A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole
and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull
him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be
found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some
rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his
friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and
the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and
get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the
hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my
'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to
safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
===================
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
=====================
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store.
In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked
the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make
today?" "One," said the young salesman "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 to 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small
fish hook,
then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge one. I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a
boat, so
I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty six
foot
schooner with twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably
wouldn't be
able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the
new
Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to
a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for
his wife
and I said to him, "Your weekend is shot, you might as well go
fishing."
====================
Subject: Chemical Engineering
This is forwarded from a OU graduate, citing one of Dr.
Schlambaugh's final test questions for his final exam of 1997.
Dr.
Schlambaugh of the U. of Oklahoma Chemical Engineering Dept. is known
for asking questions on his finals like: "Why do airplanes fly?"
In May 1997, the "Momentum, Heat, and Mass Transfer II" final
exam question was: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your
answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant. [A1]
So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. [A2]
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during freshman year, that, "It'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [A2] cannot be true.....thus, Hell is exothermic. The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
=========================
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am." He then asked her what she was.
She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the moring I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later a city guy sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, until about 10 minutes ago..... but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
=====================
Roberts is out in the country with his new bride. They watch as a bull comes over the rise and bangs six cows in a row, one after the other. His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that." He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every time."
==========================
Schick is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical.
Schick says, "Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball." The executive types, "Where is my father?"
The crystal ball answers, "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The executive says to Schick, "I knew this was bullshit. My father's been dead for twenty years."
The inventor says, "Ask the question in a different way."
The executive types in, "Where is my mother's husband?"
The computer answers, "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
========================
Broder has tried to get his wife to blow him his entire married life,
but she's never given in.
He's tried again and again, but she's always said no. He's begged, and
pleaded, but she's
always insisted that she'd rather die a horrible, twisted death than to
ever do it.
One night,
the argument gets very heated, and after hours of screaming, yelling,
crying, ranting and
raving, she finally gives in and agrees that he deserves a little
variety. She takes his peter in
her hand, and then slowly starts to put it in her mouth. Just as she
gets her lips over the
head, the phone rings, and Broder answers it.
He says, "Hello? Yeah, she's home."
He looks down at her and says, "It's for you, cocksucker."
=====================
The Top 8 Sexual Jokes of all time!
No. 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
nothing
will."
No. 7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated
next
to
an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks
her about
it
and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It
identifies
that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
men
have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's
yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
No. 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over
and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
No. 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his
penis into
the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to
talk
about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was
seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember
that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into
the
pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
No. 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a
coma
for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left
breast
instead
of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The
man
runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and
suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any
reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan
from
his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says
this
is
amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the
man
should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it
is
a
personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The
man
goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet
and
tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to
which
the man replies: "She choked."
No. 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts
the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll
make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll
then
open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute,
the
man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top
of
its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his
free
drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another
offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush
fell
over
the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A
woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with
the
beer bottle".
No. 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices
a
huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks
down
upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch
dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the
small
white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him
and
asks
the small white guy. "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The
big
black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The
small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn
around.'"
No. 1
Q) What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
A) "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft."
========================
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the
have evening off to do as he pleased since they would be
out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner.
After an hour an a
half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored
and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for
the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more
hours to meet some very important people who were his new
business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread
out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively.
She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear, "Take off my dress..."
"Now take off my bra.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
===================
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about
this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large
overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the
doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
========================
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady
limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them
and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
=======================
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien,
annoyed
by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his
ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger
him...!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge
explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where
they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the
other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us!
But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw with him!"
==================
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road,
drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer
drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their
beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels
on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been
drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
======================
Remember, it's your imagination. The only things mentioned are candy bars!!
> THE CANDYWRAPPER
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey
standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue
when I
whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to
Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
=====================
Actual Phone Answering Machine Messages
* My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
* Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone = right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
* A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
* Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
* (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
* Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
* Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
========================
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
========================
An Analytical View On The Strengths Of Consuming Beer
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo,
and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest
members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know,
kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of
beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine.
The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and
validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering
performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving
university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the
performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the
strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the
intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological
edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars!
Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your
peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.
Be all that you can be.
====================
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pinecones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced
the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of
cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey
flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and
Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and
shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
====================
THE EVOLUTION OF THE MATH PROBLEM
1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is 4/5 of this price.
