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Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in church bulletins:

1. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

2. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

3. Thursday night, potluck supper, prayer and medication to follow.

4. Remember the many in prayer who are sick of our church and community.

5. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

6. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an Ice Cream Social. Ladies giving milk will need to come early.

7. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those women wishing to be Little Mothers, meet with the pastor in his study.

8. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

9. A bean supper will be held in the church hall, Tuesday evening at 6pm. Music will follow.

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Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this...

|<---------------------->| is 12 inches.

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What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

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Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way" counseled the therapist, "is by the size of his feet." So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had every laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone out. By the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

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Confucious Say.....

Man who masturbate in cash register come into money.

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"Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me, d-doc, b-but I have th-th-this st-st-stutter problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could me help m-m-me", said the patient to the doctor.

"Well, take off your clothes, get into this gown and I will check you over and run some tests", replies the physician.

"Ummm, I do believe I see the problem" the doctor says after a thorough going over of the man. "Your penis is so large and so heavy, it is actually pulling down your vocal chords. We will need to cut off about six inches to relieve the strain on your throat"

"I-I-I c-c-can't st-stand th-this st-st-stuttering any longer, it-it-it k-k-keeps from get-getting pretty g-g-girls, so do-do it"

Six months later the patient returns to the doctors office with another complaint, "Doc, the operation was a great success, I can pick up all the pretty girls now, but the sex is terrible, please put back those six inches you removed"

Doctor: "F-f-f-fuck off!"

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One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.

Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey.

Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar.

The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?"

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Dad: "Such miserable grades are worth a sound thrashing"

Son: "I agree Dad, I know where the teacher lives"

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An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional safe," he suggested!

"Sectional schmectional." she said shrugging."All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

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I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind

I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

I'm Glad I'm A Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts

I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west don't get wasted after only 2 beers and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair and I don't go around checking my reflection direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back

I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too

I know what the time is and I know what to do

And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball

It's more fun than dealing with women after all

I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true

I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

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A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

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"How often should I plan to have sex?" the young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.

Grandpa said, "When you're first married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day. Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."

"Well, how about you and grandma now?" the younger man asked.

Grandpa replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What"s oral sex?"

"Well," said Grandpa, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom.

She yells, "FUCK YOU," and I holler back, "FUCK YOU, TOO."

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Fornigate: "After five years of investigations, special prosecutor Ken Starr has finally found the smoking gun, and apparently it's in Clinton's pants." (Jay Leno)

Cirque du OJ: OJ Simpson said in an interview last week that he's still trying to bring the killers of his ex-wife, Nicole, to justice. "Hey OJ, forget about it. We tried that once. It didn't work." (Leno)

A recent dinner raised $25 million to preserve White House artwork. The money will replace carpets and broken china. "Sounds like a new dog and an angry wife to me." (Argus Hamilton)

A CNN legal analyst said we shouldn't assume Clinton is guilty. Everyone thought Richard Jewell was guilty, too, and they were wrong. "But you can't really compare Jewell to Clinton. One's a big Southern doofus, the other's a wealthy, respected former security guard." (Leno)

Neighborhood Watch: "Things are so bad that Washington, DC, police are distributing fliers in the neighborhood around the White House advising people that a sex offender is living in the area." (Leno)

Don't Ask, Don't Email: The Navy is threatening to expel a senior chief petty officer for announcing he was gay on a chat room on America Online. "A separate investigation is underway to determine how the Navy was able to get through to AOL on the first try." (Bob Mills)

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Q: What are George Michael's favorite baseball teams?

A: The Expos and the Yanks

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A man walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist he wanted to get tattoo. The artists says fine, what would you like?

The man says I would like a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis. The artist could not believe the request and questioned it. "Are you sure you want a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your penis? Why would anyone want that?

The man replies, "There is three reasons why. First of all, I like to handle my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow, and third, my wife can blow the hell out of a hundred dollar bill."

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An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

============================

Confuscious say

"Man who run in front of car get tired"

"Man who run behind car get exhausted"

"Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change"

"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"

"Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."

"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

"Man with hand in pocket is having a ball."

"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."

"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"

"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand"

"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."

"People who make Confusious joke speak bad English."

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Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next door neighbour.

"Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted, "I'm going over and sleep with yours!"

