The warden took a second duck, stuck his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, nonetheless produced an Idaho license.

The warden took the third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon duck. Do you have an Oregon hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses. Just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart ... you tell me!"

==========================

The Wrong Side of The Bed
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on.

He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"

=======================

Top Ten ways to Get Thrown Out of Chemistry Lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK".

7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again....not again....not again."

6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about the pour the sulfuric acid.

1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

==========================

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill-just grab one at random and hand it over.

It will always be the exact fare.

The Chief of Police is always black.

Kitchens don't have light switches.

When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

==========================

Rules For Wives in the 1950's
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

============================

Rules For Wives in the 1990's
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.

=========================

Deductions on Bill Clinton's Tax Return
14) Expenses incurred during "Diplomatic Missions" to Nevada's "Mustang Ranch."

13) 365 "Value Meal" business lunches.

12) Capital gain: Jennifer Flowers; Capital loss: Paula Jones

11) Colombian "catnip" as prescribed by the First Cat's veterinarian.

10) Duct tape, rope and locks for Roger's room.

9)Lincoln's Bedroom listed as Bed and Breakfast in Schedule C.

8) McDonald's deep fryer, installed in home gym.

7) Ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt claimed as a dependent.

6) Bar bill from the "Hail to the Chief Room" at Hooters.

5) $21,327 to Ronald McDonald House... No, wait-that's just McDonald's.

4) Hotline to Vatican for emergency confessions.

3) Chrome busty-babe silhouette mudflaps on Air Force One landing gear.

2) $10,000 for "I kicked Dole's ass!" bumper stickers.

1) Three words: Hookers, hookers, hookers!

============================

It's all in the Attitude
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants." "That's right!" said the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family.". The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try them on. "No way. I can't get into your panties." "That's right! And that's the way it will be until you change your attitude."

===========================

I'd Pay To See Your ...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell and the wife answers. "Hi, is Skip home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, do you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Kim, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Kim thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred dollars. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Dick says, "They are so beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could see the both of them together." Kim thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe and gives Dick a nice long look. Dick thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Skip arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Dick came over." Skip thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

==========================

The Yodeling Fuller Brush Men

During the summer tourist season, two young men made their living yodeling and during the winter when there were no tourist they made their living selling fuller brushes. One successful winter they came to a mountain with a village on each side of the it. Because they had only a few brushes left they decided to divide the brushes between them and each would go to each village. They were to meet on the other side of the mountain in three days.

After they had separated it started to snow. One of the men came to a house and he knocked on the door. The man of the house said he didn't need any brushes and slammed the door shut. The young man knocked on the door again and when the man answered, the young man explained that if he couldn't get shelter the blizzard would kill him.

After the young man begged for his life the man of the house said, "OK, but if you diddle my daughter, I will shoot you dead". The young man said, "If you let me stay for the night, I promise I won't diddle your daughter". The old man said, "You can stay but the only place you can sleep is with my daughter. Be sure you don't diddle her". The young man follows the old man's directions and goes up to the bedroom.

When he enters the room there is no-one there. He gets undressed and climbs into bed. A short time later a beautiful young girl comes in and undresses. She has the most fantastic body the young man had ever seen. The young girl gets into bed and moves close to the young man. The young man moves away from her as far as he can because he doesn't want to diddle her and have the old man kill him.

The young girl moves right up to him, presses her body against him and rubs her leg against his. That did it, he diddled her. For the rest of the night the young man worried about what the old man will do to him. He decided that he would sneak out early in the morning. Just before dawn, the young man crept out the house on stocking feet. While outside putting his shoes on, the old man came out of the house and said, "You diddled my daughter and like I told you, I'm going to shoot you dead". The young man pleaded for his life. The old man finally said, OK, I'll give you a chance. See that hill, you can try to run over it. I won't shoot until I have counted up to ten".

The young man figured that any chance is better than no chance, so he says OK and starts running. While running he counted to himself and when he reached nine he was nowhere near the top of the hill, so he stopped, turned around and gave one last yodel. The old man shot him dead. Three days later when he didn't show up his partner started to look for him.

At each house he asked if the people had seen the yodeling fuller brush man. When he finally got to the old man' s house and asked if the old man had seen the yodeling fuller brush man, the old man said, "Yes, I saw him and I shot him". "Why did you shoot him", the young man asked. "Well he diddled my daughter, but it probably wasn't his fault my daughter is pretty over-sexed, but I wanted to scare him so he wouldn't come back.

I told him to run over that hill while I counted to ten, but I wasn't going to shoot. But the son-of-a bitch got half way up the hill, turned and yelled back "I diddled your old lady too", that was too much I shot him.