What is his profit?
1970 (Traditional): A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in
other words, $80.
What is his profit?
1970 (New Math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a
set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100 and each element
is worth a dollar. Make a square array of 100 dots to represent
the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production
contains 20 fewer elements than set M. Represent set C as a subset of
set M and answer the following question:
What is the cardiniality of set P of profits?
1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment is to underline the number 20.
1990 (Outcome-based destreamed integrated Math): By cutting down
beautiful forest trees, an environmentally ignorant logger makes
a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a
living?
In your group, use role play to determine how the
forest birds and squirrels feel.
========================
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
=========================
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so thought he'd become a mechanic.
So he went along to mechanics school. The final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously putting it back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job, by the way. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then, I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
==================
There are three men sitting at the counter of a diner. They all noticed a man that looked like Jesus sitting across the room, so the first man tells the waitress to put his meal on my tab. The second man then spoke up and said, "Well then, please get that man a dessert and put it on my tab." The third man, not wanting to be feel stupid, told the waitress, "Get that man a drink and put it on my tab."
So the waitress went over to the man who looked like Jesus and told him about the three men across the room who wanted to take care of his dinner. The man that looked like Jesus then got up and walked over to the three men and touched the first man's back and said, "Thank you my son!" The man's face lit up and he said, "Unbelieveable, my back doesn't hurt anymore!" Then the man that looked like Jesus touched the second man on the arm. The man jumped out of his seat and yelled, "My arm, my arm, the pain in my arm is completely gone!" Then the man that looked like Jesus reached over to touch the third man, but the man jumped up and screamed... "Don't even think about - just go away - I'm on full disability!"
===================
A woman goes into a petshop to buy her boyfriend a pet. Upon looking around, she gets a little frustrated because all of the animals in the store are out of her price range. After she complains to a clerk, he tells her not to worry. "We have a bullfrog in the back for $50". "$50 for a fucking frog! Are you kidding?" "It's a special frog. It gives blowjobs". SOLD! She takes said beasty home to its lucky new owner who is, not surprisingly, delighted with his gift.
In the middle of the night, the girlfriend is awakened by a commotion in the kitchen. She walks in to find her boyfriend and his new pet looking over a pile of cookbooks at the kitchen table. "What the hell are you two doing in here at this hour?" She inquires. The boyfriend looks up and replies, "If this little guy can cook, your ass is out of here".
===============================================
A young man wanted to buy a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note...romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister bought a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it off to his sweetheart along with this note: Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate color, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart,I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on friday night.
All my love, Chris
P.S. The latest style in to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
===================
At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
========================
A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
======================
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: ....extreme look of shock...
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" .......pointing at New Zealander
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds
me great food, and takes me to the lake
once a week to play."
New Zealander: ....look of disbelief....
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: ...extreme look of shock...
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" ...pointing at New Zealander....
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps
me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."
New Zealander: ...total look of amazement...
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."
===================
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
======================
Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say 'How about a little ?' She always pretends to be asleep."
=======================
The Porsche and the Moped A self-important young man goes out and buys the best car available, a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. They cost $100,000." "That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be" thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."
=======================
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture-of handcuffs.
======================
A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite.
The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V. The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city. He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune. He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened it to find the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walked into the room. The guy went to the bar and fixed two drinks; he gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself. "Now, down to business," he began, "how much for a hand job?" The hooker said, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What, that's outrageous!" he said.
"Come over here," she said walking towards one of the windows, "see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good. " "All right, screw it, money is no object," our lonely friend replied.
A half hour after she's done, the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and made two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?" She replied, "Honey, a blow job is $5,000." "What, that's outrageous!" he exclaimed. "Come over here," she said walking towards another one of the windows, "see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "Oh, all right, screw it, money is no object," he said, giving her $5 grand.
An hour after she's done, the guy was laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He got up, barely able to stand, staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself. "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?" The hooker looked at him and replied, "Honey, if I had a pussy, I would OWN this whole city!"
======================
MONKEY BUSINESS
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store and tells the proprietor that he is thinking of buying a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. "The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer."Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. "3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
=====================
"Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tyre iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tyre iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'" Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."
======================
While cleaning our closet I found a shoe box filled with a vast amount of money and six eggs. I asked my wife about the box and she confessed, " I have kept this box since we were first married",she said. She continued, "Every time you (she meant me) made a mistake I put an egg in the box".....I thought , six eggs in the box, that is about right.... "that would explain the eggs but what about all the money ?" I asked. She continued, "every time I had a dozen eggs I sold them".
