"Get me in." said the old Jew. The next weekend they went to visit. The old man was smiling and happier than they'd seen him in years. "I love it here" he said. "They're always laughing and joking, everybody's happy, and everybody's got a nickname."
"A nickname?" the astonished son asked. "Yeah, see that bald guy over there? Hasn't got a hair on his head and they call him Curly. And that guy there... must weigh 350 pounds and they call him Tiny. And me... who hasn't had sex in thirty years... they call me the fuckin' Jew!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it.
"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."
The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four young women met in heaven and were discussing how they died.
The first one said she was killed in a car wreck and the screeching of tires and the crunching of metal and flying glass was a terrible sound.
The second one said she died in an plain crash and the plunging toward earth was a horrible feeling that seemed to last forever.
The third one said she died in a fire and the leaping flames and the searing of her flesh was a very painful death.
They looked at the fourth girl who had been silent and asked her how she had died. She replied, " I died from the clap."
They replied that there was a cure for the clap and she should not have died from it. She replied, "You die if you give it to Leroy.
====================================
/ ****** You're No Longer "Cool" When... ******
1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5. You actually ASK for your father's advice.
6. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
7. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
8. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
9. You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the next day.
10. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your kid's new running shoes.
11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.
12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
13. All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vegetarians eat vegetables - Beware of humanitarians!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penises come in five sizes:
Small
Medium
Large
"Oh my GOD!"
"Hmmm, does that come in white?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two travelling salesmen got trapped in a rainstorm one night and sought refuge at a nearby farm. The farmer was more than willing to oblige but told the men that they would have to sleep in the loft of his barn. The salesman readily agreed and climbed the dder to the loft where they settled for the night. The storm grew worse and the barn door started fluttering open and shut in the gales of wind. The ladder leading up to the loft was swept away and the men were stranded. The men were so grateful that the of of the barn held up and kept them dry. The storm eventually passed and in the morning the men were stymied on how to get back down now that their ladder was no more.
"I'll tell you what," said the first salesman. "I'll jump down and we'll see what happens. If I jump in that pile of shit over there, it may cushion may landing." The other salesman agreed and the first salesman jumped from the loft.
"Well," said the second salesman. "Are you OK"
"Yep," said the first salesman. "The shit broke my fall and it's all the way up to my ankles." So the second salesman jumped. When he landed in the pile o fshit he fell deeper and deeper into it until he had sank all the way in. As he struggled to get to the top of the pile of shit, he screamed, "I thought you saidit was only up to your ankles!"
"It was," replied the first salesman. "I jumped headfirst."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. what do you call an Iraqi leading a camel and a goat
A. bisexual
Q. what's the difference between catfish and Iraqi women?
A. both have whiskers; both smell; but you can eat the catfish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're getting older when... you look in the mirror, see your father and you think "You know, the old man didn't look so bad!"
You know you're getting older when... you're listening to country music and relating to it.
You know you're getting older when... you're having sex with someone half your age and it's legal.
You know you're getting older when... you're having long and serious discussions about fiber and the word regular takes on a whole new meaning.
You know you're getting older when... you realize the term joint custody is not about who's holding the drugs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
Politicians:
George Herbert Walker Bush == Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush == He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan == A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo warlord)
Ronald Reagan == A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich == Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher == That great charmer
The Conservative Party == Teacher in vast poverty
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man who has three girlfriends does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each $5000 and see how each one spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a sexy new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a wide screen television, and a stereo and gives it all to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the original $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of them spent the money, then decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three sons of a Yiddish Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes and that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas.
DAVID, the chicken was delicious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents room, so he decided to investigate. As he entered the parents bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. "Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?"
"It's okay," replied his father. "You're mother want's a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother sucking furiously on his fathers prick. "Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change in plans," his dad replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's dick and told him that nothing could be done for him.
"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glas bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imgaine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something.....! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea", he said, " I wonder if you would tell me about this", (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes", she replied, " Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter"!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot in a pet store. The parrot squawked at her, "Hey lady, you are REALLY ugly!"
As you can well imagine, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her job.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and he boomed, "Hey lady, you are REALLY ugly!"
Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same thing, "Hey lady, you are REALLY ugly!"
She became so incensed that she barreled into the store and screamed that she would sue the store and single-handedly kill the bird.
