There was a man, his wife and their son.
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs to have sex, they were getting it on real good when they heard crying,
The father asked "son what is the matter, why are you crying?" to which the son replied "You're hurting mommy"
The father replied " I'm not hurting her we are making babies" this seems to calm the boy and left the room so the father went back to finishing having sex with his wife
The next day the father comes home from work and finds his son on the steps again crying, he asked his son " what are you crying about now?"
The son replies "You remember those babies you were making yesterday?, well the postman is upstairs eating them"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old men meet on a street corner.
1st old man, "Where 've you been for the last couple of months?"
2nd old man, "I was in jail."
1st old man, "You in jail, how come?"
2nd old man, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and
this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and
says, "He is the man officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me.
1st old man, "What, and you let her got away with it?"
2nd old man, "Well, I tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds...
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was.................God I miss him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"
"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "
His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of shit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate
open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.
Don't trust anythiing that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
* Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take
a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men's restroom, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my
standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University,
Cambridge, Mass.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then
let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were
stopping for ice.
* Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Penna.
Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are
you?".
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. Va.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and
tired of putting up with her shit.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both - get married!
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. · Men's restroom~~~~~~~~~~~
Q) What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A) Easter Bunny Farts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if they could make love because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling." she replied. And so they made love to each other. Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to make love. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?" Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know...you don't have to get up to go to work in the morning. I do!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say 'How about a little ?' She always pretends to be asleep."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Johnny and his dad are walking down the street when he happens to see 2 squirrels making "nookie". Johnny asked his father what they're doing...dad being the honest guy he is replies " Making baby squirrels" .
A little further down, they happen across 2 dogs doin' it as well. " What are they doing daddy?" Johnny asks, again, dad says " Making puppies." Well, later that night Johnny is on his way back from going potty he sees his parents doing it. "What are you doing daddy?" he asks. " Making you a brother or sister" his dad answers. " Oh" Johnny replies.. " Then, turn her around, I'd much rather have a puppy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME: Show up naked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes a wish to wake up with three women in his bed. So the annoyed genie says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly?" she asks him. "So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies. "Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy is sitting in a bar, drowning his sorrows, when a gorgeous woman sits next to him and says, "I'm really depressed. My husband left me because he said I'm too kinky." To which the guy replies, "What a coincidence! My wife left me for the same reason!" They talk for a while, and the woman suggests they continue the conversation at her place.
When they get there, she excuses herself to change into something a little more comfortable. She comes out of the bedroom wearing leather panties and bra and a spiked dog collar, and she's holding whips and chains. She notices the guy is putting his coat on and turning toward the door, and says, "Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky?"
The guy says, "I already fucked your dog and shit in your purse, what else do you want me to do?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"Well, first it was just between my tits and now....."
"Yes, go on." The doctor asked.
"It's all the way down to my fuckin' balls and that's the second thing I wanted to talk to you about!" she cried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of hunters went north for the hunting season. They had to sleep two to a cabin. Nobody wanted to share their cabin with one hunter because he snored so loudly. They decided they would rotate staying in his cabin so his snoring wouldn't keep one person awake for the hunt. After the first night the unfortunate roommate said he didn't sleep a wink because of the snoring. The same thing happened to the next hunter the second night. But the third night the next hunter woke up, saying he never slept better in his life. Naturally his inquisitive fellow hunters wanted to know how he did it. He said, "Well, just before I switched off the light, I reached over and kissed him goodnight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Black guy walked into a bar with a large female gorilla. He sat down at the bar and said," I would like a bourbon and white wine for may date."
The bartender looked him in the eye and said, "We don't serve gorillas in this bar." The black guy, insulted by this seemingly bizzarre attitude left the bar in anger.
He got home and started thinking that this wasn't right. So he decided to shave the gorilla and take her back to the very same bar. So, after clipping the gorilla as short as he could he walked back into the bar, sat down at a table with the gorilla in tow and ordered a bourbon and a white wine. The same bartender looked at him and obligingly brought a round of drinks.
He walked back to bar and turned to a friend and remarked, "Isn't that something, everytime a good looking Italian girl comes in here she's with a black guy."
====================
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anybody can mash potatoes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient - "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."
Doctor - "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dr. Kevorkian -- the suicide doctor -- has applied for a concealed-weapon permit. He wants to carry a gun now. In fact, when he applied, he told the clerk: 'Hey, guns don't kill people, I kill people.'" n Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital.
