Nurse: No change yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend of mine is trying out the new impotence miracle drug Viagra, but he dropped one and his dog ate it. Now the dog's a pointer. (Leno)
Starbucks has a new - Viagra Latte. Guaranteed to keep you up all night. (Leno)
Delta and United Airlines are discussing mergers. Clinton is in favor of the airline mergers - in fact, he wants to merge Virgin with Air Force One. (Leno)
A candy company has come out with Spice Girls lollipops. Now they suck in more ways than one.
Magazines for women have these tips on how to avoid meeting Mr. Wrong -check his medicine cabinet. If he has Beano, Rogaine and Viagra... just keep moving. (Leno)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts ?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.
2. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
4. What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
5. In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.
6. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.
7 Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
8. A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. " Steven Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another reason it's great to be a guy
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always fuck up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his buddy Joe.
Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies: "N-N-Not b-b-bad, b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job."
Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later, they run into each other again, and Joe asks Frank how he made out.
"Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the boss' daughter."
"That's excellent! Congratulations!" replied Joe, and off they went their separate ways. Another two weeks or so pass, and once again Frank and Joe meet on the street.
"Hey, Frank, how's it going?" asks Joe. "Terrible," says Frank. "I'm no longer engaged and I lost my job."
"Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank?"
"Well, the other night I was having dinner at the boss' house and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said "Look, Honey! That's what you do to me," but by the time I finished what I was saying the cat was licking his balls..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the best way to get into a skintight swim suit?
Flattery.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To do this you need two dice. Now take the first one an dput it on your head. Does this remind you of the first time you have had sex? No? Ok well put that one back and take the second dice...put it on your head. Does this remind you of the first time you have had sex? No? ok well take both dice in your hand. Now shake them. Does this remind you of the first time you had sex? (I thought so)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: 25 Rules for women (written by men)
1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us atwork?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship".
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hoursof post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
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When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between a Jewish wife and a gentile wife?
A gentile wife says to her husband: Did you buy any Viagra?
A Jewish wife says to her husband: Did you buy any Pfizer?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taking Viagra is like an attraction at Disneyland. You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist," reported the girl.
"You mean literally--whips and that sort of thing?" asked her roommate.
"Worst than that! The creep screwed me with a four-inch penis and then French-kissed me goodbye with an eight-inch tongue!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me: "It's a phallic symbol."
Blond Secretary in the office: "Ooh! I'd hate to tell you what it looks like!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro.
The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said only once and he replied that that was all it took. Well, he pulled the kid out and held it upside down and slapped it's bottom to make it cry.
"Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"
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Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says,
"That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
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The reason for the tremendous increase in the price of hamburgers is.... they are made from cows outstanding in their fields.
The reason the farmer cut two legs off each cow is... to have lean beef.
The reason the bull refused to inseminate the cows was... he was not in the right mooooood.
The reason the entire herd of cows suddenly stopped giving milk was... they were found to be udder failures.
The reason you should never try to milk a bull is... you can't find the udder end.
The reason I did not tell these cow-ardly jokes before is... I was too sheepish and chicken, and thats no bull.
The reason that the sheep do not get cold in winter is... they are wearing their long wool underwear?
The reason I will not tell you any more farm jokes about sheep is... They are all just too baaaaaad.
The reason the farmer shot his mule... He was horsing around.
The reason the farmer shot his rooster... He started crowing.
The reason why the farmer got so angry... His neighbor always got his goat.
The reason the hen got hit on the head... She did not duck.
The reason I will not tell you even one more cow joke... I have milked this for all it is worth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Miss Muffitt
Sat on her tuffit
Eating her curds and whey,
When along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
Which she promptly killed with a rolled-up newspaper.
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends.
He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A German, a Frenchman, and a Polack were standing on top of a magical cliff. The supposed magic happens when jumping off the and calling out what you want to be. So the German runs and jumps off the cliff calling out "I want to be a Falcon!" He turns into a falcon and flies away. The Frenchman runs and jumps off the cliff calling out "I want to be an eagle!" He turns into an eagle and flies away. The Polack runs and trips on a rock and cries out "Shit!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why don't the Amish water ski?
A. Because the horses would drown.
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Q. What do you think of Flushing, NY?
A. I think it's a great idea.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal exclusively for blacks?
A. It's called Nut 'N Bitch.
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A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor to plow with. The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have threenew ones at the barn" Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing this field with that bull, asked the s the salesman? The farmer replied, "This is part of the bulls continuing education, I am teaching him that there is more to farming than fucking and tearing down fences.
