SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE. -- Brooke Shields
THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP. -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous, speaking on Larry King Live
THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER. -- Former Chicago mayor Daley, during the infamous 1968 convention
IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL. -- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS. -- Former Australian Cabinet Minister Keppel Enderbery
IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO. -- Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE. -- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET. -- Republican Presidential Candidate Bob Dole
IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS. -- Andrew Mathis
IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK. -- Boston mayor Menino, on the shortage of city parking spaces
I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE. -- Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF. --Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES. -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT. -- Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS. -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE. -- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT. --A congressional candidate in Texas
THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE. -- Former U.S. President Dwight D.Eisenhower
BILLION HERE, BILLION THERE, PRETTY SOON YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT REAL MONEY. --Everett Dirksen
HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL. -- Philadelphia Phillies Manager Danny Ozark
IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT. -- Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND. -- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET. -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX. " Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but four rights don't get you anywhere.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be darn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel P(e)ace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A female teacher was testing her 2nd grade boys class's
imagination. She puts her hand in a box removes something without the
class seeing what it was puts her hand behind and asks "Class I am
holding something in my hand, its round, red and is edible, wha is
it?
Several hands went up. Teacher, "Yes John" John, "its an apple"
Teacher, "No John, who else can try" Peter, "its an orange"
Teachers, "No"
James, "it a tomato"
Teacher, "very good Peter, that's correct"
Ken's hand is up "Teacher, I also want to test the class's imagination"
Teacher encouragingly, "Okay, go ahead"
Ken putting his hand in his trousers pocket, "I am holding
something in my hand, its one inch long and has a head, what is it?"
Class was quite and no one had his hand up. Teacher thinks quickly
and says in a disgusting voice, "Ken sit down and keep quite, I don't
want any of your silly jokes" Ken, smiling removes his hand from his
pocket and says, "it's a match stick, teacher you have a lot of
imagination"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to a fancy dress party last night, and saw a woman there who was completely naked, except for a pair of black gloves and a pair of black boots, so I said to her "What have you come as?" She replied "The five of spades."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The good news is the Republican Congress's economy is creating
millions of new jobs every year.
The bad news is they're all telemarketers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The good news is the Republican Congress's economy is creating millions of new jobs every year.
The bad news is they're all telemarketers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Personal Ad"
SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup truck. Hunting Camping Fishing trips. Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work. Kiss me and I'm yours. I'm a svelte good looking girl who loves to play. Call 565-2121 and ask for Daisy. The phone number is the ASPCA and I'm an eight week old black Labrador.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" "Yes, Dear, He did." "And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl? Again the answer was "yes." The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?...... No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer is arrested, accused of bestiality. Too indigent to hire an attorney, the Public Defender comes to visit the farmer.
"So," the farmers says, "are you any good?"
The Public Defender responds, "Well, I'm not so good at opening arguments... and I'm not so good at summations... and, well I'm not so good at anything in between."
The farmer responds incredulously, "So what are you good at?"
The attorney responds, "Well, I'm pretty good at picking juries."
The farmer, not having an alternative, throws his fate to the Public Defender.
The day of the trial arrives, and the farmer is being grilled by the Prosecuting Attorney...
"So, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that the goat in question is your goat?"
"Yep, she is."
"And, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that on the day in question you were seen out in the field having sex with your goat?"
There is silence in the courtroom, and before the farmer can answer, over in the jury box, one juror leans over to another and whispers, "You know, a good goat will do that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any.
She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between Bill Clinton & John F Kennedy?
One had their head blown off in the back of a car & the other was assassinated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can always tell and intelligent person. Their view is the same as yours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-rayed instead. "Oh, no!" cried the lab technician. "Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!" "What does that mean?" asked the worried young man. "It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes into a shoe store in a short skirt and starts to try on different pairs of shoes with the help of a clerk. It is immediately obvious to the clerk, as he is kneeling in front of her, that she is not wearing any underwear. As he continues to help the woman, he becomes increasingly excited and uncomfortable. Finally, unable to control himself any longer, he lifts the front of her skirt and tells her, "Lady, if you were to fill that thing with ice cream, I'd eat it all out!"
