The man's nextdoor neighbor saw the woman battling with the mower and shouts across the fence, "You pathetic excuse for a man! You're just sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody well hung." "I am." the man shouts back.
"That's why she's doing the grass."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was always broke until I finished school, got a job and had kids.
But now,... I'm totally busted!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the others manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?" The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco." The other boy exclaimed "Well no wonder, that's shortening."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don and his new friend Arty were having a drink together, and were talking about their respective married lives. I had sex with my wife before we were married," said Don, "did you?" "Gee, I don't know," answered Arty. "What was your wife's maiden name?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GOLDWYNISMS
Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions and Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English language. Here are some of my favorite Goldwynisms:
"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
"In two words, impossible."
"Include me out"
"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."
When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."
When told he couldn't film Radclyffe Hall's "The Well of Loneliness" because it dealed with lesbians, he replies, "All right, where they got lesbians, we'll use Austrians."
"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."
"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."
"You fail to overlook the crucial point."
"For your information, just answer me one question!'
"Its absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."
"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."
"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."
"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, it seems that this guy was walking along a California beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him!
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The man paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from California to Hawaii! I wish for a road to be built from San Francisco to Hawaii."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement! That's too much to ask."
"OK," the man said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychiatrist. "Make me understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed. "Did you want two lanes or four?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police recently arrested former 'Wham' lead singer George Michael on charges of 'performing a lewd act' in a men's washroom. The nature of the said act was not revealed by police other than to say that Michael was alone at the time.
Michael was quoted as saying he will not need an attorney and will take matters into his own hands because the evidence will not stand up in court.
I have to wonder now if when George Michael was singing 'I Want Your Sex' the answer was usually 'No' or if he was serenading the hand that was holding the microphone.
In related news, George Michael announced his engagement to 'Thing' from the Adams family. Pee Wee Herman is rumored to be the Best Man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly Jewish couple in a retirement community were surprised by a knock on their door late one night. The husband gets up to answer the door, only to find a huge and intimidating man at the door.
"Oh, this is terrible, I'm going to be robbed and lose all my money!" the old man screamed.
"I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust. "I am a rapist!"
"Oh, thank goodness!" said the old man with much relief. Then he shouted to his wife, "Barbara, it's for you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do you call a woman without an asshole?
A. Divorced.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doesn't Clinton realize that a cover-up always gets you in more trouble than whatever you did in the first place? He should have just opened up, come clean, and taken his licks...Oops, I guess maybe he's already done that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why is life like a penis?
A. Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scots man was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath.
"What's underneath your kilt?",
she asked him.
"Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcoming her, she lifted the kilt then let it go, "Oh, it's gruesome!"
"Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew-some more."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A beggar walked up to a blonde shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stan and Ollie were sitting at a bar, drinking beer, when a woman came over and sat beside Stan. The women winked seductively at him, and, feeling a tad hot under the collar, Stan turned to Ollie. "I think she likes me," he said from the side of his mouth. "What do I do next?" Taking a sip of beer, Ollie whispered, "I've always found the direct approach best. Show her your nuts." Turning to the woman, Stan promptly stuck out his tongue and crossed his eyes!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER. Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - on which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
If you want us to take out the garbage, you have to let us pack the car.
The quarterback who just got pummelled isn't trying to be brave, he's just not crying. Big difference.
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying, 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.
When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
Silence does not need to be filled.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, you can't have the remote control.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are like:
buttons - they're always popping off at the wrong time
caterpillars - they got where they are by a lotta crawling
character actors - when they show any character, they're acting
colds - you can never get rid of the bad ones in a hurry
cookies - underneath, most are just plain crumbs
crowbars - they're not much to crow about, but that doesn't bar anything
crystal - some look real good, but you can still see right thru them
drips - you can hear them, but you can't turn them off
dry cleaners - most work fast and leave no ring
fish - they keep getting into trouble when they can't keep their mouths shut
flowers - they're often potted
goats - they just love to butt in
instant coffee - easy to make
lilac - most can lie like anything
magicians - they can turn almost anything into an argument
rivers - the largest part is their mouths
theories - they hardly ever work
trucks - so much of the time, they have a load on
wheelbarrows - they all need to be pushed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine. "Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the salesman. "How many cows will you be milking?"