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A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist concludes: "They have reproduced." The mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again!"
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When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
===========================
There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the school's path lab following his classes to do extra work. One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork plugging its rectum. Curious, he removed the cork only to hear, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..." Startled, he replaced the cork. Curiosity soon got the best of him and he, once again, removed the cork. Again, he heard the same tune, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..." He could stand it no more. He replaced the cork, covered the cadaver and raced upstairs to his professor's office. He persuaded the man to accompany him back to the lab. Once there, the student again uncovered the cadaver and displayed the corked rectum. The professor looked unfazed. When the student removed the cork, the same tune emanated, "On the road again, I just..." The professor looked bored and started to walk away. The student was aghast at this casual response. He said to the professor, "Don't you find this amazing?" The professor replied, "Not really, most any asshole can sing country western."
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Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Dear Friend,
We apologize for this inconvenience. If you want to be removed from our mailing list, just send a message to:
Remove-Me@There.Is.No.Fuckin.Way.To.Get.Off.This.Mailing.List.Com
This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in your tomatoes. The season is near at hand!
This is a Fertilizer Club and it will not cost you a cent to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their tomatoes. You will not be the only one there, so don't be embarrassed. Then add your name to the end of this letter, make five copies and send them to five of your friends, who also appreciate beautiful tomatoes.
You will not get any money or checks, but within one week, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,215 people shitting on your tomatoes. Your reward will come next year when you will have the reddest, juiciest tomatoes in the whole neighborhood.
DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!!!!! One man didn't give a shit,.... and he lost his entire tomato patch!
Mr. Harry Butt
Mr. Smelly B. Heinz
235 Corn Cob Alley 476 Diarrhea Way
Mrs. Lucy Bowels
Mr. G. Howie Fartz
28 Bed Pan CT 276 Fertilizer S
Mr. A. Bigger Movement
Mrs. E. Nema
88 Rectum Road 2 Suppository LN
Mrs. Full F. Crap
May I. Schitz
1422 Enema Road 735 Running Loose LN
P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to a friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer had a donkey that was the most placid creature anyone had ever seen. One day, at the country fair, he ran a competition - the first one to make the donkey laugh would get $1000. People queued up with their $5 entry fees, but nobody could make the donkey laugh.
Eventually, just before the fair was about to close, a midget came up to the farmer, plonked down his $5, and whispered something into the donkey's ear. Immediately the donkey burst out laughing, and the farmer had to give the midget all the money he had collected, which was just enough, so he made no profit for the day.
The second day of the fair, the farmer decided to change the rules - the winner had to make the donkey cry. Same as before - people queued up and payed their money, but nobody could make the donkey cry.
Just as the fair was about to close, the midget came back. This time he gave his money to the farmer, then stood in front of the donkey, and dropped his trousers. The donkey immediately started crying.
"Listen," said the farmer, "The money is yours, but I just want to know how you did it yesterday and today."
"Well," said the midget, "Yesterday I told your donkey that my dick was bigger than his. Today I showed him!"
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Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"
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Two Polacks were driving to the east coast via the southern route. When they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out, and started cleaning the restrooms! As they traveled the south they found it difficult to make any real progress as there were many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way. When they finally arrived in Alabama they came across a sign that read "Wanted, two Mexican males for rape", the two Polacks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"
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The maitre d' of a fashionable restaurant looked up and saw three little girls standing in the waiting area. They were dressed in their mother's clothes, had on high-heeled shoes and were wearing lots of make-up. The lunch crowd hadn't started to arrive yet so he decided to treat them like regular guests just to see what they were up to. He seated them at a table and asked what they would like to order. The first little girl ordered a martini, the second one asked for a margarita and the third one said, "I'd like to have a douche...my mother says they're very refreshing."
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ONE MAN'S PERSPECTIVE ON CYBER SEX
Let's face it after 28 years of a happy marriage, there's no way I'm going to cheat on my wife. But if you ever sense you may be getting tempted to stray, don't do it! There is a safe alternative. I suggest a visit to your favorite Chat Room where you can engage in some of that Cyber Sex stuff; I just found out about this last night! I was on Prodigy and I went to this Chat Room. It was named something suggestive, but I can't remember which one it was. It was, "Horny and Bald," or something like that.