She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello - I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better, doing as expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request."
Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"
She said, "Yes - I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber-Finkel. Oh yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."
She said, "Close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor doesn't tell me anything!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with you troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of your, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then, you are almost as good as your dog or your cat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, little Johnny was walking to school with his pet turtle for show and tell. While he was on his way, a truck drove by and startled him. Johnny dropped the turtle and the truck ran it over killing it instantly.
Johnny went along to school anyway. When the class all finished doing their show and tell projects, the teacher finally called on Johnny, "Johnny, where is your show and tell for today?"
Johnny replied, Well teacher it's like this, I was walking to school with my pet turtle and a truck drive by and scared me. I dropped the turtle and the truck ran his ASS right over and killed him!"
His teacher was in shock and very sternly stated, "Johnny, we don't use that kind of language in school. We say rectum."
Johnny said, "Rectum . . it fuckin' killed him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed,
"Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear" "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that." "Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A door-to-door vacuum salesman knocks, and an old lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and empties a bucket of horse shit over her hall carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't clean up every last speck of that, I'll eat it."
"Do you want a spoon?" she asks, "we've only moved in this morning and the electricity's not on yet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this old man and lady sitting on the porch reading. The old lady rolls up her magazine and hits him with it. He asks, "What's that for?" She says, "That's for being a bad lover all these years."...Later on he rolls up his newspaper and hits her. She asks, "What's that for?" He answers, "That's for knowing the difference."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!
He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"WHY MEN CAN'T WIN"
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up an Egotist.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If you're totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a damn about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A travelling salesman was caught in some bad weather one rainy night, and, predictably, being out in the country had to spend the night at a farmhouse.
The farmer was a nice enough old man, but the farmer's daughter was a knock down, drag out BEAUTY. During the course of the evening, after the farmer went to bed, one thing leads to another with the salesmand and the daughter, and the next day he takes his leave.
Well, the daughter turns up pregnant. The farmer puts two and two together and sends a letter to the traveling salesman:
Are you the fella done the pushin'?
Put the wet spot on the cushion?
Left the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
Well, since you left our little Nellie,
There's been a swelling of the belly.
Don't you think it's time you come around?
After a few days a letter comes back from the salesman:
Yeah, I'm the fella done the pushin'.
Put the wet spot on the cushion.
Left the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I left your little Venus,
There's been a swelling of the penis,
I think we're 50-50 all around.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs understand that you are their master.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs understand that farting is funny.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
A dog's parents never visit.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
You never have to wait for a dog.
They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
===================
WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS.
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
Women know how to make popcorn.
HOW WOMEN AND DOGS ARE THE SAME
Both look stupid in hats.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both put too much value on kissing.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have hip problems.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither understands football.
Neither believes that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tourist goes up to a man in New York City and asked,
"Pardon me sir, but can you tell me what time it is, or shall I just go fuck myself?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk". The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot milk". The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled "Not Milk"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a teacup and a peacup?
A. A teacup is what the English drink out of, and peacup is what Mexicans drive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What did the Bosnian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
A. Electricity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?
A. He can't go into a cubicle alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16> We're working on that smell thing, too.
15> Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14> As seen on "COPS"
13> If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
12> Not just for nooners anymore.
11> We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10> You rented the room, now buy the video.
9> Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8> We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7> Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6> We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
5> It's Hookerriffic!
4> Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3> Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2> Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
1> We put the "Ho" in "Motel"
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What do people say when a man enters a room with a beautiful woman on his arm?
"Where did you get the tattoo?"
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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
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A man walked into the drugstore and shyly asked the pretty girl working there if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun.
She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.
When he went outside, the girl snuck around the fence, when he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a handjob.
When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him oral sex.
When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.
When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"
He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I do want 8 feet of that fence!"
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THE COURT JESTER'S FART (246L) The very last fart let by the Court Jester after he asked the cruel king to pull his finger.
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A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and... soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock.
He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!
The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?"
"Yes", the man says, "They're the ones."
"Well," replies the bartender, "Those guys aren't black. They're coalminers. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following was excerpted from a HUGE mailing from Steve in Great Britain. The spelling errors are his, not mine! Thanks Steve..