"Go right ahead," was the reply. "The rest will do you good."

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Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up, a male & female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it would appear that the female was much better prepared as she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, a whip & chair. He showed up with a cigar. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said Ladies before Gentleman.

The female asked for her special music to be played and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaps into the cage snarling. The young lady throws aside her whip, flings back her cape and sits on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

Our tiger now circles her sniffing the air and suddenly bounds to her, puts its face between her legs and starts licking. She throws back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears.

The owner looks at the man and says That's quite an act, think you can do better that that.

The man said no problem, Just get that tiger out of the cage!

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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."

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The ABSOLUTE WORST Things To Say To A Police Officer

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

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Why does a dog lick his balls? "BECAUSE HE CAN," yelled the crowd!

No, no, no - that is not the reason at all. A dog licks its balls cause he can't make a fist!

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ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET WINDOWS 95

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then -
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down. Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversion.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
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What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

How in the hell are we gonna find anything thru all this shit?

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MORE ON THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN

Wants And Needs (wontz and nedz) n.

female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's bonnet.

male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.

female: A woman who makes love to other women.

male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Glass Ceiling (glas see-ling) n.

female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.

male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing cricket without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

male: grunt

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Making Love (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

male: What men have to call "bonking" to get women to bonk.

Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 50 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.

female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.

male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

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The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

"All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."

"I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."

"Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team."

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A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."

The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure. But I think I'm not planting them far enough apart."

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"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped!!" - Sam Levenson

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A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

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"If it weren't for my Beautiful Wife, Fantastic Children, and this Wonderful Job, I'd be hunting or fishing right now."

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Q: What do you get when you send Joey Buttafuoco to Harvard?

A: Ted Kennedy.

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Q: What do Hillary Clinton and J. Edgar Hoover have in common?

A: They're both female impersonators.

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New and Improved Chinese Dictionary;

Dung On Mai Shu ------ I stepped in excrement (shit)

Ai Bang Mai Ne --------- I bumped into the coffe table

Fat Ho -------------------- An unattractive woman

Ar U Wun Tu ----------- A gay liberation greeting

Chin Tu Fat ------------- You need a face lift

Dum Gai ----------------- A stupid person

Wel Hung Gai ----------- Is that a banana in your pocket

Won Hung Low --------- Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai

Gun Pao Der ----------- Ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung --------- Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding -------- We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun -------- A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia ---------------- Approach me.

Lao Ze Sho ------------ Gilligan's Island

Lao Zi ------------------ Not very good

Lin Ching -------------- An illegal execution

Ne Ahn ----------------- A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai --------------- A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be ------- A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne -------- A small horse

Ten Ding Ba --------- Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung ------ A person with T.B.

Wa Shing Kah ------- Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim ---------- Are you trying to save electricity

Wai U Shao Ting ---- There is no reason to raise your voice.

Tu Can Chew -------- Sixty-nine.

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If I hear another bulemia joke I'll throw up.

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Celibacy is not hereditary.

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Which brings a question to mind. Every commercial I've seen for female douches states that they are "disposable". Now I may be naive about such things, but why would anyone want to keep them.

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The Year's Best Actual Headlines (yes, they are real)

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

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A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

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Q: Did you hear about that George Michael opened a dry-cleaners in L.A.?

A: All you have to do is drop your pants and jacket off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you catch a unique bird?

A. Unique up on it.

Q. How do you catch a tame bird?

A. Tame way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that." Oh, sure," says Sally, "he snores while I masturbate."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, I?

A: Bo Derek getting older.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he handed in:

1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."

4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."

7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.

9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"

15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"

16. FASCINATE - My girly's titties are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.

17. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"

18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.

19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."

20. DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of bitches on DECIDE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing rockin....

Pa says to Ma ....Screw you Ma a minute goes by.

Ma says to Pa .....Screw you Pa a minute goes by.

Pa says to Ma ... Screw you Ma a minute goes by.

Ma says to Pa.... Screw you Pa another minute goes by.

Pa says to Ma.... Screw you Ma a minute later

Ma says to Pa.... Screw you Pa a couple of minutes go by......

Pa says to Ma: I don't know about you Ma...but I just don't get too much out of this Oral Sex stuff!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Linda McCartney's death will work out great for her sex life.

