Criminal Lawyer Is A Redundancy.

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What has two thumbs and likes blowjobs? (Pointing at yourself say) ME!!

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The Fireman
To his Wife he said, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "We're going to run this house the same way. When
I say:
Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.
Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
Bell 3, we're going to screw"
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled,
"Bell 1!," and his wife took off her clothes.
"Bell 2!," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3!," and they began to screw.
After two minutes his wife yelled,
"Bell 4!"
"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose!" she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

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A polar bear arrives home from school one day, and sitting down to dinner he asks his Parents "Are you sure I'm A Polar bear?." His parents, although perplexed by this question answer "Yes!. son Were sure you are a polar bear!. The little polar bear satisfied with their answer says "Well Ok..."

The Next day comes the little polar bear arrives home from school and again asks his Parents "Are you absolutely positive that I'm a polar bear??.. Once again his parents answer "yes", And by this time are wondering why their son is keeps asking this question.

So they ask the little polar bear "Why, son do you ask?.. The little polar bear replies "Cause I'm fucking cold!.."

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Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to him, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.

So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.

That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.

A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.

That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.

You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team for 100 Bill- bills.

You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.

Yet More:

Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill could buy every single major league team in Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty left over to buy a European sport.

Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the USA as he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on the planet.

Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to TV guide. He's also fascinated by how much all this money would be if put into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8 million miles -- to the moon and back over 8 times. They could paper over all of Manhattan 7 times, or be stacked 2,690 miles high -- watch out for satellites. They would weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of one of those 747s he bought above.

But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%. It's nice to put things in perspective.

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The ABC's Of Ex-Girlfriends..

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die!

C is for call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

D is for dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I'm not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything.) So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors.

J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for kill.

L is for love. Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M is for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top.. she has another O word.

P is for pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for stab. Stabbing would be fun.

S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.

T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs.

U is for understatement. Saying you hate that fucking bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.

Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you?

Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep...

. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

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The World's 25 SHORTEST Books
25. "Things I wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
24. Human Rights Advances in China
23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
22. "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton
21. "To all the Men I've Loved Before" Ellen DeGeneres
20. "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
19. "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"
18. Al Gore: The Wild Years
17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
16. America's Most Popular Lawyers
15. Career Opportunities for History Majors
14. Detroit: A Travel Guide
13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
11. East UNIX /* GCFL: come on! it's not that difficult!:-)*/
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everthing Men Know About Women
8. Everything Women Know About Men
7. French Hospitality to non-Francophones
6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
5. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book
and the Number One World's Shortest Book
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." .

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right!" the woman said, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your monkey."

==========================

Here's to the hole
That doesn't heal
The more ya rub it
The better it will feel
And all the soap
In heaven and hell
Won't get rid
Of that awful smell....

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A master calls his/her pet. A dog looks at its master, runs to the master, wags his tail, jumps up and down in excitement, wiggles his entire body, hangs out his tongue, while saying, "Yes, yes, yes!! What can I do for you? What can I do for you? What can I do for YOU?"

A cat looks at it's master and says, "So?!?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Top Dog And Cat Characteristics"
11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

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Let's face it -- English is a crazy language!

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There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

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English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

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We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

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And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

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Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

=====================================================

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

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I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

=====================================================

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

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How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

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Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

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You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your>house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

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English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

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That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!

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Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

A: They're married.

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Money is the root of all wealth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

American Politics: It all really just boils down to this................

The Issues

Criminals:

Democrats: Give them a second chance.

Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

The poor:

Democrats: Give them some food.

Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

Endangered species:

Democrats: Give them protection.

Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

Dictators:

Democrats: Give them a way out.

Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

The uninsured:

Democrats: Give them health care.

Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

The cost of the programs:

Democrats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000

Republicans: $29.95 (cost of one sword)

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****** Sports Bloopers ******

Quotes from the "salary is inversely proportional to IQ" crowd:

"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."

Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ

"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say."

Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."

Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."

Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

"He fakes a bluff."

Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer

"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."

Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch

"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."

Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer

"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."

Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres."

Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team

"His reputation preceded him before he got here."

Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."

Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager, commenting on a Phillies' ten-game losing streak

"We are experiencing audio technicalities."

Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air."

Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air

"I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate."

Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding boxer Thomas Hearns

"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time." Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"

Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator

"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4."

Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer, going through the scoreboard on air.