IT WAS THREE OCLOCK IN THE MORNING, AND THE RECEPTIONIST AT A POSH HOTEL WAS JUST DOZING OFF, WHEN A LITTLE OLD LADY CAME RUNNING TOWARDS HER SCREAMING. "PLEASE COME QUICKLY," SHE YELLED, "IVE JUST GLANCED OUT OF MY WINDOW AND SEEN A NAKED MAN," THE RECEPTIONIST, IMMEDIATELY RUSHED UP TOTHE LITTLE OLD LADYS ROOM. "WHERE IS HE?" ASKED THE RECEPTIONIST. "HES OVER THERE," REPLIED THE LITTLE OLD LADY, POINTING TO A BLOCK OF FLATS OPPOSITE THE HOTEL. THE RECEPTIONIST LOOKED OVER AND COULD SEE A MAN WITH NO SHIRT ON MOVING AROUND HIS FLAT. "ITS PROBABLY A MAN WHOS GETTING READY TO GO TO BED," SAID THE RECEPTIONIST REASSURINGLY, "AND HOW DO YOU KNOW HES NAKED, YOU CAN ONLY SEE HIM FROM THE WAIST UP." "THE WARDROBE!" SCREAMED THE LITTLE OLD LADY, "TRY .STANDING ON THE WARDROBE"!
*****
A WEALTHY LAWYER ASKED HIS BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WIFE WHAT SHED LIKE FOR HER BIRTHDAY. AFTER THINKING FOR A WHILE, SHE SMILED AND REPLIED " A DIVORCE". "A DIVORCE"! REPLIED THE LAWYER LOOKING SHOCKED. "I WASNT PLANNING ON SPENDING THAT FUCKIN MUCH!
*****
TWO LIFE-LONG MATES WERE ENJOYING A FEW PINTS DOWN THEIR LOCAL, WHEN ONE SAID TO THE OTHER: "IF I ASK YOU A QUESTION, WILL YOU PROMISE TO ANSWER ME HONESTLY?" YEAH, SURE THING," REPLIED THE BLOKES MATE, "FIRE AWAY." "WELL," SAID THE FIRST BLOKE, "WHY DO YOU THINK ALL THE BLOKES AROUND HERE FIND MY WIFE SO ATTRACTIVE?" "ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE OF HER SPEECH IMPEDIMENT," REPLIED THE SECOND BLOKE. "WHATDO YOU MEAN HER SPEECH IMPEDIMENT," ENQUIRED THE FIRST BLOKE, "MY WIFE HASNT GOT A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!" "WELL," REPLIED HIS MATE, "YOU MUST BE THE ONLY BLOKE WHO HASNT NOTICED THAT SHE CANT SAY NO"!
**********
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE BLOKE WHO FOUND OUT HE WAS IMPOTENT WHILST TRYING TO JOIN THE MILE-HIGH CLUB? HE COULDNT GIVE A FLYING FUCK!
*************
A MAN ASKED HIS DOCTOR IF HE THOUGHT HED LIVE TO BE A HUNDRED. THE DOCTOR ASKED THE MAN: "DO YOU SMOKE OR DRINK?" "NO," HE REPLIED , "IVE NEVER DONE EITHER." "DO YOU GAMBLE, DRIVE FAST CARS, AND FOOL AROUND WITH WOMEN?" ENQUIRED THE DOCTOR, "NO, IVE NEVER DONE ANYOF THOSE THINGS EITHER," "WELL THEN," SAID THE DOCTOR, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO LIVE TO BE A HUNDRED FOR?"!
****************
AFTER COURTING FOR FIVE YEARS, AN ELDERLY COUPLE DECIDED TO MARRY. BEFORE THE WEDDING, THEY DISCUSSED IN FINE DETAIL HOW THEIR MARRIAGE MIGHT WORK, THEIR FINANCES, LIVING ARRANGEMENTS AND SO ON. FINALLY, THE OLD MAN DECIDED IT WAS TIMETO TALK ABOUT THE PHYSICAL SIDE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. HE ASKED RATHER HOPEFULLY: "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SEX?" THE OLD LADY REPLIED: "OH, I LIKE TO HAVE IT INFREQUENTLY." THE OLD MAN PAUSED FOR A MINUTE, AND THEN ENQUIRED: "WAS THAT ONE WORD OR TWO?"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten
enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
=========================
LAWYER'S CREED: A man is innocent until proven broke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife said to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!" The husband replied, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotes from offices
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.
I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bumper Sticker
AGGRAVATE THE HELL OUT OF A DEMOCRAT: GET A JOB, KEEP IT, AND PAY YOUR BILLS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Well, yes I do," he replied. "What does it smell like?" The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A FREAKING TICKET!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. They all arrived the Pearly Gates together.