============================

Table Guests At The World Conference

After the world conference, the guests were chatting on a dinner table. After a while as it usually happens, the discussion turned to the topic of "WOMEN". The American said that in his country women are treated like a cigarette - the man lights up one, enjoys as much as he can, throws it out just to light up another. Everybody laughed with jealousy and wished to come to America.

The Brit said that in his country, the women are treated like clothes - the man wears it till it gets dirty & wrinkled, then he cleans the dirts out by beating with a brush, and finally making it straight again by ironing. People laughed and admired the British lion's courage of beating their women.

The Russian said that in his country, the women are treated like gramophone discs. The man plays the front side first. And once the front is done, he turns it over and plays the back side.

=========================================

Sports Teams
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

===========================

Childrens Proverbs
A first-grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each student in her class the first half of a proverb and had them complete it.

As you shall make your bed, so shall you . . . "mess it up."

Better be safe than . . . "punch a fifth-grader."

Strike while the . . . "bug is close."

It's always darkest before . . . "Daylight Savings Time."

Never underestimate the power of . . . "termites."

You can lead a horse to water but . . . "how?"

Don't bite the hand that . . . "looks dirty."

No news is . . . "impossible."

A miss is as good as a . . . "Mr."

You can't teach an old dog new . . . "math."

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll . . . "stink in the morning."

Love all, trust . . . "me."

The pen is mightier than the . . . "pigs."

An idle mind is . . . "the best way to relax."

Where there's smoke, there's . . . "pollution."

Happy the bride who . . . "gets all the presents."

A penny saved is . . . "not much."

Two's company, three's . . . "the Musketeers."

Don't put off tomorrow what . . . "you put on to go to bed."

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . "you have to blow your nose."

Children should be seen and not . . . "spanked or grounded."

If at first you don't succeed . . . "get new batteries."

You get out of something what you . . . "see pictured on the box."

When the blind leadeth the blind . . . "get out of the way!"

There is no fool like . . . "Aunt Edith."

=========================

Patient Monica
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. And when told she couldn't have any, began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry--only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the check-out stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. Whereupon the mother said, "I'm Monica -- my little girl's name is Tammy."

==========================

Sightings of the Stupid
Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"

Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:
I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?

============================

Little Old Lady bet
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square. "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet? "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

==========================

Alabama vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that THAT was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabama boy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Mississippi to get a second opinion.

The Mississippi physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs to finish counting on his other hand.

========================

How To Screw Up An Interview
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on hr sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

=========================

The Pain of Pregnancy
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth & the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine & asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother & give it to the father to ease the mother's pain. Well, they thought that was a good idea & decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10% to begin with, tellinf the man that even 10% was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced.

But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20% & when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 & finally 100%. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a bit. Both he & his wife felt fine. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

============================

Quotes From 11 Year Olds' Science Exams

"When you breath, you inspire.

When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

=========================

Beans, Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.

Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.

To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

==========================

A Dilapidated Old Fire Truck
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer branch be called. Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.

They rumbled straight towards the fire, and stopped in the middle of the flames! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

=============================

Reading Minds
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach.

He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it.' How to drive MEN crazy!!!

1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house (Hide them well!).

2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.

3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.

4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.

5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.

6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.

7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.

8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.

9. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."

10. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."

11. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.

12. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.

13. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.

14. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.

15. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.

========================

How to drive WOMEN crazy!!!

1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.

3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

9. Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

=========================

Stewardess Biting
On an airplane (probably in the first class) a man says to the stewardess

"I'll give you $5000 if I can bite your breast". The stewardess is scared and goes to the captain and tells him about this. But the captain says "$5000? Why not? Go for it!". So she sits on the man's lap and he starts undressing her, touching her, fondling her, kissing her ... (you name it). After ten minutes (or so) the stewardess becomes impatient and says "Would you please bite my breast now?" But the man says "Oh no, that's too expensive"!

========================

Bubba
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look.

Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice...' Bubba laughed and said, 'Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, 'Bubba, is that you?"

==========================

Church Bulletin Bloopers
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

===========================

Bill and Monica
1) Most people get AIDS from sex but President Clinton gets sex from aides.

2) President Clinton: "I didn't say to lie in the deposition, I said lie in that position!

3) The price of oil has skyrocketed; rumor has it that the President is drilling in the White House again.

4) There's a new game in the White House, it's called "Swallow the Leader"

5) The latest on Zippergate: President Clinton's name has been recently identified with the UNABANGER.

6) Did you hear that they renamed one of the offices in the White House the Oral Office?

============================

Rejected Hallmark Cards
So your daughter's a hooker
And it spoiled your day
Look at the bright side
She's a really good lay.

You totalled your car
And can't remember why
Could it have been
That case of Bud Dry?

Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me.