"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy birthday!"

Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets

"All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion."

Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press reports quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading top players

"They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe."

Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

The following quote was made a few years ago by a Montreal Expos ball player, who was not named by the reporter (the player might have been Larry Walker):

In reference to another player's mental faculties, the player replied, "He ain't no rocket surgeon."

'Whispering' Ted Lowe once said, "And for those of you watching on black-and-white, the pink ball is the one behind the blue."

"Formation drowning."

Alan Parry referring to synchronized swimming

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

Yogi Berra

"I'm wearing these gloves for my hands."

Yogi Berra, when asked why he was wearing gloves

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I'd return it."

Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel's question "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"

"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."

Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size

"The similarities between me and my father are different."

Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son

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A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The skirt was still too tight.

She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!"

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arnold has a big one;
Madonna doesn't have one;
the Pope doesn't use his.
Answer: Their last names!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What comes after 69??

A. Mouthwash.

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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

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It's a statistical fact that most women outlive their husbands. I finally figured out why.

They don't have wives.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

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The doorbell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain, but well-dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent."

Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say "Thank You."

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: --------------------------------------- | Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 | | Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 | | Hand Job: $10.00 | --------------------------------------- Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

===========================

EMPLOYER SPEAK "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making minimum wage. "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year. "PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. "IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control. "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work. "CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired. APPLICANT SPEAK "I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. "I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office. "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies. "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes. "I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. "I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Franklin Planner. "MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced. "I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot. "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there. "I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away! "I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two gays were sitting at the table having breakfast and reading magazines. Suddenly one jumps up, runs out of the room and returns with a jar of Vaseline. He takes off his shirt and starts rubbing the Vaseline all over his chest. Other gay asks: "Whatcha doing?" He answers: "Well, it says in this mag that rubbing Vaseline on the chest makes lots of hair grow. You'd like me to have lots of hair wouldn't you?" Other one says: "You'd fall for anything wouldn't you. That won't work you idiot!" "How do you know?" "Well, if it worked you'd have a ponytail growing out of your ass by now!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well just put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch the guy goes out to chop some more wood and comes back saying, "Man, my hands are really freezing!" She says again "Well just put them here between my thighs again and that will warm them up." He does and again it warms his hands up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood up to get them through the night. When he returns, he says once more "Honey, my hands are really really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 60 Actual Newspaper Headlines, Collected by Journalists 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis 60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him. Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract. Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If these jokes are being forwarded to you, why don't you get your own free copy everyday? It's easy. Just go to:

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and subscribe yourself. That way your e-mail box will be filled with the best humor found on the net each day and you won't ever miss a single joke. Tell your friends too! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John: Dave, you hear about my wife? Dave: No, what? John: She ran off with my best friend. Dave: Sorry to hear ... hey, wait, I thought I was your best friend. John: Not anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! that's good!" Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" Then she reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of Irish whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had real fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This Polish guy gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know what to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up and says, "Al, you big dummy! You're supposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!" So he got his bowling bowl and put it in the sink.

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A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called ... Fairwell Honeychild. (By P. C. Swanson) It was announced that Wurlitzer is merging with Xerox. They are going to market ... reproductive organs. (By Brian Near) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Top ten things you'll never hear one STRAIGHT guy say to another guy: #10. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing. #9. I'm deeply offended by young women who go braless. #8. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commericals. #7. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them! #6. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably. #5. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous. #4. Yours is bigger than mine. #3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth! #2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis? #1. Does my butt look fat in this? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 E West Street. By mistake, he went to 365 W East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, " I was expecting to see a foot". "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What is weightless, can be seen by the naked eye, and if you put it in a barrel it will make the barrel lighter? A: - A hole ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's(amnesia). In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mom and Dad tried to console their young son. "You know, Jeffrey, it's not your fault the dog died". Little Jeffrey would have none of it. Dad said, "He's probably up in Heaven right now with God." Jeffrey asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words: "Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about." The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift." "She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast you didn't like in the refrigerator. She d only some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had discarded simply because they were out of style." "She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. He slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now." The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered... "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple...see, as she was about to leave the house she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore??" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: Cosa Nostra In spite of the booming times in the US, I hear business is off for the Mob. Last month in New York, they had to lay off three City Councilmen. - - - - - Crime is everywhere these days, and they're all organizing too. Even in Baltimore, they started their own branch of the Jewish Mafia -- the Kosher Nostra. - - - - - And think what an example these gangsters are setting for our youth. Just imagine how many boys want to follow in their Father's fingerprints. - - - - - All in all, I guess most of the Mafia members have good manners. I mean they must. They're always talking about getting time off for good behavior. - - - - - Did ya ever notice how most real Mafia members have no necks. That comes from testifying in court, shrugging and saying, "I don't know anything about that." - - - - - Giving instructions to a group of his soldiers, a Mafia Boss said, "I want the guy shot; then put him in a barrel and fill it with cement; then toss him in the East River. And, oh yeah, make it look like an accident." - - - - - A Don found a young man he thought might have a future in show business. One of the advisors cautioned him that the guy would need elocution lessons, singing lessons, a wardrobe, publicity, and expensive musical arrangements. The Don mulled it over, then said, "Yeah. You're right. I think I'll just make him Mayor instead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gay, straight...they all want blow jobs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If these jokes are being forwarded to you, why don't you get your own free copy everyday? It's easy. Just go to:

