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Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?

A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

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At a sex liberation convention an expert on sexual problems addressed his audience: "A good sexual life is very good; you prevent a lot of stress in having regular sex. Normally two or three times a week will do. Who of you does have a healthy sex life ?" 80 or so people raised their hands. "And how many do have sex once a month ?" Maybe 10 hands were raised. "And is there somebody who has less sex ?" A fine young man stood up and waved his hand. "Me, sir", he smiled, "I have sex once a year." "ONCE A YEAR ??" the expert exclaimed. "But why are you smiling then ?" "Tonight's the night..."

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Three doctors die on the same day, and arrive at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks the first about his specialty:

'A pediatrician', the doctors answers.

'Pass right through', Saint Peter says and turns to the next.

'An Oncologist', is his answer, and Saint Peter ushers him in too.

'And you?' he asks the third.

'I work for an HMO', the doctor says.

'OK, you're in,' Saint Peter replies, 'but you'll have to leave in 48 hours'.

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An elderly couple went to the Doctor for a checkup. The Dr. told the old man he would need a sperm specimen, stool specimen and urine specimen. The old man was hard of hearing and said to his wife "what did he say?" "what did he say?". She said, in a loud voice, "he said he needs a pair of your shorts."

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A gay man walks into a butcher shop and says "Give me the biggest stick of pepperoni you have." The butcher goes out back and brings around his biggest stick "Is this big enough for you." "Oh, yes! That is huge." The butcher puts the stick on the counter and proceeds to slice the pepperoni. The gay man shrieks! "What do you think my ass is, a piggybank?"

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Q. Why is there so much Domestic Violence in the world?

A: Because women just don't listen......

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Hillary and Monica are driving to attend a Kenneth Starr deposition in Monica's father's Range Rover. Suddenly, as they turn the corner, an armed gang surrounds the car. "Give us your money", they shout at Hillary.

"But I'm the First Lady, I don't need to carry cash."

"Oh, !@#$%", says the gang leader, and turns to Monica. "Give us yer jewelry."

"But I don't wear jewelry all the time, only to White House formals."

The gang members looked suspicious, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car. We'll take the Range Rover at least," and with that the gang drove off.

As Hillary and Monica are waiting for the police to get there, Monica turns to the First Lady and asks, "What did you do to all the cash you had? I saw it in your wallet earlier."

"Well," says Hillary with a wink, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up the bills and tucked them into that little place that women have." Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand dollars in bills.

"And what did you do with your jewelry? You always wear *lots* of jewelry, young lady," Hillary says to Monica.

"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and bracelet, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewelry.

They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before Hillary turns to Monica... "You know, if Paula Jones had been with us, we still would have the Range Rover."

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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines,"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash,"
The second nun said, "well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.

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If a bra is an upper topper flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet paper is a super dooper pooper scooper; What do you call a punch drunk Japanese fighter with a father that has diarrhea? A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy!

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If you cross poison ivy with four-leaf clovers you get a rash of good luck.

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My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. Now I'm wondering how he found out.

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WOMEN DO NOT SNORE, BURP, SWEAT OR FART.

THEREFORE, THEY MUST BITCH OR THEY WILL BLOW UP

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FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression her face."

DAUGHTER: "OK"

....Later....

DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face.

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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is, "Don't tell the butcher!"

-Rodney Dangerfield

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A woman walks into a tavern, sits up at the bar and orders a Pilsner. She drinks it down and then "BAM" she passes out. The regulars not being ones to miss an opportunity, take her into the back room and have sex with her, then prop her up in the alley.

The next day the same woman comes in, sits at the bar and orders a Pilsner. BAM she passes out and the boys take her into the back room again and have sex with her, then put her into the alley.

The third day the same woman walks in and sits at the bar, and the bartender says "would you like a Pilsner today"? She replies "No more Pilsner, make it a draft, that Pilsner makes my pussy sore".

