hi!'' he'll say, when his wife finds him. ``You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and . . '
``Am I fat?'' she'll ask, cutting him off.
This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers ``yes,'' she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers ``no,'' she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: ``I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a `6' on them.''
Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called ``SIZE 2,'' in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words ``SIZE 2.'' I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him. Never-the-less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly.
"By-the-way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, Sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
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If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple payments.
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A devout Catholic woman was running late to church when, in her haste, she stumbled and fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt up the back.
Dazed and confused, she glanced up and saw a small boy watching her. "Is mass out?" she asked.
"No. ma'am," he replied, "but your hat is on crooked."
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I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. " Jay Leno
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This guy is not getting along so well with his wife, thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet, goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 beans and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day Guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," and motions him over with one wing. Guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began kissing her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time.
"Then what happened? What happened?!" says the frantic guy. I don't know," says the Parrot, "That's when I got a woody and fell off my perch."
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Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
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A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your mother home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do you think?"
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What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepherd?
The Stones say "Hey you! Get off of my Cloud." and
The Scottish Shepherd says "Hey McCleod! Get off of my ewe.
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Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but its a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.
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Nose Picking Glossary
* THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is there is no limit.
* CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
* FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but your really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
* MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your probably entitled to dessert.
* SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
* AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.
* PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger goes in so far it passes the septum.
* PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
* PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
* PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
* PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "PICK AND FLICK" but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
* PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves your breathing by 90%.
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I have sex almost every night - almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday.
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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there".
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A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
If there really was a Noah,why didn't he swat those two mosquitoes?
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John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.
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There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation." said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
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Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses. "My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."
"Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love."
The third woman paused.... "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
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Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles' death quite well.
However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happen, the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean, Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well, mumbled Lucy, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy."
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A man sat at a bar, drinking slow. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"
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Two young engineers fresh out of college put in applications for an engineering position with a company. Both clients having the exact same qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Department manager to help decide which one to hire.
Upon completion of the test, both applicants had missed only one of the questions. After reviewing the tests, the manager decided to speak with the losing applicant first:
Manager: Thanks for your interest, but we have decided to give the position to the other applicant.
Applicant: Why would you do that? We both got 9 questions correct, why choose the other applicant over me?
Manager: We have made our decision not based upon the correct answers, but on the question you missed.
Applicant: And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?
Manager: Simple. The other applicant put answered "I don't know" for question 5. Your answer was "Neither do I."
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Q: What is hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in the middle?
A: Coconut
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Q. What is the difference between men and pigs?
A. Pigs don't turn into men when they drink
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W The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary
11> Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
10> Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.
9> The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8> Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7> Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6> Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
5> Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4> Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3> Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
2> Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary...
1> Seventh day: rested.
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TODAY'S BUMPER STICKER:
Criminal Lawyer Is A Redundancy.
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Prosecutor, "Did you kill the victim?"
Defendant, "No, I did not."
Prosecutor, "Do you know what the penalty is for perjury?"
Defendant, "Yeah, and it's a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder."
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Person 1: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: GOOD!
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
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The following exchange between a lawyer and a pathologist was recently reported in the New York Times.
Lawyer: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken a pulse?
Pathologist: No.
Lawyer: Did you listen to the heart?
Pathologist: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Pathologist: No.
Lawyer: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure he was dead were you?
Pathologist: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
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A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex" When his turn came, he stood up, said "Ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure........." and sat down promptly.
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A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day she'd had at work, that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died. "How horrible" said the friend, "what did you do?" The blonde relies, "Well there was nothing I could do, he kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"
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A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom.
Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
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Q: You know what is wrong with our legal system today?
A: Your fate is left to be decided by people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty.
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If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole, then why isn't the end of a penis shaped like an axe?