=========================

National Poetry Contest
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu." The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited: Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So, I bucked one and Timbuktu.

======================

Alabama Johnnie
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for little Johnnie. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnnie, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but little Johnnie rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnnie once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

=======================

Ludwig van Beethoven
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"

========================

Transcript Of An Actual Radio Conversation
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

=========================

The Confessional
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

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The Camel
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

==========================

Husband and Wife Take Golf Lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. "The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

=======================

On The Farm
Little 10-year-old Johnny goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come Quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Johnny aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth picked up in the playground," he says.

A few days later, Johnny comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time, you know..." "Yes, he can!" replies his obstinate nephew. "He's fucking the horse!"

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Three Convicts
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

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Affair With His Best Friend
A woman is in her bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. She picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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An Irishman, Englishman and Claudia Schiffer
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carraiges and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." And the Irishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again ."

=====================

Fighter Pilot, a Pig, and a Dog
A fighter pilot, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance!

Well, soon that pig started looking better and better to the fighter pilot, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the fighter pilot, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in pretty bad shape when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to good health.

When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. The fighter pilot started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

=========================

1. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

2. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

3. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

4. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

5. Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

6. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

7. I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol..!!!!

8. I'm not a complete idiot: Some parts are missing.

9. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live

10. If something goes without saying, LET IT!

==========================

A penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first service station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin decides to take a walk through town. He sees an ice-cream parlor and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides something cold would really hit the spot. He opts for a dish of vanilla ice-cream and, having no hands, proceeds to make quite a mess with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice-cream, he returns to the service station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from under the hood and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies. "It's just ice-cream."

======================

Little Tommy goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Tommy waves his hand, "Me, teacher, me, me!" Teacher says "All right, little Tommy, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Tommy says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Tommy, that's a mouthful." Little Tommy says "No teacher, you're thinking of a blowjob ========================================================== There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal !!!!

======================

A Day at the Zoo It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

=========================================

A Civil War Story
Just after the Battle of Atlanta, a regiment of Yankee troops marched into what remained of the city. Toward the end of the Civil War, some regiments were composed of black soldiers commanded by a white officer. It was just such a regiment that came to town.

One afternoon, the white officer was walking down the street when he was stopped by a Madam standing on a balcony of one of the few standing buildings. "Sir," she said, "you and your men must come up sometime and visit my ladies of the line." "But, madam, you don't understand," he said. "I am a white officer with colored privates." To which the Madam replied, "Well, MY...aren't YOU the fancy one."

=============================

The Old Shul
There once was a shul with a problem. The roof was leaky, the benches were creaky, and the pipes were seeping. Most of all, no one had any money. No one, except for Mr. Schwartz. Mr. Schwartz drove a fancy car, had a fancy house, and wore fancy clothing. The situation was getting worse and worse, so the rabbi reluctantly appoached Mr. Shwartz. "Mr. Schwartz! How are you? I am sure you are aware of the terrible condition of our shul.

Since you are the only rich congregant, will you please come forward and help us renovate the shul?" Mr. Schwartz replied ," Rabbi, I don't think so. You see a little while ago, my wife and son were in a terrible accindent, lo aleinu. The whole incident has incurred the following. My wife was in the hospital and is now Baruch Hashem better. The hospital bill is $150,000. My son sees a physical therapist which costs $100,000. My daughter, who wasn't in the accident, however has suffered trauma from the ordeal. She sees a psychologist every day which costs $200,000. You see Rabbi, I may be rich, but nevertheless my family comes first." Mr Shwartz concluded," And if I'm not paying for them, I for sure won't pay for the shul!

=====================

The Watch
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out"...and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.

"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, "and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready!" "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not..." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

=======================

Two Boys Swearing
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"

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An Affair With His Secretary
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, wherethey made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

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Top Ten Reasons Studying Is Better Than Sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser".

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

======================

Excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)

(1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

(2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

(3) Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

(4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

(5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

(6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

(7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

(8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

(9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

(10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

(11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s.]

(12) Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

(13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

(14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

(15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

(16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

(17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

(18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

(19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

(20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

(21) Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

(22) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

(23) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

====================

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Law, But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the #1 dirty law statement..... 1. Think you can get me off?

====================

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER

(answers are given below)
1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

6). What does a dog do that you can step into?

7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)

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First Prize At The Science Fair
A freshman won first prize at his Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it:

1. Can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. Is a major component in acid rain

3. Can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. Accidental inhalation can kill you

5. It contributes to erosion

6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.

======================

Sex With A Ghost
The speaker at the psychic convention asked how many in attendance believed in ghosts. Almost everyone raised their hands. "How many of you have actually seen a ghost?" Half the crowd still had their hands up. "How many of you have actually touched a ghost?" Three of them were still holding their hands up. "Has anyone had sexual contact with a ghost?" One man was still holding his hand up. "Sir, have you really had sexual contact with a spiritual being?" "Oh, I thought you were talking about goats!"

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Funny Things People Said
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. * Red Buttons

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. * George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. * Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. * Carol Leifer

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. * Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. * Johnny Carson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. * Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. * Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? * John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. * Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. * Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. * Jerry Seinfeld

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Why Doesn't It Taste Sweet?
In a biology class, the Professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the Professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

=====================

New Barbies
Sister Mary Barbie:
This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.

Rabbi Barbie:
So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver Kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Admin. Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin. Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).

Twelve-Step Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Homegirl Barbie:
Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

Transgender Barbie:
Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie:
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Darn these spike heels anyway!"

Mobile Home Park Barbie:
Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accessories include two toddlers. When you pull the string on her back she asks where her gov't support check is. Some Mobile Home Barbies come with surprise Ken or G.I. Joe since they often give her surprise visits when they come into town.