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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

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SOME "COWBOY WISDOM"

* Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
* There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
* Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
* It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
* A smart ass just doesn't fit in a saddle.
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* Work like you don't need the money.
* Dance like no one is watching.
· Love like you've never been hurt.

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DID YOU HEAR about the new organization called AAA-AA? It's for drunks who want to get driven to drink.

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One day Bill Clinton is scheduled to give a speech at an elementary school, so he asks the teacher what the children are studying. She says the kids are learning about Greek tragedies, so the President decides to make tragedies the topic of his discussion

He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?" The kid thinks for a moment and says, "If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies, that's a tragedy." "No," Clinton says, "I don't think that's a tragedy ... That's an accident."

Then the Prez asks another kid for an example. The second kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die." This time Clinton says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss."

For a third time Clinton asks a kid to give an example of a tragedy. "If you, Hillary, and Al Gore are on Air Force One and someone plants a bomb on it and blows you guys to pieces," the third youngster says.

"Right!" Clinton says. "That would be a tragedy... How did you ever know that?"

Quickly, the kid replies, "Because I know it's not an accident, and I know it's not a great loss."

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Q. What is the difference between men and women?

A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

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NEW Rush Job Calendar

[View with courier font to see numbers line up correctly]

NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE

8 7 6 5 4 3 2

16 15 14 12 11 10 9

23 22 21 20 19 18 17

32 30 28 27 26 25 24

39 38 37 36 35 34 33

* This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar, a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

* Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week.

* There are eight new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs.

* There is no 1st of the month -- thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

* Monday morning hangovers are abolished together along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

* A new day, Negotiation Day, has been introduced keeping the other days free for un-interrupted panic.

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Definition of OLD TIMER,

n. [1] one who can remember when folks sat down at the table and counted their blessings instead of calories;
[2] a person who remembers when people wearing blue jeans worked;
[3] one who can remember back to when a telephone was a convenience;
[4] a geezer who can remember when "setting the world on fire" was only a figure of speech;
[5] is a guy who distinctly remembers the 5-cent cigar but forgets the 10-hour, 6-day workweek;
[6] one who still remember swhen the red menace was made of flannel, had a flap in the back, and donned in the winter;
[7] a guy who realizes that his kid's history lessons are what he read in the newspapers;
[8] the person who can remember that, when you bought $5 worth of groceries, the clerk reminded you to hold the bag by the bottom;
[9] a father who rememberswhen a juvenile delinquent was a youngster returning from the woodshed;
[10] a man who is old enough not to care what anyone says about him -- and no one does;
[11] is a senior citizen who can remember when you could get the landlord to fix anything by threatening to move;
[12] a person who can remember when you didn't even think of Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving;
[13] is a duffer who recalls that the only improper things you learned in school were fractions;
[14] a man who can remember the time when it was easy to distinguish between a bathing beach and a nudist camp;
[15] a man who can remember when you could light a cigarette at either end;
[16] one who can remember when there was hot criticism of the extravagance of a government when it gave away free garden seeds;
[17] a person who can remember when charity was a virtue, and not an industry;
[18] a person who can recollect when a new baby was considered an addition instead of a deduction;
[19] a man who can remember when his only parking problem was getting the girl to sayOK;
[20] a man who can remember when a lady looked the same after washing her face;
[21] a guy who can remember when the sky was the limit;
[22] a person who remembers when buttons were sewn -- not pushed.

=========================

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Shit Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

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Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?

A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

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The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

"So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

The marine said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job"

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said " he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand....."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge"! " then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.

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Why do men masturbate?

Because it's sex with someone they truly love.

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A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur),

"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "No way! You get violent when you drink."

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All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

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WE BE TOYS AN SHIT

Have you ever wondered what kind of toys sell in "da hood"? Well, I know I have. So I took a trip downtown to the local toy store, "We Be Toys An' Shit" (aka Toys 'R Us) and did some research as to what toys sold the best. I found out that the toy stores in "da hood" sell basically the same things as regular toy stores, except most of the toys are changed to be more appealing to the minority children.