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and subscribe yourself. That way your e-mail box will be filled with the best humor found on the net each day and you won't ever miss a single joke. Tell your friends too! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chemistry Humor 1. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes," the first says, "I'm positive." 2. A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink. When it's served, he asks how much it will be. "For you," the bartender answers, "no charge." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill Clinton was at home, sitting down flicking the channels over when he sees the Miss Universe contest on and starts to watch it. Then the phone rings suddenly. "Hello" Bill says. A husky female voice breathes into the receiver. "I've always wanted to listen to your voice while masturbating, Mr. President" The voice purrs down the phone. Bill looks shocked and says, "That's amazing, how did you know I was masturbating!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tombstone of an insomniac.: I'm cured. Tombstone of a hypochondriac: I told you I was sick. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a man was born in Greece, raised in the US and died in China, what is he? -Dead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everybody likes sex, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Difference between sex and school.. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He, of course, tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"...."Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What kind of bees give milk? Boobees

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A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito? A: When you slap the mosquito, it stops sucking. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers." Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a fiver to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm sure you can imagine As plain as you can be The place is Picadilly The player He and She She whispered "Will it hurt me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me." She said "I'm frightened, I've not had this before. My friend has had it five times. And said it can be sore." Then finally contented Laid back and relaxed a bit Quickly and readily he bent over her And then he started it It was growing rather painful Tears formed in her eyes It was hurting quite a bit now It must have been quite a size "Calm yourself," he whispered His face was filled with a grin "Try and open a bit wider So I can get it in". "It's coming now, "he whispered. "I know. "she cried in a bliss Feeling it deep within her now She said "I am glad I am having this.." And with final effort She gave a frightened shout. He gripped it in anguish And quickly pulled it out. She lay back quite contented Sighed and gave a smile She said," I am glad I came now You made it worth my while." Now if you read this carefully The dentist you will find... Is not what you imagined It's just your dirty mind!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? A. Marriage. Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? A. Her navel. Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex? A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Q. Why did God create lesbians? A. So feminists couldn't breed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room. "Notice anything?" she asked slyly. "Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply. "How could you tell?" she cooed. "Because the poop stains are in the front," he said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judi the blonde runs crying into the office. "Whatever is wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend Paul the PORSCHE DRIVER" gushes Judi. "He was working on the back engine in the boot of his 911 when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god" shrieks Carol. "It didn't amputate his WHOLE finger!" "No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "If my wife really loved me, she would have married someone else." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO !!!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the defendant in a murder case, who killed his wife? His lawyer when pleading for mercy at the sentencing said, "Have a heart, Judge, my client's a widower" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This guy was sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy. His friend arrives and sits down beside him. "Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend. "Oh its my wifie, she beats me at everything we compete at. Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards.....everything." The friend orders a beer and pauses to think. "I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest." "A pissing contest!" he exclaims. "Surely you can out distance her on that....do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference." "Ok, I'll do it." So home he goes and says to the wife, "I challenge you to a distance pissing contest. We'll meet on the front lawn after dark". So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower. Next hubby steps up, drops his drawers, grabs his meat when the wife says, "Wait a minute dear, No Hands!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't have assholes till they grow up and get married. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick. "If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area." So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey He said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"