I offered to pay my lawyer for what he's worth but he won't work for nothing! ~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer fell overboard from a cruise ship in the Caribbean, he was last seen circling a school of sharks. ~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." ~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer describing an unusual grave marker to another lawyer..."Here lies an honest man, a lawyer" the other lawyer replied "Why do you suppose they'd bury 2 men in the same grave?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? Prostitute stops fucking you when your dead!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their language!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?

A: One is a soulless, bloodsucking monster, and the other can turn into a bat ~~~~~~~~~

Q: How many lawyers does it take to put in a lightbulb?

A: 3 - one to screw in the lightbulb, one to push over the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.

A woman enters the Police station. "I've been raped by a lawyer", she says to the nearest constable. The constable starts taking her statement and asks, "What is his name?" "I don't know", comes the reply. "Where does he normally work?" asks the constable. "I don't know", comes the reply. "Have you ever seen this man before today?", enquires the constable. "No, I have not", comes the reply. "Madam" says the baffled constable, "then how on earth do you know that he is a lawyer?" The woman, who fails to understand the constable's lack of intellectual powers snaps back in a flash, "He drove off in a luxury German sedan with a sunroof, he had a briefcase with him and I had to do 50% of the work!" ~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!" "Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." "But that's not true," says the lawyer . "I only lived to be forty." "That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets." ~~~~~~~~~

A man gets arrested for having sex with a goat. Since his crime is so unusual a friend advises him to hire a particular trial jury lawyer with a reputation for being able to select the best jury in the state. Soon he goes to trial and true to his lawyer's reputation he takes days selecting the right jury. Finally, the trial begins and the prosecutor calls the first witness. "Now Mr. Abernathy just what did you see the defendant do on the night of June 6, 1996?" "Well now-" Mr. Abernathy said, "I saw him having sex with a goat in his backyard." "What else did you see?" he was asked. "Well, when he was finished the goat turned around and licked the man's penis!" Just then juror #3 whispered to juror #4, "yup, a good goat will do that," and juror #4 nodded his head in agreement. ~~~~~~~~~

If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be replaced by one paralegal? Q: How is a lawyer like a pickpocket?
A: Do you really need to ask?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer fell overboard from a cruise ship in the Caribbean, he was last seen circling a school of sharks. ~~~~~~~~~

=========================

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You're in a elevator. There is a lawyer a rapist and a murderer. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Person 1: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Person 2: No. Person 1: GOOD! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Carefully study these two enlarged photos, Mr. Jon," said the attorney for a politician suing the newspaper for libel to his client on the witness stand. "Indicate to the jury which is your ass and which is a hole in the ground." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.

What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Vultures can't take their wing tips off.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead

lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?

Ask him if he's a member of the bar.

Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?

1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;

2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and

3. There are some things a rat just won't do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between chopping up a lawyer and chopping up an onion?

A. You cry when you chop up an onion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way through the towards him through the line of stranded vehicles. "Hey son, what's the hold up?" The guy asked. "It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's dosed himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you donate mister?" "How much have you got so far?" The guy asked. "Oh," said the kid, "about 30 boxes of matchs and 23 lighters."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left...)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.

· Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

· What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.

· What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

· Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

· Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

· What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.

· What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer:

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment, then said, "What's the catch?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend:

"What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bus load of lawyers were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the lawyers.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them lawyers lie."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got first pick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."

"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.

"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"That's Strange!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Advertising slogans for Accountants...

1. No matter how low we sink, we're always a step above lawyers.

2. Let the lawyers do the lying-- leave the manipulating to us.

3. We may be geeky, but at least we're not lawyers.

4. You may not like us, but at least we're not lawyers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence ?"

Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny." - - - - -

* Then there was the nymphomaniac who got herself arrested so she could be tried by the jury. - - - - -

* Speaking of juries (I was) to show ya how far apathy has gone, last month in Howard County Circuit Court a jury of Yuppies and Yuppettes was asked by the Judge if they had reached a verdict. The foreman stood-up and replied, "We, the Jury, find that we don't want to get involved." - - - - -

* If you think about the American System of justice for a moment, you'll never request a trial by jury. I mean, who wants their fate decided by 12 strangers not smart enuff to get out of jury duty. - - - - -

* This is probably the only country in the world anyway where they lock up the jury and send the guilty party home. - - - - -

* During the divorce proceedings the wife said, "And that your Honor is my side of the story... Now let me tell you his." - - - - -

* The Judge called the death row prisoner into his chambers. "I'm afraid that clemency is out of the question in your case. The Governor just got indicted."

===============================

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks defiance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this hovel?" St. Peter says... "well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven. When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.

"Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven."

"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of other people are here?"

"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.

"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.

"Yes, some," said St. Peter.

"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.

"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.

"Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man.

"Just a few," said St. Peter.

"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?

A. Senator. I met a lawyer at a party and asked him about a problem I was having and did I need a lawyer. He said "Yes" and billed me for a hundred bucks the next day. I asked another lawyer friend if he could do that, and this lawyer billed me for two hundred.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy", replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.

The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.

After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.

After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

===================================

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

Never enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

A: Nobody will look for them.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What is the proper weight for an attorney?

A: About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford to be screwed for?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? His lips move.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What are lawyers good for? They make used car and life insurance salesmen look good.

What is a criminal lawyer? Redundant.

How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? Because after they die, they lie still.

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex. She wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Few Thoughts On Lawyers!

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge," said the court officer. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?" The judge replied, "The crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers."

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

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