============================
A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a
while and said, "Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather
small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?" "Done," said
the genie and disappeared.
Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size."
Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it
had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly
returned to where he'd met the genie.
"Problem?" inquired the genie. "Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I
could trouble you for one more wish?" "And what might that be?" asked
the genie.
"Could you make my legs longer?"
=====================
A man, who was an average golfer, was on the 11th tee at Augusta. He promptly shanks a shot into the trees. Upon discovering his ball, he found it to be next to a witch. The witch was stirring a pot of golfer's brew. The gentleman asked the witch what the brew was for. The witch responded that the brew would do two things; first he would become the best golfer in the world and secondly his sex life would go to hell. And like most golfers I know, he choose the brew and better golf.
A year goes by and the man has won every major championship and is world renowned for his golf game. But, upon arriving at the 11th tee at Augusta, he hits a shot in the same woods where he reunits with the witch. The witch remembers him and asks, "How's your golf game?" He responds, "Fantastic!" Then she says, "How's your sex life?" He responds, "Not bad..." The witch says "Not Bad? What do you mean not bad??" The man says "Twice last year." The witch says "Most people think twice in a year is terrible." The man answers "Well it's not bad for a priest in a small parrish."
========================
The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "F***, missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it anymore. "Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you". It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "F***, missed!!". Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign". It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "F***, missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead. A voice was heard in the clouds "F***, missed!!".
============================
A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro. When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands penis. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards. The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?"
===============================
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!" God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
==========================
Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green. The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
==================================
A man is out at the golf course, waiting to tee off. There is a woman ahead of him. She loses the grip on her club as she swings it, and it hits the man. He doubles over in pain, clasping his hands in his crotch. The woman quickly runs over and says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Here's let me help you." The woman opens the man's pants and begins to adjust his parts, fondling and stroking him. A few minutes later, the woman asks, "Is that any better?" The man says, "Oh yeah, that's great, but my thumb still hurts like crazy!"
===========================
Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage. Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed. I've had sex with one other man before I met you." Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?" Sally replies, "The famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus." They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee." Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." "All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I thought I'd dress and get some coffee." Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "Going for a cuppa." Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone. "Who are you calling?" Sally asks. "Jack Nicklaus. I want to find out what par is on this freaking hole!"
===============================
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres...We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
============================
Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off. "Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says. "Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."
=========================
A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute. Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going. Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued. Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.
The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out Kawasaki!" Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
============================
A golfer is ready to tee off, when a golfer in the adjacent fairway hits him square in the face with his golf ball. "Idiot! Your ball hit me in the eye! I'll sue you for five million dollars!" The other golfer replied, "I said 'fore'!" The first golfer then said, "I'll take it!"
==========================
A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time he plays that hole. One round he decides that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good ball. He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his backswing, a mighty voice comes from on high:
"USE THE NEW BALL..."
Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following, he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his backswing, but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky:
"TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.."
The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again:
"USE THE OLD BALL."
===================
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!" The man replies, "I found it."
==============================
Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said. "Hey, guess what?! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The second golfer replies, "Great trade!"
====================
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."
=============================
Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par 3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found its way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, Top-Flite 2, so they couldn't determine which ball was which. They decide to ask the course pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks, "Which one of you is playing the orange ball?"
=========================
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
=============================
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers?
A: In case they get a hole in one
=======================
Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green. He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.
Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.
"No way," he says. "I can't do that."
"Why not?" she asks.
"The last time I did that something terrible happened."
"What?" she asked.
"I got a double bogey."
======================
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
=====================
A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction. "Where was she bit?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." was the reply. He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive."
========================
A golfer walks back into the clubhouse shortly after he had begun playing a round. He had a seven iron wrapped around his neck. "What happened?!" asked the club pro. "I was playing with that threesome of ladies you put me with. One of them sliced a ball into the cow pasture next to the first fairway. She was having trouble locating her ball, so I climbed over the fence to help her find it. Just when we were about to give up, I noticed that a cow had a golf ball stuck under its tail. "So, I lifted the cow's tail and asked her, 'Hey lady, does this look like yours?'"