The woman becomes furious, slaps the clerk on the face, and runs out. She immediately drives home and tells her husband about the incident and asks him, "What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing", comes the reply.
"Why not?", she asks
"Three reasons", he says,
o You have enough pairs of goddamn shoes already, and you don't need to be wasting my money;
o You should wearing some goddamn underwear when you leave the house;
o There's no way in hell that I'm going to mess around with someone who can eat THAT MUCH ice cream!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I know some of you don't like lists, but read this one.I was really impressed.) Ed
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
=========================
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In article 3558D086.3032A75D@PLEASENOSPAMnetzone.com, Chris webb@PLEASENOSPAMnetzone.com wrote: As a former dog breeder, I can tell you that dogs will indeed breed with any immediate member of their family. (some don't even care if it is a member of the opposite sex or not.) We always had to separate the bitches in heat from all the males, especially family, because offspring So if you called the dog a motherfucking son of a bitch, I guess you'd just be expressing things literally.
Sorry, someone had to say it. You knew it was coming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Seinfeldisms
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two cowboys were leanin' up against the rail at their favorite bar.... They're tired and worn out from a long day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talking, watchin' the women go by... This really beautiful brunette walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look at each other, smile, and one of them says, "I'll give her a 3."
The other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 for sure." Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic lookin redhead, comes walkin by in front of them... First cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4." The second cowboy agrees and says, "Yep... she sure is a 4."
Time passes on, and the cowboys are still sippin' their beers, just watchin' folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful blonde.... As she comes near them, they both kind a straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look. First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn! That one has GOT to be a 6." The second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a 6."
Well, the woman hears them.. and she is NOT amused... She turns around real sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys... She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing there rating women?!?"
The cowboys look kind a embarrassed... lookin down at their boots, and they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand...." She is REAL mad now... and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."
And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!" And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand. Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT!."
And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kind a rating system ....."
The blonde, says, "Oh. And what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a SIX before!"
And the second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."
So she asks, "What the hell is the Budweiser method?"
And the first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, reeeeal slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For centuries, the English have had a love affair with all types of hunting. Early one morning, a fellow was blasting away at a clump of brush on a grouse hunt.
Suddenly an outraged gentleman appeared and said "See here old man, you almost shot my wife with that volley."
The hunter, properly shamed replied, "So sorry old chap. Here, have a go at mine, over there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the dyslexic Canadian Mountie?
He tied up his whistle and blew his horse!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
****** Contemporary Latin Phrases ****** (Dead Culture in a Deal Language)
"E Pluribus Tupac." (Rap is everywhere.)
"Veni, vidi, Pesci." (I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)
"Revelare Pecunia!" (Show Me The Money!)
"Robotisticus Governantimus Inevitabilitus." (Al Gore is GOING to be President.)
"Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat." (Yeah, where *do* I want to go today??)
"Sic semper tyrannus." (Your dinosaur is ill.)
"No Quid Pro Quo." (I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)
"Cavaet humanus sic tofu burritus e toga." (Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yo' Momma's so ugly...
...when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
...when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.
...the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
...her face is closed on weekends.
Yo' Momma's so old...
...she still owes Moses a quarter!
...her birthday's expired.
...when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
...when she was young, rainbows were in black and white.
...her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it.
And, Yo Momma's so dumb...
...they had to burn down the school to get her out of 2nd grade.
...she thinks Johnny Cash is a toilet.
...she sold her car to get gas money.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
...she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Viagra's "Street Name" - - - - Magic Johnson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the armadillo/raccoon that it was possible.
But why did the chicken cross the road again? Because it was a double-crosser.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the beach? To get to the other tide.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell station!
Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck in the chicken.
Why did the scientist cross the road? To invent the other side.
Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side.
Why did Dr. Kevorkian cross the road? To help the patient find the other side.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More dumb chicken jokes..
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Psychiatrist: What's wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.
Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.
Why do hens lay eggs? If they dropped them, they'd break.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie, of course.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.
They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got strength but no length." Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends, I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."
Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends... ...that you were a wizard under the sheets."
=========================
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."
The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If yo uwant to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'II showyou how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.
"You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old age is when a broad mind and a narrow waist trade places.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old couple who have found love late in life...in their nineties....have married. On the first night of their honeymoon she goes into the bathroom of the hotel to slip into a very revealing nightie. As she steps out into the waiting arms of her new hus nd she says," I must warn you, I have acute angina." The old fella steps back to get a look at his bride and says, "That's good cause your tits are ugly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banta was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120#'s 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!!! The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman was walking along the street when she saw a ladder with a notice attached to the bottom rungs. It said CLIMB THE LADDER TO SUCCESS. It so intrigued her she climbed to the top of a flat roof where she found a naked man. "Who are your?" she asked. "I'm Cess," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why don't woman need watches ?
Because there's a clock on the stove
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY
1) You have to take out the garbage.
2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3) No sofas in your restrooms.
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5) Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
8) You have to wear ties.
9) You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10 ) "Women and children first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do
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When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch.
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I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." "What am I, a microwave?"
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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
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Two days are the best of a man's wedded life, The days when he marries and buries his wife.
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Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
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Married men live longer than single men, But married men are a lot more willing to die.
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Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
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Women have two weapons cosmetics and tears.
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The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:
"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million. To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million. And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought that I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!"
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What do you get when you cross two Black people?
Your ass kicked!
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What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
The top of her head.
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What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.
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I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?" the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
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Top 100 reasons to be a Women
Here we go, top 100 reasons its better to be a woman:
1 women can get laid anytime they want
2 women never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3 women piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk
4 women get out of speeding tickets by crying
5 women get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6 women can sleep our way to the top of the class
7 women get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8 women can marry rich and then not have to work
9 women never have to pay when they go out on dates
10 men take women on all expense paid trips - all women have to do is sleep with them
11 men light cigarettes for women
12 men hold the door open for women
13 women pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14 women are cuter
15 women lie better
16 women are better manipulators
17 women always end up sleeping in the bed when they fight with their other halves - men get the couch
18 women always have food in the fridge
19 when women cook, it doesn't precede a trip to the ER or a visit from the fire dept
20 women always get to choose the movie
21 women don't have to mow the lawn
22 women don't have to take out the garbage
23 women don't have to paint the house or walls
24 PMS - yet another excuse to bitch at men
25 cosmopolitan
26 women can con their way out of anything - not just dig themselves deeper into a hole
27 men unlock the woman's side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold
28 PMS is a legal defense for murder
29 men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
30 women can masturbate more in a day than men
31 2 words - multi orgasmic
32 women don't have to constantly adjust their genitals
33 sweat is sexy on women
34 so men never run out of excuses
35 guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but women could be having it that often
36 doggie style - that way women get to watch the game too
37 women get expensive jewelry as gifts that they NEVER have to give back
38 women get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time cuz men fuck up so often
39 women can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner
40 women are cleaner
41 women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you men didn't know)
42 women are better arguers
43 women don't always have to think with their genitals
44 massage!!!!
45 women are better parents
46 women never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47 there's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48 women are flexible
49 when women get pissed they don't destroy property or hurt people - they just take it out on the world in general because they can
50 menopause - thank god women not capable of having children after there 50
51 menstruation - just another excuse to use so they can say "no" to sex
52 men in uniform
53 there is no penis envy
54 women can just roll over and go to sleep after they masturbate because there's no messy clean-up
55 it generally takes women less to get drunk
56 women have a higher tolerance to pain
57 women often get to cut in line
58 most women actually look good in short shorts - men DONT
59 better tips
60 women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
61 women have mastered civilized eating - they don't embarrass their friends or make loud bodily noises in public
62 women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank god for long pants and perfume!