My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire
I noticed your cat.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

=========================

Near-Death Experience
A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

===========================

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem: ______________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ______________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ______________________________

4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up ___
B. Frozen ___
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __

6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes __
No __

7. Is it turned on?
Yes __
No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes __
No __

9. Have you made it worse?
Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you ?
Yes__
No__

11. Did they make it even worse?
Yes __

12. Have you read the manual?
Yes__
No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Maybe __
No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?
Yes__
No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
______________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?
______________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:
______________________________

19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes__
No__

20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00?
Yes__
What's a VCR__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'?
Yes__
No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
Yes__
No__

23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work?
Yes __
No__

24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on?
Yes__
No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
Yes__
No__

26. Is the machine on fire?
Yes__
Not Yet __

27 Can you do something else instead of bothering me?
Yes__

=============================

Making $400 A Night
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going, too." "Why?" she asked. He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."

==========================

A Seductive Woman
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

===========================

What to wear?
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

===========================

Barney
Everyone knows Barney...that cute purple dinosaur.
But here's something that you may not know:
1. Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2. Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway) CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3. Extract all Roman Numerals: CV V L DI V

4. Convert these into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5. Add these numbers up:
100
5
5
50
500
1
+ 5
----
666

There you have it: Mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!

===========================

A Boy Hears Thumping
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

============================

Triple Shots
A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot 3 times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital and was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, "Oh! You are going to have triplets! They are fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry, though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."

As time goes by the woman has 3 children, 2 girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very wierd thing!" Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears in her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "let me guess. You passes a bullet in the toilet, right?" The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know?" The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?", she asks. "No. I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

===========================

Mother Of Six
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

=========================================

Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.

" The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

============================

Clinton Looks for Advice
Bill Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal is walking through Washington looking for any kind guidance or help in solving his own problems and those of the nation. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were a wise man, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "Abolish the IRS and start over." Amazed that he's talking to the such a great resident, decides he'll try it again.

He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers,"Welfare, it's not working, abolish it, clean it up and start over." After hearing this, Clinton is so excited he plans to go to all the historic sites for guidance.

Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me, and they no longer trust me. What should I do? What can I do to please them?" After a substantial pause Abe responds.... "Take the day off. Go to the theater."

===========================

Bill Clinton sings "My Favorite Things"

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Jennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When the Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

============================

A Quickie for Superman
One fine day Superman was flying around doing a routine patrol when he found himself over Wonder Woman's penthouse. He decided to "look in" on her using his x-ray vision. Much to his surprise, Wonder Woman was lying in bed,stark naked, with her legs apart and pointed straight up. "Boy" said Superman to himself, "What an opportunity this is! Using my super speed, I could swoop in through the open window, in-and-out her a couple of times, and fly out again and she'll never know it happened.

It'll be the fulfillment of a life long dream!" And so Superman did just that. He swooped in, did the mischievous deed, and flew out again. And while Wonder Woman didn't see anything, she did hear the "swoosh" caused by Superman's entry and exit, and she felt the breeze thus created. "What was that?" Wonder Woman asked aloud. "I don't know," replied the Invisible Man, "but all of a sudden my butt sure hurts."

===========================

We Got A Flat Tire
At Duke University, there were two sophomores taking Organic Chemistry who did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there...they had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and the hard partying, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their Professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told their Professor they went to UVA for the weekend and planned to come back in time to study. Unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.

As a result, they were late getting back to campus and didn't have any time to study. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time the Professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?

============================

Three Pints of Guinness
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to sip alternately one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like to have more than one but you don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three pints. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

=============================

Coffee Prayer
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal(tm): for thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez: thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Starbucks forever.

===============================

Golfing With Mother Nature
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!

"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks. "I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer. "Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!"

The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience. "What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him. "I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"

=========================

Hellish Women
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more than you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied "I have no idea, and i'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!

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The Difference Between Men and Women

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG*!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

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Buckwheat and Darla
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell dumb?" Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb" The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence." She says, "Buckwheat is dumb" Now spell " stupid". Darla says, s-t-u-p-i-d, supid.". The teacher syas, " very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says, " Buckwheat is stupid." Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat spell dictate" Buckwheat stands up and says " d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate". The teacher says, "very good,now use it in a sentence." "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my 'DICTATE' good!"

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Rules To Be A Man
1 Don't call, ever.

2 If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3 Lie.

4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"

5 If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go out with me?

7 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

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Tax Season
A man, called to testify before the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," his accountant said. Then the man asked is lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you," his lawyer counseled. "Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to a philosopher, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution for the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," the rabbi replied. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her: 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when the bride-to-be asked her best friend, her friend said: 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.'" The man protested. "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Because, my friend," the rabbi said. "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

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The 3 Wishes
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you, I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-women crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

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Weighing The Baby
At a pharmacy, a woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

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Punished For Something She Didn't Do One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."

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The Sausage Trick
Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"

The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing.

"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!" So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it." "Sausage?" says the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"

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Foolish Criminals
LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.