===========================
Q: Why do they call it "golf"?
A: All the good four-letter words were taken.
==========================
It was a Sunday morning and four good buddies were at the first tee. Number one said, "This golf game is costing me dinner for my wife tonight."
Number two said, "That's nothing, I had to agree to my wife's parents spending the weekend with us."
"Ha!" said number three, "I had to give my old lady the credit card to go shopping."
Number four said "Boy are you guys ever screwed up. I woke up this morning and the wife asked what I was planning. I replied 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Take a sweater' and went back to sleep."
======================
This foursome has teed off every Saturday morning for the past three years. One of the guys was a most remarkable player. He would play left-handed for a couple of weeks, and the next week he would play right-handed with equal skill. His one annoying fault was that every couple of months or so he would be twenty minutes late to tee off. One morning, after this guy had landed his second shot just two feet from the pin, one of the others said. "I can't stand it any longer! Jess, what's with switching sides, right to left? Why do you do that?" "Well, I tell ya. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I turn over and look at my wife in the bed next to me. If she's sleeping on her right side, then I tee off right- handed. If she's on her left side, then I play left-handed." "Aha! But what if she's on her back?" "That's when I'm twenty minutes late!"
==========================
Q: What is the difference between
a lost golf ball and the G-spot?
A: A man will spend 5 minutes looking for the lost golf ball.
===============================
Three guys were getting ready to tee off when the starter stopped them and asked them if they would take a fourth. After seeing who the fourth was a beautiful blonde with long legs, they all agreed to let her join the group. As they approached the first tee, the blonde told the golfers, "I'm not very good at golf. I'd appreciate it if you would be patient with me." "No problem!" said all three golfers.
On the first tee, the blonde hit a nice drive down the center of the fairway. On her second shot, she was on the green. All four golfers approached the green and the blonde said, "I have never gotten a birdie in my life. If one you gentlemen can help me sink this putt, I will perform oral sex on the gentlmen who helps me."
The first guy steps up and said, "The putt will break six inches to the right."
The second guy steps up and said, "No, no four inches to the left."
The third guys said, "Ah, just pick it up, it's a gimme."
==============================
A man decided to shoot a round of golf alone, since all his friends were busy. In the clubhouse, he is put with a threesome, because it was such a busy day. He was grouped with two other men and a beautiful woman. After an excellent day on the course, the two men excused themselves. The lady asked the man to dinner, where the evening progressed better than expected. After dinner, they hit a couple nightclubs and become amorous. She asked him to accompany her to her place. Once at her apartment, she immediately gave him the best BJ he has ever had. After the interlude, she invited him out golfing the next day.
The next day, the same thing happened - a great round of golf, a good dinner at a fine restaurant, an evening on the town followed by the best BJ he had ever had. Again, she invited him to go golfing the next day. This routine is repeated over the course of the next few days, almost like clockwork - golf, dinner, dancing, BJ. Finally, after a week or so, the man decided to change the routine. After the golf, dinner, and dancing, the couple retired back to her place. When he walked in, she was already on her knees ready to complete the evening. The man exclaimed, "Tonight, I want to be different. I want to go all the way." The lady informed him, "I'm not really a women, but I'm really a man in drag." The man became furious and exclaimed, "And all this time you have been hitting from the red tees?"
==============================
The other day I was playing golf and I hit two of my best balls.
I stepped on a rake.
===========================
Two friends were both avid golfers and they frequently argued about whether there was any golf in heaven. Finally, they agreed that the first one that died would find out if they played golf in heaven and then come back and tell the other. Years later, one of the women died, and a week later she came back to visit her friend.
"I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that they have wonderful golf courses in heaven. The bad news is that you are next up at the tee."
============================
Two men were having an very slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them. The ladies managed to get into every sand trap, lake and rough on the course. They also never bothered to wave the men through, which was proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out on the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."