A. Now she can get eaten by more then one Beatle

Q. Know what the difference is between Rob Pilatus from Milli Vanilli and Linda McCartney?

A. Rob Pilatus could sing if he wanted to.

Q. What's the biggest tragedy about Linda McCartney's death?

A. Yoko's didn't die with her.

Q. What do you call a leech with wings?

A. Linda McCartney

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Dammit! There goes another one!"

Q. Did you hear that researchers have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary?

A. It runs in your jeans.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his bind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen ?

"To tell the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day little Johnnie came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I come from?" Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider.

When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't have to experience it.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I am an escapee of a political correction facility.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fart of the Day

THE MR. CLEAN FART (556B)

His favorite party trick is to fart on wine stains in the carpet to make them disappear. Gorbachev tried to get him over for the stain on his head, but the U.S. State Department wouldn't cooperate with the Russians.

=============================

OK WHO FARTED? FIND YOUR TRUE SELF!

1. The Vain Person: - One who loves the smell of his own farts.

2. The Amiable Person: - One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.

3. The Proud Person: - One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

4. The Shy Person: - One who releases silent farts and then blushes.

5. The Impudent Person: - One who farts loudly and then laughs.

6. The Scientific Person: - One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.

7. The Unfortunate Person: - One who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.

8. The Nervous Person: - One who stops in the middle of a fart.

9. The Honest Person: - One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.

10. The Dishonest Person: - One who farts and then blames the dog.

11. The Foolish Person: - One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

12. The Thrifty Person: - One who always has several farts in reserve.

13. The Antisocial Person: - One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

14. The Strategic Person: - One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.

15. The Sadistic Person: - One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mates head.

16. The Intellectual Person: - One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.

17. The Athletic Person: - One who farts at the slightest exertion.

18. The Miserable Person: - One who would truly love to but can't fart at all.

19. The Sensitive Person: - One who farts and then bursts into tears.

20. The Bruiser: - One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt checks.

FART DEFINITIONS

Note: All farts are divided into two groups: yours and somebody else's.

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?

THE BARN OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic Characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans. THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that

it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its Pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.

THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of there.

THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!

FART IDENTIFICATION

1. The SBD "Silent But Deadly" - Can be defined only by the strange and sudden odor appearing without a sound.

2. Sonic Boom - The name says it all. This is the loudest of them all. Though it often has little smell.

3. The HSS "Hot, Steamy and Smelly" - This is one of the worst. It's the smelliest of them all. The quieter it is...the worse the smell.

4. Sudden Death - Those which can not be predicted nor held for a later time. They are sudden and sometimes smell like you have just shit yourself.

5. Ghost Faced Killer - This one, that kills all life, including plants. This is a mysterious stench. It seems to come from nowhere when no one is around.

6. The Ripple Effect - It is caused by one fart, which in turn causes a whole reaction of smaller more rapid ones.

7. Dear God - An unexplainable noise followed by a bad odor.

8. Holy Shit - When one expects a fart and gets a load of shit. If this should happen to you, do not move, repeat do not move or you will suffer severe drippage.

9. The Mexican Specialty (aka The Montezuma)- this usually follows a meal where Mexican food is present. WARNING AVOID THE WATER AT ALL COST!

10. The Higher Level - This occurs only at great altitudes like at the top of a mountain, or in a plane for example. Rather refined and elegant, as farts go.

==============================

How do you slow down a girl from Arkansas?

Put a governor on her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance!

As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it. But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This old timer is setting on the porch of a saloon. A cowboy comes riding up and hitches his horse to the post, walks behind the horse and kisses its ass. The old timer looks in amazement and says, "Hey Cowboy why the hell did ya' kiss your horse's ass?"

Cowboy: "Well, I have chapped lips"

Old Timer: "So are ya' sayin' that will cure chap lips?"

Cowboy: "Nope ... but it sure keeps me from lickin' em!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems there was a priest who went into the country to pay a visit to a 92-year-old church member. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. He dare not say anything. After tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.

She said "While in town I found a little foil package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease,' and you know I think it works, I haven't had a cold all winter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things you Don't want to hear at a Tattoo Parlor

10. "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

9. "We're all out of red, so I used pink."

8. "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

7. "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."

6. "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."

5. "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."

