~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes.
"Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night!!?????"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three male students had just received their grades from their female teacher for a sex education exam. One got a D+, the second got a D- and the third got an F.
"Some day we're gonna get that bitch back," said the first boy.
"Yeah! And then we're gonna strip her," said the second.
"Yeah," said the third boy. "And then we're gonna suck her dick!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Get the thing straight for once and for all. The policeman isn't there to create disorder. The policeman is there to preserve disorder." " Richard Daley, Mayor of Chicago

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was thinking what a wonderful country America is! Only in America can a foreign diplomat claim diplomatic immunity for charges of vehicular manslaughter, but our own President cannot claim executive privilege for a blow job!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ***************************************

100 reasons it's great to be a girl:
***************************************
1. Your phone conversations are better than a soap opera.
2. You are by far the most popular subject of art and sculpture.
3. You know stuff about everyone.
4. You rarely have to carry your own suitcases.
5. Ladies Night.
6. You don't consider using the bathroom wall as an ejaculatory dartboard "having a sex life".
7. Your life expectancy is 20% longer.
8. You won't starve without a can opener.
9. Your friends won't get drunk and hit on your sister.
10. Jeweler's and grocery stores won't rob you blind.
11. You can pick something to watch in less than 5 clicks of the TV remote.
12. Short skirts will always cure Unemployment.
13. Multiple orgasms.
14. Male Pattern Baldness.
15. You're 5 times less likely to kill yourself.
16. "Heavy Lifting" isn't a necessity for employment on your resume.
17. You'll never get a draft card.
18. You can distract an entire roomful of men just by reapplying lipstick.
19. You smell better. No matter what.
20. You'll never have Premature Ejaculation.
21. When you fight, you fight to kill.
22. You can cook your own food.
23. Your garage actually has space for your car.
24. It's easier to get a credit card.
25. You see the humor in war.
26. Nobody secretly wonders how big your "joystick" is.
27. You rule the bathroom.
28. No matter how long it takes to get ready, guys will always wait for you.
29. Sex means never having to finish the job.
30. It's ok for you to marry for money.
31. Long nails make great weapons.
32. Lacy lingerie.
33. Chippendale calendars.
34. Crying gets you anything.
35. No one ever mistakes your chest for a bathmat.
36. You'll never have more hair in your nose than on your head.
37. Divorces are profitable in your favor.
38. You have more hiding places on your body when crossing the border.
39. You don't consider urination a competitive sport.
40. If the police are looking for you, it's easier to disguise yourself.
41. Sex is just another chocolate.
42. You don't need a title to be in charge of everything.
43. You have the inherent ability to ask for driving directions when necessary, and the presence of mind to take them with you when you go.
44. Free flowers.
45. Revenge is your specialty.
46. You'll get asked to have sex for about 90% of your life.
47. You can wear anything to a water park and still get ogled.
48. You don't consider tomato sauce to be a fashion statement.
49. You'll always get served first in a hardware store.
50. You have the unconditional right to call anyone a bastard, anywhere, anytime.
51. Men are optional.
52. The Three Stooges don't live in your universe.
53. Nobody will ever slap you for telling a dirty joke.
54. You can whip men for money.
55. You'll probably never have to change a lightbulb.
56. You never feel compelled to scratch yourself in public.
57. You know that penis size really does matter.
58. You can bend over in prison.
59. You can walk down the street without mentally undressing everyone around you.
60. The world is your nutcracker.
61. PMS means you're right. About anything. Got a fucking problem with that?
62. Suing for sexual harassment.
63. Guys will fight to come near your pubic area.
64. It doesn't matter how it starts, you'll always end up on top. Literally and figuratively.
65. You can admire another woman without your friends accusing you of being gay.
66. You can always find a sucker to pump your gas for you.
67. You know at least 20 ways to get a free dinner.
68. You can wear your sister's clothes without making a major lifestyle adjustment.
69. Alimony.
70. Short girls are "petite". Short guys are "midgets".
71. You'll always be the last one to get dropped while crowdsurfing in a mosh pit.
72. Grooms all look the same. Everyone only wants to see the Bride.
73. Your friends won't call you "pussy whipped" behind your back.
74. With 1 bottle of frozen sperm, we could populate the earth for 400 years with no need for men, "in theory".
75. It's easier to get drunk.
76. You can "fake" anything.
77. You don't need a remote control to turn things on.
78. No matter how ugly you are, you'll always be able to get laid.
79. The catwalk.
80. No matter whose place you stay at, you'll always get the bed.
81. "Stagettes" are our little secret!
82. You can scam maternity leave.
83. Male Impotency Syndrome.
84. Your skin is softer.
85. You don't secretly compare genital size with other people in the bathroom.
86. Someday you'll be a rich widow.
87. You can rationalize all male behavior by "oinking". Or visiting a farm.
88.No matter what you do, you'll always be "daddy's little girl" (this is not sexual, you perverts).
89. The obituaries are mostly men.
90. You don't consider farting to be the epitome of humor.
91. If you miss a sexual opportunity, you only have to wait ten minutes.
92. You secretly admire Loreena Bobbitt.
93. You can flirt your way out of traffic violations. Hell, you can flirt your way out of anything if you really try!
94. The right hints will lead to a foot massage every time.
95. Your idea of a good movie doesn't need "Debbie does . . ." in the title.
96. Valentine's Day was invented just for you.
97. Being bisexual is considered a "bonus".
98. No matter how much time a guy spends on himself, you'll still look better.
99. Brad Pitt. (or insert the name of your favorite stud here: _______________ ).
100. There is always a mall open, somewhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women's Advice to Men
(what men might need to know)
The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.
If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.
Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor. She noticed passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's white & slides down the wall ?
George Michael's latest release