The store manager tried to placate her and promised that the parrot would never say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot looked at her, blinked and said, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know!"
=========================
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.
'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.
The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow. The horse fell into a mud hole and was sinking. He called to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out.
The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer couldn't be found. So the chicken drove the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and tied some rope around the bumper. He threw the other end of the rope to the horse and drove the car forward and saved the horse from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down. "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems." "What problems doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless." "Well, yes, but your child has no legs." "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it." "And it hasn't got any arms either." "What?" "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear." "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it." "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf....."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top ten things """you'll never""" hear one woman say to another woman:
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Queen and Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. "Give us the money", they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."
"Oh, shit", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di. "Give us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."
The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car. We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drove off.
As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen. "What did you do to all the cash you had? You're always loaded."
"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have." Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelry, my dear." The Queen says to Di.
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Di... "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, the drunk says, "Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douchebag at the end of the bar a drink ."
The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. "Give that douchebag at a drink, dammit!" he shouts.
The bartender is angry. "Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call a lady names."
The drunk persists. "For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douchebag down there a drink, too!"
Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. "The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, ma'am. What's your pleasure?"
The woman replies, "I'll have a vinegar and water!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Dr. Seuss Purity Test
Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed? Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass? Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car? Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach? Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back? Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box? Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree? Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain? Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits? Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber? Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch? Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin? Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains? Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage? Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends? Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog? Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps? Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style? Have you done it up a mile?
Have you done it for all to see? Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch? Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape? Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV? Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym? Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare? Do you really think we care?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Just look at this report card!" Stormed the angry father! "Your friend Robert doesn't come home with C's and D's on his report cards!" "No, but he's different. He's got smart parents!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" Shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Signor Diretorre,
Now I am tella you the story how i was treated at your hotella. I am comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as a younga man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see is no shit in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed?! I call down the recepcione and tella: "I wanna shit". They tell me "Go the toillett". I say "No, no I wanna shit in my bed". They say "you betta not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch". What is a sonnawabitch?!
I go down for ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs and two pisses of toast. I get only one pisse of toast. I tella waitress and pointa of toast - "I wanna piss". She tella me "Go to the toillet". I say "No , no I wanna piss on my plate". She then say to me "you bloody fella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". Second person who do not even know me and calle me sonnawabitch!! What is a sonnawabitch!??
Later I go dinner into ristorante. spoon and knifeis laid out but no fock. I tella waitress "I wanna fock" and she tella me " Sure everybody wanna fock". I tella her " No, no you dont understand me " I wanna fock on the table". She then tella me " So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? Get your ass out of here".
So I go to the recepcione and ask for the billa. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When i have pay the billa, the porter say to me "Thank you, and peace on you". I say " Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch". I go back to Italy! I never more comma stay in your hotella, you sonnawabitch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend announced that society was on a steady down-hill road. "Everyone today," she said, "Is messed up in the mind, a druggie, or a nymphomaniac."
My other friend laughed and nodded. Never having heard the word before, I puzzled over what 'nymphomaniac' could mean. Trying not to sound stupid, I swallowed my pride and asked, "What's that?"
"A girl who's obsessed with sex," explained my second friend.
I paused for a moment, thinking. "Then what," I asked, "Is a guy obsessed with sex?"
My first friend had an answer immediately: "Normal!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Today," said the professor , "I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen." Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, "Damn, it there's one thing I can't stand it's an organ recital!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold............... "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Money: The stuff you use when all your credit cards are maxed-out.
* They say that money isn't everything, and that's true. Problem is -- look how many things it is though.
* They say money can't buy friends. It can, however, rent a few now and then.
* They also say that money can't buy you true love either. It does however put ya in a good bargaining position.
* As for money buying happiness, do you really think the guy with 250 million is any happier than a guy with only 200 million?
* When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses.
* We were so poor, ("How poor *were* you?!?" (Thank you.)) We were sooooooooo poor, we had to take turns eating!
* I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life. Well... unless I want to buy something.
* Double your money! Fold over once and put it in your pocket.
* A Penny Saved Is... "Not Much" - A child's response
* They say that money talks. Mine always says "Good bye!"
· Money is the root of all money!
