~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "Yeah!"
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A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there was something he could help her with.
"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!" she says.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.
Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs."
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the strange gift frog, and they're both happy.
The woman goes to bed.
Around two in the morning, she wakes up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asks the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!"
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How to Simulate Snow Skiing
Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you'd like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what you'll get anyway.
Visit your local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It's not real skiing but it's close.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray sandblast your face. You'll almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaking gun.
Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.
Wear apres ski boots everywhere-even in the shower. For the best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.
At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag, and poles. Make believe you're looking for your car.
For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. This will save you from losing it later.
Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year. Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in. Do this 12 to 18 times.
To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a Caribbean resort. When you arrive toss a valuable ring out onto the beach. Then try to find it.
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What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association ***
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse? ***
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa! ***
One dyslexic would-be lover bought himself a sex manual but spent all night in his girlfriend's kitchen trying to find her vinegar.
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Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
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Hickory dickory dock Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one And the other two escaped with minor injuries
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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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The owner of a pet store was working on a man who had wandered in. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The man said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the man. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the owner, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
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* Next time the dentist tells ya to "Open wide" -- ask whether he's talking about your mouth, or your wallet.
* My dentist tells me that I'm lucky to still have all my own teeth, and most are in good condition too. Actually keeping all your teeth is easy. You should drink lots of milk, brush/floss often and mind your own business.
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There are 3 basic types of people in the world:
1. Those who can count.
2. Those who can't.
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The young girl had led a sheltered life. She approached her mother with the news that she had fallen in love with a Greek sailor and they were going to be married.
The mother was not happy with the idea of her daughter marrying a sailor -- especially a Greek one. But she decided that since her daughter was in love, she would give her some motherly advice.
"If your husband wants you to have sex 'THE OTHER WAY,' don't do it!" Mom warned.
The daughter heeded her mother's advice for nearly a year. But one day, after a wild session of love making, curiosity got the best of her. The young woman asked her husband if they could have sex "THE OTHER WAY." Her husband jumped out of bed and yelled, "What, and take a chance on having children?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was al smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
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*Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
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*The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
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*I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
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*There are two rules for ultimate success in life. . Never tell everything you know.
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*When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
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Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze.
One says "How's the memory?"
The other says "Perfect, knock on wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Janitors' Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms. The Bakers' Union, however, just wanted more dough.
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Stacz looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred' swife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, Stacz corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "Na, na, na, na. I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyardwithout her top on yesterday."
Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told Stacz he planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that Stacz' bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices Stacz' wife in the act of performing oral sex.
The very next day Fred calls out to Stacz, "Hey, Stacz, I saw your wife giving you a blow job last night." Stacz replies, "Na, na, na, na. I wasn't home last night."
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"Just look at this report card!" Stormed the angry father!
"Your friend Robert doesn't come home with C's and D's on his report cards!"
"No, but he's different. He's got smart parents!"
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Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
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At a news conference, a journalist said to the President, "Paula Jones said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?
"The truth is, said Clinton, that she has a big mouth."
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Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
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The train is leaving the station. A man yells through an open window to another man, still standing on the platform: "Thank you for a wonderful weekend. And tell your wife she's better in bed than anyone else".
Another passenger then says:' Excuse me, how can you tell someone that his wife is better in bed than any other woman?"
"Well, it isn't true, but Jones is a nice man, I just wanted to be polite."
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A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
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Two students were taking a college chemistry course. They did pretty well on all the work going into the final. They did so well, in fact, that they each had a solid A grade.
Having such a good grade made them so cocky that they decided to party with some friends rather than study. They had such a good time that they did not get back on campus until early on the morning of the final.
Rather than take the final in their condition, they told the professor that they had been on their way back in plenty of time to study but got a flat tire. They had no spare and had great difficulty getting help, so they asked to take a makeup exam at a later date.
The professor agreed that they could take the test the next day. The students were overjoyed and studied that night, confident that they would keep their good grade.
They were on time at the examination hall and were placed in separate rooms. Each was handed a test booklet and told to begin.
The first problem was quite easy and worth five points. Their confidence soared even higher! They completed the problem and turned the page.
It said, "For 95 points, Which tire?"
========================
I thought my boss was a bastard. So I quit my job and began working for myself.
My new boss is a bastard, too...but at least I respect him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Greek Restaurant owner daily teased his Chinese neighbor whenever he met him
"How much is the flied lice today?"
The Chinese restaurant owner would fume and walk back into his restaurant and decided to avoid the Greek owner. But avoiding One day the Chinese owner decides to go for elocution lessons and after three months of intense learning decides to confront the Greek with his new skill.
When the Greek sees the Chinese owner he asks the usual question " How much is the flied lice?" The Chinese replies confidently: " It is not flied lice, It is fried rice, you flucking Gleek plick!!!!"