4. "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."

3. "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

2. "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."

And the #1 worst thing to hear at the tattoo parlor is:

1. Oops

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Microsoft today announced that they are to rename Windows 98 "Windows Diana".

They expect that it too will be superficially attractive, consume lots of resources and crash horribly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Did you hear that George Michael was found dead in his cell?

A: Apparently the cause of death was a massive stroke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

University of Illinois
Entrance exam
Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions- or - give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespear to:
a. build a bridge b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army d. write a play
4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)
8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a. westerners
b. southerners
c. easterners
d. northerners
9. Spell - - Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called George the Sixth. Name the revious five.
11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. The Sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or - spell your name in block letters.
16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. FLORIDA
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math, If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?
20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. STILL WAITING

* YOU MUST HAVE THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS RIGHT TO QUALIFY!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fart of the Day

THE GOODYEAR TIRE TESTER FART (435L)

When the line slows down at the tire factory, out come the pocket pressure guages. Up the rear ends they go, as the quality control guys try to fart past the 55 psi plant record held by Fingas Laszlo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two men on opposite sides of the world have a strange gift that makes them think the exact same thoughts. Now, one day the one man is walking a tightrope while the other man is getting a blowjob by an eighty year old woman. What are the two men both thinking?

"Don't look down."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down?

Almost took out the whole trailer park.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka.

Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

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He asks the farmer for a twenty pound pig. The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds."

He picks up another pig, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around for a few seconds, puts the pig down and declares, "This ones twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can," said the farmer. "Watch this." He calls his son over and asks him to weigh the pig. The boy comes over, picks the pig up, puts the tail in his mouth and swings it around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down and says, "This one weighs twenty pounds."

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer tells his son to go get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returns alone and says, "She can't come out just yet, she's up there weighing the mailman!!

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Larry's barn burned down, and, Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...

Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

Agent: "Whoa there just a minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

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Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in church bulletins:

1. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

2. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

3. Thursday night, potluck supper, prayer and medication to follow.

4. Remember the many in prayer who are sick of our church and community.

5. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

6. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an Ice Cream Social. Ladies giving milk will need to come early.

7. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those women wishing to be Little Mothers, meet with the pastor in his study.

8. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

9. A bean supper will be held in the church hall, Tuesday evening at 6pm. Music will follow.

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Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this... |<---------------------->| is 12 inches.

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What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the

40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

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Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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Confucious Say.....

Man who masturbate in cash register come into money.

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"Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me, d-doc, b-but I have th-th-this st-st-stutter problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could me help m-m-me", said the patient to the doctor.

"Well, take off your clothes, get into this gown and I will check you over and run some tests", replies the physician.

"I-I-I c-c-can't st-stand th-this st-st-stuttering any longer, it-it-it k-k-keeps from get-getting pretty g-g-girls, so do-do it"

Doctor: "F-f-f-fuck off!"

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Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey.

Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar.

The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?"

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Dad: "Such miserable grades are worth a sound thrashing"

Son: "I agree Dad, I know where the teacher lives"

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An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional safe," he suggested!

"Sectional schmectional." she said shrugging."All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

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I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

I'm Glad I'm A Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts

I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west don't get wasted after only 2 beers and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair and I don't go around checking my reflection direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back

I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too

I know what the time is and I know what to do

And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball

It's more fun than dealing with women after all

I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true

I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

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"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

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"How often should I plan to have sex?" the young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.

"Well, how about you and grandma now?" the younger man asked.

Grandpa replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What"s oral sex?"

"Well," said Grandpa, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom.

She yells, "FUCK YOU," and I holler back, "FUCK YOU, TOO."

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Fornigate: "After five years of investigations, special prosecutor Ken Starr has finally found the smoking gun, and apparently it's in Clinton's pants." (Jay Leno)

A recent dinner raised $25 million to preserve White House artwork. The money will replace carpets and broken china. "Sounds like a new dog and an angry wife to me." (Argus Hamilton)

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Q: What are George Michael's favorite baseball teams?

A: The Expos and the Yanks

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A man walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist he wanted to get tattoo. The artists says fine, what would you like?

The man replies, "There is three reasons why. First of all, I like to handle my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow, and third, my wife can blow the hell out of a hundred dollar bill."

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The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

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