==============================
This hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18 holes of golf for $100 with one catch - the Hacker gets two "Gotcha's". The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever the heck 'Gotcha's' are, I'll still kick your behind all over the course. After the round, the two walked in as a stunned clubhouse watched the club pro pay the hacker $100. They asked the pro how it happened. He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole, right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my legs, grabbed my balls and yelled 'Gotcha!' And if you had any idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second Gotcha..."
==============================
A man and his secretary were having an affair. One afternoon, they got a motel room and had strenuous sex. He wasn't used to the pace, so he fell asleep afterwards and didn't wake up until about 8:30 that night. He woke up in a panic when he realized he was late, so he said to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complied.
When the man got home about 9:30, his wife confronted him and asked him where he was. The man said, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and said, "You lying SOB! You've been out playing golf again!"
===============================
Q: What's the difference between a women's G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will look for a golf ball for 20 minutes.
=====================
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
======================
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The
priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when
we pray, we keep our head down."
==============================
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
===========================
There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?" The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.
Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole. The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."
After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?" The other guy replies, "Same as his driving." "That good, huh?" "No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"
=========================
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?" "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
===========================
Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97-year-old man who still had perfect sight and could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old; how could see like an eagle?
Well, Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?" To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did." Jeb asked, "Where did it go?" Wilbur replied, "I forget!"
==============================
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
======================
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you Jody." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker." "I see." he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
=========================
A husband and wife were playing a round of golf on a beautiful Sunday afternoon when the man hit a low screaming drive that struck her right in the head and killed her. He had forgotten that she was on the red tees about 50 yards ahead of him.
Full of remorse, he met with the doctor at the hospital later. The doctor informed him that she died instantly and felt no pain. Then the doctor said, "What I can't figure out though, is how that Top Flight golf ball got into her rectum." The husband replied, "Oh no, I forgot about my Mulligan."
===============================
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?" Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad, I'm not winning as much as I used to, but I'm still making a bit of money. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." Jack Nicklaus says, "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." And Nicklaus says, "But, you're blind, how can you play golf if you're blind?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Nicklaus. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Nicklaus asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says "Well, I play off scratch." Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it and says, "Okay. I'm game for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Any night suits me."
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A sign at the golf course detailing the dress code:
Guys: No Shirt, No Golf
Girls: No Shirt, No Greens Fees
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There are three men who wanted to learn how to play golf, so they hired a golf instructor. The instructor asked the three men to hit the golf ball as far as they can. One man hit way to the right, the instructor yelled, "LOFT!" Then the second man hit it way to the left, the instructor yelled, "LOFT!" Then the third man hit the golf ball two feet ahead of him, the instructor yelled, "LOFT!" The three puzzled men asked the instructor what "LOFT" meant. The instructor simply said, "Lack of freaking talent!"
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Have you heard about the celebrity golf tournament?
O J had a wicked slice.
Heidi Fleiss kept hooking.
Ted Kennedy had an affinity for water hazards.
Nobody would go to "sudden death" with Jack Kevorkian.
Greg Louganis kept putting the ball in the wrong hole.
John Bobbitt couldn't get the ball in the air.
Monica Lewinsky kept "lipping" the hole.
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A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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Q: How can you tell a bad golfer from a bad skydiver?
A: Bad golfer: Whackk! SHIT! Skydiver: SHIT! Whack!
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The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
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A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey you! Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph." Being deaf, the guy continues to prepare for his shot. Thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, Ralph runs up and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph over and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.
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Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A: A foursome
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A blonde is out playing golf one sunny day, when she suddenly screams and runs back to the club house. She approaches the resident pro, and tells him: "I've just been stung by a bee!" "Where were you stung?", asks the pro. "Between the first and second holes.", she replies. "I'm not surprised.", answers the pro. "Your stance is far too wide."
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A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says, "Thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter." "Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?"
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A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong; he puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow! That's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok! Where to next?" The frog's reply: "Ribbit. Las Vegas." The frog and the man go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok, frog; now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000, black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win, but after the golf game, the man figures - what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me". He figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. So, he kisses the frog. All of a sudden, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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