"Just one," says the farmer.
"Oh," says the salesman. "Well, sir, I really wouldn't recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards."
"I said . I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly.
"Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want. Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman. The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks one out, and reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he only has one cow.
After he's rung up the sale, the salesman's curiosity gets the best of him. "Sir, if you don't mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I've said?"
"Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter."
"Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some." Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said...
...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."
...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." He said...
...A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."
...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...
=========================
A little boy and his parents are at the circus. The father goes to get some popcorn just when the elephant show starts. The little boy points and asks his mother "Mommy, what's that?"
To which his mother replies. "That's an elephant."
The boy says "I know that. I mean that."
And the mother says "That's his trunk."
And the boy again says "I know that, I mean that."
The mother looks again to where he is pointing and says "That's its tail."
But the boy is not happy with that answer either. He points again and says "No Mommy, that."
The mother looks again and understands. "Oh that, that's nothing."
A few moments pass and the father returns with the popcorn and the mother runs off to the restroom. The little boy points and asks his father "Daddy, what's that?"
To which his father replies. "That's an elephant."
The boy says "I know that. I mean that."
And his father says "That's his trunk."
And the boy again says "I know that, I mean that."
The father says "That's its tail."
The boy points one last time and says "No Daddy, that."
His father looks to his son and says "That's it's penis."
To which the boy says "Mommy says it's nothing."
The father leans back in his seat and sighs a bit and says "I've spoiled that woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old gentleman in a nursing home placed a sigh on his door that announced "STUD SERVICE". Within a few minutes and old lady seeing the sign went into his room and asked, "How much do you charge?". To which he replied, '$5.00 on the floor, $10.00 on the couch, $20.00 on the bed". The lady gave him a $20.00 bill. He asked, "One on the bed"?. No, replied the lady, "four on the floor".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mommy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear."
"Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?"
"The police, dear."
"Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mommy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mommy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This girl walks into a hardware store as she needs a new hinge for a door at home. As she brings it to the counter, the clerk asks, "Wanna screw for that hinge?" To which she replies, "No, but I'll suck you off for that toaster on the top shelf."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Mexican, Polack, Black, Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The other day," said the woman to the psychiatrist, "I happened to see my son and the little girl next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."
"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the shrink, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."
"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my son's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE GIRL'S NIGHT OUT FART (75I)
After a night out with the girls, drinking beer and watching the male strippers, you let this monster go, and it blows the feet out of your pantyhose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba's Computer Glossary
LOG ON: Makin the stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood offen the truck.
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcher back gets from carryin to much farwood.
RAM: That thang that splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
WINDOWS: What to shut when its cold outside.
SCREEN: What to shut when its black fly season.
BYTE: What them black flies do.
CHIP: Munchies for the TV.
MICRO CHIP: What's left in the munchies bag.
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Old man Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the cat sits.
KEYBOARD: Whar the keys to the John Deere is kept.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic knives and forks.
MOUSE: What eats the grain.
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf.
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
ENTER: Northerner talk for "Come on in, y'all".
MOUSE PAD: Hippie talk for rat hole.
BUG: The reason you give for callin in sick.
CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.
TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH: Whan you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE: Female Disco dancer.
FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smokin.
INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers put ther hair.
MAC: Favorite fast food.
NETWORK: Scoopin up the big fish afore it breaks the line.
ON LINE: Whar to stay whan takin a sobriety test.
ROM: Whar the Pope lives.
SERIAL PORT: Red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPER CONDUCTOR: Amtrak's employee of the year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The wife comes home to her husband after having been to the doctor. "How did you get on at the doctors then ?" asks the husband sympatheticaly. "Not very well at all" replies the wife, "The doctor said I had a nice pussy $
"He said what.... Are you sure he said that ?" "Yes, he said I had a nice pussy" replies the wife indignantly. So the husband has steam coming out his ears and says he's going to sort the doctor out in the morning.