OK, so I get in there and, man, these people are talking some real crap back and forth. I can't believe it! Somebody asks, "What's everyone wearing?" And everyone starts responding about what they're wearing. Girls were saying they were wearing silk nighties, leather and lace, or nothing at all -- spikes, all kinds of kinky stuff!!
Well, hell, I was just wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans, and I sort of felt out of place. So I hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife's bra, roller blades, ear muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck.
I finally realize that certain people are asking other certain people if they want to go to a private room and have Cyber Sex. I wasn't quite sure how this whole thing worked, so I asked. Some members of the group explained that you could send another person in the room a private message, and then go to a private room and two members could talk back and forth without anyone else knowing, and that's how you have Cyber Sex. WAY COOL!!!
OK, so I'm waiting, and one by one I keep seeing people ask other people if they want to have Cyber Sex, and they say yeah, "IM me." I found out that "IM" means Immediate Message or something like that. OK, so I wait some more, 'cause I know some really hot cyber chic babe is going to be asking me to have some private cyber sex any minute now. Well, I'm waiting and waiting ... and nothing. I'm thinking, these hot chics must somehow know that I'm a former police officer whose starting to lose my hair. My stomach has gotten so big I haven't been able to find my navel in two years.
They must know that I've been married 28 years, have three kids, and sometimes when I have a choice of making love to my wife or taking a nap,I choose the nap. Hey, I figure I can get some sleep and dream about having sex and kill two birds with one stone. I'm 48 and I'm at that point where my wife makes me have sex at least once a month whether I need to or not.
I'm thinking this Cyber Sex thing will be great because I won't have to get out of breath or get up in the middle to go pee or anything. But no one sends me an invitation to join them. Then I got a brain storm. I wondered if I could send myself a private message. So I tried it, and sure enough I could!
So I sent a message to myself asking me if I wanted to have Cyber Sex. Well, trying to act coy, I reluctantly agreed.
Once I was in the private room I started telling myself what I was wearing ... you know ear muffs, roller blades, and all. Then the next thing I knew I was saying some really lewd stuff to myself. Man, at first I was really embarrassed and on some level offended by the things I was saying to me. But the next thing I knew I was really starting to get turned on.
I was saying things to myself like, "Oh yeah, oh yeah baby, that's it, that's the way I like it, you're the king, you're the king, oh you're a Greek god, you're the chief of police, you're the sheriff, go trooper, ride me like a K9 dog humping the Sergeant's leg, oh god, oh god, cuff me, beat me, call me dirty names, turn on your red light, scream like a siren..."
Man it was really getting hot, and then just when it was really getting good I said something about "my momma." Well, shit, that did it, I just lost it.
I really got pissed off at me, and I started screaming at myself TYPING IN ALL CAPS and shit, and I told myself that I was a no good, insensitive asshole. I came back with a reply that I was nothing but a Cyber Prick Teaser, and then I said I couldn't believe that I would have done something like this with someone as disgusting a pig as me...
Well, to make a long story short I told myself, "Fuck off you Cyber Slut," and I disconnected myself from me. I immediately contacted the AOL Chat moderator and reported that I had been sexually harassed by a disgusting pervert: myself!
God, I am so sick and ashamed of what I did. I never want to talk to myself again. Do you think I cheated on my wife?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the Engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here." "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" the Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alan King once asked George Burns what sex was like for an old guy like him..
"Like shooting pool with a rope.", Burns replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal for impotent husbands?
It's call Nut'n Raisin Honey!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pollock frequents a bar quite often and an Italian man
constantly plays tricks on him. On one recent trip to the bar, the
Italian man asks the Pollock: "You remember Bob, don't you?" to which the Pollock says: "Bob who?"
The Italian guy then says: "Bob up and kiss my ass you dumb Pollock!" and walks off laughing.
Well, the Pollock has had his fill of this mess, and relates the story to a co-worker. After hearing the story, the co-worker says: "I got one for you. The next time you see this guy, ask him if he remembers Aileen. He'll say: "Aileen who?" and you can say: "I lean over and you kiss MY ass you dumb wop."
The Pollock thinks this is great and immediately after work heads for his favorite watering hole. He walks right up to the Italian guy and says: "You remember Aileen, don't you?" to which the Italian guy says " Aileen..... Aileen....Aileen..... you mean the Aileen that's married to Bob?"
And the Pollock says "Bob who?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? - To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you get when you cross a Rooster with a box of M&M's? A cock that melts in your mouth and not in your hand!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID YOU STUPID FUCK!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." n Phyllis Diller
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's Robin's first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the stirrups, and she's scared to death. "The gynecologist says, "You're nervous, aren't you?"