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Redundancies
added bonus
exactly right
money-back refund
true fact
safe haven
prior history
sum total
end result
temper tantrum
free gift
combined total
unique individual
joint cooperation
total abstinence
honest truth
join together
general public
new initiative
advance warning
execution-style killing
gather together
lag behind
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you know that England doesn't have any blood banks? But it does have a Liverpool.
************************
An unfortunate fellow with only one leg, no arms and three eyes was hitchhiking in London. A driver pulled his car over, rolled the window down and shouted: "Aye, aye, aye! You look 'armless -- hop in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man visits his doctor to learn the results of a battery of tests he recently took. Well, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: Did you see my new receptionist?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: The redhead with the big tits?
Patient: Yes, but what could possibly be good news about her?
Doctor: I'm fucking her!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A: It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
===========================
I gave up bowling for sex, the balls are smaller and you don't have to change shoes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go.
"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good beef stew today."
"Sounds good," says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. The customer is getting angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.
"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter.
"Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.
"Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"
"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place."
"Why don't you take that thumb and just stick it up your ass?"
"Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds!!
Q: What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 45 minutes !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single."
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy wakes up one morning with a terrible hangover and no idea what he did the night before. As he is taking a pee he notices a red ring and a green ring on his dick. Naturally, he rushes to the doctor. "Doctor," he says, "What's wrong with my dick?" "Let me do some tests and I'll get back to you," answers the doctor. A few minutes later the doctor walks back in and says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the red ring is just lipstick. The bad news is the green ring is Skoal!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy: I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy: Because bank directors are always highly paid.
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
Wife : You tell a man something: It goes in one ear and
comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: it goes in both ears
and comes out of the mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bad Grammar
Avoid commas, that aren't necessary.
Proofread you writing.
Between you and I, case is important.
Verbs has to agree with their antecedents.
When dangling, watch your participles.
Try to never split infinitives.
A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with.
Don't never use no double negatives.
1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.
3. When dangling, watch your participles.
4. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
5. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
6. About those sentence fragments.
7. Try to not ever split infinitives.
8. Its important to use apostrophe's correctly.
9. Always read what you have written to see if you've any words out.
10. Correct spelling is essential.
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News just in....
OJ's getting married again.
He wants to have another stab at it..
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A guy gets on a plane and reaches his seat to find he's next to an attractive woman wearing a very short skirt which is riding way up on her thighs. About a half-hour into the flight he leans over and asks, "Excuse me Miss, but can I smell your pussy?"
"Certainly not!" she replies indignantly.
"Hmmm," he says, "must be my feet."
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If was his wedding night and the minister finished undressing in the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. He was surprised to see that his bride had already slipped between the bed sheets. "My dear," he said, "I thought I would find you on your knees." She said, "Well, honey, I can do it that way too, but it gives me the hiccups."
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A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. "I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place." "You don't want to go there", he replies. " The rape and sodomize you down there" "I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."
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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can just use your other hand to write."
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A woman says, "Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual."
The doctor says, "Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined." The doctor shouts "What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!"
The woman becomes extremely furious and scolds "You didn't have to say it twice, you know?!?" The Doctor says, "I didn't! I didn't!"
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Q. Why did the homosexual leave home?
A. He didn't like the way he was being reared.
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Q. What's the difference between Jerry Spring and Kenneth Starr?
A. One's a guy who gets his jollies exposing the sexual transgressions of hillbillies, and the other one is a talk show host.
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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
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Miss Parsons, the town spinster, called the sheriff at 2 a.m. to complain about two dogs were copulating on her front lawn. The sheriff suggested she throw cold water on them.
Ten minutes later, she called again to tell him that the water did not work and that the dogs were still copulating. He told her to bang trash can lids together near them.
Fifteen minutes later, she called yet again to complain that the noise failed to work and that the dogs were copulating more vigorously than before.
" Miss Parsons," the sheriff said slowly and deliberately, "why don't you tell the dogs that they're wanted on the phone?"
" Will that stop them from copulating?" she asked.
" Well," he said, " it sure stopped me."
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Priests should really be allowed to marry...Until then, they'll never know what hell is really like.
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They should call the Clinton White House the "New Left.". I mean, they're so far from being right about anything.
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A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, la ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
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Q. What is the definition of wicker box?
A. It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
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President Bush and Clinton have both had near-death experiences. Bush was shot down in World War II. And Hillary came home early one afternoon.