======================
Sex Pills "Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay."
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too.."
========================
WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson
Aig - what a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Paints - what cha put on your laigs of a mornin
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out
Cheer - what you set in
Crick - a small stream
Clum - he sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
Chiny - country over in Asia
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Cyow - Animal on Farm
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
Dainz - Satidy night social
Ellum - A graceful tree
Fanger - what you put your rang on
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
Far - what get the brandin arn hot
Furred - He got furred from his job
Flar - a rose is a purdy flar
Frash - them aigs ain't frash
Furiners - All non-'bamans
Further - hits ten miles further to town
Grain - She was grain with envy
Hail - where bad folks go
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in
his mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly - People in the next county
Hollar - whats between the hills
Hard- got a brend new hard
hand Tar - his core blew a tar
Laymun - a sour fruit
Laig - Most folks have two of them
Lather - what you climb up
Liberry - where you go to check out books for larnin
Mailk - what you get from cyows
Mere - what you see your self in
Minners - Live bait
Misrus - Married Woman
Nar - Opposite of wide
Nayk - Your head sets on it
Nup - NO
Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
Ormy - What the sojers go in
Pank - a light red color
Parch - sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
Petition - What separate the rooms
Poke - a paper bag or sack
Pokey - what the shurf and deppity
puts crimnals in
Poke Salit -a green vegetable
Puppet - what the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Purt near - almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
Rang - you wear it on your fanger
Rut - that there tree sure has long ruts
Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
Rainch - A big cow farm
Rat - Do it rat now!
Rench - rench the soap yourself
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Soardeens - small canned fish
Shar - A light rain
Gully Worsher - a medium heavy rain
Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody
Pop - a soft drink
Sprang - Water out'n the ground
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Storch - this here aprn has to much storch in it
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho -tho me the ball
Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
War - a bobbed war fance
Worsh - go worsh your face
Warter - what you worsh your face in
Yurp - a continent overseas
=====================
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. BOOM! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
====================
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
====================
One farmer had three daughters. He was so over-protective for them that anytime anybody would show up at his door he'd take his shotgun with him. So one Saturday night the bell rings. Farmer goes to the door and asks "Who is this?" The answer comes "Hi, I am Joe! I am here for Flo! We are going to the show! Is she ready to go?" Farmer doesn't care much about the poetry, but calls in his daughter and lets her go.
So the bell rings again. Once again farmer asks "Who is this?" "Hi, I am Freddy! I am here for Betty! We are going for spagetti! Is she ready?" So farmer calls in his second daughter and tells her she can go.
Now the bell rings for the third time. Once again, farmer goes to the door and asks "Who is this?" The answer comes: "Hi, I am Chuck!" Farmer shoots the guy.
=====================
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
=================
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey-I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
====================
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later than that and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly.....Peter Peter, something or other."
=======================
CLASSROOM
DAY1
MISS ANDERSON WENT TO A CLASSROOM TO CONDUCT HER LESSON,UPON
ENTERING,SHE
SAW THE DRAWING OF A DICK AT THE CORNER OF THE CHALKBOARD,AND THE
STUDENTS
WERE SNIGGERING ..SHE ERASES IT WITHOUT A WORD.
DAY2
SHE NOTICED THAT THE DRAWING WAS BACK & NOW TOOK UP HALF THE BOARD...AND
THE STUDENTS WERE LAUGHING AGAIN ..
SHE ERASES IT.
DAY3
THE DRAWING NOW TOOK UP THE ENTIRE BOARD. THE STUDENTS WERE LAUGHING
THEIR
HEADS OFF...
MISS ANDERSON WAS PUZZLED.. SHE ASKS THE CLASS.." WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE
LAUGHING SO MUCH??"
ONE OF THE STUDENTS CAN'T HELP IT ANYMORE & SAYS...
" THE MORE YOU RUB,THE BIGGER IT GETS. . . . "
====================
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one".
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. "Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"
=====================
A long time ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew found themselves in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and then lead the crew in battle with the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
=======================
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair ,and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody."
========================
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name." Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."
=========================
A man who smelled like a brewery distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
=========================
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit"!
========================================
TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring Beer.