She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist."
He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"
She says, "Please."
He sticks his nose between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John says, "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
She says, "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John says, "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan says, "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John says, "Say, you ARE a good sport."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy walks into a Tatoo shop and tells the tatoo artist that he need to have a perfect $100 bill tatooed on his penis. The artist say to him, "That will be very painful!" The man replies "I don't care..." The artist then says "It will take a long time." "I don't care, I have all the time you need." replies the man. The tatoo artist states "It will cost you a lot of money." "Money is no object! I must have this done" So the artist agrees. Two weeks goes by and the job is complete. The man looks at his penis, it is perfect...you have thought of everything, even the serial number is there.
The Tatoo artists says to the man "usually I don't ask about tatoos, But I have to know why you wanted that done to your penis?"
The man replies "Well, I like to play with my money...I like to watch my money grow...and the next time my wife decides to blow a $100 bucks, she can stay at home an do it!!"
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After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers home-coming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street. "Excuse me," she said "but were you in the war?" "Yah, I was in the infantry." "Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article?" "Nej, I wouldn't mind at all." "When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?" "I fucked my wife." Pekka said bluntly. The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject. "After that. I mean, what did you do after that?"
"I fucked her again." he answered. If possible the journalist turned even more red, and got even more desperate to change the subject. "Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you was finished with all that?!" "Then I unstrapped my skis and my heavy backpack and fucked her again."
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An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories.
Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* I have no idea if cannibalism is still practiced anywhere in the world or not. But it still brings a question to mind. If people who shun all meat are vegetarians, are cannibals then considered to be humanitarians ? - - - - -
* One cannibal tells another, "My wife's not so hot." The other shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Boil her longer." - - - - -
* Two cannibal women are discussing life in general. One says, "I don't know what to make of my husband." The other replies, "Get a new recipe book." - - - - -
* Seated at dinner, the husband murmured, "I don't care for your friend at all." His wife replied, "So, eat your vegetables." - - - - -
* A man believes that he's inclined to be a cannibal and his wife convinces him to go see a psychiatrist. When he returns home later, she asks, "So how was the psychiatrist ?" "Delicious." her husband replied smiling. - - - - -
* Then there was the cannibal who ordered a pizza for a late nite snack with everybody on it. - - - - -
* Pity the poor cannibal who ate his mother-in-law, and damn if she still didn't disagree with him.
========================
Cisco is riding to work on the subway one day. The man across from him keeps staring and staring. Finally, Cisco says, "Look, do you mind not staring at me? It's making me uncomfortable." The other man says, "I'm sorry...My name is Jake. I'm gay, you see, and I think you are the most beautiful man I've ever seen. I was wondering if you'd be interested in going out..."
Cisco chuckled to himself, flattered, and said. "I'm sorry, pal, but I'm a happily married man, and other men just have no appeal for me, but thanks for the offer."
Jake continued, obviously totally smitten by Cisco. Finally, Cisco got fed up and exited the train a stop early, hoping to leave Jake behind, but the gay followed him all the way to his office. It just so happened that Cisco was a successful proctologist, and when Jake saw this, he was totally swept away. He ran upstairs and immediately made an appointment for an examination. When Cisco came in to give the exam, he was surprised, but went ahead with the exam anyway. He was a professional, after all. While Cisco was probing, Jake kept 'ooo'ing and 'aaahhh'ing and moaning with pleasure. Finally, Cisco got totally disgusted and ordered Jake to leave, because there was nothing wrong, and not to come back unless something was...
Well, a few weeks went by, and Jake showed up in the office again. Cisco tried to throw him out, but Jake insisted he had a legitimate problem. Cisco finally agreed to perform an exam. When Jake pulled his pants down, Cisco was shocked.
"My GOD! You have a dozen roses stuck in your ass!!!" He shouted.
And Jake replied "READ THE CARD! READ THE CARD!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One sperm was swimming next to another sperm. It said to the other sperm," Have we reached the fallopian tubes yet?" The other sperm replied, "No, we've just entered the esophagus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you get when you cross Viagra & Rogaine?
A: Don King!
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Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
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There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss leaves and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start the next morning. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss, so he shuts the door and leaves.
The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking about going home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he says, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but four rights don't get you anywhere.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be darn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel P(e)ace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that no one will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: You gonna eat that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first he had to provide a urine sample
. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed.
Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?"