========================

To Broach The Subject
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship: "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded. The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

=====================

Hillary's Baby
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynaecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!!!" The President remained silent. Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!" Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"

======================

Yelsin, Clinton and Gates
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were having a meeting in an airplane. At one point, the airplane runs out of fuel and crashed. All three die. When waking up, they find themselves standing, facing God. God looks at them and says: "You know, not everyone can enter Heaven. It depends what you believe in."

Turning to Yeltsin, God asks: "So, what do you believe in?". "I believe in equality for everyone and everyone should share what they own"Yeltsin answers. "Good", replies God, "Come and sit to my left." Then turning to Bill Clinton, God asks: "So, what do you believe in?". "I believe in free speech and democracy", Clinton says. "Good", replies God, "Come and sit to my right." Finally, turning to Bill Gates, God asks: "So, what do you believe in?". Bill Gates looks at God and says: "I believe you are sitting in my chair."

=========================

L.A. High School Math Exam
City Of Los Angeles High School Math Exam

Name:_____________________
Gang:________________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If John has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jimmy for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Richard is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Richard can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jacob wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Robert is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

========================

Telling A Joke To A Redneck
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

========================

Three Couples
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We Know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at the SuperSaver anymore either."

=========================

Seinfeldisms
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

===========================

More Seinfeldisms
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too?

Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination?

"Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

=======================

Dilbertisms
A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

(This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

========================

Excerpts From Resumes
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

7. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donated blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work of 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.

======================

The Preacher And The Lawnmower
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin' on that string. It'll come back to ya'!"

====================

Actual Letters To Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Curious

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

=======================

More Actual Letters To Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,
Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
Carol

Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Wondering

Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby,
I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
Annie

Dear Annie,
Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby,
What inspires you most to write?
Ted

Dear Ted,
The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
Rose

Dear Rose,
So would I.

Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Bess

Dear Bess,
Night and day.

======================

The Hunter Meets A Bear In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion!' "

The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said: "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

========================

The Programming Contest
Jesus and satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows...JESUS SAVES!!!!!!!!"

=======================

Creative Writing
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

=====================

Magic Lines for the Honeys
1. Just call me milk , I'll do your body good.

2. Your body's name must be Visa , because it's everywhere I want to be.

3. Can I buy you a drink , or do you just want the money?

4. I may not be Fred Flintstone , but I bet I can make your Bed Rock

5. I may not be the best looking guy here , but I'm the only one talking to you.

6. My love for you is like the energizer bunny , it keeps going and going,

7. That shirt is very becoming on you , but if I were on you I'd be coming too.

8. Yo baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King , you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.

9. I'd like to screw your brains out , but it appears that someone beat me to it.

10. You must be from Pearl Harbor , cause baby you're the BOMB.

11. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

12. I wish you were a Pony Carousel , so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

13. Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

14. Oh , I'm sorry , I thought that was a Braille name tag.

15. Excuse me , do you have your phone number, I've seemed to have lost mine.

16. I'm new in town , could I have directions to your house?

17. F*** me if I'm wrong , but is your name Yolanda?

18. Do you have a quarter? My Mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

19. I can't find my puppy , can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

20. I lost my bed , can I borrow yours?

=============================================

Chicken Gun
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun for the purpose of launching dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshield of airline jet, military jet, or the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. The idea being, that it would simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough to endure high-speed bird strikes.

British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions. The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."

========================

Waiting For A Haircut
Guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours". The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut? The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours". The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes". In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said "to your house"

=====================

Mommy's Sponge
Little Jimmy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that, Mommy? A little embarrassed, she tells him that it is her sponge. Jimmy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.

Some time later, Jimmy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Jimmy asks her, "Where is your sponge, Mommy? Again embarrassed, she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Jimmy is a little worried and promises his mother that he will help her find it. Mom says OK and goes back to showering.

Soon, Jimmy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?" "The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"

=======================

What was Jesus?
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion

=========================

Four Nuns Out for the Weekend
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agrees to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", said the priest, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree and run off.

Monday morning comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and say, "Forgive me Father, for I haved sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "Okay, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit the dog and killed it." The priest looks up at heaven for a half a minute then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

The third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, I have sinned." The priest says, "Ok. Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "Ok, what did you do this weekend that was so very funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water."

==========================

Computer Crashed
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

============================

Downloading Tyson vs. Holyfield
"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?" said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."

==========================

"I Know Daddy's Password!"
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

=======================

Computer Upgrade
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."

=====================

A Printer Problem
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

====================

Jared Chats
When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5:00 pm. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother,and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded."

=======================

Serious Surgery Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for at this point. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman.

Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure ...." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16½ neck." Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right. How did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman, very matter-of-factly. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure ...." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9½ ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right .... How did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "So, how about a new hat?" Without hesitation, Joe said, "Sure ...."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see ... 7 5/8." Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of this?" "It's my job," reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "No, you can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

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Bill Clinton's Pet Pigs
Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You`ll have to excuse me. I can`t return your salute. My hands are full." "Yes sir. I see the pigs Sir!" says the Marine.

"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren`t just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks." "Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine. "I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," said Clinton. "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!" replied the Marine.

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"My Hands Are Freezing!"
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man, my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

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Battlin' Body Parts
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge." So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

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An Engineer In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.

We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Dads Brag About Their Boys
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry.

He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars and a big portfolio of stock certificates."

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Two Lines In Heaven
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on that line?" The man said, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

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Witch Doctor Cures His Impotence
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind.", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ........ The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "All you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?