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How does Michael Jackson know when its time to go to bed ??
When the big hand touches the little hand.

=======================

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalogue in the plastic surgeon's office. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your other-in-law's picture on the milk carton. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.
"I don't have one," she said.
"Well then, are you a friend of the groom?"
"I should say not," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Mr. Smith, would you like to participate in group sex?"
"Who's involved?"
"Me, you, and your wife."
"NO!"
"Fine. Then I'll take your name off the list." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do Phil Hartman and CK Jeans have in common?
A: They were both plugged by models. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mary was home alone when Joe, one of her husband's friends, came over. Joe asked if her husband was home.
Mary said , "he's out for the afternoon."
To which Joe replied, "I'll give you $100 if you let me see your tits."
Mary was shocked. "I am happily married and you are one of my husband's best friends," she said.
Joe said, "come on, he'll never know and I only want to take a look."
Mary thought about this for a minute and said, "well, we could use the money and I guess that it is not really cheating just to show you."
Mary lifted her shirt and exposed her breasts.
After she put her shirt back down Joe gave Mary $100 as promised and said, "wow, that was great. I'll give you another $100 if you lift up your shirt and give those things a little shake."
Mary thought for a minute and made Joe promise not to ever mention this to her husband. She then proceeded to lift her shirt and shake her breasts from side to side.
Joe gave Mary another $100. "I'll give you $100 more if you just let me touch one of your tits," he said.
Mary responded immediately. "There is no way I'm letting you touch my breasts. That is crossing the line."
Joe said, "come on, it's easy money. There is no way your husband is going to find out."
Mary told Joe that they could really use the money. She reluctantly let Joe touch one of her breasts.
After Joe was done he gave Mary $100 and went home.
Soon after that Mary's husband returned home. He said, "hey, by any chance did Joe come by and give you the $300 that he owes me?" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do you call an Australian with two sheep under his arms??
A #1: A bigamist.
A #2: A pimp. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The last time I was inside a women was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." - Woody Allen ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ News release: Abortions are becoming so popular in Poland that the waiting time t oget one is lengthening rapidly. Polish experts predict that at this rate there will soon be aone year wait to get an abortion. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He, of course, tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?".... "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Dr. was hurriedly going down the hallway when a nurse came rushing after him explaining that she needed his signature on a patients chart.
He reached into his pocket and was about to sign his name when he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. "Damn!" he says to the nurse, "some asshole has got my favorite pen!"
~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.
So the husband inquires "What's wrong Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast".
So off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook"
Again the husband smiles and says "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks "What the heck are you doing honey?" to which the new bride replies "Warming up your SUPPER!!
~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When things go wrong, as they usually will,
And your daily road seems all uphill,
When funds are low and debts are high,
When you try to smile but can only cry,
When you really feel you'd like to quit,
Don't run to me; I don't give a shit.
~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain didn't go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its your panic button then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, so she should go off in the woods and take care of the situation. No one would even notice he assured her. "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage," he continued. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.
If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't start moving. Yup, you got it! She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to the local hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."
"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police force. The question asked, "If you were driving a police car, alone on a lonely road at night, and was being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" The young man answered without a second's thought: "Seventy!" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994,the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft? ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you get if you let a Mexican marry an Arab?
Oil of Ole'...... ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard
1, 2,3,4,5,6.7.
She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5,3-5,3-5. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'Hell' and you say 'ass.' The 4 year old happily agreed.
As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbered, "but you can bet your sweet ass it's not gonna be any of those fucking Cheerios." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sinatra's last words: Man, that Seinfeld finale sucked! ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * Always remember -- Money isn't everything.
Heck, sometimes, it's not even 97 % - - - - -
* All my life I've considered myself fortunate not to have any money problems. Lack of money problems -- yes, tons of those. - - - - -
* I always try to save my money. Who knows, maybe it'll become valuable again someday. - - - - -
* I'm not saying my neighbor is rich or anything, but I noticed he has a calendar in his kitchen from the World Bank. - - - - -
* Ya know, it's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now. - - - - -
* Bill Gates is what you would call rich by any standard. He has bills so big, we don't even have Presidents for them. - - - - -