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One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
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"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live.
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A Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
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Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boast another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be a hundred 165 years old."
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A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together."
He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.
They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".
They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter.
Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound." They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.
"Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here."
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A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff.... Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
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My doctor said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch
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These two gays guys challenged two lesbians to a race from Los Angeles to San Francisco. Who won? The lesbians, they got there Lickity Split while the two gays were still home packing their shit...
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Why do Italians wear mustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
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How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.
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Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
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Did you hear about the fag that went into the police station to report a rape? The officer asked if he could describe the assailant, and the gay replied, "What? Do you think I've got eyes in the back of my head?"
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What do you get, when you cross a Jew with a Puerto Rican? A janitor who thinks he own the place.
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Jewish dilemma: Free ham.
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Delilah, a small-town Southern belle goes to the big city for the first time. And, oh, the things she saw there! Upon her return, she just HAD to tell her friend Sarena ALL about it!
Delilah said, "You just can't IMAGINE the things I saw in the big city!! Why, did you know, that they have MEN, who put their mouths on the PRIVATES of OTHER MEN??
Sarena cried, "Heavens, No! Oh mercy! What do they call them?"
"They call them HOMOSEXUALS," Delilah answered.
"And did you know...," Delilah continued, "that there are WOMEN in the city...who put their mouths on the private parts of OTHER WOMEN?!"
Sarena had never heard of such things! Fanning herself, Sarena exclaimed, "Oh No! It CAN'T be! My Word! What do they call THEM?"
Delilah replied, "They call them LESBIANS." Continuing, she whispered, "And did you know... that there are MEN... who put THEIR mouth on the private parts of women?!"
Sarena screamed, "Good Lord, no!! And what do they call THEM?"
Delilah replied, "When I caught my breath, I called him SWEETHEART!"
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A blonde was sitting in the church and crying hard when the priest noticed her and went and asked her the reason for her grief.
"What is it dear that you are so worried about"
"Father, it is that son-of-a-bitch..."and before she could say anything the priest stopped her.
"Dear, why are you using such foul language? You should not do so".
"But father", the girl cried, "that boy next door (SOB) he.. he touched my hand".
"So what happened?", touching her hand, "see! it doesn't mean you abuse him". "But father then he (SOB) put his arm around me". The priest put his arm around her and exclaimed, "Now dear, that is no reason to abuse him either".
The girl still continued, "Then he touched my breast", the father did the same and once more said, "See, it is not a matter to abuse him". "But then father, he removed my panty."
"There, so I will also remove your panty", and he slid her panty down her legs, "This is still no reason to abuse him". "But then he put his dick in me and fucked me and...",the priest stopped her and then started fucking her hard. After it is over said, "See, that is no reason to abuse him either".
"But then father after finishing he told me he had AIDS"
"Oh! That son-of-a-BITCH".
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The Seinfeld Guide to Sex
Backed Up:
Glandular condition that men get from not having sex.
Bad Breaker-Upper: Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean - but means them.
Home-Bed Advantage: The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings.
"It didn't take": George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism.
The "It's-not-you-it's-me" routine: Breakup method to which George lays claim.
Love:
A spice with many tastes, according to Newman.
Make-up Sex: The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "conjugal-visit sex".
Master of your Domain: One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the castle.)
Public Fornicator:
A porn actor.
Put in: The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three weeks.
Sexual Camel: Someone who can go great lengths of time without sex.
Sexual Perjury: Faking it.
Shrinkage: Physical reaction men have to cold water.
Slip One Past the Goalie: To impregnate a woman.
Stopping Short: Frank Costanza's technique to cop a feel in the car.
The Switch: Dating a woman, then dating her roommate after the breakup. Has never been done successfully.
The Tap: Sign a woman uses to stop oral sex, sort of like the manager coming to the mound and asking for the ball.
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Did you hear that the first shipment of the new anti-impotence drug arrived at LaGuardia today and was stolen from the airport???
The FBI is looking for hardened criminals...
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If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it show's your nuts!!!
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I haven't found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. SLeazy, and Mr. Wrong.
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I am so good in bed that when I have sex even the neighbors need a cigarette.
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REDMOND, Wash. - March 16,1998 Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyrights, and upgrade God himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometimes in late 1998, well before the millennium.
"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to him, making him not easier to find, but easier to communicate with." The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
. Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
. Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP).
. Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based graphic interface, the product of our time, a secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God server, and prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayer with a minimum learning curve.
. Microsoft Savior This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the uses system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the users Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Protestant, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satan, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.
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ONE LINERS
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Church Bulletin:
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN E-MAIL JUNKIE
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html"
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a friend.
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Q. What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A. A happy pit bull. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the nite.
"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."
"Oh !" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just how far is it to the next house ?"