63 women can connive men into doing their homework, writing their papers or carrying their books anytime they want
64 women don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65 women don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66 men will pay women for sex
67 smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make women sterile
68 women can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69 men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but women can have sex with an entire football team at once if they want
70 men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71 women sweat less
72 women smell better
73 when women make their boyfriends mad, they don't have to waste money on flowers or cards - a blowjob and sex fixes all
74 men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75 women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76 women have three accessible holes
77 they don't get embarrassed when buying tampons
78 women are better gossips
79 women have better fashion sense
80 women are better shoppers
81 women don't have to make fools out of themselves to impress a man
82 women's friends don't pick on them if we arent sleeping with anyone
83 men don't know what women's 'girl talk' is all about
84 women are all sittin' on a gold mine - they know it and use it to their extreme advantage
85 women don't have to drive when on a date
86 an ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just fucked
87 women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line
88 women know how fake it
89 women look better naked
90 women know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
91 when women are short, they're petite, when men are short, they're just short
92 women do less time for violent crime
93 women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94 an oblong vegetable is all women need for a good time any night
95 women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
96 women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97 women never have to see combat
98 the remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99 women are sexier
and the 100th reson its better to be a woman - this one is definitely worthy of reiteration:
100 women can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY they want it!
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"Dad", asked little Roy, "do you have any idea why storks lift one leg when they eat?" "Sure," dad replied. "If they lifted two they'd fall over."
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A little girl is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Twinkie, while the barber cuts her hair. The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie." The little girl looks up with a big smile and says, "I know, and I'm getting titties too!!!!"
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A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd Scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man's business trip gets cancelled so he is at home instead, with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but at about midnight the phone rings. Before the wife can get it, the man rolls over and answers it.....
"Hello? What? How the hell should I know .... I live in Phoenix."
He slams the phone down, and rolls over grumbling. His wife asks, somewhat nervously, "Who was it dear?"
"I don't know," the man replied, "Some idiot.....wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Kurt stood on the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
"You bastard !" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good God damn stinking bastard !"
"What's your problem Mattie ?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly told you only if it rained."
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The General was doing his monthly visit to the army hospital. He stopped at the first bed and asked "What is your problem soldier?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir," the soldier replied. " How do they treat them?" the General wanted to know. "The nurse comes in the morning and brushes them with medication." said the soldier. "Good! Have you any complaints? "No, thank you Sir".
The General stops a the second bed and the same conversation took place
"What is your problem soldier?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir," the soldier replied. " How do they treat them?" the General wanted to know. "The nurse comes in the morning and brushes them with medication." said the soldier. "Good! Have you any complaints? "No, thank you Sir"
Then he stops at the bed of the third soldier.
"What is your problem soldier?" "Tonsillitis Sir," the soldier replied " How do they treat them?" the General wanted to know. "The nurse comes in the morning and brushes them with medication." said the soldier. "Good! Have you any complaints? "Yes Sir, I have - From now on, I would like to be the first to be brushed!
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Chris was a very avid golfer who had played at each and every course in the country. One day while teeing off, he collapsed from a heart attack and found himself standing in front of the Pearly Gates.
St Peter said that though he wasn't a bad person, he also did his share of un-heavenly things, and so he was being given a choice of where to go.
So Chris took the tour of all of Heaven's mansions and flowing wine, etc., etc.
The he was taken down to Hell where the devil himself took some time out to show him around.
While on tour, Chris saw the best course he'd ever seen. Small streams, beautiful sand traps, rolling greens. Unlimited access to the course, his own cart, finest golf clubs, and golden tees. Chris was astounded and informed St. Peter that he would making his eternal home Hell.
Chris immediately sets off for the first tee, looks around for a ball to begin his first nine hole. When he couldn't find one he turned to Satan and asked where are the golf balls?