* Budgets aren't really that tricky a deal. When ya get right down to it, they're just a systematic way of living beyond your means. - - - - -
* The last time the wolf was at my door, I just showed him the budget Mrs JimJr and I had worked out. He gave me $20 & left. - - - - -
* The US Government sez that the life of a twenty dollar bill is about 6 months. What I'm trying to do is find out where these things go to die and strike it rich. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VIAGRA - Very Important Activity Gets Renewed Attention ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour." Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" harrumphed the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar & she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man who worked for the Fire Department , came home from work one day and told his wife, " We really have a wonderful system at the fire department. `Bell 1' we all put on our coats. `Bell 2' rings and we all slide down the pole. `Bell 3' rings and we are on the truck ready to go. From now on we are going to run this house the same way. When I say `Bell 1' you strip naked. ` Bell 2' you jump into bed. `Bell 3' we are going to make love all night."
The next night when he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1", she took off her clothes. "Bell 2", she jumped into bed. "Bell 3" they began to make love. After two minutes she yelled "BELL 4" . He said, " What the hell is `Bell 4'? "MORE HOSE" she responded,
"YOU AIN"T ANYWHERE NEAR THE FIRE" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So anyway this hillbilly took his girl up to lovers peak. They sat down on a log.
After a bit Judi says to Jon, "Aren't the stars purty tonite?"
Jon says "Sure is Judi".
Judi says "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonite".
Jon says "Sure is Judi".
After a bit Judi says, "Jon, whisper something soft and mushy in my ear".
So Jon leans over and whispers "'Sheeeit'". ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As their illicit lovemaking neared its climax, the sweet young thang strained upwards toward her brother-in-law. "Kiss me Max," she urged hoarsely, "Oh, kiss me."
"Kiss you?" panted Max, "Why I probably shouldn't even be doing this." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a lock of hair that will not lay down, and a puff of air from a vagina?
The hair in called a 'FUSSY PART'. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walks in to a bar and says, "Bartender, Give me 10 Tequilas!" The bartender says, "Whoa, buddy! You have a bad day or something? "I just went home," replies the man "and found out my son is gay.
" That's tough," replied the bartender. "Here's your Tequilas."
The Next Day, same man, same bar.
"Bartender! 20 Tequilas!"
"Jesus, what now?"
"I just went home and found out my brother is gay!"
"That's tough, here's 20 Tequilas, on the house.
The Next Day, same man, same bar.
"Bartender, 30 Tequilas!!!!!!!"
"Dammit, doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?????"
"Well, apparently my wife does!!" replied the man. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From: Jay Leno Ginger Spice says she's left the group due to differences. I think we can rule out creative.
Ginger Spice also announced that after she leaves the group she'll get bigger implants and go by the name 'Spice Rack.'

===========================

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
But he says, "Not big enough!"
So she brings out a bigger one.
"Still not big enough!"
So he brings out a HUGE fig leaf.
"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.
So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I always take life with a grain of salt,
...plus a slice of lemon
...and a shot of tequila. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three race horses stood in their stalls.
One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when thhe horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Know You're Getting Older When...
* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
* The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
* You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
* Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
* You get winded playing chess.
* Your children begin to look middle aged.
* You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
* A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
* You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
* You look forward to a dull evening.
* You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
* Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
* You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
* You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
* Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
* You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
* After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
* Dialing long distance wears you out.
* You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
* You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
* The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
* You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
* Your back goes out more often than you do.
* A fortune teller offers to read your face.
* Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
* The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
* You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
· You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If you in't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
· 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding a pint or two.
1.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
2.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)
9.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
10.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil in that old motor, this one's black." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
A. They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ St Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down.
"Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.
"No, it's alright. Won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on.
St Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again.
The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator ask, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?"
"Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about a wank." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.' "