Below is a list of the top selling toys in "da hood". The toys are listed from the number 1 seller down and each has a handy description. Enjoy.

1.Puerto Rican Barbie Includes: Stolen Social Security Card 16 Illegitimate Kids Food Stamps Lee Press-on Nails Hot Pants Counterfeit Green Card and features the President Clinton PC Seal of Approval. Also Available: Puerto Rican Barbie's Banana Boat Getaway Board Game Additional Wardrobe by Tommy Hilfigger and Adidas

2.Hispanic GI Joe Airborne Trooper and

3.Black GI Joe Military Policeman The REAL American Heroes Both realistic figures portray minorities in a positive light Both have realistic weapons for killing the white devil Both figures come with ski masks for those late night creeps feature the President Clinton PC Seal of Approval GI Joe: Bringing the Army back to the streets, boyee.

4.The Slammer Basketball Hoop Set Why get an education when there's basketball? The Slammer Hoop Set will have you slam dunking like Jordan in no time It's easy to assemble and features a picture of Shaq on the backboard Teach your kid to play hoops now before he ends up selling crack on the corner.

5.The 40 Ounce Twins Their crack fiend mother dropped them off in a dumpster, and they need you to take care of them. Both twins have their own refillable 40 ounce of Olde English Learn to clean up and care for the twins when they wet themselves or take a crap Dolls have real afros for you to braid and dread Lifelike convulsions from crack withdrawals!

6.Need A Hit Elmo Comes with a crack pipe (rock not included) and syringe After a fix, he will burst out laughing uncontrolably. Convulses and drools when he hasn't had his fix in awhile (teaches you responsibility and care for a dope baby, because you will have one some day) He says "phat" phrases like: "What up, nigga! Got any rock?!" "Yo, I needs ma fix, yo." and "Don make me buss a cap in yo punk ass, nigga!" Available in all gangs colors, so you know Elmo is down with your set

7.My First Drive-By Bicycle Includes: Removable training wheels, so your child can learn to ride a real bike Mountable AK-47 which attaches to the handle bars Gun fires while stationary or while mobile, so you can learn to shoot while you ride. Also Available: Night vision goggles for those late night creeps on them "busta-ass niggaz" that were disrespecting you down at the playground.

8.Baby Gold Toof This baby rapper/gangster doesn't take shit from no one A militant toddler ready to represent his hood, Baby Gold Toof, is a real OG Wind him up and watch him scrawl the words "Bad Mutha Fukka" on the playground walls with his mini Krylon can. Includes: Krylon Spray Paint Can Miniature 9mm Bandana of your color choice a free Wu Tang Clan tape and a certificate for a free 40 oz. bottle of St. Ides

9.Nintendo 6-4 Since the regular Nintendo 64 was too complicated for the ghetto youth, Nintendo created the ethnic friendly, Nintendo 6-4 Features simple one button controller so you can drink your 40 and play at the same time Translates game dialogue into ebonics for easier comprehension Comes in standard black color No more boring educational games! All games involve shooting or looting. Comes with the hit arcade shooter "Fuck da Police" and the top selling "Hood Fighter 3" game

10.the Ebonics See and Say Made with the urban youth in mind Simply, point the arrow and pull the chord! It's simple! Even grandpa can do it! Each picture represents a letter of the alphabet: A for "ass", B for "busta-ass niggaz", C for "crack pipe, D for "Dolemite", F for "forty ounce", H for "ho", P for "punk-ass niggaz", and so on!

I hope you found this trip through the hottest toys in the hood educational. I'll be back around Christmas/Kwanza time to keep you updated on what to buy your little "gangsta" for the holiday season.

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What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common? They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

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President Clinton and Hillary are at a baseball game. They are sitting up in the V.I.P section. Before the game begins, the umpire yells something up to Mr. Clinton. Clinton then proceeds to lift Hillary out of her seat, and throw her over the railing and onto the field. The umpire shouts "No Mr. President!! I said 'Throw out the FIRST PITCH!!!'"