=========================
Subject: Gore and the Clintons
Vice President Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly coifed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
========================
Virtual Hilarity
========================= A man was driving home one afternoon, and he was driving
above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its
red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can
outrun this guy.", so he floors it and the race is on.
The cares are racing down the highway --- 60, 70, 80, 90
miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100,
the guy figures "What the heck?", and gives up and pulls
over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches
the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had
a really lousy day and I just want to go home. Give me
a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago,
my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your
cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that
officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
==================== A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators
gathersaround.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A
policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man
of God of anykind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at
least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty
years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the
Catholic litany.Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to
where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the
injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
============================
The flannel nightshirt my mother gave me as a gift had white
clouds on a blue background and was very modest. My husband,
an avid computer user, told me I looked sexy. "In this?" I
asked in disbelief. "Yeah," he replied. "It reminds me of
the logo for Microsoft Windows."
============================
A daydreaming student was stunned out of his trancelike
state when his computer instructor interrupted class to say,
"Kevin, are you still with us?" Refocusing, Kevin replied,
"Yes sir. I guess I was just in screen-saver mode."
Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already
gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you
looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular?
Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as
I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like
them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl
who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get
together. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One
that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom.
My mother loved her, they became fast friends." So do I owe
you a Mazel Tov? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
======================= 1. My mother taught me about logic--like, "If you fall off
that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store
with me."
2. My mother taught me medicine--like, "If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
3. My mother taught me esp--like, "Put your sweater on;
don't you think I know when you are cold?"
4. My mother taught me to meet a challenge--like, "Where's
your brother and don't talk with food in your mouth. Answer
me!"
5. My mother taught me humor--like "When that lawnmower cuts
off your toes, don't come running to me."
6. "Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"
==================
Children's Views on Love
How do people in love typically behave?:
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall
down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, age
8
"All of a sudden the people get movies fever..... >>
..so they can sit together in the dark." Sherm, age 8
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you:
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ...
and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel,
age 9
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might
get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's
something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for
me." Bart, age 9
How to make love endure:
=========================
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because
they paid good money for them."
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk
down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
Confidential Opinions About Love:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen
when 'Dinosaurs is on television."
"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.
I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the
girls keep finding me."
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth
grade hard enough." Regina,
===========================
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one
day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a
positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a
double negative is still a negative. However, there is
no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
======================
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God they obviously couldn't foreword it to him so they opened it and read it. They then decided to send it to the president.
When the president received it, he read it and was so impressed and touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
Some time later, the Government's check to the little boy arrived. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which reads as follows:
Dear God,
=======================================
The Christmas train story
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in her kitchen, listening to her son play with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "all of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on , get your asses on the train because we are leaving."
The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now you go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language!"
Two hours later, the son came out of his room and resumed playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under the seat. Remember, there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"
===========================================
A big city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off
his phony $18 bill would be in some small hick southern
town. So he got into his new "wheels" and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the
store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind
the counter. "Can you change this for me please?" he asked.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then
smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so Mister. Ya want 2
nines or 3 sixes?"
============================
Once there was a very smart little boy. He always got A+ in
English, Social Studies, and Science..but in Math, he always
got an F. His parents got him a private tutor, signed him up
for an after-school program with the Math teacher, but
nothing helped. He still got F's.
One day the boy's mother suggested that they register him in
a Catholic school. She thought, slower teaching, smaller
classes, maybe this will help him do better. So they sent
him to Catholic school.
At the end of the first marking period, the A+'s came in
every subject. Where the subject Math was listed, the boy's
parents were delighted..it was an A+!
"Son," the boys father said, "How come in the other schools
you went to, you didn't do this well, and now in Catholic
school you have an A+?"
"Well," said the little boy, "at first I wasn't sure this
school was gonna help much. But when I saw the guy nailed to
the plus sign above the door, I knew they meant business!!" ===========================
A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks,
"Wow this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even
moving." Noticing a police officer walking down the high-
way between the cars, the man rolls down his window and
says, "Excuse me officer...what's the holdup?"
"It's O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's
lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to
douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire because
he doesn't have the $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm
walking around taking up a collection for him." The man
says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
The cop replied, "So far....10 gallons."
============================
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag
their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del,
age 6
"Don't forget your wife's name ... that will mess up the
love." Erin, age 8
Gavin, age 8
John, age 9
Jill, age 6
Floyd, age 9
Dave, age 8
age 10
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.00