=========================

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?
"I certainly do," screamed the wife, "the undertaker." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
__________________________________________________
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
__________________________________________________
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
__________________________________________________
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink
__________________________________________________
How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
__________________________________________________
I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."
__________________________________________________
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
________________________________________
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
___________________________________________________
What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
_____________________________________________________
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said,
"Dust!"
________________________________________________________
Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
__________________________________________________________
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!! ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following couple of pages are
Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, bang-bang, clip-clop, clip-clop?
A: An Amish drive by shooting. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere! " ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you call a Greek with a goat under one arm and a sheep under the other? Bisexual. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Overheard at a fatal traffic accident: "Let me through - I'm a necrophiliac." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How many Sicilians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to kill the witnesses. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's redneck foreplay? "Hey, Sis! You awake?" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If two rednecks get divorced, are they still cousins? ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You are a redneck if: You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right' You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Association of Bouncers annual party was a disaster... they wouldn't let anyone in. From: "Louigi Oregano" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a whisky. 'That will be six dollars', says the bemused barman. 'We don't get many kangaroos in here'. The kangaroo replies: 'At six dollars a drink, it's no wonder'. From: "Louigi Oregano" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary..... 11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome. 10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet. 9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price. 8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute! 7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters. 6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole. 5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes! 4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days! 3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes. 2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars. 1. Seventh day: rested. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette,... and I'm the only ashtray." ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!" ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP TEN THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY:

10. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. ...I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

And the number one thing you'll never hear a Dad say...

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that --it's no big deal. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

========================

What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave? A microwave stops when you open the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night."

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."

She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night.

What do you have to say tonight?" Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, " Mission Accomplished."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snowballs.

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard sleeper sleep with?

What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?

Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?

Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?

The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

About three inches.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung.

What is the difference between O.J. and the Lion King?

One is a "lying" African the other is an African lion.

What is the difference between a hormone, and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasorass

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One... Men will screw anything

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

Did you know that in this country alone there are over 1/2 million battered women?

Just think......All this time you've been eating them plain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Nurse was preparing the patient for surgery. "The doctor will be in to see you shortly. Can't you manage a smile for him instead of that frown ?"

The patient replied, "I can't Nurse. I feel terrible and I'm very worried about this operation."

"You're worried???" the Nurse said. "The doctor is scared to death!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's green, has 4 legs and smells like pussy?

The pool table at the White House!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why don't black people like country music?

When they hear the words "hoe-down" they think their sister's been shot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between Jerry Spring and Kenneth Starr? One's a guy who gets his jollies exposing the sexual transgressions of hillbillies, and the other one is a talk show host.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe: I got a problem.
Ed: What's the matter?
Joe: Women. I just don't understand them.
Ed: Do you understand your TV?
Joe: No.
Ed: So what's the problem?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My doctor said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis. The owner agreed and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great and he paid for the service.

That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his new tattoo.

He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?"

She said...

"You tell me how to cook...",
"You tell me how to clean the house...",
"You tell me how to do the laundry..."
"And now you are going to put words in my mouth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A sure sign of growing old
is when your farts are wet
and your dreams are dry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Murphy's Laws for Parents":

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses - will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To all you virgins.... thanks for nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts:

Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to the investor then, is,

"Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts." The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!" The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FART OF THE DAY

THE BUDGIE FART (292A)

The little "pip" in the middle of the night that knocks "Petie" off his perch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TWENTY TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN A MENS ROOM

1. EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss, whether he has to or not.

3. CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guys hung.

4. TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6. CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around usually pisses on floor.

7. WORRIED: Not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

9. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10. CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11. SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

12. PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

13. DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14. TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

15. EFFECIENT: Waits till he has to crap, then does both.

16. FAT. Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

17. LITTLE: Stand on box, falls in, drowns.

18. DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19. DISGRUNTLED: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.

20. CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INSIDER'S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY

"I'm a Romantic."

"I'm poor."

"I want a commitment."

"I'm sick of masturbation."

"I'll give you a call."

"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."

"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."

"So I can tell my friends about it."

"Haven't I seen you before?"

"Nice ass."