The devil replied, "*That's* the hell of it."
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but she's the kind of woman who gets a new wardrobe by taking off the old one.
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Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? " Steven Wright
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I called the paper to put in an ad, but I couldn't tell the lady about it because it was classified.
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Infants don't enjoy infancy like adults do adultery.
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After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well", he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else" , I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys", he said. "The second week , they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump".
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Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute." Marie snapped. "You're just saying that to make me jealous."
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A little boy and his parents are at the circus. The father goes to get some popcorn just when the elephant show starts. The little boy points and asks his mother "Mommy, what's that?"
To which his mother replies. "That's an elephant."
The boy says "I know that. I mean that."
And the mother says "That's his trunk."
And the boy again says "I know that, I mean that." The mother looks again to where he is pointing and says "That's its tail."
But the boy is not happy with that answer either. He points again and says "No Mommy, that."
The mother looks again and understands. "Oh that, that's nothing."
A few moments pass and the father returns with the popcorn and the mother runs off to the restroom. The little boy points and asks his father Daddy, what's that?"
To which his father replies. "That's an elephant."
The boy says "I know that. I mean that."
And his father says "That's his trunk."
And the boy again says "I know that, I mean that."
The father says "That's its tail."
The boy points one last time and says "No Daddy, that."
His father looks to his son and says "That's it's penis."
To which the boy says "Mommy says it's nothing."
The father leans back in his seat and sighs a bit and says "I've spoiled that woman."
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Q. What is the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS AND A TERRORIST?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
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"...and to my wife, Greta, who always claimed a headache when I wanted sex, I leave all my aspirins."
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A Little Male-Bashing
Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football stadium.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?
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A big-time executive walked into a bar and sat down next to a drunk who was studying something in his hand. The executive leaned closer as the drunk held the object up to the light. "Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said. Then rolled it around in his fingers and added, "and it feels like rubber."
Curious the executive asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk shook his head. "Damned if I know. It looks like plastic and feels like rubber!"
The executive said, "Let me take a look." He examined it, rolled it between his fingers and said, "Yeah, you're right. It does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
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A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentione dsomething about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told thedrunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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There was a young lady named Alice, Used a dynamite stick for a phallus, The found her vagina, In South Carolina, And the rest of her anus in Dallas.
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What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.
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Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
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Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
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Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong turns. When I finally found the right road, I asked my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" "I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."
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Sign on an "old" car's bumper: "This car is constipated, can't pass a thing!"
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Three men at the whore house...
The one going in, Him a Russain
The one leaving - Him Finnish
The one inside - Himalayan
I heard a slightly different version years ago. What nationality are you if you are.......
You are heading for the outhouse? You're Russian
You are leaving the outhouse? You're Finnish
You are in the outhouse? European
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True golfers should understand the words laid out here.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases proportionately with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down, and worshipped.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent - or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor.
Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol (Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.)
Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering (Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.)
Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my boy is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Annie (Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.)
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Former U.S. Sen. Bob Dole announced that he was a test subject for the anti- impotence drug Viagra.
"It is a great drug," said the retired senator, who was diagnosed with prostate cancer.
The next day, Dole's wife Libby was asked about the drug. "Let me just say ... it's a great drug."
Mrs. Clinton, on the other hand, is asking Pfizer (the creators of Viagra) if they can develop a new drug... Anti-Viagra.
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What women say after sex:
A prostitute: That will be two hundred dollars.
Your girlfriend: Did you enjoy it as much as I did, Baby?
Your wife: Beige. I think we should paint the ceiling beige.
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I've come to the conclusion that the two biggest liars in the world are the guest who keeps saying "I really must be going." and the host who asks "What's your hurry ?"
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This damn "Sesame Street" generation. I asked my secretary the other day to take a letter. She picked "N".
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This polish guy comes home to his wife with a big handful of dogshit in both hands.
He walks up to her and says " Look what I almost stepped in!"