"Oh! This is terrible!" exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think that we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. We were going to help all of you land once you got where you were going." St. Peter was fretting. "Your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in, but we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the devil agreed.
Two days later...
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns."
"What's wrong?" asked St. Peter.
"Well, this Pope guy is forgiving everybody. This Graham fellow is saving everybody. And this fella Roberts -- he's raising money to buy a central air conditioning unit ..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long queue with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay 1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the queue, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear ...
"I thought I told you to get lost."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"NEW" Bumper stickers
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.
Bad Cop! No donut!
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw my friend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger. When I pointed this out to her she said, "I know, I married the wrong man."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
White house intern application
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing = America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like this is for you? Just listen to what a former intern has to say about such an exciting opportunity: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
-- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Please reply to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov, with the Subject heading of "Oral Office Internship".
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
.. Giggly:
.. Drunk:
.. Hot:
.. To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
----- -----
You've always considered the
White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow.
Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam *wants* you.
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"Informed sources say that those who die and are standing before The Throne to be sentenced to hell for their sins can claim credit for time served if they were Windows 95 users." --Larry Blasko, Associated Press, W/S Journal, 1/27/98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A five year-old boy said to his father: "Daddy, can I have a train set?" his father replied: "Does your dick reach your backside, son?" The young boy reached into his trousers and said: "No, Daddy." His father replied: "Well, son, come back when it does." Six years later, the eleven year-old boy said to his father: "Dad, can I have a ten-speed mountain bike?" his father replied: "Does your dick reach your backside, son?" The boy reached into his trousers and said: "No, Dad." His father replied: "Well, son, come back when it does." Six years later, the seventeen year-old teenager said to his father: "Dad, can I have a car?" His father replied: "Does your dick reach your backside, son?" His son replied with a huge grin on his face: "Yeah, Dad, it sure does!" The father looked at his son and said: "Then go fuck yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome, how yer doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off. "Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Oh, just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor. "Oh, yeah!" snarled his wife, "In whose. profession? yours or hers"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically. The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the centre of London, in a blizzard?" The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bloke casually wandered over to a beautiful young woman in a busy pub and said: "If I offered you £10, would you suck my dick?" "Certainly not!" retorted the young woman. "OK, no problem," replied the bloke as he walked back to the bar to continue drinking his pint. 15 minutes later, the bloke returned to where the woman was sat and said: "If I offered you £1000, would you suck my dick?" After pausing briefly, the woman replied: "Yes." The bloke smiled, and said: "Great!" and strolled back to the bar flicking his hair. 5 minutes later, the bloke returned yet again and said to the woman: "If I offered you £100, would you suck my dick?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the woman, "What kind of woman do you think I am?" "Well," said the bloke, "We' ve already established that, now we're just haggling over the price"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE POPE FART (98U)
Crystal clear, and with absolutely no odour, it sounds like a Gregorian chant echoing through the halls of the Vatican. It can heal third degree burns, if he lets one near you on Easter Sunday.
THE DUTCH TREAT FART (101V)
It's also known as the Lesbian Fart, because it only happens when you pull your finger from a dyke.
THE I.R.S. FART (112R)
Like its equivalent, the Revenue Canada Fart, it's very taxing on your system, and leaves you feeling drained and corn-holed.
THE COLOMBIAN BURRO FART (192B)
The peculiar odour that you smell in the grocery store aisle after spotting Juan Valdez there with his donkey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this isn't true.
===========================
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the
Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Aw, forget it. Keep the egg."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little 10-year-old Johnny goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come Quick! The bull is fucking the cow!"
Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Johnny aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth picked up in the playground," he says.
A few days later, Johnny comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"
The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time, you know..."
"Yes, he can!" replies his obstinate nephew.
"He's fucking the horse!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, greeted her 11-year-old grandson. "What did you learn today?" she asked.
"Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied, matter-of-factly.
The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.
Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the Nineties. These days, it's all part of the curriculum."
A few hours later, dinner was announced. The grandmother went to fetch her grandson in his bedroom. She opened the bedroom door and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating. "Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fraternity pledge, wounded by pranks, was suspicious when one of the frat rats offered to set him up with a blind date. "No way! She'd turn out to be a pimply sweathog!"
"No, no," the rat assured. "This chick's a knockout!"
The pledge, still suspicious, gives in and allows the rat to make the date.