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A Dictionary for Women
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner".
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.

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It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

===========================

One day, an young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint "help me, help me". She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog.

"Oh, thank you, thank you" says the frog, "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."

So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince.

You don't believe that?

Neither did her mother!

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Top ten things that would be different if the 12 Apostles had been gay:
10. The Last Supper would have been a brunch.
9. The beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they...."
8. The Triumphal Entry screams for a drag number.
7. The water at the wedding feast of Canna would not have been changed to wine, but to extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
6. The temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just redecorated.
5. Mary's hair would have been flawless.
4. The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.
3. Priests would have affairs with alter boys.......wait, never mind.
2. Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
1. The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Birmingham, England, a former topless model known as "Tasty Tara" was inadvertently selected as one of nine local citizens to welcome President Clinton and other summit leaders.

You'd think they'd be more worried about reputations being tarnished by fraternizing with someone so sleazy... ...but she said she wasn't worried about her reputation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly, blind, Aggie Lady stood at the entrance of Nordstrom with her seeing eye dog. In a moment she reached down and picked up herdog by the tail and widely started to swing the dog around-and-around over her head. The store manager, witnessing the this unique scene rushed to the blind lady and asked, "Lady, can I help you? Quickly she replied, "No thanks... I am just looking around.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells. "You need more tail". The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEN ARE LIKE....

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like laxatives.... they irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like parking spots.... the good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At one of the local nursing homes, a little old man got ahold of his son's Viagra. He took off all his clothes and ran through the cafeteria during lunch yelling, "Super Sex! SUPER SEX!" One little old lady in the back was heard to say, "I believe I'll have the soup."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be careful with Viagra. It affects your short-term memory.
Be careful with Viagra. It affects your short-term memory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?

He married her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny has a problem. He swears too much. He cusses like a sailor. Johnny's teacher is aware of this, so she is going to be extra careful not to let Johnny cuss today.

"Okay, class. We're going to play a game today. I'm going to name a letter of the alphabet and I want you to come up with a word that starts with that letter and put it in a sentence."

The kids are excited, especially Johnny, who's thinking of every cuss word he can think of.

"Okay, class, let's start with the letter A." Johnny raises his hand.

"Susie," the teacher calls. "A is for apple. Apples grow on trees," she replies. "Very good," the teacher says. "Okay, class, let's do the letter B." Johnny raises his hand excitedly.

"Mikey," the teacher calls. "B is for baseball. Baseball is my favorite sport."

"Very good," the teacher says. "Okay, class, let's do the letter C." Johnny raises both hands! He's going nuts! He's got the perfect word for C!!

"Bobby," the teacher calls. "C is for cat. A cat lives in my backyard."

"Very good," The teacher says. This goes on and on, and the teacher is not going to call on Johnny if there's a cuss word that starts with the letter she calls out. Finally, she gets to the letter R. The teacher can't think of a single cuss word that starts with R, and even Johnny looks a little puzzled. So she calls out R and asks Johnny to respond.

Johnny nervously stands up. He looks around the room. Then he says "R is for a Rat...," he suddenly gets excited and stretches both arms wide, "...a big old fucking rat with a dick this big!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do-It-Yourself Ethic Insults

* _ _ _ _ _ aren't allowed to swim in the river. They leave a ring around the shore.

* Did you hear about the _ _ _ _ _ jigsaw puzzle ? It has one piece.

* Why does the new _ _ _ _ _ navy have glass bottomed boats ? So they can see the old _ _ _ _ _ navy.

* It's true a _ _ _ _ _ invented the toilet seat. Of course, it was a _ _ _ _ _ who put a hole in it.

* What do you watch out for at a _ _ _ _ _ used car lot ? They're always turning the fuel gauges back.

* Why don't _ _ _ _ _ have pimples ? They keep sliding off their faces.