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A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say "Hi there little boy!!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: "well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE LADIES!
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At a news conference, a journalist said to the President, "Paula Jones said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?
"The truth is, said Clinton, that she has a big mouth."
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Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex. Al asked Bill, "I never slept with my wife before we were married, did you?"
Bill replied, "I'm not sure, what was Tipper's maiden name?"
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The Ten Commandments (In Ebonics)
1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.
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In a Madrid restaurant, the American tourist asked the waiter to bring him the same dinner being enjoyed by a man at the next table - A large helping of rice smothered in gravy, topped with two hefty meatballs. The waiter explained that this delicacy was served only between five and six o'clock, immediately after the daily bullfights. The tourist, eager to taste the house special, agreed to return at the appropriate hour.
Arriving at five the next day, he was quickly seated and served; but to his disappointment, his rice was topped with two tiny meatballs. Calling the waiter over, the American complained, "The meatballs you served yesterday were much bigger."
"Si, senior," the waiter said, "But El Toro, he does not always lose."
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Seinfeld Comedy Routines..
Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh no, another head case."
Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How are we doing on time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."
The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old, she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along. Routine pal check."
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend; you want to relax. "Oh, by the way, here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can they tell you everything they know every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?
Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?
Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you're in "Lord of the Flies" for forty minutes. You're hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History, Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.
My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone, you go, "So what? Neither do I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's the way they should punish the kids after they've seen Amish country. "All right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish! And don't come down till you've made some noodles and raised a barn."
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
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What do you call a drunk who works in an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
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Why do Italians wear gold chains? To remind them where to stop shaving.
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This city boy moves out to the Midwest after his father dies and leaves him the farm. About a month after he arrives he notices that there are no women around. He goes to his closest neighbor (who is three miles away) and asks, "Where are the women?" The other farmer replies, "There aren't any." "What the hell do you do when you get horny then?" "That's what cows are for boy." The city boy walks away in and promises never to bang a cow. A couple of months pass and the boy finally gives in. He goes back to his neighbor and asks how it's done. "You go out to the stables and pick a cow." The city boy still is confused. So the farmers takes him out to the barn and demonstrates. The city boy then decides to give it a try. Half way through a couple of other farmers walk in. Seeing the boy they start laughing at him. The city boy quickly pulls up his pants and walks away. Before he can leave one of the other farmers asks him why he didn't finish. He responds "I was embarrassed and thought you were laughing at me because I was having sex with a cow." "We weren't laughing at that... we were laughing because you picked Rosa. She's the ugliest one."
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There is this stoner who is hitchhiking one day. He finally gets picked up by this truck driver, and while he's climbing into the front seat he notices a monkey on the dashboard. The stoner thinks this to be a bit strange but doesn't comment.
While they are driving along, suddenly the truck driver SLAPS the monkey and it goes flying off the dashboard, off the windshield and onto the floor. The monkey gets up, shakes itself off, goes over and gives the truck driver head and then returns to its post on the dashboard. The stoner thinks this to be a BIT strange but doesn't comment.
So they are still driving along and out of the blue BAAAAMM! The truck driver SLAPS the monkey and it goes flying off the dashboard, off the windshield and onto the floor. The monkey gets up, shakes itself off, goes over and gives the truck driver head and then returns to its post on the dashboard.
The truck driver then turns to the stoner and says, "Hey man, wanna try?" The stoner replies, "Okay, but don't slap me as hard as the monkey!!!"
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Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"
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A guy came home early one day and found his wife in bed with
another man.
"Who the hell is this?" asked the husband furiously.
"Good question," answered the wife.
"Say, fella, what's your name?"
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Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
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Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's
motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
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How do you stop a run-away horse?
A: Bet on it!
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A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, quarters come out!! What's wrong with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, half-dollars come out! What the heck is wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, ... you're just going through your change!"
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The Federal Bureau of Investigation today released it long-awaited report on the late New York Yankee superstar, Mickey Mantle. The sordid report detailed Mantle's drinking problems, liaisons with married women, and reported blackmail by gamblers. Buried in the report was the Bureau's reasons for initiating the investigations. It was reported that J. Edgar Hoover was interested in meeting the home run hitter personally when it was reported to him that ... Mickey Mantle was a switch-hitter.
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10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as? Speed bumps
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