====================
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
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The common symptoms of Swine Flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to fuck in the mud.
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THE LITTLE MISS MUFFETT FART (239G)
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffett Eating her pork and beans; Along came a spider and sat down beside her And cried, "What died in your jeans?"
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A Dr. was hurriedly going down the hallway when a nurse came rushing after him explaining that she needed his signature on a patients chart.
He reached into his pocket and was about to sign his name when he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. "Damn!" he says to the nurse, "some asshole has got my favorite pen!"
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
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Q. How is life is like a penis?
A. When it's soft, you can't beat it, and when it's hard, you get fucked.
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Q. What do you call four blondes at a 4-way stop?
A. Confused
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"Top Ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a Day"
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
And the Number One thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina for a Day:
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
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A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.
So the husband inquires "What's wrong Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast".
So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook"
Again the husband smiles and says "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks "What the heck are you doing honey?" to which the new bride replies "Warming up your supper!"
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The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
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An old man was having an on-going affair with a widow. They had a standing date to meet once a month for a night of passion. After their April tryst, he said to her, "See ya in May." She sighed and replied, "Is sex all you ever think about ?"
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A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half." "Just bring me a size eight." The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 7, and my son just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."
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The husband hears some sounds from the bed room as he comes from the office and gusts in. He finds his wife in bed with her lover. Shocked he rages, "What are you doing?". The wife tells her lover, "See? Didn't I tell you he doesn't knows nothin"
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Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roaming catholic
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After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
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"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
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An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out "Number 77!, and again everybody laughed.
The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is you call out the number and if people think it's a funny oke they will laugh."
The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.
The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke than the others?" And the barman said, "Well, there are two reasons--firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before."
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It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, " my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook".
"Good Rodney" says the teacher, "how about you, Johnny?'"
Johnny stands up and stammers, "my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no ....L-E-C-K- no....
The teacher interrupts, "never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?"
Vinnie stands up and says, "My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Johnny's ever gonna spell electrician!"
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Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. " Steven Wright
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How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
How do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile?
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........ A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
How does a man keep his youth? By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men? Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital
What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch
How are men like bank machines? Once they withdraw they lose interest
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men prefer the woman to be on top? Because men always fuck up.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
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Miss Parsons, the town spinster, called the sheriff at 2 a.m. to complain about two dogs were copulating on her front lawn. The sheriff suggested she throw cold water on them.
Ten minutes later, she called again to tell him that the water did not work and that the dogs were still copulating. He told her to bang trash can lids together near them.
Fifteen minutes later, she called yet again to complain that the noise failed to work and that the dogs were copulating more vigorously than before. " Miss Parsons," the sheriff said slowly and deliberately, " why don't you tell the dogs that they're wanted on the phone?" " Will that stop them from copulating?" she asked. " Well," he said, " it sure stopped me."
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright
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Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar, but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
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A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.
He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?".
The cowboy replied,"See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."
"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem.", replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."
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A Boston drunk chinned up to a ticket clerk's window. "Shay," he said, "how fasht can I get to Chicago?" The clerk pointed at Gate 37 and said, "That train goes to Chicago in five minutes. "I'll take it," replied the drunk. "Thatsh great time."
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Four friends are playing golf one Saturday morning as usual. Dave, Mike and Tom are fairly good with the game but John is not as good. After a few holes John tees off first and slices the ball right into the woods. His friends decide to wait a bit while John goes to look for his ball. John is gone for quite a while and his friends get a little worried, so Dave volunteers to go find out what's keeping John. After about 10 minutes go by, Mike and Tom are getting impatient so they both decide to go find Dave and John so they can continue with the game. They walk into the woods a ways and come to a clearing. In the clearing they see John bent over a log, pants around his ankles, and Dave behind him. "Holy smoke man, what are you doing?" asks Mike "Uh, well, when I got back here, John was on the ground. I think he was having a heart attack." Replies Dave. Tom says, "But that's not how you deal with a heart attack, you gotta use mouth to mouth." Dave answers, "Well I did that, how do you think this all got started."
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The ambassador's for England, France, Mexico and America are in Australia for a conference and they get a call to get back to theUN as soon as possible for an emergency meeting. Due to the time strain the only plane they can get is an old cargo plane flying to the west coast. They take this thinking when they get to California, they'll hop on a jet and be in New York by the end of the day. About 2 hours into the flight, the pilot comes over the intercom and says that the plane is low on fuel, and the only way they're going make it is to lighten the load. Immediately, all four ambassadors start throwing everything in the plane out the door. Crates, seats, anything and everything that isn't bolted down. They sit down in an empty plane relieved and assuming they are in no more danger. About half an hour later, the pilot comes over the intercom and again announces that they still need to lighten the load or they won't make it to the coast. Upon hearing this announcement, the Englishman stands up, walks over to the door, and says, "Long live the Queen!" and jumps out of the door. Once again the pilot announcement comes across the intercom. This time the Frenchman stands up, walks to the door and says, "Viva la France!" and jumps out the door. Again the pilot announces....... The American and Mexican ambassadors stand up and walk over to the door and look at each other, then out the door and the American says, "Remember the Alamo!" and pushes the Mexican out the door.