"She's kinda cute."

"I want to have sex with her till I am blue."

"I don't know if I like her"

"She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much"

"I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?"

"I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"

"Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"

"I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"

"I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"How much do you love me?"

"I need you to bail me out of jail."

"I have something to tell you."

"Get tested."

"I've been thinking a lot."

"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I've learned a lot from you."

"Next!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mary Poppins has opened a shop in Malibu, California, where she tells fortunes by sniffing the breath of her clients. Her shop's sign reads: "Super California Mystic Expert; Halitosis.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey".

After about a week, I asked her how it was going.

"Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down to about a pack a night now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a ram is a sheep, and an ass is a donkey, why is a ram in the ass a goose?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 beer

25 beer

35 vodka

48 double vodka

66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.

25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.

48 My wife is away for the weekend.

66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex

25 sex

35 sex

48 sex

66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"

25 "breakfast"

35 "She didn't set back my therapy."

48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."

66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third

25 airplane sex

35 menage a trois

48 taking the company public

66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

17 roaches

25 stoned-out college roommate

35 Irish setter

48 children from his first marriage

66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly ladies, each hard of hearing, reminisce about thrills in days gone by. They chat over tea.

"Ah," says one, "remember the times we had in Vienna? Remember the minuet?"

"Men I et? I can't even remember the men I fucked," says the other.

=============================

Advancement opportunity

-Shit job

Entry Level

-Really a shit job
No experience necessary
-The mother of all shit jobs
Administrative assistant
-Shit job with a title
Ground floor opportunity
-Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company
- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Team player
-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personalities
-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential
-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public Relations Receptionist
Professional appearance important
-$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner
-Be the voice of 1-900-suck
Earn up to $300 per hour
-Be 1-900-suck
Salary range $24K to $32K
-The salary is $24K
Jeans job!
-Minimum wage temporary job in concentration camp office
Will train
-Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
BA required, MA preferred
-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
Civil service
-This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women/minorities encouraged
-White males need not waste a stamp
Outstanding benefits package
-Health insurance
Tons of variety
-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job
Top notch communication skills
-Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive locale
-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet
Secretary
-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker
Executive secretary
-The most powerful position in any company
Dedicated
-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement
Salary commensurate
-We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like
Salary negotiable
-We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary
-We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job-period!
Competitive starting salary
-Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere
-A staff of pod people
Professional atmosphere
-Zombie pod people
Fun, creative atmosphere
-Pod people from hell
Dynamic atmosphere
-Zombie pod people from hell
Gal Friday
-Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
Self starter
-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE" MEN....

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks about ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads "WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! The farmer returns in one week to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call the extra bunch of useless flesh at the end of a penis?

A man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed.

The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The FirstMate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on andled the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moe met his friend Sol on the street. He looked at Sol and said, "Sol, I haven't seen you in three years. You look terrible. What has been happening to you?"

Sol answered, "Moe, don't ask. Would you believe I got married three times in the last three years and buried three wives?"

Moe replied, "How tragic, what happened?"

Sol replied, "Well, three years ago I married this wonderful girl and she died a month later after eating poisoned mushrooms. A year later, I met this lovely girl and she died a month after we were married after eating poisoned mushrooms. Then last year I married again and would you believe it or not, after one month she died."

Moe said, "Don't tell me, poisoned mushrooms?" "No, fractured skull. She wouldn't eat mushrooms."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A passenger jet heading cross-country runs into terrible weather. The plane gets pounded with rain, hail, wind, thunder and lightning. Passengers scream, convinced the plane will crash and death impends.

At the height of the storm an extremely attractive young woman leaps to her feet and exclaims, "I can't take anymore of this! NO! I won't just sit here, strapped into a seat and die like an animal. If I'm going to die, let it be feeling like a woman. Who here feels man enough to forget our doom and make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand go up in the rear as a tall, handsome, muscular man rises and starts walking towards her, smiling. As he strides down the aisle he takes off his shirt, and she can see rippling abs, bulging biceps, powerful pecs and impressive muscles she can't even name.

He stands before her, shirt in hand and says, "Here, iron this."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look," he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"

To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her in the front lawn.!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Preparing to return home from an out-of-town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man decided to just hide the pup down the front of his pants and sneak him onboard the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip a flight attendant noticed the man shaking and quivering.

"Are you OK, sir?" asked the attendant.

"Yes, I'm fine." said the man.

Sometime later the attendant noticed the man moaning, and shaking again.