The next morning the husband's at the front of the queue in the doctors office. He barges in and demands to know why he had been speaking so personally to his wife. "You said my wife has a nice pussy and I'm going to belt you for it !" "I did not say that to your wife" denies the doctor, "That would be against a doctors moral and ethical practice." "Look, If my wife says you said it, then you said it. Now I'm going to take you outside and beat the shit out of you for saying that." "Wait, wait, wait, wait" cries the doc, "Give me a minute and I'll go and check my medical records" Two minutes later the doctor returns, "NO I didn't say your wife had a NICE PUSSY, I said she had ACUTE ANGINA !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn. Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantle and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table "Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, her it is, Mike. Do you like it? "And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it? "Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's that blow job I was promising you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A highly timid Casper Milquetoast, a little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "................ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bullshit!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps next to him, and drinks what he was staring at. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:
--Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.
--No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. when I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just runs away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, to this bar. And when I was thinking about getting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison cocktail I just mixed...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
============================
Q. Why can't the Poles raise chickens?
A. The plant the eggs too deep.
Q. What do you call pulling off a girl's pantyhose?
A. Foreplay.
Q. What's a hobosexual?
A. A bum fuck.
Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will know to whom to pay the lower salaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life."
The doctor gives him some pills, and asks him to return next week.
He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible."
To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose working again, lets work on your farting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two young women were discussing their sex lives, when one complained to the other: "I cant take it any more. Every time my husband ejaculates, he screams and shouts, then dances around the bedroom naked singing the National Anthem."
"What's wrong with that?" asked her friend. "Well, for a start, he keeps waking me up"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was walking along pushing her new born baby in its baby carriage when she was approached by an old friend. The woman leaned over, peered into the carriage and said: "What a beautiful baby boy, he looks just like his father." "I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."
"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business!" snapped the woman.
"Oh, right!" said the bloke, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man had suffered for years with a permanent hard-on. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get it to go down.
In desperation, he went to the local drugstore, where he was greeted by a female pharmacist. "Id like to speak to the male pharmacist, its a bit personal," said the man.
The woman replied: "There is no male pharmacist. I run this pharmacy with my sister. Were both professionals, so anything you can tell a man, you can tell us." "OK," he replied, "I've got a permanent hard-on, and I wondered what you could give me for it."
"Hmmm," she replied, "If you wait there, Ill just go and have a word with my sister." A minute later, she returned and said to the man: "Well give you $20,000 and half the business"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That's once."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
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A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Mom just got hit by a bus!" His father says, "Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
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Michael Jackson and his wife named their new baby girl Paris, because that's where the baby was conceived. That and it's a lot easier to spell than "In Vitro".
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A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
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Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the actress Sharon Stone.
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?
"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.
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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Fuck, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."
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Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal.
The following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir"
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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How do you sit four fags on a stool?........you flip the stool over.....
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A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
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A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."
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In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life,and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then--"
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in for?"
==========================
A man goes to consult a famous specialist about his medical problem.
"How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is fifty ruples," replies the physician.
"Fifty ruples? That's impossible."
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to thirty ruples."
"Thirty ruples for one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford twenty ruples?"
"Who has so much money?"
"Look," replies the doctor, growing irritated, "Just give me five ruples and be gone."
"I can give you two ruples." says the man. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor."Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in Warsaw?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient. "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."
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(To tune of "Yesterday" by the Beatles)
Negligee,......I look stupid in this negligee
'Cause my butt sticks out this funny way --
Oh, why'd I buy this negligee? Suddenly.......I am twice the girl I used to be;
Flab is hanging out all over me --
This negligee's a travesty.
Why it doesn't fit I don't know, I couldn't say;
I did something wrong when I bought this negligee.
Negligee........I would like to take it back today,
But I threw the damn sales slip away --
I'll have to keep this negligee.
Hmm mm mm mm oo oo oooooo.
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Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband, I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumsized and uncircumsized, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the perfect penis." Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine." She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't." He says, "You know, it's weird, but i had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies . . . shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented . . . and the one on the top was the perfect pussy." She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?" He says, "Mope. Yours was holding up the tree."
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Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam, and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home:
Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
Exercise #2: Locate a large bench-type vise. While standing in the most uncomfortable up-right position you can manage, insert your most sensitive breast between the squeeze plates. Hold your breath. Tighten down the handle on the vise until you are about to cry. Make three more turns on the handle, for good measure.
Exercise #3: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Exercise #4: Visit your garage at three in the morning when the temperature of the floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of your family car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other side.