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Do you know why San Francisco is probably the most disaster ready city in the world?
Just about everyone there has already got their shit packed.
How many gay men does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A nun falling down the stairs.
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I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you shilly sit! ...
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What happens when you cross Dr. Kavorkian, Dr. Ruth and Tanya Harding?
Killer sex that will bring you to your knees.
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Contraceptives: to be used on all conceivable occasions.
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Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives." Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed. "Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said. The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo? And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts
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Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day (1) Get ahead faster in the
corporate world.
(2) Get a blow job.
(3) Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
(4) Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal, and determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
(5) Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
(6) Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
(7) Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
(8) Try to get that thing to vibrate as well.
(9) Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which cause two inches to be added to the final measurement.
(10) Repeat #2.
(11) Repeat #2
(12) Repeat # 2
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A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch penis and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it."
The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"
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The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married a Eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine
take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep." "How marvelous," the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die." On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP. He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"
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It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM!, a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" To which the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" The old man asked. Again the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look" said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
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2 Canadians are sitting around the house bored. One says to the other "Why don't we play 20 questions? I'll think of the first subject." He thinks for a few seconds and comes up with the subject "moose cock". He says, "Ask me the first question?" The 2nd Canadian asks, "Is this something you can eat?" The 1st thinks for a second and says "I guess you could eat it." The 2nd Canadian asks, "Is it a moose cock?"
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A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
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What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
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What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
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The Custodians of America were in a hiring frenzy because their work was really picking up.
The Balloon Makers formed a union because their work was rapidly expanding.
The Fortune Tellers did not form a union because it became crystal clear that there was no future in it.
The Magicians were worried and did not form a union because of concern that their work was just an illusion, and would soon vanish.
The Electricians union took charge and sent the Teamsters Union packing. (At least that is the current situation due to an alternating view.)
The Icecream Makers discovered that their union had a hiring freeze.
The Meat Packers Union found that government gave them the cold shoulder.
The Breadmakers could not rise to the occasion and were given an absolutely raw deal.
War recently broke out among the windows installers association, causing a real pane... Until they had a major break through that was a shattering success.
The painters union was all primed for a strike but was rolled right over by the floor covering union that laid down the law because they were stretched tight.
The Professional Bowlers Association did go an a major strike, but were split on the issues.
The Professional Wrestlers wanted to form a union because they felt they were being pinned by those holding them down, and they did not want to be counted out...
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There are things that are better then sex.
There are things worse then sex.
But it's impossible to find anything just like it!!!!!!
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Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.
"All the ladies down on the floor," one handsome robber commanded.
"My grandmother too?" the little girl asked.
"Yes, your grandmother too!"
"All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses."
"My grandmother too?"
"Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties."
"Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" asked the little girl.
Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart."
When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, "YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!"
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Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."
The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."
"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"
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Three tampons were walking down the street. What did they say?
Nothing. They were stuck up bitches
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Confucious says.....
Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
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There are only two words in the English language that spell the same object both forward and backward. They are "race car."
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Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said, "I'm gonna miss her"
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A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
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A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't wan to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
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Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
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We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise
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Two blond girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the blonde at the wheel, "see any cops following us?" The other blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Are his flashers on?" asked the one driving. The other blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup.... "
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Q. What's every blonde's ambition in life?
A. To be like Big Bird and learn the alphabet.
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Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
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1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.
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Baseball Funnies ------------------------------------
Q. Why did the base runner feel like garbage?
A. Because he got thrown out.
Q. Who plays baseball in your living room?
A. The home team.
Q. Who turns the lights on and off at the ball park?
A. The switch-hitter.
Q. Why did the baseball player practice milking cows?
A. Because he heard he was being sent to a farm team.
Q. Why are the longest sports articles about pitchers?
A. Because a pitcher's worth a thousand words.
Q. Why are baseballs white?
A. Because they keep getting hit into the bleachers.
Q. Why did the baseball coach buy a big broom?
A. Because he wanted to sweep the World Series.
Q. Why do baseball fans wear casual clothing?
A. Because ties aren't allowed in baseball.
Q. Why didn't the runner get to second base?
A. Because he was single-minded.
Q. How would you feel if you ate home plate?
A. Homesick.
Q. How did the baseball player die?
A. He choked up on the bat.
Q. Where do baseball players clean their bats?
A. In the bat-tub.