* Why do _ _ _ _ _ have doormats inside their homes ? So they can wipe their feet off before they go outside.

* How can you tell a _ _ _ _ _ airliner when it's snowing. They're the ones with chains on the propellers.

* Two _ _ _ _ _ got their luggage mixed-up at the airport. They both had K-Mart shopping bags.

* They held a beauty contest in _ _ _ _ _ recently. The winner came in third.

* How do you sink a _ _ _ _ _ submarine ? Have a frogman knock on the hatch.

* What's the national sport of _ _ _ _ _ ? Javelin catching.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy's Household Laws

A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved

Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one

A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one

The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed

The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage

Three children plus two cookies equals a fight

The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers

The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature

The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half sibling showers

What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shortly after Sonny Bono's untimely demise, I was having a drink with my friend Harry, a highly respected superior court judge. He mentioned that his father had been Sonny and Cher's chief publicist, and had stayed with Sonny after the couple's domestic and professional breakup.

He said that Sonny had been quite bitter after the split, and had instructed his dad to cut up all the existing publicity photos so that only Sonny's picture remained. I observed that he had done remarkably well despite his humble beginnings. "I don't understand," he puzzled. I explained: "Considering the fact that ... you were raised the son of a Cher cropper." (By Dan Dutcher)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What has 18 legs and 2 tits?

A. The supreme court.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighborhood?

A. By the dead horses on cinderblocks in the front yard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers ?

A. Fred Astair's face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?" "No," says Carlos. Armando askes, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?" "No," says Carlos. "Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?" "Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. "Theen tell me why, " asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sinatra family members insist that, despite his death, Frank is in perfect health.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is sexually transmitted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing car. The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking back at the drunk shouted, "Why don't you look out!" The drunk raised his head and asked, "Why...are you gonna back up now?"!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The stripper thought she needed something to boost her show, so she went to her local tattoo artist and had him inscribe a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one buttock and Holyfield on the other. When she got home she asked her boyfriend to take a look, since she couldn't see them for herself. He asked her to bend over, and then bend over again. After a pause, she asked, "Well, Fred, how do you like the tattoos?" "I recognize the one on the right to be Mike Tyson and the one on the left to be Holyfield," he said, "Is that Don King in the middle?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe". Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".

"No", said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A deeply religious lady was extremely depressed by her frequent sexual episodes. Neither daily prayer nor visits to her minister resolved her nymphomania, so she went to a shrink. After hearing the woman out, the psych told her that if she committed to twice weekly visits for treatment, he could help her overcome her compulsive and excessive religiosity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs?

A: Nice tits. Bitch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?

A: A woman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nose Picking Glossary

* THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is there is no limit.

* CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

* FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but your really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

* MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your probably entitled to dessert.

* SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

* AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.

* PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger goes in so far it passes the septum.

* PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

* PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.

* PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.

* PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "PICK AND FLICK" but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

* PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves your breathing by 90%.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have cursor, will curse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ask not for whom the bell tolls: let the machine get it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

========================

Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.

Jimmy: "How did you get here?"

Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"

Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack."

Johnny: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer we'd both be alive!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is watching a lion taming act at the circus. The lion tamer's finale involves holding his genitalia between the lion's gaping jaws for a full two minutes. This is greeted with rapturous applause. Afterwards the lion tamer promises 1000 pounds to anyone who will try the trick. The man leaps up and shouts, "I'll try, but I'm not sure can hold my mouth that wide for so long."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night in New York City, Hillary Clinton took in a ballet at the Met in Lincoln Center. Meanwhile, back in Washington, President Clinton took in a ballet dancer that he met in the Lincoln Bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is green, 2 miles long and has an asshole every 2 feet?

A. The St. Patrick's Day parade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet.

Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"

"Nope," came the reply.

Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"

The man also replied, "Nope."

"Oops, it must have been an inside job."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why does a man have a clear conscience?

A. Because it's never used.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?

A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night...always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.

On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.

"Awww come on," I said. "It wasn't that bad."