"The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked. "No," the doctor replied.
"It's the urinalysis." He explained that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon.
Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup.
Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking with his wife about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have some fun with the doctor. Ray peed in the bottle, and so did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the garage door, Ray had another idea.
He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, and then beat off and added a few more drops. Then he shook up the bottle, drove to the doctor and handed the bottle to the nurse.
This time the analysis took an entire hour. When Ray sat down, the doctor looked at him. "I've got some bad news for you," he said. "Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 COMMON FISHING TERMS EXPLAINED
Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.
Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that damn line" for once again losing the fish.
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What's the difference between hard and dark?
It stays dark all night.
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Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than
Uhhhh...ohhh...Ahhhhhhhh...AIEEEEE!!
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There are many words you could use to describe men today. You could say they are charming, strong, caring.... You would be wrong, but you could say them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?
The wrinkles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job?
The view.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I once went on a vacation with an absolutely gorgeous guy. As we flew down to Mexico, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We wanted to fly United, but the flight attendant wouldn't let us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My brother-in-law is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine. He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's such a shame. He was the best veterinarian in town.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why did the judge dismiss the Paula Corbin Jones case?
A: No one could figure out how a woman with a 6-inch nose could give head to a man with a 3-inch penis.
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For Sale by Owner:
Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica Excellent condition, but no longer needed; Fucking wife knows everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO."
The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds. "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
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There was a young fellow from Sparta. A really magnificent farter. On the strength of one bean He'd fart "God Save the Queen," And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion, His fart to suit any occasion. He could fart like a flute, Like a lark, like a lute, This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta, His fart for no money would barter. He could roar from his rear Any scene from Shakespeare, Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer, As he showed me one day in the diner. I had a bagel with lox while played from his buttocks: Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter, And fizzle a fine serenata. He could play on his anus The Coriolanus: Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata, He could double-stop fart the Toccata, He'd boom from his ass Bach's B-Minor Mass, And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager With an envious German named Bager, He'd proceeded to fart The complete oboe part Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz, He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas. With a good dose of salts He could whistle a waltz Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare He rendered quite often, with power to spare. But his great work of art, His fortissimo fart, He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform The William Tell Overture Storm, But naught could dishearten Our spirited Spartan, For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style, And he farted it through with a smile, Then, feeling quite jolly, He tried the finale, Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit, But it did not dismay him one bit, Then, with his ass thrown aloft He suddenly coughed... And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta, Where they buried the rest of our farter, With a gravestone of turds Inscribed with the words: "To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
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Jack and Jill went up the hill they each had a dollar and a quarter when they came down Jill had two and a half they didn't go up for water
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The boy's clothing shop was giving away balloons to customers. One little fellow asked if he might have two. "Sorry," the clerk said, "but we give only one balloon to a child. Do you have a brother at home ?"
The youngster was always truthful, but he wanted another balloon badly. "No," he replied regretfully, "but my sister does, and I'd like one for him."
=========================
This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair.
The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said: "What was that for?".
The old lady said: "That was for 50 years of bad sex."
A couple minutes later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady out of her chair.
She got up and said: "What was that for?"
The old man said: "That's for knowing the difference."
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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got this big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."
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A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did." "Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."
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A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... I give the missus a quick one, and then go to work.
On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.
Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls.
At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking.
For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches.
Then at night, I give the missus another screw......
"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"
The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
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A lady asked her husband for permission to get her breasts enlarged. He said to her, "I know the best way to enlarge them without any surgery and it's free. Rub toilet paper between your tits for 3 months everyday and that should work". So, for 3 month the lady followed her husbands instructions. After the third month, the lady said "It's not working". Her husband replied, "Well it sure worked wonders on you ass."
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I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.
I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard
I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
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At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out, "Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward. "Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"
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****** You're Probably Aged 25 to 35 If... ******
* You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
* You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.
* You're starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
* You did the LeFreak with Chic.
* "All-skate, change directions" means something to you.
* In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
* You wore anything Izod, especially collar "up," or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
* You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
* You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
* You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.
* Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
* You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
* You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.
* There was nothing to question about Bert n' Ernie living together.
* Knickers and leg warmers were cool.
* You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.
* You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.
* You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding.
* You know who shot J.R.
* This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
* You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.
* You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.
* You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
* You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
* Two Words: Feathered hair
* Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.