Congratulations, now you will be properly prepared for your next mammogram.
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There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
"But compared to his brother, he was a saint."
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Funny names!
~
Haywood Jablome
Mike Hunt
Phil McKracken
Ben Dover
Dick Kurtz
Pat McGroin
Abe Iggdick
Buster Heimen
Seymour Butz
Hugh G. Rection
Jack Koff
E. Normus Johnson
Iva Ardon
Lance Muloins
E. Jack Ulasian
Connie Lingus
Jacques Strap
Dionne Dabalz
Dick Trickle
Mike Rotch
Ivana Tinkle
Fae Kinnit
Mae Kinluv
Roland D'Hay
I. Moana Lott
Homer Sectual
Master Bates
Herb Oxtinks
Di A. Fram
Harry Balz
Maggie Zuhomo
Ray Pimee
Manny Izhuge
Phil McCavittee
Dick Gozinya
Ollie Cherpuzzi
Jack Meoff
Fonda Peters
Sharon Peters
Ima Virgin
Buster Cherry
Peter Gozinya
Dick Palmer
Anita Hanchob
Anna Linguis
Phil Aschio
Olga Fokyerseff
Fonda Cox
Lotte Spooge
I.P. Daley
Dee Flowers
Phil McCrevice
Hugh Nitt
Norm Ullystiff
Jimmy Bluvane
N. Tyson Wiener
Willy D. Lishus
Kuchi D. Spencer
Stu Piddslut
Bud Nugget
Tess Stickels
Sly Meekok
Rod Munch
Jack Wiener
Rod Bogart
Jack Cummins
Harry Nadz
Moe Shunnlowshan
Dick Hertz
Willy Greene
Jimmy Greaser
Peter Palmer
Monk E. Spanker
Harry Butz
Chili Peeler
Thad Polkorralar
Cleo Torres
Virge Ina
Bysshe Underwood
Vi Brater
Willy Porker
Woodrow Phister
Captain Dick Jackman
Oliver Klozoff
Dick Johnson
Ben Doon
Mel Tippleorgassms
Zip Errupper
Blue Mycock
Titus Maximus
C. Howard Fields
Yaura Nasshol
Peter Gozinya
Phil McCrevis
Cole Kuts
Sal Ami
Stu Pit
Phil D'Grave
Pepe Roni
Al Depantsyoo
Bill Loney
Hugh Jass
Hugh Jorgan
Onya Neesbitch
Al Coholic
Amanda Huginkiss
Phillip McCrack
Adolp Oliver Bush
Stan Dup
Justin Case
Justin Time
Stu Pidasso
Yera Nassol
Iva Woody
Yorrick Hunt
Harry Crevice
Wanda Swallow
Shelly Fingers
Lena Guenster
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Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
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"Dad, Can you write in the dark?" "I think so. What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card."
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The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!
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A mother with her little son take a cab to the zoo. Once inside the cab, the little boy sees a dog outside and asks his mother with his reedy voice:
- Mommy, if you were a dog and duddy was a dog too, what would I be now?
- You'd be a puppy, dear.
Later on, the boy sees a cat:
- Mommy, if you were a cat and duddy was a cat too, what would I be now?
- You'd be a kitten, dear.
The taxi driver hates the boy's high-pitch voice so decides to ask something to make him stop talking. So he asks:
- So little boy, if you mother was a hooker and you father was a pimp, was would you be now?
n Uhm... a taxi driver, I guess, sir!
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Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers over the age of 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged - Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under SCREW (Scheme for Retire Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional - Income for Dependent or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for - Retired Personnel Early Scheme). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity - Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your supervisor, they have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
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Thank you for calling Etch-A-Sketch Support!
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I keep from losing my documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.
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Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was wucking fasted.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swuttocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Sherry Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge huttocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.
"Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping bass over uttocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swuttocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swuttocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a bick in the kalls. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
They all hived lappily ever after.
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At the start of a meeting of world religious leaders, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!!!"
The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a fire notice on the door.
The Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews held a special observance.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengence of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The Unitarians proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
The Mormons arrived late for the meeting, and missed the fire completely.
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An hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
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Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress, points to her private parts and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
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