"Are you sure you're all right sir?"

"Yes." said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess, "Isn't he house broken?"

No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

______________________________________________________________

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

______________________________________________________________

Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.

______________________________________________________________

Why do women have smaller feet than men ?

So they can stand closer to the sink

______________________________________________________________

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

______________________________________________________________

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

______________________________________________________________

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:

"I wanna know your name..." ______________________________________________________________

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

______________________________________________________________

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

______________________________________________________________

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?

1.No mind.

2.No business.

________________________________________________________________

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They have Mother's day for Mother's and Father's day for Father's -- so what do they have for Single Men?

Palm Sunday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two cannibals catch a victim, and agree to share.

They start to "chow down" and the first turns to the second.

"Hey, how you doing?"

"Man, I'm having a ball!"

"Slow down! You're eating too fast!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Think About It...

Life is sexually transmitted.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Jury:

Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know.

I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do you give the man who has everything?

A. The latest antibiotic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Half of the country wants to see the President hung.

The other half already has.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man who stuttered walked into a bar. He ask the bartender "cccaaaannnn IIII hhaave aaa scoottch aannd ssooodd" The bartender replies "A scotch and soda, yes sir ," The bartender hands him the drink and goes on with his business.

A few minutes later the customer ask "ccaann III hhhavvee aannnoo" "you want another" the bartender replies. He gets the man another drink.

The bartender says "I used to stutter but I got found a cure. I just went home and made love to my wife for 12 hours straight. Now I don't stutter. You should try it"

The man replies "wweelll ookkkaayy"

The man returns to the bar a few weeks later. The bartender ask "Did it work ?"

The man replies "nnooooo, bbuutt yyoouu sshhuure hhaavve aa bbeeaauutiiffuuul wwiiiifffe"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A gambler finally decides to clean up his act. He decided to start going to church and mend his ways. After his first sermon on Sunday, he's feeling very proud and relieved. On his way out the door the reverend stops him and shakes his hand. The reverend says "I am so proud of you finally trying to reform your ways, However I need one small favor. The word is Hallelujah NOT Hialeah "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Howard had felt just terrible all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about what he had done, he couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing inner voice trying to reassure him: "Howard. Don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last..."

... Invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "But, Howard. You're a veterinarian."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?

A: Hairballs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the guy who had to swerve his car to avoid running over the upholstery tacks falling from the truck in front of him?

Troopers arrested him for tacks evasion!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A black man arrived at the Pearly Gates, only to be stopped by St. Peter. St. Peter was apologetic, but explained, "We're a little crowded right now. We can only take heroes."

The black man said, "I am a hero."

"What did you do that was heroic?"

"I happened to marry a beautiful white girl on the steps of the county building in Manassas, Virginia, at high noon."

"And when did this happened?" the angel asked.

"About forty seconds ago", was the reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

========================

Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body but his own

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Delta Airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

Mom: How?

Daughter: Oh, stuff....

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

Daughter: I don't know.....

Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.

Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really...

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their come out of your hair?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"

Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.

Mother: "Really?"

Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits. "What are they doing, Johnny?" Suzie asked. Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her." Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh."

They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny." Well, Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing,

Lil' Johnny?" she asked. "Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny." So, Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again. After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Lil' Johnny?" she asked again. "Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.

After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny." Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "Boo, damn it, Boo!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy meets this stunning woman at a bar, and, after an evening of drinking, they both go back to her place. Within minutes of arriving, they're on the bed. He removes her blouse and skirt, and then pulls off his pants and shirt.

He gets on top and begins to make love to her.

After awhile he notices that with each stroke he takes her toes curl up! "Wow," he thinks, I AM good!" and intensifies his thrusting.

At this point, she stops him. "What's wrong?" he slurs, "I thought you were enjoying this?"

"I'd enjoy it more," she says, "if you took off my pantyhose."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please." the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located onthe very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily. "No," croaks the feeble old man....

"But it's startin' to twitch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Massaging the bust of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.


There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.


There was a young man from Bellaire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.



A young curate, just new to the cloth,
At sex was surely no sloth.
He preached masturbation
To his whole congregation,
And was washed down the aisle on the froth.


A progressive professor named Tinners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the very debased
Would not be held back by beginners.



There once was a couple named Kelley
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste,
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.


There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It could please either sex,
and it played with itself in between.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the fuckin' ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married, they were honeymooning in Jamaica. The man was in the bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him, "Oh, is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that say 'Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

==========================