Later that evening, the pledge walks up to the front door of his date's house. He knocks and is admitted by a distinguished looking man. "Step right in, my boy, she'll be right down!"
Soon afterwards, a beautiful girl appears at the door, seated in a wheelchair. "Geez," the pledge thinks to himself, "I'm going to kill that bastard. Meanwhile, I'm trapped." He rolls her down to his car and helps her into the front seat.
They both enjoy a nice dinner, and afterwards, a movie. "Well, I guess it's time to take you home now."
"No," she says. "First, let's go have sex!"
"Well, to tell the truth, and not to disparage your handicap, I don't really know how we'd go about it."
"Leave that to me." She then directs him to a lonely lane out in the woods. "Now, just take me over to that tree." Once there, she reaches up and grasps a limb. Hanging there by her hands, she gives herself to the boy.
While driving her home afterwards, the pledge is conscience-stricken, and decides to explain the situation to her father. "Sir, I feel terrible about this, but I have to confess. I had intercourse with your daughter tonight."
"Don't worry about that, my boy! Come back and see us any time at all. You are a fine example of young manhood!"
"Sir, I don't think you understand. I screwed your daughter tonight!"
"Fine, fine! You be sure to come back. Maybe for dinner some night!"
The pledge is confused. "Look, buddy, I told you, I fucked your daughter tonight. What kind of father are you, anyway?"
"Yes, son. I understood you. What you don't understand is that most guys leave her hanging in the tree."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, "Asshole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"New W-2 Form"
Have all of you received your new Customer Friendly and Simple As Pie W-2?
Form W-2-CFSAP
1. Name: __________________________
2. Social Security Number: ______________
3. How Much Did You Make In 1997: $___________
SEND IT IN!
Signature______________________
Date_________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If they impeach Clinton, would Hillary still be President?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HER: "I am moving out. I have had enough of you!"
HIM: "But honey, what is the matter?"
HER: "I heard you are a pedophile."
HIM: "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a twelve year old."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bert and Martha weren't having very good sex lately, so Bert went to a doctor. The doc prescribed a pill for Bert to take but warned him that if he took more than one a day, the side effects could be damaging.
The first time Bert took the pill, he had the best sex of his life! He went back to the doctor and told him the good news. The doctor was pleased to hear of Bert's success and again warned him against taking more than one pill.
The doctor started to worry after a week went by without any more word from Bert, so he decided to make a house call. When he arrived he found Bert's son on the front porch. He was crying.
"What's wrong?" the doc asked.
"Mommy is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and daddy is running around the house calling, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why did the judge dismiss the Paula Corbin Jones case?
A: No one could figure out how a woman with a 6-inch nose could give head to a man with a 3-inch penis.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.
"What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?"
"You're hurting mommy," the little boy replied.
"No, no," the father assured. "I'm not hurting her. We are making babies."
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying.
"What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad.
"It's those babies you were making with mommy yesterday," the boy answered.
"The postman is upstairs eating them."
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Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
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In which month does a pussy smell the least ? February (28 days).
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THE FULL METAL JACKET FART (50L)
The complete discharge of semi-automatic rapid fire that TAKES NO PRISONERS.
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A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"
"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."
This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So why are you complaining?"
"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."
Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."
"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing between his legs.
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Chinese Fortune Cookies
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."
"Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."
"Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Work to become, not to acquire."
"Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."
"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."
"Find old man in dark, not hard!"
"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
"Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose."
"Man who put head on RailRoad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."
"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser."
"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Confucius say too God damn much!"
"Those who quote me are fools."
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
"War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
"Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"
"Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth."
"Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag."
"Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. "
"Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly. "
"Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night"
"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. "
"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok "
"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. "
"Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent"
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Q. What does an accountant use for birth control?
A. His personality.
Q. What does an actuary do to liven up a party?
A. He invites an accountant.
Q. How do you know if an accountant is an extrovert or introvert?
A. An extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you. An introvert looks at their shoes when talking to you.
Q. What is the difference between a Finance Director and a shopping cart?
A. A Finance Director holds more food and drink ..........
Q. How can you tell the difference between an actuary and an accountant?
A. The actuary is the one with a personality.
Q. What is the difference between a football and Accountant?
A. The football goes farther when you kick it.
Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A. Jail
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Man walks up to the counter at the airport. The agent asks if he can help the man. The man says, I want a round trip ticket. The agent asks - Where too? The man responds - Right back to here.
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If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3