· The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
3. The Entertainers
Woody Allen: (1) I mean, it was, it was... a chicken... of legal consenting age. It wasn't like it was my REAL daughter or anything. The heart wants what it wants. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)
(2) There is a cultural advantage to crossing the road.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Jack Benny: (1) I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking
(2)She was no spring chicken.
Ed Byrnes: (Kookie): To borrow my comb.
James Cagney: He crossed twice. The dirty double-crosser.
Eddie Cantor: To make whoppie
Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon:.
Johnny Carson: Let me tell you, it was so cold at that farm...
Ed McMahon: How cold was it?
Johnny Carson: It was so cold, that the chickens were mugging the sheep to get wool for sweaters!
Cheech (or Chong): Just to be there, man.
Julia Child: Obviously the chicken tried to cross the road to get away from the likes of meself and my impeccably sharp cleaver!!! Take that, bird!! Wack!
John Cleese: (1) Because it was very silly.
(2) This isn't a chicken license, you know! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.
(3) This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken.
(4) Manuel from Barcelona: "Que? " Basil: "You know, a chicken crossing the road...." Manuel: "Que?" Basil: [looking it up in a dictionary], "Un Pollo..." Manuel: (interrupting) "No, No we out of chicken.." * WHAP!!*
Alastair Cooke: Good Evening, and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight, we present the epic British drama "How The Chicken Went," based on the 1843 novel by Herbert T. Poultry, and adapted for the screen by Joanna Drumstick. Starring Susan Hampshire as the Chicken, and Anthony Hopkins as the evil and unrepentant diner, Borstrom, this elegant period piece explores the mores and morality of a society in which ordinary chickens had to face their destiny of crossing the road to meet their fate at the hands of the monied upper classes, regardless of their own ambitions or desires...
Rodney Dangerfield: I get no respect. I've been crossing the road since 1989.
James Dean: (1) Life is so short. It wanted to experience as much as possible in as short a time as possible.
(2) To prove he wasn't chicken.
Clint Eastwood: Cross. Go ahead. Make my day.
W. C. Fields: The only good chicken is a dead chicken.
Peter Finch: He's mad as hell and is not going to take this any more.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
Greta Garbo: It vanted to be alone.
Yuel Gibbons: Because that's where the vegetarians live!
Hugh Grant: He was up to his old tricks.
Buddy Hackett: 'Cause there was a cook behind her trying to shove a rotisserie skewer up her behind!
Arte Johnson: To get a Walnetto.
Graham Kerr: What! "Chicken Crossing The Road"...not without a fine white wine and a cup of heavy cream.
Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.
Michael Lerner When I was the leading chicken's rights activist in the 60's, I actively studied the question. In the politics of meaning, no chickens will have to cross the road if they don't want to...
Jerry Lewis: For my kids.
Marcel Marceau: ...
Shirley MacLaine: After I was hatched from an egg in 1703, I recall having to cross the road.
Chico Marx: It couldn't. It was a rubber chicken.
Groucho Marx: (1) Chicken. You said the secret word and have won $100.00
(2) Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
(3)The club on that side of the road wanted him to join.
(4) This morning I shot a chicken in my pyjamas -- and lemme tell ya, that chicken ran out of my pyjamas in a second!.
Harpo Marx: Honk! Honk! Honk!
Jackie Mason: Whaddaya want, it should just stand there?
Jack Nicholson: 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
Marlin Perkins, on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom: Watch, as the chicken mauls Jim yet again..
Monty Python: For Something Completely Different
Mr. Rogers: It wanted to be my neighbor!
Arnold Schwartznegger: It vill be back.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone think to ask "What the heck was the chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Red Skelton: He was a baaaad boy.
Jerry Springer: Next, chickens who bare their breasts at cock fights.
Dionne Warwick: Now even chickens can call for their free 10 minute reading. "your sign is coming into the 3rd house of Peterbuilt, I see you crossing a path of some sort, there are lines on the path. . .umm. . . your lucky number is 14 (click!)"
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Flip Wilson: The devil made her do it.
Oprah Winfrey: To avoid mad-cow disease
Jonathan Winters: It didn't. It was too chicken.
Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is,
"Don't tell the butcher!" -Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MAN / WOMAN
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity *****
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. *****
We put the "k" in "kwality"
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A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant.
When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!
She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!
She responds, "But why are you masturbating?"
One of the three says, "Because menu say 'First Come, First Served'!"
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Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Rollo while you re waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through--and over the rail of the balcony. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she gu ed.
Paul panicked. "To tell the truth," he said, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
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* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
· Black holes are where God divided by zero.