"Your ordering didn't help matters," she said fuming.

"What?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."

"One at a time!" she yelled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between 'oh' and 'ahh'?

A. About 4 inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?

A. Tulips on your organ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Which of the following doesn't belong?

(a) meat

(b) eggs

(c) wife

(d) blowjob.

A. (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the new O.J. website address?

A. slash slash backslash escape.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP 10 NEW YEARS RESOLUTION FOR INTERNET JUNKIES
1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.
3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
5. I resolve to back up my 1GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...
6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.
7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
8. I will read the manual.
9. I will think of a password other than "password."
10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.

Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.

15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my fucking boots!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to rewire the socket so that Netscape light bulbs won't work in it, one to rewrite Sun's light bulbs into something unrecognizable (and non-functional), and one to convince the justice department that all Microsoft light bulbs are conforming to anti-trust laws.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning I grounded a Viagra pill and mixed it with my shampoo. Now all my hair stands up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips ?

A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?" The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated,"What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yell, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, what?" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of '-key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?" The Japanese asked, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!
1 EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2 SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3 CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4 TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5 INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6 CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
7 WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8 FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
9 ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10 CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11 SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
12 PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
13 DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14 TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15 EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16 FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17 LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18 DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
19 DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20 CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
21 RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Past 50, men are faced with a lot of temptations -- Usually, they pick the one that gets them home earliest

* Middle age is when you know your way around --
But you'd rather not go
* I don't have wrinkles, I have "laugh lines" --
I laugh an awful lot !
* Middle age is when your Granddaughter asks you about the 60's
Because they're studying the era in history class
* Being 55 is a lot like driving 55 on the highway --
So many people pass ya.
* Middle age is when you can't turn off your VCR --
or turn on the girls
* Now that I can easily afford to lose a golf ball --
I can't hit any that far anyway
* Middle age is a time when it takes longer to rest
than it does to get tired
* You know you're slipping when you put tenderizer
on your hot oatmeal in the morning
* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun --
And fun is a lot more work
* At 55, everything's starting to click for me --
My elbows, my neck, my knees
* Middle age is when women lie about their age --
Some women even lie about their dog's age

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the day was over."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife go on their honeymoon and are in their hotel room for the night when the husband jumps on top of his wife and starts to rip her clothes off. The wife slaps the husband across the face and says "what happened to your manners, go in the bathroom and put on your pajamas and come back to bed and show me that you have manners". So the husband goes to the bathroom, puts on his pajamas and comes back to bed. The husband gets back in bed and looks at his wife and says" can you please pass the pussy"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.

'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HELEN KELLER JOKES

Q. Why does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?

A. She sings with the other.

Q. Did you hear about Helen Keller's speech impediment?

A. Calluses.

Q. How come Helen Keller can't have kids??

A. Because she's DEAD!

Q. Did you hear about Helen Keller's new book?

A. "Around the block in 80 days"

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?

A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?

A: Corduroy.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?

A: She answer the iron.

Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?

A: They called back.

Q. How can you tell if Helen Keller has brushed her teeth?

A. By the gleam in her eye.

Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg wet?

A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. How can you play a dirty joke on Helen Keller?

A. Move the furniture or put doorknobs on the wall.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A. She needs the other to moan with.

Q. How did she burn her fingers?

A. Reading the waffle iron.

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?

A. Screamed her fingers off.

Q. How come she didn't scream when she fell off the cliff?

A. She was wearing mittens.

Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants?

A. So you can read her lips.

Q. What did Helen Keller consider as oral sex?

A. A manicure.

Q. What's this (slowly waving fingers)?

A. Helen Keller moaning.

Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?

A. You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?

A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

1. Re arrange furniture

2. Left the plunger in the toilet bowl

3. They put saran-wrap over the toilet.

4. Put her in a round room and told her there's a penny in the corner

5. Washed her hands with soap

6. Gave her bird-seed to read.

7. They stomped on all her Braille books with golf shoes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~